I still remember clearly how it was that night. Our first time together. It started when L keep coming into sungyeol's room where he were. They sure make noise. Much noise till he decide to sleep in my room which I didn't mind. It became a habit and eventually he starts slept with me. At first it was normal and we were just fine. We were sleeping. But that day, I don't know what was going on my mind but i found that he looked so hot with his wifebeater and his glasses. I tried to not looking at him but he keep talking to me and there I am, looking all dumbfounded and just stare at him. I didn't know nor remember who started first but we kissed that night. Sure it is one of the best kiss I've ever had. When it end, both of us didn't know what to say so we just sleep and pretend nothing happened.

The other night, we started to take more progress. We kissed, we hugged, sleep in each other's arm. But none of us say anything about this. Did I like him? Did he like me? I was too scared to know all the answers so I let it go. Sharing all those things sure made me change a bit. I took my eyes on him, paying attention about what he did. I don't know if he did the same thing or not but I guess I was too afraid to know.

So finally it happened. Our first , which is so damn great, about 3 months after our first kiss. Doing it with a boy is definitely my first time and hell it feel so good and he is just so ing perfect. As you may know, it lead to others nights and , which were fantastic. Then I kept thinking to myself. To where it will go. How far and how long we will keep doing this. It is a lie if I said I don't like him and it just a bussiness. It is a total lie if i have not growing a feeling for him. The sense of belonging, a wish to make him mine and only, to make him just look at me. It not just about the , unconditionally we start to pay attention to each other, we start to doing stuff together and we came bestfriend.... Or maybe I just being delucional of us being together. Despite yes I want us to be together.

It was our second dorm and we shared a room together. There were a project for both of us too called infinite H. Things going so well and I like it. Sometimes I want to tell him how much I love him between his sleep, whisper in his ear how much I thank him for being here with me. Don't call me a coward, yes I did told him I love him, I whispered in his ear.... of course when he sleep (dude he looks so ing gorgeous even when he sleep). What scare me the most, the reason why I couldn't told him was what if it just a casual relationship where both of us benefited from it? Surely it would hurt me and who's on earth want to get hurt?

Our third year together and he became more popular, among idols, both woman and man, and among our fans. Yeah, who can resist him anyway. Seeing him close either with, you know his partner on his drama (both the boy and the girl) definitely painful, but what can I do? Nothing. Both of them are hot and everything could happen and he could get attracted and else. So I just support him, showing my enthuciasm and hope he won't forget me. Not literally forget, you know what I mean, right?

Of course there were also hard times. Mostly when I couldn't read him or he is busy with himself and left me alone. But once again, what can I do? So there I am, angry at myself. To be honest, looking Woohyun and Sunggyu hyung being up and down in their relationship is make me jealous, tho sometimes they fight so hard, still they are legit. They love each other, they KNOW they love each other. Can you see the difference now?

So here I am, in our fourth year together. We not share a room anymore but still our room is next to each other. Sometime I sleep at his or either way. His room is full of his scent. I like to sleep there, it comfort me and make me feel warm. There also times when we just sleep in our own room. Either too tired or just yeah.. want to be alone and doing things. We take it easy. Or too easy maybe.

Sometimes I found myself jealous when I see him too touchy or his gaze is too flirting to someone else. I don't want to say who is s/he since it upset me much. Living with him for four years absolutely take me to a level of knowing his feeling towards other by his gaze. But still, I cant read his feeling toward me. Ironic, isn't it?

Do I ever feel like he was jealous over me? Yes.. Sometimes. There are times when I think he is jealous because I was with someone else or doing something with others. He changed. He didn't talk to me with his witty word, he stay quiet or just ignore me and play with other members. Still, there is no valid proof of my idea. There are many possibilities why he did that and I can't listed it one by one.

Fans tend to think that we are real. How I wish dear my beloved people. Sometimes we did some fans service but sometimes it just us being us. Maybe some of you noticed it and post it on SNS. I do check and found myself giggling to the picture of us and thinking "Ah.. so this is how we looked from there". Oh.. of course he know about this too. He also aware with this couple thingy and yet both of us never take it to higher level conversation about what kind of relationship it is truthfully.

Oh.. there he is. He is coming....