”Myungsoo, what have you been doing these days?” Myungsoo hears his father ask, the older man’s voice sounds gruff and overly loud against Myungsoo’s ears. The tone isn’t angry per say, but it still causes Myungsoo to freeze when he notices the ‘I want a straight answer from you, I know something is going on’ inflection that is present in his father’s voice. The tone easily causing the boy to tense up until his shoulders start to ache due to how tightly coiled his muscles are.

Whatever his father wants, Myungsoo knows he has to tread with caution, especially since his answer could swiftly change the other’s mood within seconds. The anger that would inevitably come would leave him in tatters, and Myungsoo didn’t really need to deal with that anger. At least not now, especially if his father lashed out much harder than usual or would strike him in places where someone could see. Because as much as Myungsoo could deal with his father’s rage, he didn’t want Sungyeol to worry about him if he had ever got hurt more than usual and if he happened to get a cut or bruise on his face or something, Myungsoo didn’t know if he could brush it off, let alone explain what happened to the older boy. 

Well, not explain, but lie about what had happened to him. Especially since Myungsoo didn’t think that tripping or running into a door were very good excuses. He may be able to get away with those reasons once or twice, but with the way his father was, it wouldn’t last long and Myungsoo really didn’t want to lie anymore than he already was. 

So setting his chopsticks and rice bowl down, rice half eaten and still on his first compared to his father’s second bowl, Myungsoo slowly brought his fingers up to answer.

Studying and occasionally helping one of my classmates with schoolwork. Chemistry isn’t giving me any problems anymore, I’m doing well, just like you want. 

Hoping his answer would satisfy his father, even if he was withholding the fact that he had been hanging out with his friends and soulmate whenever he could, Myungsoo really hadn’t been slacking off when it came to his grades. Because as much as he would stay up a little later to do his homework or wake up a little earlier to study for school because he had taken to hanging out with Sungyeol, Zitao, and occasionally Sungjong and the others, his grades hadn’t dropped. In fact, they had improved a little due to Zitao needing a little help from time to time and just being able to teach someone the lessons they learned had made things easier for Myungsoo to remember. So as much as he had added some more play time to his life, he wasn’t slacking, but if his father knew that he was having fun like he was, he’d be in big trouble. Being grounded would probably be the least of his worries.

So watching his father digest his words, only for the other to take in his son’s tense form and the way the boy seemed a little more subdued than usual, almost as if he was hiding something, the man couldn’t help but narrow his eyes. The older man unable to stop himself from thinking about his son’s behavior the last couple of weeks - Myungsoo baking goods he usually didn’t bake, Myungsoo going off to the library a bit more than usual, the boy looking a bit happier these days… Myungsoo may not have been lying to him, but it was obvious that the other wasn’t telling the truth. Feeling anger suddenly rush through him at the thought of his boy lying to him, the man quickly found himself throwing his chopsticks to the side in a fit of rage.

“Don’t you ing lie to me boy. You’d think I wouldn’t notice what you’ve been doing? Going to the library more, baking more, being more secretive? You better tell me what’s really going on, because if you don’t, I’ll get my belt and I’ll hit you so hard you won’t be able to sit for weeks!” 

Eyes widening in fear, while self-loathing ran through his veins - the words ‘stupidstupidstupid how could you be so stupid to think your father wouldn’t realize what was going on, wouldn’t catch on stupidstupidstupid’ - Myungsoo couldn’t help but suddenly push his chair back when he was overcome with the need to run and get away. Flight vs fight rearing it’s ugly head as soon as his father started yelling, never mind becoming even angrier at the response that Myungsoo had just given him. Myungsoo doing something that he really shouldn’t have done, even if the response was due to instincts rather than choice.

He may not have ran away just yet, but having his body get ready to do so, that was more than enough to cause his father to become enraged. Forcing himself to stay in place, gritting his teeth as he forced his body to stay still, Myungsoo could only close his eyes when he noticed his father get up and take off his belt. The man was going to do just as he said and it was barely seconds before Myungsoo could hear a whoosh before a resounding snap of the belt hitting an object - his arm. Red hot pain was quick to blossom where the belt had recently connected, the pain was so bad that he could barely conceal a gasp before his father had decided to do it again and again and again. The man not caring if he was hitting his son with full strength.

Tears falling from his eyes like a waterfall as his breaths had started to come out hard and fast to the point that Myungsoo was on the brink of hyperventilating, Myungsoo could only contort his body until he was coiled into a small ball, arms protecting his head, in hopes of eliminating some of the pain. But knowing it wouldn’t do anything good because his father would either put more force behind his hits on a similar area or he would keep hitting different places on his body. The man was beyond caring about how many contusions and bruises he was leaving that Myungsoo could only count himself lucky that his father wasn’t using the buckle of his belt instead. So being unable to do nothing more than grit his teeth whenever he couldn’t stop himself from crying out in silence, Myungsoo let his father continue to hit him until he was too tired to do so anymore. All the while, as the abuse continued into the minutes, Myungsoo did his best to block the man’s yells. Myungsoo barely able to tell himself that his father was just angry and that he was just being harsher than usual and that maybe he didn’t mean the things he was saying.

But as the abuse continued on, Myungsoo had found himself failing at that in the end too.

“You don’t lie to me and treat me like a fool!”

“You don’t do things without my permission and you definitely don’t hide things from me whenever you do something!” 

Curling into himself even tighter, it wasn’t long before his father had began to yell about the state he was in. The other man unhappy with the way Myungsoo was protecting himself by making him look small and weak, “You don’t breathe until I say you can breathe. You don’t cry until I say you can cry. You don’t sit their and bawl, you stand up straight and take things like a man… I don’t care if it feels like you can’t do such a thing.”

Unable to stop his body from trembling, Myungsoo tried to pull himself out of the ball he was in. Only to fail seconds later when his father harshly hit him in the side, causing him to double over and gasp in even greater pain. Myungsoo, by then, couldn’t help but want things to be over or for his father to hit him so hard that he would pass out, eliminating the abuse for the time being. But instead of his father taking it easy on him, the man too worked up to even think about stopping just yet, the man’s yells quickly evolved into things that Myungsoo didn’t want to hear, no matter how true the sentiments may have been.

But knowing that he had no choice but to listen to what his father had to say, he could only shudder when his father eventually screamed, “God, your mother would be rolling in her grave right now if she could see you now! Except wait, you’re the one that put her there!”

Tears falling even harder, Myungsoo knew that what his father had just said had been the truth. Because if it wasn’t, then his mother would have been alive today as well. But because he had been present during her death, had been less than a couple of inches away from her when he saw her die, Myungsoo knew his father wasn’t lying. He was responsible for his mother’s death and Myungsoo couldn’t run from that and he definitely couldn’t blame his father for how awful he had treated him throughout the years. Because in the end, Myungsoo had killed his soulmate and he deserved whatever punishment he received.

xxx

Shakily looking around the lunch room, Myungsoo couldn’t help but wonder where he should sit. Especially since Sungyeol, nor Zitao were with him, and as much as he had wanted to sit with Sungjong and the others, he didn’t know if he was allowed to do so. Because as much as he was friends with the other boys - he at least thinks that he is - they were Sungyeol’s friends first and he didn’t know if there was some unspoken rule about him sitting with them without Sungyeol. Which may have sounded a bit strange because most wouldn’t have even questioned the possibility of being able to sit with the other boys, Myungsoo didn’t want to assume the wrong thing. He didn’t want to make the wrong move and somehow make the others angry for thinking that he even had the audacity to do such a thing when he truly wasn’t welcomed without Sungyeol or anyone else.

(He had already done something similar yesterday and even now, he was popping pills and using sheer will to appear unhurt and not in pain.)

So he couldn’t help but be a little worried about overstepping his boundaries, even if most of the others had been more than nice to him and probably wouldn’t have cared. The latter being something that Myungsoo couldn’t even think about, let alone imagine, because his father caused him to second guess everything or feel like he wasn’t worth anyone else’s kindness. Even after meeting Sungyeol’s family and friends and befriending Tao and Sungjong, it was hard for Myungsoo to see his worth. Let alone be okay with the kindness that others had given him the past couple of months. 

(Especially after the night he had just had.)

Sungyeol’s family may have been kind to him, but that was because they were good people and it was hard seeing his soulmate’s family ever dislike anyone (even though, he had been quite surprised when they had liked him). Tao and Sungjong liked him for reasons that Myungsoo could barely understand or even imagine. While Sungyeol, he was his soulmate and they were destined to be together, but Myungsoo didn’t know if it was possible for the other to actually love him - flaws and all. At least, love him like Myungsoo loved him, even if Myungsoo would never say it aloud. The young man was too afraid to do something like that, nerves gripping him as an undercurrent of ‘Why say something when he’ll never love you back’ ring through him like the recurring sound of a bell, Myungsoo couldn’t help but keep those types of thoughts to himself. 

There was no need to ruin the good in his life by admitting his feelings, even those that he had trouble identifying or even understanding, to his soulmate that Myungsoo was irrevocably in love with. It had barely been a few months since the two of them had met, and yet, Myungsoo couldn’t picture his life without the other boy. Even if he didn’t deserve Sungyeol or some of the others in his life. His father’s words of ‘How could anyone like or love you’ constantly coming back to haunt him.

His father’s words of ‘You ruin and destroy everything you touch… You killed your mother, how could you even think to want something that you should never have had in the first place.’ 

So unable to stop himself from biting his lip and shifting his weight from side to side as he had looked for an empty place to sit, he had almost dropped his food when someone had suddenly come up behind him. The person quickly surprising him with a light pat on the back and an exuberant greeting that should have told the younger boy that he was happy to see him, Myungsoo completely missed that aspect of the other’s gestures. Because as soon as Myungsoo had felt someone touch his back without him knowing who it was or being able to see it coming, Myungsoo couldn’t help but feel a sliver of fear go through him like a rocket. Flashes of painful memories swiftly paralyzing him for a couple of seconds, the action easily causing him to become confused to where he was, Myungsoo couldn’t help but whip his body around so that he could face the other and apologize. 

It didn’t matter if he didn’t know what he had done wrong, because there was this feeling of wrongness that had overcame him, accompanying his memories, and he had needed to fix it. And the only way to fix it was to apologize and grovel and just hope that the other wouldn’t hit him. Or kill him with words like his father loved to do. 

Not here, not now. 

Spinning around so fast that it was a miracle that Myungsoo hadn’t lost his grip on his lunch nor fallen over, Myungsoo secretly sighed in relief at being able to save himself from creating an even bigger mess. Quickly looking up to see who had given him the pat, knees feeling weak while his fingers began to itch with the need to apologize, Myungsoo unable to realize what had just happened due to the shock of adrenaline causing his heart to beat a mile per minute, never mind, force his mind to focus on what he could have possibly done wrong, Myungsoo hadn’t expected to see Dongwoo looking at him with worry instead of his father’s rage filled face. 

Feeling more than a bit foolish for losing himself like that and a little worried as well, the reaction being something that he had never experienced before, especially since most people usually refrained from touching him, Myungsoo couldn’t help but frown. While Dongwoo, confused and worried by the fear that he could see lingering across Myungsoo’s mouth and eyes, never mind a pain he couldn’t place, could only give Myungsoo a small, yet apologetic smile in return.

Myungsoo was more than a bit shaken by what had just happened, so much so that it had almost seemed as if the other had mentally left for a little bit, that Dongwoo couldn’t help but frown. If he had known that Myungsoo would have reacted like a wild animal that had been injured in the first place, Dongwoo would have refrained from surprising, let alone letting himself touch the other boy as he had just done. 

So giving the other an apology, tone soft and careful, all Myungsoo could do was stare at him for a couple of seconds before he was shaking his head no. Almost as if Dongwoo shouldn’t be apologizing at all, despite the fact that Dongwoo had been the one that had unknowingly hurt him. 

Frowning again, Dongwoo able to understand Myungsoo’s gestures and franticness, could only open his mouth to say: 

“Myungsoo, it’s alright. None of this was your fault, I should have asked if I could touch you before doing so. So I’m sorry and I hope you can accept my apology. Please accept it.” 

Not knowing what to do, especially since his hands were full and he couldn’t tell the other what he was feeling, let alone thinking, Myungsoo had found himself getting lost in the stare that Dongwoo was giving him. The other boy telling Myungsoo with his eyes that all he had wanted was for Myungsoo to accept his apology, instead of refuting it to give him one of his own. 

Myungsoo had done no wrong and Dongwoo had needed Myungsoo to admit that he wasn’t at fault, even if the other didn’t exactly believe it. Gaze unwavering, but warm as well, seconds were quick to pass as Dongwoo eventually witnessed Myungsoo’s shoulders droop in defeat. Myungsoo may not have understood why he had to accept the apology, but knowing that Dongwoo wouldn’t take any other response as an answer, Myungsoo found himself giving in with a nod.

While Dongwoo, still feeling the need to frown, forced himself to give the younger man a small smile as he told the other thank you, before he was leading Myungsoo to their usual table. Dongwoo quick to situate the younger boy between himself and Sunggyu, Myungsoo had almost found himself crying when the others had happily welcomed him to the table, none of them caring that he was going to sit with them without having his soulmate nearby. 

The act of pushing on one of his bruises to force himself to focus on the pain, rather than the intense feelings he was having, had barely kept him from actually breaking down in front of them. So focusing on the pain, even if it had made him dizzy and his body had felt stiff and bruised to the point where he didn’t know where the hurt began or ended, Myungsoo had found himself digging into his small lunch to force himself to focus on something else. Even if he wasn’t that hungry but was eating it because he didn’t want someone to say something about it. Especially since Dongwoo and Sunggyu were usually the first ones to be on his case about eating more.

Feeling himself calm down enough so that he could look at his surroundings, Myungsoo couldn’t help but be surprised when he noticed a girl sitting next to Woohyun a couple of seats away from him. The girl was so pretty that Myungsoo couldn’t help but sneak a couple of peaks at her, even if he knew that he shouldn’t be looking at her at all because not only was it rude but she probably didn’t appreciate the staring from someone like him. But instead of getting angry, the girl had given him a warm smile instead. 

While Woohyun, who had been crushing on the girl for years and had just recently found out that this was his soulmate, could only give Myungsoo a grin when he noticed the younger boy staring, “I’m not the only one without a soulmate anymore, isn’t that great?”

Not knowing what to say or even feel, still trying to get his bearings and not go off the deep end and scare the others, but feeling like he needed to say something because that was the normal thing to do, Myungsoo slowly, but shakily took his notebook to write something down. 

He could only tremble when he finally showed the book to the other boy, hoping that his answer was correct, almost as if this was a pop quiz, Myungsoo had watched the other read:

Only to sigh in relief when Woohyun exclaimed, even happier than he had been a second ago, “Thanks man! And before I forget, even though I’m sure that you know her, especially since I’ve talked about her before, she’s Haena.” 

Myungsoo was quick to turn his notebook around to write something else, this time his message being for the girl at their table, it wasn’t long before he was showing Haena what he had written.

Haena’s eyebrows raising in surprise when she had realized that this was one of the ways that Myungsoo spoke, she had found herself shoving that surprise away as she quickly finished the contents of the note before her.

Unable to stop herself from giving Myungsoo another grin, this one warmer than the last, especially since Myungsoo seemed so cute, she coolly gave, “Thank you, it’s a pleasure.”

While Myungsoo, thoughts and emotions still swirling inside of him like a tornado, could only try to give the girl a smile of his own. 

Maybe Haena could become his friend too.

xxx

“Why did you ask me to meet you here?” Tao finds himself asking as soon as he sees Sungyeol walking towards him. The older boy looks as if he doesn’t want to be there, despite being the one that had initiated the rooftop meeting in the first place, Tao finds himself unable to not think about their first meeting or the slight volatile thoughts the two shared for each other. A fault that Tao sort of admitted to since he had been the one to start everything, being the one that had come off a little too strong when they had first met, but with Myungsoo having been hurt and literally having no one in his corner, Tao couldn’t help but be a little protective of the other. Despite barely knowing the other teen or having the right to be that obnoxious just yet, even if he was just trying to do the right thing and stick up for his friend that was obviously treated badly by the rest of the school.

Myungsoo may not have been bullied, but he had been an outcast and Tao knew that wasn’t any better, especially since it had put Myungsoo in a position where he didn’t have friends or anyone to protect him, so Tao couldn’t help but step up as soon as he had realized that within the first couple of hours of knowing Myungsoo.

Myungsoo was precious in a lot of ways and Tao didn’t want to see someone so kind and warm get hurt. Especially since it didn’t take a genius to realize that Myungsoo would travel the world for the people he loves and cares about. So as much as Tao should apologize at some point, he wasn’t going to do so any time soon, so Sungyeol would have to get used to it. 

Turning his body so he that could get a better look at the older boy, it doesn’t take him long to notice the determination that is in the other’s gaze and stance as well. Because as much as Sungyeol doesn’t want to be there, it’s obvious that Sungyeol isn’t going to let something like his dislike for Tao get in the way of doing whatever he had needed to do either. An observation that Tao can’t help but raise his brows at, never mind find quite strange when Sungyeol eventually stops in front of him, only to hesitate for a minute or so. The other having an internal battle with himself before finding the courage to put aside whatever differences he has or the idea that whatever he is going to do isn’t as terrible as he thinks to ask: 

“I know we don’t get along… We may never get along, but I-uh-I kind of need a favor… Well, not exactly a favor, but ugh… Never mind, I’ll just ask… Do you think you’d be willing to help me… I know Myungsoo can help, but I want to learn sign language as fast as I can and I’ll need more people to practice with when I’m not at class… I want to be able to speak and understand Myungsoo without having him constantly write his answers out… So do you think you can help me?”

Not expecting that to come from the other’s mouth, Tao finds himself staring at the other boy, a little gobsmacked at the other’s request.

Sungyeol may be an and a bit of an idiot, but for Sungyeol to ask that, showing an initiative that most people don’t have, Tao feels a newfound respect for the other start to grow. At least a little bit, because as much as the feeling is small, it’s only bound to grow bigger if Sungyeol actually does what he says and actually tries to learn for Myungsoo’s sake. So as much as Tao could have made the meeting worse, either deciding to not listen to the other or believe the worse and see Sungyeol as a hypocrite, Tao finds himself giving the other a barely-there smile instead. 

“I’ll help, but as soon as I see you slacking off or looking to take the easy way out, you can kiss the extra lessons goodbye… I’ll also be sure to tell Myungsoo and the others how much of a loser you are too, because as much as you say you want to learn, I want to see you actually put some effort into learning. Myungsoo’s my best friend here and I’m not going to let someone like you-”

“Dude, if you’re going to stop teaching me, how is that going to even help Myungsoo?”

Growling at Sungyeol’s response, especially since it did make sense, Tao could only reply, “As soon as Myungsoo and the others know, you’ll need to take my lessons again and the only way you’ll be able to is if you end up doing me a favor. And until you do that favor, you won’t get lessons, even if you know that you need them and are sorry that you have ed up… You’ll be indebted to me for a long time, so it’s either take me seriously or you’re on my list and if you’re on my list, then I’ll make sure you’re on everyone’s list as well.”

Seeing Tao give him a look that said he wasn’t kidding and knowing the friendship that was developing between him and Sungjong, Sungyeol knew that Tao was being serious and would uphold his end of the bargain. And knowing that, frowning at the possibility of his friends being angry at him, even if Myungsoo probably wouldn’t be since Myungsoo would probably believe his unwillingness to learn was actually his fault instead of Sungyeol’s, Sungyeol would rather hit himself in the face than let something like that happen.

So squaring his shoulders even more, stance looking strong and unshakable, Sungyeol was quick to cut in, “That sounds like a reasonable request and I’ll let you do it too, because I shouldn’t be that much of an idiot when it comes to this sort of thing. Myungsoo and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together and I can’t be an idiot about what Myungsoo can and can’t do. He needs me, so yeah, I’ll let you do whatever you want to me if I can’t uphold my end of the bargain. But know this, I’m going to learn and I’m going to take this seriously - I’ve already have and as much as we may play games like this and will probably continue to do so in the future, I’m letting you know I’m doing this for Myungsoo and I’m going to accomplish it too. So you may say what you want to me, but I will learn how to use sign language and I won’t give up until I’ve mastered it, alright?” 

Unable to stop himself from grinning a bit wider, Tao is quick to give Sungyeol an outstretched hand as he says, “Then it’s a deal then.”

While Sungyeol can only return the shake, a smile appearing across his face as well.  

‘Tao, you don’t scare me and within the next couple of weeks, you’ll realize how good I am at keeping my word. It’s a promise.’

xxx

"Hey, Myungsoo, before I forget, but would you like to go to my family's cabin for the break that is coming up. The guys and I usually go down on Thursday, after the half day that we have, and then come back home on Monday, the last day of our break since we usually ski or snowboard Friday and Saturday, do some partying on Saturday, then recuperate on Sunday... I know it's only a week or so away, but Sungyeol and the others are already going since it's kind of an annual thing that we like to do every year and I don't think any of the guys have missed it, but I wanted to invite you personally because we're friends and I want to make sure that you know that I want you to come as well. It's usually a lot of fun and you can use some of my old gear when we hit the slopes, so what do you say?"  

Eyes widening in surprise, not expecting that type of question to have come from Sungjong's mouth, Myungsoo finds himself unable to write anything on his notebook to say that he wants to go or not. Even if the thought of him going and having fun rings in his ears, clear as a bell that can be heard for miles. Because as much as Myungsoo wants to cry in happiness from being asked such a thing, from being given the chance in the first place, Myungsoo can only think of what his father would say.

The resounding no and the phantom pain of a slap across his face is the only thing that pops up in his head: the act so painfully clear that it almost causes Myungsoo to break out in shivers as soon as he thinks about it.

He knows that his father will say no and he knows that his father will hurt him for even suggesting such a thing, especially since the beating that he had been given yesterday had made that type of response perfectly clear. However, despite knowing that, Myungsoo finds himself wanting to say yes anyway. 

Hands shaking once again, this time to the point that Myungsoo can barely hold his pen; it's minutes later when Sungjong finally reads:

"Of course. That's not a problem at all, so get back to me whenever you've done so. I really hope you can go!"

Me too.