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>>Author's note<<

Well hello there :3, I've been playing with this idea for a while and now that I had a break from some stuff I mange to put the idea down and it came like this :3

I hope you guys like it, I think is by far my favorite one shot I've write and I recomend you to listen to Pentatonix cover of the song "Say something" :3

 

Enjoy :3

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Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one if you want me to

Anywhere, I would have followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

If I could take my heart out of my chest, hold it in my hand, I guess I could point where it hurts, I feel like maybe this way people could understand it.

Maybe that way, I could also bring myself to heal the wound, to clean it and to cure it, I would be able to look at the wound and maybe with my tears it would closed, and I would be able to stop crying.

I would be able to stop loving her.

I would be able to stop hurting myself.

And the most important thing was that maybe I would be able to stop hurting her.

“Girls, come on” I pushed Yuri out of the bathroom where she was admiring herself

“We have to be ready in less than 10…Yoona!” I heard her yell and I knew we needed to be quick

I pull Jessica and Yuri with me, I ignore their whining and nagging about how I should just mind my own business.

What they didn’t know is that I was taking care of it, because seeing her stress out was my business, helping her so she didn’t have to stress was my business.

She was my business

“We’re ready” I announce to her after she shove a laughing Hyoyeon out of the door

“Oh…thanks” Her tired eyes twinkle at me and even when she just gave me a small smile I knew it meant a lot to her

And at that moment I didn’t care.

I didn’t need to hear her say how much it meant to her.

At that moment just knowing it made me happy.

I push myself up from the bed, I feel the sheets slipping over my skin, I feel like I had felt so much and at the same time I was emotionally drained.

This irony was something I had dread for so long, it was a thing I have heard from friends, from adults when I was young, and it wasn’t until I found an actual word that describe it that I understood it was an actual feeling.

Charmolypi

I don’t know how I reach to my bag, but there I was, kneeling, looking at my reflection on my makeup mirror.

A mixed feeling of happiness while being sad; regret and repentance of past wrongs that simultaneously fill us with hope and the light of forgiveness.

Charmolypi

I put the mirror back on my bag and then I stand up, I could hear my heart beating slowly inside me, my breathing. Then I heard the bed creaking, I heard a body moving in the bed, patting the side next to it.

I heard her moving to sit on the bed, I heard her groan.

I heard her calling me.

“Fany…what’s wrong?”

I haven’t felt how cold it was until I felt hot tears rolling down my face, it wasn’t until I wrapped my arms around me that I understood how cold I felt.

Inside and out.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

And I…

Am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

I felt how my body ached when I saw her arms wrapping herself; I felt how my brain yelled at the sight of her standing so close, a few steps away from the bed, yet so far from me.

I felt how my heart twitch and I knew I had lost another piece of it, I knew this time was a big one, just like I knew this time it wouldn’t be another turning back.

This time I had gone too far.

This time I had been the one who break that piece of heart and throw it away.

I had hurt her and by that I had hurt me.

“Isn’t he just the most perfect thing you have seen?” Hyoyeon’s thought made everyone blush but me

“He is not my type…guys are not my type”

I looked down after I didn’t hear any reply to my mouth slipped, I start feeling dizzy, how could I been so stupid to let my own fool heart thought it was okay to say those things.

“Taeng…do you mean it?” I closed my eyes when I heard Jessica’s voice

It wasn’t planned, it just slipped my mouth, it was just too much listening how everyone was talking freely about the hot dancer that was now practicing to be a backup for the elder group, the jealousy and the envy made me push the thought and before I knew it those words slipped and the moment I felt eight pair of eyes on me I knew I had messed up things.

“Taetae…is okay” her voice made me look up

And then I feel eight pair of arms hugging me, and for a second I lost my mind, because I have been always thought that people will left me behind, they would feel disgust so I never thought saying it out loud, I would save them their disgust and discomfort.

And in that second I found myself selfishly praying to feel this accepted and loved by everyone.

I was raised in a small town, most of the people knew each other, I was the middle child of a working family and somehow I’ve learned to be independent from a young age, saying that being the middle child doesn’t really affects nothing is crap, because it does, it makes you quiet and it makes you selfless, because your younger sibling still needs your parents more than you do and your older sibling perhaps still needs them too.

But I’ve come to realized that when it came to love, I was selfish, I want everything and I wasn’t really thinking on giving back, I have done many things wrong,  but the worst things that haunt me where the ones that I haven’t done.

Being what she want and deserve, was on the top of the list.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

And I…

Will stumble and fall

I’m still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

“Fany?”

“We need to talk Taetae”

I didn’t put much attention on how the girls would rolled their eyes at me calling her Taetae, on how they would tease about how clingy I was and how this was the reason why she haven’t date someone, on how some of them had a question mark on the corner of their lips. I guess they knew I had an answer mark on the corner of my own lips too.

That answer was composed by two words: love and fear.

Being fear the powerful one, I had grown in a quite liberal place that collapsed with a house of not so liberal thoughts, I was raised to fear God but it come a time where I understood that it wasn’t floating my boat. I push myself away from HIM for a while, I push everything to the back of my head, then I lost her and then I made a big decision to leave everything else behind.

I begin to pray again, whenever I felt too scared or felt like I wasn’t going to make it, I would pray, and yet in another irony I begin to fear again, because I have started feeling something I wasn’t supposed to be aloud, and this fear cause more damage than goodness to be honest.

I found the answers to my prayers, one rainy day.

I found that God wasn’t fear. God was love.

I found her.

“ahhhhh” I laugh at Jessica screaming while getting wet under the heavy rain

“Come on!” Sooyoung yelled at us while taking the lead

I smile at how everyone was running, how everyone seemed so scared of getting cold, I guess I should be scared too but I was enjoying this.

I enjoy being able to let everything out while still smiling, without anyone noticing.

But someone did, because before I could try to move to reach for them I feel a warm hand wrapping around mine, then pulling me to run, and I did, I run next to her and I forgot about crying.

I never question her, I never thought or what were her reasons to do this, if it was because she felt somehow responsible of me or if it was because she knew how sad I was on the inside. I never asked for an explanation.

“Here” I took the cup of tea she was giving me

“I’m okay” I took a small sip from the cup and felt warmness spreading on my cheeks

“I know” her voice was filled with so much emotions yet her face was filled with concern

I continue drinking when her voice echoed the room.

“Aren’t we always okay?”

“Taetae” I titled my head at her

I start feeling something at the pit of my stomach, her eyes were looking at me but I felt like they were looking deeper, her tone was low but it rattled my insides, I expect that this time she would say it, I hope and expect so much that when she turn away I felt devastation.

“Sleep…I will feel really bad if you get sick”

“Stop acting like this please…I can’t t-take it…p-please” I startled myself when the tears start to flow freely at the sight of her back

“W-what?”

“Stop acting like you care more than you should…is not fair…because I think you do and then you always go…you always leave without saying what I think you want to say…that by now I’m sure is what I WANT you to think you want to say” I clean my face rather harshly after I had put the cup of tea on the bedside table

The devastation I felt that night wasn’t even close to the catharsis of the next event.

I see her turn on her heels and before I could clean my face again, she smash her lips on mine, she had took place on the edge of the bed, with a leg on each side of mine, her hands were on my cheek and shoulder, I held her by the waist awkwardly.

I should have known how this would end.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Mmmm…

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Oh, no…

Anywhere I would have followed you

Oh…

Say something, I’m giving up on you

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

“We need to talk Taetae”

Five words and my lungs collapsed, five words and my entire mind went blank, five words and I felt a catharsis beginning.

I never really enjoy talking, talking involved using words, words that would have to describe in one way or another how I felt, and even when I have been trained to be able to have a nice conversation, a skill to use in order to gain appearance on talk shows, I didn’t want to use those skills on the people I love.

I felt the bed sinking on her side as she sat next to me, I was still looking at the spot she had been a few minutes ago when her hand was placed over my cheek, my body reacted by itself leaning onto the warmness.

Someone as cold as me, as some people have referred to me in the past, will look for warm, and after all these years I have to come to accept that it was true because I will always look for her, no matter the place or the hour, the moment her skin was near mine, the moment I felt her warm presence I would just lean towards her.

“I don’t like talking”

I exhale as I leaned, once again towards her, I kiss her and she kissed me back, I grabbed the back of her neck and I pulled her closer to me just as she tangled her fingers on my hair, I push her onto the bed and I cover her with my body, I still pulled the sheets over us because it was cold.

Even when I was being selfish I was still selfless. Because I didn’t want to talk but I didn’t want to her catch a cold either.

The moment my lips leave hers, I felt her gasp under my ministrations to her neck, I knew what to kiss, what to , what to nibble and what to in order to make her lose all control, to make her scream my name out of pleasure and love.

“That’s the problem” her voice made me stopped

I push myself on my elbows to see her, her hands untangled from my hair and reached my face, her eyes were fill with tears and her lips twitch and I knew I have screw things again.

“I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry too”

And with that the places were changed, she roll me over her and pinned me against the mattress, she was more calm and more methodic when it come to me, she will always look for the details. How I would whimper, what make me moan louder, how I will scrunch my nose.

That was the way she knew about how I felt.

I have been suspicious she has known how I felt even before I knew, but for some reason I don’t mind.

Not when it comes to her.

I put another bottle of water on the portable table, I count one more time all the different brands of snacks I’ve bought and I rearranged them on order.

“Can you please stop for a second? You look like a maniac” I ignore my best friend who was standing on the other side of the bed

“Taeng…is not like she can’t move at all”

I clenched my teeth when she said that, it felt like she was diminishing the pain Fany felt, like hurting her knee wasn’t anything serious, I looked up for the first time since she arrived and I let her see that she had crossed the line.

“Hey…don’t give me that look…I’m not saying she is not hurt…I’m saying you need to push your together because we have to continue doing this, we have some events and awards to attend…we need you on your right mind…you’re the goddamn leader” Her voice was quite normal but her eyes were flaming

I looked down letting her know I was sorry and she just sigh, I was about to say something when I notice two shadows on the doorframe, my eyes follow them and there she was.

“Uh…sorry for interrupting but I think someone needs to rest” Yoona seem quite awkward and I knew they had heard Sunny and I.

Yoona help her reached the bed and then kissed the top of her head, whispering something about winning the award for her and how she would buy snacks to share later. She left and Sunny follow next after she got a hug and a kiss on the cheek for being such a wonderful friend and taking care of me.

We were now alone.

“I miss you” those words created explosions on my chest

But all I did was to kneel on the floor next to her bed and hold her hand, I kiss every knuckle and I kiss her wrist and palm, I end kissing her entire arm until I reach her shoulder, then her neck, then her face and finally her lips.

 I wanted to say “I miss you too” but I never did.

I never say what I want to say

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

And I…

Will swallow my pride

You’re the one that I love

And I’m saying goodbye

Whoa oh oh

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

I inhale and exhale softly while feeling the weight of the world over my eyelids, I felt how even breathing was hard, all the stress from the past month about the tour, about us, all the practice and all the nights I couldn’t sleep properly were now getting to me.

All of this disappeared when I felt a soft kiss on my collarbone, I looked down and saw her looking at me, she was lying on top of me, her head snuggle under my chin and her left hand tangle in mine, her right hand over my shoulder while her thumb was making circles in my neck.

“I’m tired”

My voice was husky and dry, nothing compare to the sweet and loud voice I would use when we were in front of other people. It wasn’t like I was faking, I was loud and cheerful but there were times where I just want to crawl to my bed and never leave, times when I would cry myself to sleep, times where I would pray to be able to get out of bed.

Times where I would just curl myself against her body, letting her breathing calm.

There wasn’t a verbal reply, just some adjustments on our position, I end on my side snuggling onto her, she was on her side too, her lips were inches above mine, her nose poking my bridge, her hands rubbing my back and neck, her legs tangling with mine while my hands rested on her stomach and waist.

“We are always tired…don’t we?”

I closed my eyes holding my tears.

I closed the door behind me and I start to throw everything to my bed, I was tired and I angry.

At myself for having to do this, and her for not even showing signs that she cared, I never want to do it but I have to, because it was our career on line.

The future I had planned with her was on the verge of dying.

Pretending was part of the job, pretending to be perfect, to be okay, and to be what they want us to be. Pretending to be “normal”, in a world where normal was just a fake paradise create by narrow minded people who were afraid of what they couldn’t understand.

So I knew she understood, I had to do it.

My door creaked and I cursed out loud when I realized I hadn’t put the lock, I my heels expecting her glaring at me, looking at me hurt and disappointed, but I frown when I saw the youngest of us looking at me with concern.

“What’s wrong?” I looked down trying to hold my tears of anger

I wasn’t tired. I was angry.

“I-I’m sorry you had to do this…I know I never say anything because I’m still a bit…awkward with the subject…I just…can you please…uh” I had to smile at the sight of her fidgeting

So wise and smart yet so shy, expressing yourself is hard and we had always been patient, isn’t actually that what made both of you so close.

She knows how it feels.

“Juhyun…what’s wrong?”

“Just because we don’t allow ourselves to express emotions…it doesn’t make us cold. Because I do believe and action worth more than words, because I believe that love can change us, it has changed me…don’t leave her please” I took notice of how hard it was to her open the wound about her past relationship

“Juhyun…I’m not leaving her, we had a fight…well I yelled and she just stood there, just like she always does” I walked towards her and patted her arm

I know you haven’t changed, you blossom. But I’ve seen her blossom and still she is not willing to do the only thing I have asked her over and over.

She doesn’t talk to me.

“Actions worth more than words indeed…but sweetheart, silence is an action” I see her eyes pleading at me

I think I know what would be the words that were about to come out of , but I’ve repeated them so much on my head that sometimes I believe I had fabricated them.

You love each other.

That would be those words she was about to mouth, If it wasn’t for the knock at my door she had say them, maybe.

“Fany”

“Hmmm”

A soft peck on both of my eyes and a longer kiss over my lips, followed by a pair of arms wrapping around me, protecting me from everything but the source of my pain.

Those arms couldn’t protect me from the imminent silence.

Her own silence

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something

Say something

Say something…

I’ll be the one if you want me to

Whoa oh oh

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

I have tried praying, I have tried kneeling down and pray. Pray for her was easy, pray for my love ones was easy. But when it came to pray for myself, for be better, for be what she needed, I would just stop. I have pray for being able to express what I felt, to be able to convey what my heart was feeling with words.

I sometimes wonder if I didn’t pray enough.

Then I wonder, what is enough?

I watched how she pulled me closer to her, like it shouldn’t be any space between us, I convey letting her scratch my back, I convey by letting her tangled our legs even more, I convey by letting her breath my same air.

I convey so much without actually say something.

Words seem useless to me.

But at the same time, words were I crave for.

Words for her

I saw her eyes fell a bit before Juhyun leaned and hugged her tight, she then look at me and whisper words I wasn’t expecting to hear from her.

From everyone, yes. From her, no.

“Say something please”

I closed the door after Juhyun dashed out of the room and put the lock, it wasn’t like someone would come over, they knew we need our time. We needed to be alone.

We needed this.

“Did he…” I try to talk but my throat close and my hands raged until they become fists

“No…it was just letting them take some pictures…you know the drill…you have done the drill” Her words echoed on my brain and I wish I could yelled how much this hurt me

Instead what I did was bite my lower lip, and dig my nails on my palms.

“I would never let him kiss me…the only time there were other lips was on the stage at the musical and you know that wasn’t even a kiss”

“What’s a kiss anyway?” I exhale anger while my bitterness took the best of me, spiting those words

“Is a lot…and it can be nothing…you say what it is” I feel my lungs failing when I feel her warm body in front of me

“Words are useless”

“So do are actions if you can’t say the reason behind them”

I wanted to scream that I hate how I had to stay at home and think of her dating someone else just for our sake, how much I had think of each kiss and place I had been with her, how I had recount her eyelashes by memory, how I had punch the closet door of the hotel when I heard our manager tell her she needed to do it.

How I had felt so insignificant when she had say she will do it for my sake.

Not for us.

For me.

Because I was her everything, and she was willing to do this to protect me.

I didn’t notice I was crying until I felt her fingers cleaning my face, her eyes were teary too, and then I say it. For the first time in all these years I did.

For her.

“I love you too much and it hurts me…because there will be a day when my actions won’t be good enough”

“Taetae…that day will be the same day that my words won’t be good enough too”

“I love you Taeyeon”

“I love you too Stephanie”

How much time had passed was the least of my concerns, I was sure it was daylight again but I couldn’t care less, nothing else care when she was near me.

I felt my eyelids closing and before I submit myself to it I heard her voice, filling my ears.

“Why did you do it?”

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something

Say something

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one if you want me to

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

I regret my words the second I heard them echoing in my brain, she move a bit and I let her go, she sat on the edge of the bed, I saw her leaning forward and grabbing her sweater from the floor, she put it on and then leaned onto the headboard, she looked to the front and I felt how my heart start to bleed again, because I recognize that look, I had hurt her, but I was awake again and my curiosity took the best of me, once again, my words had hurt her, just as much as her silence hurt me.

“Please…why did you do it?” I plead her and I knew I had threw my pride a long time ago

I dare myself to sit on the bed too, facing her, don’t letting her have a chance to escape, because this time there wasn’t an escape.

Because I had enough of her escaping from me

I look at my cell phone and then to TV screen, it was our free night and I had promised to Sooyoung we will watch and The City, but my mind was in other place.

Things were quite rough between us lately, my nerves were at the verge of collapsing and she was again hiding behind a thick brick wall, and this time she didn’t seem like wanting to let me in.

I heard Jessica laugh while Juhyun was saying how this show was too much and that it wasn’t as good as she expected, Sooyoung was still sitting there trying to understand what was going on while Yuri had lost interest a long time ago and was now sleeping on the floor.

“Carrie dear, a toy would be less complicated and it would actually satisfy you”

I heard Jessica laugh once again follow by Sooyoung when she understood what was going on.

I smile feeling guilty again for not being able to get the Korean subtitles for this episode.

And then just went Carrie meets with Mr. Big in another yet so common way, my phone lit up showing me a message display with the code name I had choose for her.

Erik A.

I took my time to pushed every sound away, I put myself on a bubble and when I was sure I was ready I open the message, I read it carefully, I let every word linger on my brain, I rolled each letter on my tongue while whispering them.

“Fany?” I looked up when I feel a hand on my knee

“Uh?” I realized there were 3 pairs of scared eyes looking at me

“What’s wrong?” Yuri come closer while Sooyoung just start to rub my back

“What did she say?” Jessica took my hand

“I…I need air” I smile softly at them

I stood up and leave them, I leave my cell phone behind, I just took my jacket, a hat and sunglasses, I leave them there while I just walked to a unknown place.

I’ve heard that people could actually die from a broken heart, it was called stress cardiomyopathy.

But I knew that if this was indeed true then I would have died a long time ago.

Things were rough between us, and I knew in part was my fault, I had push her to an extreme and this was my punishment, I had been too clingy, I had been too loud, too noisy.

I had been too Tiffany and not too much Stephanie.

I stop walking to only see a lonely street in front of me, I looked around, I notice a small convenience store, after I check my jacket for my wallet I made my way over there, I took my time at each aisle, I took some snacks and then I deliberately took the amount of alcohol I thought would make me feel numb.

The old lady at the other side of the counter give me a bad look so I pretend to text someone, then I smile to her and tell her my friends were having a party and they had ask me to bought more alcohol.

If she believed me or not, she at least stopped judging me, I pay then I made my way back.

I knew there would be questions but I didn’t have answers.

Not this time.

And the only person that had them wasn’t going to say them out loud.

She never say something out loud.

“Remember what you say…the first time I said I love you?” Her voice made me shiver

I leaned over the edge and took my jacket from the floor, along with my , I got dressed, secretly finding amusing how she would still blush at the sight of me .

I sit again facing her.

“I do”

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll the be the one if you want me to

Say, say something, I’m giving up on you

(say something, I’m giving…)

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

There were times when I have thought I’ve screw things, there were times when I blame everyone but me, times when I had the blame and everyone else was a saint.

Then there were the times when I was enough, when I was her everything, when I was what she needed, what she wanted.

What she deserve.

I still don’t know what happen, I’ve done so good work on being better then, it all collapsed and I still don’t know why, I just shut myself down, I put up all my walls, I know it was my fault.

It was my fault because I was selfish.

I’m still selfish asking her to come and just spend time with me.

I’m selfish because I knew this will be it.

And I wanted to be the best.

I sigh after closing the door behind me, I heard mumbling and then silence, I made my way towards the living room, they were there, looking at me with a mix of concern, anger and fear.

Jessica was the only one who wasn’t even looking at me, she stood up and walked towards me, she put her finger on my chest.

“You little piece of-“

“Jessica” Sunny stood up too and then the youngest ones present, Juhyun and Sooyoung, got up and pretty much went to their rooms

Yuri, Hyoyeon, Sunny were on the living room. Jessica pushed me aside and then took her keys.

“I don’t know what you did or why she has been okay with this charade of “doing your best” when it’s obvious you haven’t change nor are planning to do it…say something to defend yourself for once Taeyeon!” Jessica’s voice made me cringe and she just scoffed at me

“Coward”

She slamming the door was the drop that spilled the water, Sunny got up followed by Hyoyeon, they shook their heads and then leave too grabbing Hyo’s keys.

Yuri was the only one still standing there.

“Whatever that you have done or say or…just stop…you need to stop…is not fair”

And with that she went to her room.

I made my way towards her room, I knock but there wasn’t a reply, I knock again and this time I heard a faint “go away”.

I try opening the door but it was locked.

“Fany”

I heard rustling noises and then the door got open, I was ready to be slap, to be yell at, to just be hit and push but what come next hurt me more than all those things.

“Taeyeon…please…just go…please”

“Taeyeon?” I feel how my heart broke in tiny pieces at that name

“Yes…just Taeyeon” and then she closed the door on my face

I sit on the floor with my back to the wall, I was trying to breathe because suddenly I had realized I had lost everything, I had bet on the best thing of my life and I had lost the bet.

My heart was a bleeding puzzle on the floor, the moment my ears caught the faint cries, I swear I felt how dying should feel

“Did you tell him you were here?” the mere mention of “him” made me angry

“Yeah…he is with someone else too at this moment”

“We are a façade, aren’t we?”

“We are what we want” She shift on her position but she never stop looking at me

“That’s bull and you know it”

“No…the thing is I don’t know anything…why did you do it?”

I closed my eyes and looked away feeling the tears burning my eyes, I had fear this question but I knew she deserve the truth.

She deserve better than me.

“Taetae…why?” her hands made me turn to see her and I couldn’t stop my eyes from open

Her sweet face had changed, she wasn’t the girl I met trying to become an idol, she was a woman who had been shattered too many times before.

She was everything I want.

She was everything I couldn’t have.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Oh whoa…

(…up on you, whoa I’ll…)

(I’ll be the one if you want me to)

If you want me to, oh, if you want me to

(whoa oh oh)

Anywhere, I would have followed you

Whoa…

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

From the start they knew they will had to overcome many obstacles, their kind of love wasn’t easy, it wasn’t well seen and on top of that they were aware they will had to also pass her own fears.

Love sometimes is not enough, because at the end of the day what is love but a conjunction of things, actions and words, promises and kisses, touch and senses, emotions and feelings, giving and taking, taking and never giving.

And even when love was so tangled as the most intricate spider web, it was so fragile.

A word, a sentence, could break it.

A text could break it.

“Fany…we need to talk…I know you’ve been feeling bad for having to lie to everybody, to have to spend time with him in order for people to not suspect us, I know you blame yourself for me being cold and just like I was before, I know you have push yourself a bit, trying not to be too clingy and loud…but is not you...is me…

Fany…I cheat on you”

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something (say something)

Say something (say something)

Say something (say something)

Ah, oh…

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

“Taetae…why?” her hands made me turn to see her and I couldn’t stop my eyes from open

I pulled her closer to me, I dread this moment but I couldn’t do anything else to stop it, it had passed 3 months since it happened and I was still trying to mend the damage I’ve made, I have been trying to gain everyone’s trust, but most important, I’ve been trying to gain her trust.

“I was angry…I was tired and angry that everyone would be so happy for you, to hear your sister say you were lucky to be with him…and you were so stress and even when you thought you were giving me attention you were actually just pretending to do it, your mind was always in other place and the things is that’s not why I did it…I did it because I wanted more and I felt like she could give me more…but she wasn’t you, she didn’t smile or laugh like you, she didn’t ask me about my day, she didn’t kiss me goodbye every time we part our ways…she wasn’t you”

I dare too leaned forward and I rest my forehead on hers.

“And there hasn’t been a day I hadn’t regret it…because for a moment of bliss I lost the most beautiful and awesome person I’ve could ever met and love…and now I understand why words are so important, I understand why sometimes actions are not enough…but you see…your words still need actions Fany…because I’ve lost my family because I stood proud when I told them about us, and you promised me you would tell your family and you never did…actions and words need to go along”

She closed her eyes and I did the same.

We were alone on the dorm, we were alone and so close yet these past months we were so far away.

I have done so many things wrong.

But loving her was the only thing right I have done.

I feel now what she had felt all this time when she would pour her heart out to me and I would just be there in silence, I want to scream at her that I was sorry and that I knew I didn’t deserve her, that I knew that what I had done was so ed up and that I had learned my lesson, I want to be selfish and ask her to take me back, but all I did was took her place this time.

“Please…say something” I plead at her

“Taetae”

“Yes Fany”

“You will always be in my heart, you will always be my taetae…I had nothing but love for you and I’m grateful for everything you gave me and for everything I gave you…Taetae…the day has come”

“No” I start shocking my head and she just pulled me closer to her

“I thought there will be a day where your actions wouldn’t be enough and my words wouldn’t be enough…but I was wrong”

“Fany, please” I was crying now

“The day we dread so much is this…when your words are not enough and my actions are not enough”

“I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry too”

I hugged her as tight as I could, because I knew this was it.

This was the day I had lost everything.

This was that day my words weren’t enough.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

There were two girls sitting on a couch, hugging each other.

“Taetae…we will be together forever right?”

“Of course…I won’t ever leave you”

“Taetae”

“Hmm”

“If we don’t end together…please do remember I love you more than what I love myself please”

“Okay…only as long as you remember that I feel the same…Fany”

“Hmm”

“If we ever give up…promise me you would be with me one last time”

“I promise”

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Oh whoa…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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