DIARY OF HAPPINESS

I love the life I have now. I do not have a fancy big house, but I am contented with what I have gained. I guess happiness is utterly subjective. I have a decent job working full time as a dancer and I also involve in collaboration dance for song.  I have two cars and a house that is neither too big nor too small. I am able to say that I am one happy girl of 28. I have no boyfriend at the moment as I do not yet see the need to have one. Yes, I am happy with my life. And thinking about happiness makes me go way back to my final year of school in dance class. It’s was dance, Mr Kai’s class. He once asked us about emotion in one of his classes and how we express emotion in a term of movement of dance.

It was Mr Kai who inspired me to become a dancer as I enjoyed every seconds of learning and practicing in his class. He opened so many doors to other new worlds and experiences. He had showed me the path to becoming a dancer as I am today. I remember one day when he shows us a song and asked all of us to think about emotions that we get from the music that we heard, how we express the emotions with the talk of our body, dance in a spontaneous. The class buzzed with excitement as all of us began to discuss with our friends, well not everyone that is, except me. I was a loner at high school and I guess I choose to be a loner back then and till now I am still a loner and I love every moment of it.

‘I give you an hour to think about it. I will choose ten luckiest people amongst all of you to perform the dance in front. I hope all of you can impress me with your move.’ Even though his expression when give us instruction is kind of scary and strict, I just can’t turn my head against it. He just too handsome that my eyes can’t get off of him. He began by choosing the best dancer in our dance club, Taemin to start expressing the emotion of the song. As usual Taemin dance skill is very smooth and sharp. The song played and Taemin move his body and express the emotion of the song as loneliness and hurtful. After that is the person who sits next to me, Boyoung. Boyoung is a chubby girl with a small body. She looks cute and she also dances well. Maybe not as sharp as Taemin but she express the song pretty well with the emotion of scared and painful. Next is a chinese-korean tall guy, Kris who expresses the emotion of disappointment and hurtful. Kris dance in his own way and he got compliment from Mr Kai. I hide my face like I always did and did not even give Mr Kai any signs that I want to present my dance.

Out of the blue, Mr Kai turned his handsome pretty face towards me. I could not but drown in the mesmerizing dark choc eyes behind Mr Kai spectacle. He asked me to perform the dancing in front. I was nervous because performing in front of others was never ever my forte and I freeze in my own seat. Mr Kai gives me an encouragement smile and I drew in my breath. I stuttered at the beginning but finally I managed to start my move and continue my dance. I express my dance movement in the emotion of happiness. I want to show them that the song is actually tells us to be happy and cheerful. The slow melody of the song doesn’t mean that it show the painful, hurtful emotion. I want to show them the different of me, my move. Truly, I got the emotion of happiness not because of the song. I mean, yes it must base on the song Mr Kai gave us. It just happens that way. I just can’t control myself. When I stare at those pretty eyes I just can’t make myself but happiness. I wish I can drown myself in the eyes of Mr Kai. The one I love. Forever.

The class was silent and I could feel my heart beating very fast after that. To my surprise, they really loved my dance. The body move I made based on the song, the emotion of the song. They said that they would never have known that I was actually can dance pretty well and I can express the song in a very romantic and peaceful way. I blushed and it was a shock to me as I had never ever blushed in front of anyone at school. I had no friends and I was all the time by myself.

‘You did well. The move that you show us is wonderful. If you keep it up, you can be a dancer in the future I tell you.’  Mr Kai too praised me for having such a wonderful way of thinking of the emotion of the song with the concept of happiness. The dance class continue until the tenth person finish the dance. You know what; actually the song given by Mr Kai is the song that has a slow melody and low note. People will probably think that the song is a sad, hurtful song.  The compliment that Mr Kai gave me really made my day. Made me the happiest person in this planet call earth. Yeah, the feeling of happiness that I never had before.

After that incident, I began seriously thinking about the dance I made in the dance class, the compliment that I get from Mr Kai and the look of his eyes that give me strength and happiness to live my life and dance. I did feel so much happiness when I stared into Mr Kai’s eyes. I also thought to myself that I had fallen in love with my dance teacher, Mr Kai. He was one of the nicest human beings who treat me with respect and he always acknowledged my existence and anything that I did. He was my strengths and he was the person whom I loved and respected too. I decided during the few last months of school that I would never let him go away from my life. I vowed that I wanted to drown myself in his eyes for the rest of my life as that was the happiness that I wanted.

Today I do not to worry about finding my happiness because Mr Kai is with me. I cannot wish for anything else as everything that I need is with me. I can drown myself in his beautiful eyes every day and feel as if I own the whole wide world. I have been keeping his frozen head in my refrigerator for nearly 10 years now. I will make sure that I will look into his eyes when I wake up in the morning, before going out to work, after coming back from work and before I slept at night. I will make sure that I dance with him every day while hearing our song. The song that gave me happiness. The song that made me realizes that Mr Kai is everything to me. The source of happiness. I love you very much Mr Kai. You are my happiness. Let me drown in those eyes.

You, yes YOU who read this please keep this as a secret. Shuutttt…. Let me live my life with my baby boy, my love, my happiness, Kim Jongin. Mr KAI.