Dear Chanyeol,

 

It’s raining outside.

You always seemed sadder when it rained.

After school, you wouldn’t stop by the ice cream vendor.

Or the book store.

And never the music shop.

It’s was like the skies were crying for you.

I’d watch from the window of your favorite café as you walked past me, staring at the wet ground without a trace of a smile, never looking up to where I gazed at you.

The table would be set for two, an untouched plate of your favorite meat wrap across from me while I sipped at the warm chocolate latte, even though I knew you’d never come.

Even now, I look out the rain stained windows at the blinking street lights from my bedroom, waiting for you to come and stand in the doorway with a lovely red rose and in a tuxedo to take me out, your curly brown hair windswept and soaked with a sincere apology for being late.

The stars are twinkling tonight, brighter than I’ve ever seen them before.

I wonder why.

Do you remember the spring nights when we’d count the stars together, sitting together on the wooden park bench as the sun began to set?

One, two, three.

You’d always get mixed up at forty, and I’d laugh, and we’d start over again.

That was how it was meant to be.

You, me, us.

Park Chanyeol and Kahng Yura.

The sun rises, the birds sing, Chanyeol and Yura love each other.

Our friends used to laugh as you’d trip over to our lunch table, your too-big feet stumbling over each other as you rushed to kiss me—they didn’t know love, and months later I would watch you on the Samsung plasma TV, on the MacBook Pro as you sung and danced, laughed and smiled, told countless girls you loved them.

How do I tell you that there was always a twinge in my heart when you hugged one of them and smiled at another?

Because the truth is, Park Chanyeol, I didn’t mean to break your heart.

It was late winter in Seoul when I called you for the last time, as the ice started to break and the flowers began blooming.

Your voice was so happy, so heartfelt over the phone as you told me how much you missed me, as you told me about your plans to debut as the rapper of a boy band.

I had murmured and agreed with everything you had said, losing the heart to tell you what I had in mind, the contemplation I had been thinking about for sleepless nights, but as you paused and asked me what was wrong, I told the truth.

Chanyeol, I think… we should…

The tears were starting to trickle down my cheeks as I felt your bewilderment.

You see, I was in love with you.

Everything about you, darling.

Your wide smile, deep laugh, and clumsiness.

It wasn’t until months later when I realized how much you had cared for me.

Even more than I loved you.

I listen halfheartedly to the live recordings of Sukira Radio while I read through the World History textbook pages Professor Im had assigned. As I finish the last page, I hear the host, Kim Ryeowook’s, sweet voice asks a question and you responded in the deep voice that I had fallen in love with, once upon a time.               

I’m sure handsome men like you twelve surely have had past girlfriends? What were some of the gifts or things you gave to them?

You reply after a moment of silence from the rest of the embarrassed members.

I'd like to answer this one. You see, I had the sweetest, prettiest, and smartest girlfriend in high school and as a trainee. Our three year anniversary was coming up, and for a present I had decided to fill a heart-shaped glass jar with white paper cranes I had folded, one hundred for another one hundred years together, you know? I folded paper cranes when I had the chance, on the bus to school, late at night when I couldn’t sleep. It was the day before our anniversary, and I was almost done—the last piece of paper was lying beside the nearly full jar of cranes, waiting for me to fold it, but…

But what? Ryeowook asks as I listen in surprise—he is speaking about me.

But that night, I got a call from her. I was so excited to tell her about debuting as a part of EXO, but she was really quiet. I asked her what was wrong, and she… broke up with me. You whisper the last part with the familiar, heartfelt sadness that overcame me when I thought of you.

Who wouldn't want to be with you? Ryeowook asks with a small smile.

Your voice breaks as you respond and I an imagine you turning away from the camera to brush away tears. She wanted to be herself, you know? She didn't want to be known just as someone's girlfriend, and she knew staying with me would only hurt both of us.

Oh… Ryeowook says softly.

I still have the jar, you know. I see ninety-nine paper cranes. By my bed stand at home. I don’t have the heart to throw it away. How can you throw away something that’s apart of you?

This girl… You still love her?

You replied after a long silence. If she came back and asked me, I would have said yes.

Oh, Park Chanyeol.

I'm so sorry.                                                                                  

Love, Kahng Yura