27/04/2025

23:14

Seoul

Beloved Qian,

I miss you.

I miss you so much, I wrote it a lot of times in every letter that I’ve wrote you but I’ve never sent you and I’ll never send, I have no address to send them to, unless I could send them to Paradise.

Do you remember how we first met? No, you can’t remember. I remember it very well, instead: we went to high school, you were an year bigger than me, I always stole glances at you secretly when you looked on the other way, until our glances met one day and you smiled at me, the best smile I’ve ever seen.

Since then we started to talk, joke, spend time together, you made me fall in love with you like I never did in all my life.

Then we kissed. I still remember the sweet flavor of your lips, I remember when, immediately after our kiss, you told me you loved me. I remember every single time you told me so, which made me the happiest man in the whole world.

I remember when I made you mine for the first time, I remember that I was really insecure, that you encouraged me a lot, that you pretended not to feel pain, when I knew really well that it wasn’t like that.

Do you remember when I asked you to marry me? We were so young, but I didn’t care at all about what my relatives or my friends said, I just wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I had found the reason why I was put in this world.

Will you tell me why? Why, in all those years we spent together, you didn’t tell me the truth? Why didn’t you tell me you were about to die? Why didn’t you tell me that a disease that I even didn’t know about was taking you away from me? Why did you stop taking your medicines? Only because you wanted to be conscious in my presence? Did you really give up on your life? Did you really lose your hope?

You died there, in my arms, my tears were flowing on your face, you smiled, even thought pain was destroying your beautiful body and your gentle soul, I could hear it into your melodious voice.

I’ve never hated you so much like I did in that moment.

“Sorry, Min, I promised you I would’ve always been by your side, I haven’t even been capable to keep that promise.  I hope you’ll forgive me one day, I’ll love you forever, even thought forever doesn’t mean anything in my condition, right?”

I engraved your last words in my heart, they keep replaying in my mind, I keep hearing your voice into my head.

I’m tired, Qian, this life isn’t worth living without you, I keep dreaming about all those moments we had together, every single night I see your face again, I hear your voice again, I feel again your touch and every emotion that follows it.

No, this life isn’t worth living without you, this woman by my side is not you, these children who call me ‘dad’ aren’t yours. Nothing is like I wanted it to be, and it will never be, not without you. And the saddest thing is that life goes on, without noticing that you’re not here anymore, it goes on without noticing that the brightest star in this world is not shining anymore since eleven years now.

To everyone who’ll read this letter, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. To my children, I know I haven’t been a good father, hate me, I deserve it all. To my wife, I know I haven’t loved you at all, I know you deserved much more than this, I’m sorry for not being able to pretend to have forgotten the past, you deserve something better.

By now my journey has come to its end, I’ll see again the only reason of my existence soon.

Qian, I’m asking you just to wait another moment, we’ll meet once again, this time for good.

Only yours,

Changmin.

Shim Changmin, 37 years old.

Time of death: 00:00, 28/04/2025

Cause of death: fallen from a palace’s roof