Ensnarl
EnsnarlEnsnarl
It’s scary.
This thought hit Tiffany almost immediately.
It’s terribly scary.
Tiffany was scared out of her wits, almost to the point of petrified as she stood rooted beside the counter. What scared her wasn’t even scary on the surface, in fact it was everything but. The source of her unsettledness was beautiful, doll-like even, a porcelain doll that would crack under scrutiny and break when handled too carelessly.
She was that beautiful to Tiffany.
And that was scary, terribly so.
Logic screamed at her as the mysterious doll walked further and further away, killer heels that went click click click until the sound couldn’t be heard anymore. She didn’t, or couldn’t heed that logical voice that cried itself hoarse. Crazily, Tiffany wanted to hear the clicking sound of heels again, and more; She wanted to hear the voice that wore that pair of red heels and held that cup of coffee.
The feeling was so intense, it might have felt painful if Tiffany wasn’t so numbed to other sensations.
It was so scary but so goddamn exhilarating.
“Miss? What would you like?”
Tiffany heard the barrista asking her the question, but she couldn’t be bothered anymore, she was way too entranced. Unknowingly her legs had taken her back to the door of the café and out on to the streets. She followed after the doll-like brunette, steps slightly uncertain and wary.
What the hell was going on, logic screamed.
Time seemed to have turned back, and it was high school all over again. Teenage hormones bubbling, totally nuts and screaming for release; Reasons were redundant, responsibilities can go itself and loyalty was as foreign as life on Mars. What mattered was feelings, wasn’t it.
And that scared Tiffany, badly.
She didn’t know such rash feelings could happen again. It was one of those insane moments where you are so enamored and so captivated that nothing else mattered. Who she was, what’s her name, who she had, all of that were kicked out of the equation the moment those feelings took over. It was downright crazy and for most part of it, Tiffany really didn’t care.
But that tiny part of her that outgrew all the high school hormones and college parties rudely slapped her out of the entrancement. She made it as far as the next street and saw the woman turn the corner, before she woke up. Everything came rushing back to her. The Starbucks, the tricky decision between three different salads and the woman who brushed past her when she finally decided on the one she wanted.
It was her smell.
Tiffany realized abruptly, she was first captured by a whiff of something nostalgic that she couldn’t put a finger to, and her eyes followed what her nose smelled. Her gaze fell on the woman and everything went haywire. Everything was perfect about her, from the fingers lightly clutching the cup of coffee to her smooth neckline and even her long lashes felt perfect.
Her icy features were so intriguing, as well.
Tiffany never knew she could recall someone with so much detail, even to the minute fold of the ears. Creepy, Tiffany shuddered at the thought, but felt more enamored than the second before.
Tiffany forgot about the coffee she wanted to get, even the salad she took much pain to choose was wiped out from her memory.
The first meeting was already pretty earth shattering. Scary.
Pre-mediated.
It was planned, on purpose, arranged, whatever. Tiffany no longer cared what word aptly described what she was doing. It didn’t matter anymore. For the first two days that she planted herself in that particular Starbucks she had questioned herself, questioned the identity of this particular act she was doing and questioned her mind.
Probably insane was the conclusion but really, sanity was no longer the priority.
Tiffany wanted to see the woman so terribly, even if the feelings left her scared and guilty, she decided that she would probably go nuts if she didn’t. Crazy and nuts on top of insane, it was like the monster within her had awakened.
She thought she had killed off that monster; she had been very well behaved for quite a number of years now, probably since year two or three in college. The monster died then, it didn’t try to fight and to be honest Tiffany had wondered why it didn’t. The monster, that was raw desire and desperate want, probably got tired, Tiffany had thought.
It’s awake now, though, something in her whispered stealthily.
Tiffany nearly nodded to herself, purely because it was so true. The wild days were all fueled by that monster, she swayed easily and loved so many; and now it was here to cause destruction again.
The doll appeared.
Tiffany saw her and felt a huge disappointment. She had her face semi hidden behind those huge shades, and Tiffany wanted to burn all the shades in the world. shades, they had no business covering up such a gorgeous face, Tiffany cursed in her mind.
Logic yelled again, and it only repeated, “mistake! mistake! mistake!” over and over again. It was annoying, so Tiffany decided to squish that voice, at least for a bit. The voice died with a pathetic whimper.
Tiffany’s eyes trailed every step the unknown lady made, it was another pair of heels this time, a y glittery silver. Tiffany was sure that not many could pull that off, but it didn’t matter because the one before her could and it caught her attention. Her eyes travelled up from the heels to the legs and Tiffany yearned to touch those exposed legs. The skirt was short, mischievously so; The blouse was tight, teasingly so. Tiffany’s head swirled when the lady walked by again.
It took every ounce of effort to not follow after her again; she didn’t want to be a creepy stalker.
So she let her little café doll walk away, the sunlight on that brown hair made the perfect picture. Tiffany wanted to frame that scene up.
She never thought that she was being conspicuous, in fact, she never had the intention to be so. She had that little bit of sense left in her, which informed her that it was simply stalker behavior to let the café doll realize what she was there for. Tiffany was there for her, stalker.
It had been going on for almost three weeks and Tiffany wasn’t sick of this yet. Her own behavior, the doll with impeccable fashion sense and also this… infatuation? She couldn’t put a finger to what was growing in her and the label now would probably be infatuation.
She hoped it was just infatuation; infatuation shouldn’t get her into as much trouble.
Then, said lady showed up again.
Tiffany peeked from the top of her laptop screen; she was trying her best to be discreet. The doll looked pretty arrogant today, Tiffany noted. Yet she didn’t seem any different on the surface. The expression was mild as always, she was polite enough to the barrista and her tone was even. Still, Tiffany thought there was this arrogant air to her. Or maybe it was a self-satisfied air, Tiffany couldn’t really grasp what it was but there was definitely something different, she could bet her apartment on it.
That made Tiffany squirm slightly, she had an uneasy feeling.
Her gut feelings were usually correct and Tiffany didn’t want to ignore it . She willed herself to tear her eyes away from the lady for a while, although Tiffany loved the way she looked while waiting for her coffee. Only when Tiffany heard the sound of heels did she focus on the lady again, she couldn't bear not looking at her leave and when she was out of sight, Tiffany sighed.
Looking back to her laptop screen, Tiffany felt drained, not realizing she was that tensed until then. For a moment she zoned out, nothing made sense on the screen and her mind fluttered far away, and slightly to things she didn’t want to ponder about.
Distantly she heard a familiar clicking of heels; Hallucination, she thought. But the sound was getting louder and closer, like an impending doom. The next moment, that nostalgic scent caught her nose again and Tiffany nearly shot up from her seat upon lifting her head.
The lady was back, with a stunning smirk on her face.
The name was Jessica.
Jessica Jung, a pretty normal female, if you discount the fact that she was gorgeous and she appealed to Tiffany more than pink did. That made everything abnormal.
Tiffany heart was pounding so hard she thought she would have a heart attack or her heart would jump out and land on Jessica’s palms. She might have shivered as Jessica looked at her, the eyes unreadable but the lips curled so suggestively.
And suddenly, everyone else in the café whited out; it felt like just the two of them in that space. No one else was there, and it became such a private and intimate moment.
When Jessica spoke, Tiffany’s world shook again, like when she first saw her.
“Seat taken?”
“No, feel free please.”
Tiffany thought she would have sounded terrified or maybe even stuttered, but she didn’t. Her confidence was directly proportional to the amount of awe she felt and the intensity of her feelings. It was all good, Tiffany even managed to bring out that eye-smile of hers.
“Jessica.”
The pretty café doll, newly named Jessica, said simply but her eyes bore into Tiffany like she was looking for a hundred thousand things. She looked so much prettier up close, Tiffany couldn’t control her thoughts but her actions were polished as she nodded and maintained a light smile.
“Hi, I’m Tiffany”
Jessica had that look which read, “Okay that’s great, so?” accordingly to Tiffany’s deduction and Tiffany just had to counter it with a look of her own. That slightly haughty look that contrasted with the normally bright and cheery her, the look that used to get girls into her bed nearly every night. She thought that look and charm had died along with the monster; apparently they woke up with it as well.
“I see that you're stalking me?” Jessica drawled, not looking the least bit offended or wary, conversely she had an amused half-smile on. Tiffany wasn’t prepared for such a direct question, yet she didn’t show any of those sentiments on her face. Habits die hard they said, and Tiffany fell into that category.
“Guess I am,” Tiffany shrugged, before breaking into a dazzling smile, “I don’t think you dislike it though.”
Tiffany thought she saw a muscle twitched on that beautiful face of Jessica, and a rush of panic hit her. Maybe she really lost those charms or the ability to worm her way into people’s heart, it’s been years after all. Tiffany was prepared for a slap, harsh words or maybe even the police, but then Jessica laughed. A twinkling laugh, light on the ears like those christmas bells.
Tiffany was charmed and everything started from then on.
Jessica said that she loved Tiffany’s confidence, it was part of her charm and so was the flippant attitude Tiffany had at times. Absolutely charming, were Jessica’s exact words. In response to that, Tiffany stole a kiss from Jessica and softly mumbled into the kiss that Jessica’s confidence was right up there with her and her beauty was other-worldly.
Tiffany felt that Jessica revived the best part in her, a part she thought was gone and which she missed occassionally. The wild and crazy, unrestrained and rash; basically the side that could easily get lost in love, happiness and desire. She considered that as her true identity and Jessica came by and stirred all those sleeping cells awake.
It’s almost romantic, Tiffany thought.
And Tiffany felt that Jessica was quite similar to her, not just the confidence. It was more about Jessica’s view on things or maybe her laidback and slightly lazy attitude. Tiffany couldn’t say exactly how it was similar, since she was zealous, loud and pretty much opposite to Jessica on the surface. But it just was. Jessica was similar to her, it was a feeling and other superficial characteristics were not part of the consideration.
They were similar and it thrilled Tiffany.
It took Tiffany nearly a week to finally figure out what that nostalgic smell on Jessica was. It was that similarity. Tiffany smelled something so like her past in Jessica, mixing with a vanilla scent and hidden by the classy perfume. Perhaps it was instinct, or perhaps it was fate, whatever it was Tiffany fell right for it.
She fell so hard, she lied without batting an eyelid.
Tiffany was supposedly in a meeting, but in actuality she was in Jessica bed, stark with an equally Jessica lightly sleeping beside her. The post- face was a total turn on but Jessica grumbled, not about to let Tiffany have another go.
“No, I’m tired,” Jessica put a finger on Tiffany lips when she snuck up to her again, silencing and gently pushing her away as well, “Either go please yourself or let me sleep, first.”
With that Jessica fell back on her side of the bed and drifted off to dreamland. She didn’t like to be woken up and Tiffany wasn’t so desperate, yet.
Tiffany was strangely energized even after their frenzied rounds of . The kisses were furious and full of desire the moment they walked through the front door. Doors slammed, clothes peeled off and thrown carelessly, and hands roamed on each other's body unabashedly declaring their want. Jessica was wild, exciting and a bit coy at times. She pushed and pulled Tiffany so well, and her reactions to those touches set Tiffany’s heart on fire. Tiffany was mesmerized, caught in the magic named Jessica.
She could make out Jessica’s sleeping figure in the semi-darkness. Jessica’s chest moved to her breath lightly and her face was peaceful. But Tiffany didn’t want to be too sweet, so she stopped herself from tucking in those stray strands of hair or kissing Jessica’s forehead or even caressing her sleeping face. Intimate was fine but sweet would mean that she crossed another line. Although she had this strong feeling that it wouldn’t be long before that line was crossed as well.
Then, her thoughts involuntarily floated to Taeyeon.
She told Taeyeon that it was a sudden meeting that the co-scriptwriter wanted, and not a tinge of lie was detected. Taeyeon had such absolute trust in Tiffany, which seemed absurd considering Tiffany’s history. But Tiffany proved herself faithful for many years, against all odds, and that probably served to further enhance Taeyeon’s trust.
But after their quick conversation, Tiffany had skipped out of the apartment right into the night sky and eventually into Jessica’s bed.
Taeyeon didn’t know a single , and Tiffany wasn’t prepared to let her into it.
Tiffany can’t remember how everything with Taeyeon became so bloody stable. She had never been a fan of stability; stability was boring, uneventful, and too safe. Taeyeon was all of that, and Tiffany didn’t know how she actually got into it that deep with Taeyeon.
Taeyeon did music, and sometimes Tiffany wondered why Taeyeon was so uneventful. It was weird considering how crazy most musicians seemed, and how messy their lives were made out to be. Taeyeon was the opposite of that in most sense; she was mostly calm and her thoughts well sorted out. She was a very stable person, the type that’s perfect for marriage. Probably, only the slightly dark part of her personality fit the musician stereotype. And she was a little proud too, since she knew how good she was at what she does.
That supposedly proud air she had was what initially drew Tiffany to her, and it was a trap.
Tiffany got to know Taeyeon through some ty cross college musical production in which she was the scriptwriter for. It was going to be a disaster, Tiffany had groaned at the thought. Unfortunately, the girl that asked her to help out was too cute to resist, her body looked good and definitely better without all those clothes; the was ing good but it left her minded with the musical as well. The ty musical wasn’t coming together very well with the varying schedules and lack of coordination and teamwork.
Whoever thought up of cross-college should just themselves, Tiffany had shouted, at one point in time, to a poor guy who was merely the props assistant. She was pissed, her female lead for the musical missed the meeting twice and all she knew about her was the name- Kim Taeyeon. She wanted to kick this Kim Taeyeon’s and it would be better if she were by the stairs.
But this Kim Taeyeon was attractive, with a glorious voice. And so, Tiffany forgot about the kicking the moment she saw Taeyeon in person; that face was too pretty to be subjected to any sort of contact with the floor. To Tiffany, the only form of contact it should have was ual ones.
Taeyeon, however, was oblivious that she attracted Tiffany.
She was a fantastic singer, and although not so much of an actress, it was adequate. The most important thing was she looked so wonderful, kind of fairy-like. Maybe she looked too much like one and so she didn’t have any worldly thoughts. It seemed so to Tiffany as her advances were met with innocent replies and polite touches. Tiffany hitting on Taeyeon was the biggest failure then and it remained so for years to come.
Tiffany was terribly frustrated; she couldn’t tell if Taeyeon was that dense, playing coy or just wasn’t interested in her. She decided to cross out the last option since her gut told her so, and finally arrived at the decision that Taeyeon was dense. She eventually sounded out the rest of the cast, and found out that Taeyeon was their top student, great vocals with a fantastic musical background. But she was nicknamed The Diva, proud and untouchable. Tiffany concluded that Taeyeon was dense and not untouchable, and so she intensified her advances.
“Taetae,” Tiffany came up with the nickname, that was the first step, “I need to talk to you alone for a bit.” The second step was the light brush across Taeyeon’s back and the tugging of hands, Taeyeon suspected nothing and took well to the nickname.
Then the touches became more intimate, the distance between them closed and Tiffany suggested solo dates without any of the production members. Taeyeon wasn’t that dense after all and finally got what Tiffany was trying to make. Though she didn’t give Tiffany the green light until much much later, after the whole production ended (surprisingly successful, it was) and everyone became best buddies with each other. The musical pulled them closer and Tiffany hoped that for Taeyeon’s case it was going to be closer to her bed.
It happened as Tiffany wanted, after they sort of dated for a bit and Taeyeon became obviously smitten with her. A weird feeling struck Tiffany. It felt like she could just Taeyeon every night without having to pursue different people ever so often. Taeyeon had a child like charm to her, almost innocent that Tiffany couldn’t really bear to play the -and-dump card on her.
So Tiffany played the (multiple)s-and-(maybe one day) dump card on her, it was a bit too tiresome for Tiffany’s liking but she didn’t want it another way. Taeyeon was refreshing; Tiffany had fooled around with almost half the production members and Taeyeon was so different from them. In fact, Taeyeon was on a completely different plane from her usual crowd. Taeyeon was the type she would usually steer clear of and the failure to do that resulted in Tiffany’s drastic change in lifestyle.
Taeyeon was intriguing to Tiffany and that made her fall further into the trap.
Taeyeon looked innocent, and she was child-like at times but never really innocent. She could be a ert if she wanted, picking out cute girls and equally cute body parts when she felt like it. Taeyeon looked like an untouchable diva, but she’s really just stuck in her own world most of the time, and not that in tune with her surroundings. She could be if she wanted to, but mostly she didn’t care. Taeyeon gave off those emo vibes most of the time as well, according to people, but she was actually dorky and funny most of the time to Tiffany. Emo was just the tip of the superficial character Taeyeon portrayed. Beneath all that, she’s everything people didn’t expect her to be. Taeyeon was an entity that built on contradictory sentences and Tiffany got caught in it all.
The bomb dropped when Taeyeon found Tiffany making out with some girl at a quiet corner.
Tiffany’s head snapped back in surprise when she heard Taeyeon called out her name, that look on Taeyeon’s face nearly made her feel guilty. Only nearly, and it was unfortunate.
Tiffany didn’t have the thought that she was in a relationship with Taeyeon, it didn’t crossed her mind at all. And that was the point in which everything fell apart, and out of her control. She didn’t foresee that Taeyeon would react so badly, at the back of her head she thought or maybe wished that Taeyeon would just be like the other musical girls that she had fooled with. But in her heart, she knew Taeyeon wasn’t. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was caught in the act.
“Fany…”Taeyeon’s tone was so intimate that Tiffany had to fight off the urge to look away.
Yet, her voice was weak as well and it trembled slightly, there were even tears building up and threatening to fall. Somehow the girl Tiffany was making out with noticed the tension and bailed out with top speed; She was another one of those who just wanted to have fun.
Taeyeon was different; Tiffany could see the eyes begging for explanation or something. Tiffany didn’t want to know what those something meant, she was already deep enough in the dangerous territories.
“What I saw… Wasn’t it right?”
“Yes it is,” Tiffany blurted out, it was so natural to her and she didn’t want things to drag on that way with Taeyeon any longer.
Taeyeon look as though she took a slap to the face, she stood speechless and the evident hurt spreadt and clouded her eyes. Tiffany’s eyes met Taeyeon’s, she didn’t want to look down and appear guilty, there wasn’t anything to be guilty about. She was firm but suddenly she saw something in Taeyeon’s eyes that she couldn’t forget.
Hope, she saw this child-like hope.
“Please, Fany…”
It was too much for Tiffany, she couldn’t handle Taeyeon. She could see it, that look was all about her. Taeyeon had hope and faith in her. So stupid, Tiffany scoffed in her mind. But it had melted her even as she thought that way, it gave her that glimmer of chance to move away from the ridiculous hormonal driven lifestyle she had. Perhaps Taeyeon would be good for her, she was almost the perfect woman and a really good .
It would be fine, right?
“I’m sorry Tae,” that was the first time Tiffany apologized to Taeyeon, “ about everything I'm sorry. “
“It’s alright Fany,” that ing glimmer in Taeyeon’s eyes, Tiffany just couldn’t leave Taeyeon, “let’s be alright.”
“Yeah, let’s.”
Tiffany was captured in the trap and it started from her second year in college and lasted all the way for six years.
Then, she met Jessica and things fell apart.
Tiffany compared them subconsciously even though she wouldn’t admit it. Not that Taeyeon wasn’t great for her, no, Taeyeon was wonderful. Taeyeon was sweet, sentimental and stable. The beginnings of their relationship and even years down the road she found that she enjoyed that side about Taeyeon. Perhaps it was really the lethargy from a chaotic lifestyle, or maybe it was the correct time to settle, either way, Taeyeon had fit into her life.
But she didn’t realize that Taeyeon was a piece of missing puzzle that wasn’t a perfect fit. Maybe it was a dent or a slight crack, but she didn’t fit as seamlessly as Tiffany thought she did. When Jessica came into the picture, she probably accentuated what was missing.
In fact, it was almost like Jessica was missing, just because Tiffany felt so right with her. Even though everything was, on paper, so bloody wrong, Tiffany couldn’t push away how she felt. She gave up on explanations and relied on the natural responses her body and heart had to Jessica.
Jessica was so different from Taeyeon, in a pretty twisted way.
A month went by since Jessica went up to Tiffany in the café before Tiffany finally spilled the beans. Tiffany didn't know why she took so long. It should be something easy and if Jessica decided to flip out on her she would just leave. That had been the way for her previously, she wasn’t scared of losing anything then. Tiffany wasn't sure whether Taeyeon or Jessica was the one who caused the change in her. Tiffany didn't want to examine the reason behind her reluctance to tell Jessica the truth as well, she was afraid that the answer would be that four letter word.
Love.
Love would make the whole equation messed up.
However, Jessica didn't even look perturbed when Tiffany broke the news about the existence of a certain Taeyeon. She simply nodded without much thought, her focus didn’t shift from the novel in her hand, and the only sound was the television that was showing some classic movie. It’s strange for Jessica to have a TV in her room, Tiffany had this fleeting thought, she didn’t seem like a TV addict at all. Just lazy, that was the conclusion Tiffany arrived at as she poked Jessica in the ribs, hoping to incite some response. Jessica’s hand naturally moved to stop Tiffany’s offending finger and held on to it tightly, seemingly more so than usual.
"I don't really care you know? I didn't approach you, okay, technically I did. But you stalked me first," Jessica shrugged, nonchalance evident, "and that would make you the perpetrator. So whatever."
Tiffany was a bit too accurate with her perception of Jessica, she was almost hurt by the way Jessica brushed off everything. She never imagined that there would be this day that she actually wanted to question someone about their feelings. Was it just ? Weren’t there actual feelings involved?
Tiffany grabbed the TV remote, switched off the television and plucked the book from Jessica’s hand; the hotheaded side had gotten the better of her. The secret dwelled deep within, but Tiffany just had to fish it out.
“Do you love me?”
Tiffany saw the way Jessica’s eyes flickered slightly, changing from irritation to a flash of confusion before she laughed. A floaty laugh, as though Jessica was mocking her, and she didn’t like it.
“Surprise surprise, you're the last one I'd expect to say such things,” a hand landed on Tiffany’s lap, “Tiff, are we in high school?”
“No,” Tiffany scowled, “but I hope I won’t be hearing like I’m a good .”
“But you are.”
Jessica sounded so serious that Tiffany couldn’t think of a good rebuttal instantly. Everything was strange, how she acted, the question she asked and how far Taeyeon was away from her mind. Her sole focus was Jessica and that was probably a sin.
“And you're a lot of other things as well,” Jessica added on suddenly, voice quiet and a small smile on that exquisite face.
That was good enough for Tiffany, and she realized then that she had felt insecure. A ridiculous and foreign feeling that Jessica stirred up. Tiffany had never felt insecure in her whole life; she was too casual or too confident for such a feeling to creep up on her. Jessica had rocked the scale Tiffany set herself on, the balance was gone.
It was strangely exciting.
“Tiff,” Jessica called out seductively, “I guess it means we have to be sneaky and quiet now?”
“Not for though.”
Tiffany smirked and pounced on Jessica without a second thought. Jessica’s laugh rang out, pleased with the reply and soon the room was filled with loud pants and moans.
“I’m a really bad woman,” Jessica breathed into Tiffany’s ear as she was consumed by the waves of pleasure.
Taeyeon couldn't accept Tiffany being involved with other people. Those one-night stands and all the flirting, which symbolized the unrestricted side of Tiffany. Taeyeon had made it clear that she didn't like it, and expressed explicitly that monogamy was the basis of relationships. It was surprising, even to herself, but Tiffany decided that she should at least try to adjust to that. After all, they were officially in a relationship.
Monogamy. It was such a foreign term to Tiffany.
She tried to reject people and steered away from overly enticing situations. It wasn’t easy, Tiffany spent about a year getting used to a normal lifestyle. Taeyeon tolerated all her near mistakes and those uncontrollable times whereby someone too cute just had to appear and she couldn’t help but touch or make out slightly with them. Tiffany was changing and Taeyeon waited for her. That got to Tiffany, there were so many instances where Taeyeon seemed so dumb to her.
“Try harder for me please?” Taeyeon had said with this determined but melancholic tone after Tiffany confessed she nearly screwed someone in a semi drunk state, “Come home to me, Fany. You know I’m always there for you, not those other people.”
She was so dumb but so strong and steadfast in her love that Tiffany didn’t have the heart to disappoint her anymore. She couldn’t stray, when Taeyeon looked at her with the gaze that spoke of love and after she was used to that child-like touch to Taeyeon’s smile.
And so, Tiffany started rejecting all the party invitations and crazy sleepovers. She steered clear of those particularly cute girls who would tempt her resolve, and when she felt she might stray, she pictured Taeyeon’s face in her mind. It was hard, but things got better and Taeyeon’s image became more vivid.
She replaced her nights with Taeyeon; studying with Taeyeon, dinner dates with Taeyeon, walks with Taeyeon and with Taeyeon. It was all Taeyeon at one point in time and suddenly her life was normal. Her grades went up and her head no longer hurt from hangovers.
Tiffany felt that she loved Taeyeon.
Sunny, her best friend since she was eight, commented on how it was as though she had came out of the rehabilitation center named Kim Taeyeon. Her tone was slightly sarcastic and she didn’t look entirely convinced that Tiffany had cleaned up her act, although the years down the road proved her wrong.
That was before Jessica happened of course.
Jessica was asleep when Tiffany sneaked out of the room and to the balcony. She tried to take her mind off things as she stared at the random strangers on the sidewalk. But it didn’t work a single bit. Jessica admitting that she was a bad woman had unsettled her and now she couldn’t sleep. She wasn’t exactly sure if it was just her imagination, but Jessica’s voice sounded so raw and brittle. And Tiffany had an inkling that wasn’t because of ; it was because of emotions and Tiffany felt horrible.
She thought of Taeyeon who was somewhere touring as backup vocals to some girl group. The tour happened so conveniently and Tiffany didn’t even have to come up with excuses to be with Jessica anymore. Taeyeon wasn’t home most of the time and it made everything easier, but still the thoughts plagued her.
She looked at her phone, feeling unsure. It was late, almost one-thirty in the dead of the night, an inappropriate time to call anyone but she felt too lost.
“Helpline for the insatiable named Hwang Miyoung, Sunny speaking. How may I help?”
A chirpy voice sounded through the phone and Tiffany felt this familiar warmth rushing through her. Trust Sunny to be so bright even at such a weird hour.
“Now you are condemning me as well?”
“Of course not, but sometimes I feel like I’m a helpline. You only call when you need help. I don’t even want to mention how you're calling at 1am.”
Tiffany heard Sunny clicked her tongue disapprovingly, and that tiny act lightened her heart considerably.
“That’s because you're so busy investment banker Lee Soonkyu. Count the number of times you rejected or missed my calls.”
“Holy unicorn! Guess you're right.”
“And you rather go for all those ty performances than to meet me. ”
“It’s called arts appreciation, I invited you but you dismissed me. Now get to the point, woman.”
She could tell that Sunny was getting impatient, and she chewed on the insides of as she spoke, “I cheated on Taeyeon.”
“…Oh, wow.” Sunny’s tone was unimpressed, as though nothing Tiffany did faze her anymore.
“I am cheating on Taeyeon. Ongoing.”
“Uh huh, but wrong helpline, I only deal with .”
Tiffany rolled her eyes, Sunny wanted to annoy her, perhaps this cheating thing didn’t sit that well with her after all.
“Cheating includes and I just had with her,” Her tone came out harder than she wanted it to, but whatever, it was Sunny.
“Someone’s short fused today. To be honest I saw it coming, Miyoung, so I’m more surprised that it only happened now.”
Tiffany paused, the silence between them was thick and she didn’t know how to reply Sunny when her words were so accurate. So she chose to divert the attention away instead.
“Taeyeon kept going on about how much she misses you by the way”
“Tell her Super Sunny is earning money to furbish one of the rooms into a gaming hub.”
“It’s funny. How close you're to Taeyeon, when you don’t even think she’s right for me.”
“Nu-uh. I’ve never explicitly said that. Besides, she’s a great friend, I need a gamer friend in my life, variety you know. Bankers are so boring,“ and Tiffany heard a scoff on Sunny’s end, “Anyway, you’re telling me about this mess because you’ve arrived at a decision and want me to approve of it, or you’re unsure of what to do and need my input?”
“Neither, I just need someone to rant to. I’m bursting because I’m keeping it to myself.”
“And it’s the first time you aren’t announcing it, applause for you. To educate you, affairs are that way, you aren’t supposed to go around announcing it and throwing confetti.”
Tiffany wanted to hit her, she wished there was a way to physically reach Sunny through the phone, because she wasn’t being the comforting Sunny she needed right now.
“I hate your sarcasm sometimes. And she knows, the girl I’m cheating with knows about Taeyeon’s existence.”
“And she’s totally cool with it right?”
“How’d you know?!”
“Because I’m omnipresent,” Tiffany could almost imagine the Sunny rolling her eyes with the amount of sarcasm in her tone, “Or maybe I’m just good at inferring. Miyoungie, I know I’m a bad friend but I’m going to say that I don’t think cheating is right but you cheating on Taeyeon seemed kinda inevitable.”
“Thanks, Soonkyu.”
“But I’m not saying it’s right, okay? It’s wrong, you're an adult and in a stable relationship. I’d love to be on your side, but I’m neutral this time.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Save that for Taeyeon.”
“She heard it countless times, I could spare you one.”
“Why thank you, I guess I should just accept it then,” she heard Sunny chuckle, as if she was hinting that the apology would come in handy somehow.
Sunny was the one Tiffany could depend on, one loyal friend that stood by her since she was young. Sunny saw the whole process, discovering her uality and the confusion, all the way to her high school fiasco and college atrocities. Tiffany was Miyoung to Sunny, and that gave her some comfort. Whatever she did, Sunny would always remain as Miyoung’s friend.
“You're not a horrible person Miyoungie, you're a wonderful person, just bad with this relationship thing.”
With the way Sunny stood by her, she couldn’t decide who was more screwed up- her or Sunny.
After her little call to Sunny, Tiffany didn’t move from her spot on the balcony, preferring to let her thoughts settle. Unintentionally, her eyes fell on the pots of cactus on the ledge; they were growing so silently, like they were undisturbed and unnoticed by the world. Tiffany couldn’t recall Jessica watering them, in fact she didn’t even realized they existed.
“How apt,” Tiffany thought out loud.
“What’s apt?”
Jessica’s voice floated over, slightly husky from her sleep, and a warm body pressed against Tiffany’s back. She felt her heartbeat quickened when Jessica’s face buried into her neck, and she smelled that scent again.
“The cactus,” Tiffany replied without hesitating, lost in Jessica’s scent and warmth.
“Oh, the cactus…” Jessica’s tone was strange, as if she choked and for a second, Tiffany thought Jessica actually figured out her thoughts, “whatever floats your boat, but I’m feeling slightly hungry.”
She could hear the pout in Jessica’ voice, it was adorable and Tiffany forgot about what was bothering her. Be it Taeyeon, or the cactus.
Tiffany came home to a postcard from Taeyeon, it showed a strange statue that was a combination of a lion head and fish body spouting water against a backdrop of brightly lit buildings. Tiffany chuckled softly, Taeyeon had drawn pink hearts all over the postcard. She flipped it over and read the shorts snippets of her tour ending off with a “I’m missing you so much it’s more incredible than the water spouting lion-fish.”
Taeyeon was a romantic, really cheesy at times and often coughing up cringe worthy lines. But the habit of sending Tiffany a postcard whenever she flew with some big shot singer always gave her a tingling feeling in the heart. There were even a number of times that had her bursting into jovial songs as she twirled around the house from the blissful sensations.
Received your postcard with the water-spouting thing. I love you taetae.
The message was sent to Taeyeon, and Tiffany knew she wouldn’t be receiving a reply anytime soon. She was probably doing rehearsals or something somewhere. Tiffany wondered how she could possibly predict things about Taeyeon so well, was it because of the stability and extensive knowledge of each other? Or was it just her pretending to know it so well?
Maybe Taeyeon was ing one of the hot girls in the group at the moment, who knows? Tiffany laughed and her voice echoed slightly in their apartment.
Such a typical cheater mindset, Tiffany thought scornfully.
Her own actions had made her overly suspicious. It was ridiculous, and she felt something stirred in her.
Something that resembled guilt had made its way into Tiffany.
Is it possible to actually love two people at one time?
Tiffany asked herself this for the umpteenth time. She was at Jessica’s apartment as usual and listening to the sound of Jessica typing. She had some last minute things to edit, and Tiffany was left without a lover and bored out of her mind as random questions kept running through her head.
The whole apartment was basking in the glow of the sun. A sunny day, and it was rare that Tiffany got to see natural light when she was with Jessica. Somehow it was always at night that they got together, and those nights were mostly moody. Even the moon refused to shine on them.
As Tiffany scrutinized the apartment out of boredom, she noticed an obscure corner on the shelf, a small corner mostly filled with thick and academic looking books. Tiffany never bothered to look at the shelf properly, she knew it was there, spanning the whole length of the wall. She could make out the magazines, fashion and make-up books, novels that covered various genres and a few rows of CDs. Then there was that obscure corner, right at the bottom corner, semi-hidden by the lamp.
Tiffany went up to it and sat down, looking at it curiously. The books in that particular corner felt out of place, it seemed like another world altogether; Books that appeared too nerdy for Jessica- Business Law, Investment Management, Finance, Market strategies, Economics journals and all the likes. Tiffany felt her brain blew up just by reading the titles. She never developed a liking for such subjects since young and her ties with numbers was practically non-existent. In fact, she only passed her compulsory mathematical module in college because Sunny taught her, travelling all the way to her college everyday for two weeks until she felt confident enough to scrap a pass.
“Jessi!”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you have books that are meant for the furnace?”
“Huh?” The typing sounds ceased, Jessica was truly confused.
“Economics Journals? Seriously?!”
“Tried to put on an intelligent facade,” came the reply, and the typing resumed, “besides, they're the best companion for sleepless nights. A paragraph of it and I sleep like a log.”
Tiffany laughed, suddenly feeling that there was so much more to Jessica for her learn. It was like a brand new exploration and adventure, Jessica had so many sides to her that it amazed Tiffany. As she looked passed the books, the CDs caught her attention. They were separated from the other CDs, and somehow Tiffany could see why Jessica did that. The CDs here were would experience a culture clash with those on the main rack.
“Jazz?” Tiffany looked to Jessica, holding up a box set sounding particularly amused, “Wow and classical music? I thought you were a pop and dance junkie? What’s this, uh… Anni de something?”
“Années de pèlerinage, by Liszt. Classical music’s good for relaxation, calms the mind I think.”
“Oh my god, you sound possessed. I’ve got friends that say the exact same .”
“Taeyeon?”
Tiffany didn’t expect Taeyeon to come up, and it stung. The way Jessica said it, so off-handedly, as if Taeyeon was any other name she could just throw around. She couldn’t tell if it was the way it was said or just the name itself that got on her nerves. Too many lines had been blurred.
“No,” Tiffany felt a flash of anger, “I’ve got other people around me besides her you know.”
“She’s the only one I know. It was a passing comment, chill Tiff.”
Tiffany didn’t reply but simply diverted her attention back to the CDs in that obscure corner of Jessica’s wall of shelves. Some titles seemed familiar to Tiffany, which had her wondering if it was déjà vu; she wasn’t one to listen to all these music and if it felt familiar it must be some sort of destiny.
Or maybe Taeyeon mentioned them before, this thought slipped into her mind before she could stop herself. It was unsettling, the way Taeyeon wormed her way more and more often into her mind. Tiffany was sure it was a sign, just that she had no idea what it meant exactly.
Then Jessica shouted something over.
“I’m sorry about mentioning her.”
She sounded genuinely apologetic, and that just made Tiffany feel worse.
“Have you heard the latest?”
“What?”
“The affair of course, I heard they met at some bar.”
“Wasn’t it a café?”
“The Starbucks a few streets down?”
“Yesss! Didn’t you know, they-”
Tiffany froze in the toilet cubicle, she recognized the voices outside. They were two of the biggest gossipmongers around and the story they were chattering excitedly about sounded uncomfortably familiar. Too much like how she met Jessica, and Tiffany felt the anxiety washed over her.
They couldn’t know, could they?
“I heard it was pretty fast and furious.”
“Oooh, they ed?”
“Of course! That girl was sooooo -“
Tiffany slammed the cubicle door open and saw the two gossipmongers jumped back in surprise. She had to shut these two up, but as she glared at them she wondered how did the news leak and spread. Did that mean that she had to face Taeyeon with the truth soon? But it was her workplace, that didn’t overlap with Taeyeon’s. Maybe it could be kept under wraps…
“Oh Tiffany, it’s you! You scared me, I thought it was Jihyo.”
“Huh? Jihyo?”
Kang Jihyo the director? Now that didn’t make sense.
“Of course! Haven’t you heard about the affair? It’s hot news!”
As the women blabbered on about the latest news, which was mostly made up in her opinion, Tiffany realized how uptight she was. There were those few words that could make her all sensitive and paranoid.
Maybe she was only good at the brazen flirting and intimacy. This stealthily cheating thing was not her forte.
Taeyeon was set to return soon and in a rash moment, Tiffany decided that it was the right time to drag Jessica out of the apartment. Jessica protested furiously, insisting that she preferred the comforts of her house and the AC. Only after much persuading and cajoling plus promises of a cool place with fantastic dessert did Jessica finally relent.
They walked, shopped, and filled the day with precious memories. Jessica looked slightly bemused with Tiffany’s utter adoration for anything pink, especially when Tiffany picked out a pink headphone that dazzled with the sheer number of crystals on it. Too flashy, Jessica frowned and got a pout from Tiffany.
When Jessica finally lamented that she was too tired to continue, Tiffany led her to a quaint little shop that had wonderful dessert. They were carrying shopping bags and sharing a rare normal moment with Tiffany’s hand pressed against the small of Jessica’s back. Everything was so out in the open and on that day, it felt like they were just a couple, pure and simple. It was a date that didn’t feel like they were trying to hide from the world.
“Fany!”
Tiffany recoiled, shock taking over when she heard that familiar name that Taeyeon called her by. For that split second, she thought it was Taeyeon, that she was caught even though she wasn’t really doing anything suspicious. It was terribly disconcerting.
But she knew Taeyeon’s voice by heart and that wasn’t her.
“Hey Hyo,” Tiffany smiled, having cleared her head and calmed her nerves.
“Haven’t seen you in aaages,”Hyoyeon had a wide smile on, “Come on, let’s catch up! Are you Fany’s friend? I’m Hyoyeon, but just call me Hyo. ”
“Hi, I’m Jessica,” Tiffany was amazed at how calm Jessica was, looking like nothing was amiss, as she flashed that polite smile of hers.
As they walked over to Hyoyeon’s table, Tiffany absent-mindedly moved some stray hair out of Jessica’s face, a gesture not noticed by Hyoyeon who was walking ahead. Tiffany, though, was startled by her own action. It was too natural, too close to a habitual gesture.
Jessica didn’t react on the surface, but as she followed behind Hyoyeon, Tiffany felt a finger trailed down from her forearm to the back of her palm. It was so subtle that it sent shivers tingling down.
“Why aren’t you on tour with Tae though?” Tiffany asked after they sat down, curious about Hyoyeon’s presence, “I thought you were in the concert.”
“I’m planning to start up my own dance school so I kinda took off from the concert dancing thing.”
“Oh? Your friend’s a dancer?” Jessica sounded interested as she cut in, “I’m thinking of this special column about different occupations for the magazine I work for. Dancers is one of those I’m thinking about.”
“Wow! You wanna feature me?” Hyoyeon’s eyes lit up when Jessica nodded thoughtfully.
“Female dancers are cool.”
“Awesome!” Hyoyeon leaned forward with excitement, “How about vocal instructors? I’ve got a friend, she does backing vocals as well and she’s pretty big in… hold on, I guess you’d know her since you're Fany’s friend?”
“Taeyeon?” Tiffany cringed unwittingly when Jessica said that name with such ease.
“Yep!”
“She sounds like an incredible person, I’d love to meet her.”
Tiffany felt her own facial muscles tightened, she couldn’t control them that well, unlike Jessica. This situation was a total farce. Jessica was showing admiration for Taeyeon with that heartfelt look and earnest tone. It was slightly unnerving to Tiffany, how Jessica could easily say things like meeting Taeyeon.
“Of course! She would have been a superstar if not for the fact that she dislikes the spotlight and she didn’t want the relationship with Fany to b- OH ,” Hyoyeon widened her eyes as she looked to Tiffany, “sorry, um your friend knows right?”
“Yes, blabbermouth. You never ever change,” Tiffany rolled her eyes, Hyo was impossible to control.
“Great! No harm done!” Hyoyeon beamed, “Anyway those two are so in love, how can anyone not know? I bet you gays rainbow out.”
“Poop jokes, Taetae would love that,” Tiffany had to counter with that as she imagined Taeyeon’s face contorted from that ridiculous Ahjumma laugh. For a second, she forgot that Jessica was there and the tenderness slipped into her expression.
“Sure Fany, I’ll text her the joke, “Hyoyeon had a silly smile plastered on, “Oh and we’ve Tiffany the scriptwriter here as well.”
“Mmhmm, that’s why I’m here with her. We were going to discuss that.”
Tiffany gaped, Jessica had effortlessly explained away their meeting with a possibly bogus column and Hyoyeon didn’t suspect it at all. Jessica was smooth, possibly more so than Tiffany. It was astounding, how skilled Jessica was at this cheating thing. Tiffany never saw her as someone who could lie and put on such a perfect front, she always looked more like those with a blunt personality.
How Jessica exceled at this cheating thing eluded Tiffany.
“This’s really cool! What other occupations are you looking at?”
“All sorts to be honest. Lawyers, painters, snake charmers, anything.”
“I’ve got a banker friend, pretty high up the ladder and earning big bucks. I could introduce her to you.” Tiffany begun, hoping to make the supposed lie more realistic.
“Banker’s been taken though. Besides, bankers are apparently boring people. Find me some interesting candidates.”
Hyoyeon gushed her agreement and continued the conversation with Jessica about a jerk of a banker she met once. Just then, a moment of madness took over Tiffany’s mind, and before she could think, her hand had slipped under the table and was resting on Jessica’s thigh.
Maybe it was the adrenaline rush that came with the action, she felt this overwhelming happiness along with an exploding heart. It was on Jessica, to not show any signs of a hand caressing her thigh; To not expose them, and to not incur any suspicion from Hyoyeon.
“Tiffany, what’s with the stupid grin on your face?” Tiffany jerked her head towards Jessica who was looking at her, face not showing a single trace of panic.
“Yeah, Fany you look dumb,” Hyoyeon’s attention had drifted to Tiffany, oblivious to what was really happening.
“Oh…” Tiffany spied Jessica’s eyes, the cunning little sparks and she got the message.
Two can play this game.
“Um… I’m just thinking about the fantastic dessert that’s coming up! Yummy!” Tiffany faked an excited squeal before she squealed for real when Jessica’s nail scrapped lightly along her inner thigh.
“Right, weirdo. Next thing I know, you'd be liking poop related things just like Tae.”
Tiffany managed to give a dry laugh and she was thankful that Hyoyeon was one of the most oblivious people she had ever known. Hyoyeon noticed nothing when they sent messages to each other through meaningful gazes and light touches, or when Jessica’s chest leaned against her arms longer than necessary as she stretched for the paper napkins. Tiffany nearly made the mistake of kicking Hyoyeon when she tried to run her legs along Jessica’s, a close shave but fortunately, Hyoyeon remained clueless.
It was thrilling and adrenaline pumped into Tiffany the whole time. She felt so much closer to Jessica just by communicating with mere eye contact. It felt magical.
When Hyoyeon finally left them for another appointment, the two of them burst out laughing immediately, unable to contain the emotions that had built up within.
“That was epic,” Jessica had laughed till there were tears.
“You naughty girl!”
“Yes and you're the saint? I wonder who first started caressing my thigh, hmm?”
They shared another laugh and Tiffany was ridiculously satisfied with how the day went. It was wonderful, with Jessica by her side and almost without a care about what would the outside world think of their relationship.
“It was nice to meet someone you know. Like, a real living person.”
It was out of the blue and Jessica said it with such a casual tone, as if she was merely pointing out a trivial issue. But it doused Tiffany’s mood, it sounded like a subtle hint to her even though she knew that it really wasn’t.
They lived in an empty world, created solely by the two of them and had everyone removed. Everyone else in their conversations were labeled as friends, colleagues, buddy, whatever it was no names were mentioned. It was only Taeyeon, she existed in the back of their head, behind the glossed over truth of their relationship. Taeyeon was like the thorn, a glaring reality in their constructed world.
Hyoyeon was a passing cloud; what really was waiting for them, was Taeyeon.
Taeyeon was back.
Tiffany had prepared herself prior to it, she knew the tour ended and Taeyeon would be around until something took her away. But it was strange, that when Tiffany saw the box lying on the ground she had felt moved. The pink box placed so innocently at the foot of the door to their apartment had led to her feeling a rush of yearning for Taeyeon.
It was romantic and cheesy Taeyeon at work, Tiffany knew, as she picked up the box and saw the words on the box.
My brightest light Fany :)
That was all it took for Tiffany to break down in tears in front of their apartment. She didn’t know how long she cried, merely squatting there and hugging the box without a notion of time. Her eyes felt sore, her legs were numbed and she was tired. But she sobbed without control, or without a need for control, she couldn’t tell which. Things were in disarray, that’s all she could tell, and she wasn’t ready for it.
“Fany?”
Tiffany heard the door click opened and it was Taeyeon’s voice. So clear and familiar.
“Fany! What’s wrong?”
That clear voice was tainted with worry, and Tiffany knew, even though her face was buried in her arms and eyes blinded by the tears, that Taeyeon’s eyebrows were knitted, eyes full of concern and she would definitely be biting her lips. Next Taeyeon would squat down with her and pull her into a hug.
“Fany Fany, don’t cry…”
Tiffany felt the guilt hit her full blast this time. Maybe because things with Jessica were crossing the physical and getting more and more into the emotional elements. Maybe because she knew that her love for Taeyeon was no longer as pure as before. Or maybe it was simply because she now loved Jessica as well.
She cried into Taeyeon’s embrace and felt like hitting herself. Taeyeon’s warmth was too comforting and familiar, and suddenly she couldn’t fathom why she had dislike the familiarity and stability. It was confusing and everything was turning topsy-turvy.
“Let’s go in okay? Come on Fany, I promise everything will be alright.”
Tiffany nodded, it wasn’t going to be alright, but she couldn’t tell Taeyeon that.
Everything was ed up. Every single ing thing.
Tiffany watched how Taeyeon hid the worry in her eyes as she put on the most comforting smile, because that was what Tiffany needed. That was ed up.
How much Taeyeon loved her, it overwhelmed her.
It wasn’t something new, Tiffany knew of the extent of Taeyeon’s love all along but it didn’t matter because love wasn’t supposed to be balanced, it was normal that way.
But Jessica had entered the equation.
Tiffany watched as Taeyeon made some hot drink for her, it was like a child trying to take care of her sick mother. Things were horribly screwed up. Taeyeon was the one in need of the care and concern, Tiffany knew but couldn’t possibly explain that to Taeyeon.
As her nose started to clear after that ridiculous bout of weeping, Tiffany realized that a delicious smell was in the air. It was the smell of homemade food, and it dawned on her that Taeyeon had been cooking.
Tiffany wanted to choke herself.
“What happened?” Taeyeon sat down with her, passing her that cup of warm drink.
“Nothing,” Tiffany replied immediately, there was no other option for her.
Taeyeon’s concern was clear, she could guess that something was wrong yet she simply smiled, choosing to trust in Tiffany’s words even though it was such an obvious lie. That felt like a stab to her chest, that trust was too painful for her to bear.
Tiffany had never felt so much guilt to a person before, she didn’t expect herself to feel that much guilt. It had been smooth sailing, the initial lies the secret meetings and no there wasn’t much, if any, guilt.
“I’m sorry,” Tiffany blurted out.
“Why? I’m sure you didn’t burn any part of the kitchen this time, I checked,” Taeyeon raised her eyebrows, her lips curled up playfully.
“I don’t know.”
“Stressed up?”
“Yes.”
Taeyeon reached over and tenderly caressed her cheek. Taeyeon’s touch was always tender, and the way she leaned in and let their forehead touch, the chaste kiss that felt so loving. It was all Taeyeon’s way of giving Tiffany warmth and her way of keeping her place in Tiffany’s heart.
“I love you, Fany. Don’t worry too much okay?”
“I love you too Taetae,” Tiffany choked out the words, her emotions were swirling too much that she felt dizzy.
It wasn’t a lie, the love was still there. Just that other things had tainted it.
“I’m starting on a new script,” Tiffany began hesitantly, even she couldn’t tell if it was an attempt to cover up or was it just a normal conversation.
“So it’s because of that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ignorance is bliss,” Taeyeon winked and laughed, running a hand through Tiffany’s hair.
As Taeyeon walked off to finish up the dinner preparation, Tiffany couldn’t help but feel her heartache. It was so apt, what Taeyeon said. It was so apt that it hurt.
Tiffany’s legs took her over to where Taeyeon was, and she watched as Taeyeon busied herself in the kitchen. It was a familiar sight, but really hard to stomach at the moment.
“I’m such a horrible person, Taetae,” Tiffany went up to Taeyeon and hugged her by the neck, breathing into her hair, “I’m so horrible.”
“Oh?” Taeyeon chuckled, the light hearted tone was piercing to Tiffany, “I know that, Fany. Knew it long long long ago.”
And it was the hidden meaning behind that which almost had Tiffany burst into tears again. Taeyeon knew the state Tiffany was in and yet chose trust and love above everything else.
It was too much to handle.
That night, Tiffany stared at her phone when Taeyeon was in the showers. She contemplated texting Jessica but she had no idea what to say. What would she say? End things with Jessica? It wasn’t possible.
Things are so screwed up. I’m so screwed up. There’s a monster in me Soonkyu. A greedy and insatiable monster.
Tiffany got a reply from Sunny uncharacteristically quickly.
It’s okay Miyoungie, things will be alright somehow. I love you, come to me when you're too trapped by everything.
Sunny was like Taeyeon, albeit in another form and Tiffany cried softly again.
Nothing changed, be it with Jessica or Taeyeon. She was still cheating on Taeyeon with Jessica, but at the same time still very much in love with Taeyeon. It was complex and after the crying saga with Taeyeon, her emotions had hit another level of complexity.
Jessica knew Taeyeon was back, Tiffany couldn’t pinpoint what was it that led her to that conclusion but it showed. Jessica wasn’t texting her as often, and was being absurdly understanding. Sometimes Tiffany would feel unworthy of Jessica, she was shortchanging her and simultaneously betraying Taeyeon.
She was a lousy girlfriend.
“Would you be able to live with me?”
Jessica looked up from the novel, Tiffany had managed to squeeze time out and they were chilling at Jessica’s apartment as usual. Their safe haven.
“Huh?”
“Like to be really together and live as if we're, I don’t know, married? Or like you and Taeyeon, for a lack of better description.”
Tiffany was stunned. She didn’t like the way Taeyeon came up again, and it sounded like a comparison this time. Maybe Jessica wasn’t that understanding and maybe this place wasn’t such a safe haven.
“Can we not go there?”
“No, Tiff. It isn’t about Taeyeon, it’s about you and me. Can we live as an us?”
“I think we're kind of-”
“If you're going to say that’s how we're like you should just shut up.”
“What the hell Jessi?”
“Shut up.”
Tiffany didn’t know if she could to be honest, it was as though Jessica was forcing her to choose. She knew that there wasn’t going to be a result to this connection between them, but she wanted to have it, to stay in it.
“Would you be confortable dating a cheater?” It was another shot out of the blue and Tiffany felt her blood boil.
“What?! What the are you insinuating now Jessica Jung?”
“I’m not, I’m just asking,” Jessica was staring calmly at Tiffany, then she scoffed softly, “Sincerely, if you can’t tell.”
That sarcastic tone and scoff didn’t go down well with Tiffany and before she knew, she raised her volume to a shout. Suddenly, they were just yelling at each other, the serenity before entirely forgotten.
“I can’t then! All I hear is you accusing me and trying to ruin everything we have. What is your ing problem?”
“You're too bloody sensitive Tiffany. And what the do we have anyway?! We have nothing!”
Jessica yelled back and only silence followed, as they glared at each other, neither side willing to relent. The fight was real and emotions were raw. No one wanted it, but it was bound to happen. She was ill prepared for a burst up with Jessica, she thought the first confrontation would happen with Taeyeon.
“Love,” Tiffany croaked out, eyes teary, “I think we have love don’t we?”
“An immoral one at best.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Tiffany retorted instantly, “Jessi, it doesn’t matter. That’s everything to me.”
“I was being sincere just now,” Jessica’s eyes fell as though it hurt to look at Tiffany, and Tiffany couldn’t understand why, “the questions. They weren’t an attack on you.”
They fell back into silence, the cracks are surfacing, and Tiffany feared it. They were locked in their own world trying their hardest to keep people out, but suddenly things were breaking down from within.
“I value my private space. That's why I asked you, I guess,” Jessica’s voice cut into the silence between them, there was something in that tone, something that Tiffany just couldn’t define, “Even if we were to be so stable that we could live together I still don't like the idea. I'd feel invaded. Weird huh?”
Jessica didn’t sound like she was joking, nor just trying to cover up her sharp words previously. She sounded so serious that Tiffany felt her next sentence might just be “I think that’s it for us”.
“I don't like my relationship to be known to the whole world. If I have to choose, I’d rather keep it silent,” Jessica smiled, bitterly, “Maybe that’s how we managed to sustain this… Love?”
Tiffany shut her eyes, she couldn’t bring herself close to Jessica without either of their hearts breaking. She couldn’t look straight into Jessica’s eyes without the threat of tears.
“I wished we had met earlier. Five, no, seven years earlier. We wouldn’t be stuck in this if it were so…” Tiffany muttered, tired of everything but not able to let go of anything.
“Maybe,” Tiffany was staring at the blackness behind her closed eyes, and only the wistful tone of Jessica’s floated into her ears, “ or maybe you wouldn’t have stuck with me if that was the case. Or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows?”
Tiffany couldn’t answer, lost for words and trapped in this downwards spiral.
All of a sudden, Tiffany felt soft hands on her cheeks and when she opened her eyes, Jessica was staring at her, a piercing gaze accompanied by a solemn expression. Melancholy ghosted over Jessica’s face briefly when she finally spoke.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
Tiffany was having lunch alone when an unexpected number showed up on her phone. The name Soonkyu was flashing and Sunny’s bright smile was coaxing her to pick up the call.
“I bump into Tae.”
“What the ?”
Sunny didn’t even said hello, she sounded rushed and went straight to the point.
“Yep, after all those months I didn’t see her, it just had to be after you told me you were cheating.”
“You didn’t tell right?”
“10 points to Gryffindor! Wonderful answer Hermione!”
Tiffany heaved a sigh of relief, not because she didn’t trust Sunny. But for certain things, hearing it first hand was always more comforting.
“Thanks, 10 points to Ravenclaw!”
“God, trust you to continue that. Your Taeyeon looked happy, in love and basically nothing. No difference. Zilch. You pull off this cheating quite well.”
“10 points to Gryffindor again?”
“Overkill Miyoung. Taeyeon talked to me about her new project, she’s trying to be a musical actress.” Sunny’s tone made it sound more like a question than a statement and Tiffany knew what Sunny was getting at.
“Confession, I didn’t know that… Maybe it’s a surprise?”
“Great way to cover your .”
“Fine, I think she mentioned it, but it slipped my mind.” Tiffany conceded, Sunny was one person she couldn’t lie to, “I’m too busy with this new script, Jessica inspires the most wonderful things in me.”
There was a pause, almost like Sunny got cut off as Tiffany heard a void.
“Hello? Soonkyu?”
“Was in the lift. Did I hear a Jessica?”
“Yes, slip of tongue.”
“So you're cheating on Taeyeon with this… Jessica?”
“You make her sound like some item, Soonkyu.”
Tiffany heard that overprotective tone she used, and a sigh sounded out at Sunny’s end. Sunny had caught on, things weren’t that simple.
“So, Jessica is her name?”
“Obviously.”
“Okay, I won’t ask for more description. I have a feeling you won’t say and I won’t want to know.”
“Yeah, access denied. Jessica and I, we live in an empty world, it’s only two of us.”
“And let’s pray that no one barges in.”
“You're being weirdly pessimistic.”
“Well Miyoung, this love of yours isn’t exactly positive, and I’ve got to go, tons of stuff to do and a to meet,” it was said with a hurried tone but there this cheerfulness that Tiffany couldn’t miss.
“That’s some suspicious there, you sounded too happy. “
“A smoking hot ,” Sunny laughed, “She’s actually-“
She was interrupted by some shouts in the background, Tiffany heard Sunny yell something muffled back at those voices, before her voice came back on. This time it sounded hurried and annoyed.
“Dammit, really gotta go now, emergency meeting! , the won’t be happy about this. Urg. See ya okay?”
After Sunny hung up, Tiffany could no longer continue her lunch, with the endless uneasiness that seeped into her. Fate was a funny thing, and although she often laughed at those overly cliché plots filled with the typical fateful meetings, she couldn’t help but think there were some truth to those.
It would explain how Sunny randomly encountered Taeyeon and how Tiffany met Jessica.
Tiffany furrowed her brows, a headache was on the brink of exploding. She tapped on her phone, editing the message a few times before finally sending it.
Let’s go on a date tonight!
It was a double life. There was a fear of getting caught in the act of cheating and there was this unstoppable desire that surged within her. It kept leading her to Jessica and Tiffany was helpless against it.
As she stood near the washroom area waiting for Taeyeon, her thoughts travelled to Jessica. What Jessica was doing and how was her day, all of that. She didn’t consider the consequences of her actions, and simply called Jessica. The desire to hear Jessica’s voice, had overpowered logical thoughts temporarily.
“Tiff?”
“Hey.”
“Strange time for you to call…”
“I missed you.”
“Check your surroundings,” Tiffany heard a mixture of amusement and worry in Jessica’s tone.
“I’m serious.”
“Did something happen?”
Tiffany contemplated, was Sunny bumping into Taeyeon worth mentioning?
“Nope,” Tiffany decided against it, she didn’t have the luxury of time, “are you home?”
“Driving, on my way to meet my banker.”
“Huh? But it’s past 8pm!”
“Said banker will be my column subject and I have to wheedle her into participation.”
“Oh, that column was for real?”
“Yes, and this idiot banker of mine is too busy to even eat at a proper time. Now I’m stuck with such a screwed up time for dinner.”
Tiffany noted that Jessica didn’t sound as irritated as she would have imagined her to be; conversely, her tone was light and carefree. It was a weird. The Jessica that Tiffany knew wasn’t such a patient or easygoing person; that column must be important.
“I’m almost there, talk to you later maybe?”
“Yeah,” Tiffany knew that later probably meant a time when she wasn’t with Taeyeon, “ I love you, bye.”
“Love you too, Tiff.”
The timing Tiffany hung up was impeccable; Taeyeon stepped out of the toilet soon after, complaining about the long queue and two faulty cubicles. But Tiffany couldn’t process Taeyeon’s words entirely as she double-checked in her head that she had erased all traces of contact with Jessica from her phone. It was tiring, but Jessica was worth the effort and paranoia.
Warped, but whatever.
“Hyo said you’ve got a friend Jessica,” Taeyeon began innocently, critically examining a display of plastic toys, “she’s going to feature Hyo in a magazine?”
“Oh, yeah I think so, she’s thinking of featuring us as well.”
There were so many ways Tiffany could have phrased the sentence but she chose to use the word us, it was a subconscious effort to make things intimate.
“Nah,” Taeyeon made a face and stuck out her tongue, “I’m too good to be featured along with you.”
Tiffany stared at Taeyeon with mocked hurt, before she laughed and lightly punched her. Taeyeon’s eyes were sparkly, flashing Tiffany that kiddy smile before she slipped her hand into Tiffany’s. The smile that captivated her back when they just begun, and Tiffany felt her heart throbbed.
“Hyo said she was really pretty, almost like a doll. How you got to know her?”
“Hmm?” Tiffany tried to think of something rapidly, a pause would be too suspicious, “She’s Sunny’s friend.”
She gave the first excuse she could think of, and mentally reminded herself to tell Sunny to match her story if Taeyeon asked. More and more people were getting involved in this and a sense of dread overcame her. There was an urgent need to divert Taeyeon’s attention. She was about to talk about Sunny’s suggestion of a game room when a pair heels and familiar legs caught her eye; It was that pair of glittery silver heels, and those legs that tangled with hers in bed.
It was Jessica.
Jessica was walking towards her. The panic button smashed and alarms sounded in her head as she tried her best to keep herself from falling into obvious hysteria.
She was holding hands with Taeyeon and Jessica was approaching. Disaster.
“I’d love to meet this Jessica,” Tiffany heard Taeyeon’s voice and her words sounded like a buzz, “I guess I would? If she features me.”
“Yeah…” Jessica was walking closer, in fact they were walking towards each other, “If she decides to, you would.”
The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Tiffany. It was so bad that Tiffany felt something sour threatening to escape from .
When they were merely a few steps apart, Tiffany noticed that Jessica had her face like a porcelain doll, showing no emotions or recognition. She heard Taeyeon continued on about joining Hyoyeon’s dance school as a vocal instructor but could only nod and mumble vague responses.
Jessica brushed passed her without faltering. They were strangers out in the real world, no one must know. Everything was surreal.
But for a split second she felt familiar fingers thread into her free hand, and she knew that she had held hands with Jessica momentarily.
Tiffany felt sick.
Taeyeon on one side and Jessica on the other.
The situation was so absurd but so true.
“Tae.”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
Taeyeon looked surprised at the sudden confession, but her face lit up and she gave Tiffany’s hand a light squeeze.
“Fany, you’re so silly,” Taeyeon’s eyes gleamed, “but that’s why I love you.”
Tiffany felt a bit of that sickening feeling go away and she smiled, a genuine smile because she really loved Taeyeon.
She heard Jessica’s heels click like the first time they met, but they were going further away, in the other direction and staway from her.
Their happiness and love didn’t belong here. Tiffany was strangely clear-headed despite what transpired. Jessica probably knew all along, she had been the more levelheaded person in this whole affair. Her thoughts drifted to what Jessica said, it was still fresh in her mind, almost ingrained.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
It was painful, she no longer knew what was now. Because somehow the worlds had collided. Taeyeon was with her, yet her mind was on Jessica.
“I’m a really bad woman.”
She never managed to grasp the actual meaning of that sentence; there was always this feeling of something more to Jessica. But it no longer mattered as well.
I’m a really bad woman too, Tiffany silently muttered.
Nothing would come out of the entanglement. She knew, but she wanted to stay in that web of immorality and betrayal. She was already caught and she would stay until the walls crumbled down and buried her.
They had everything and nothing. From the start till the end of it, everything and nothing at all.
end
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