Walking her to her house, holding hands together, we were all this lovey dovey. We do not say a word, just enjoying the silence filled in the air. Here we are at her front door. She took the stairs on, turning around, still not letting go my hand. The way she turned around was beautiful with her flawless brownish long hair. Her smiles never failed lightening my mood. 

“Goodnight.” I smiled at her, still having her hand in mine. She leans down, pressing her lips on mine. We were both satisfied at this.

“Goodnight.” She replied with a bitter smile.

Whenever we left each other, she would give me that smile. I know that she never wanted to leave me a second. I had thought of moving in together but still I was afraid to make a move. Finding myself walking back home, I did think a lot about us when I was alone, thinking if we do have a future since I was moving to another country for work soon.

This love was always a cruel one. Not that we cheated on each other, it was that I could not commit anything to her even I knew she wanted it so bad. There was a saying: Find someone who loves you more than you love him/her rather than doing the opposite. I did. I found one, Kwon Sohyun. She treated me as the pearl in the shell, precious. What about me? I was always calm to her, like that I did not want this relationship. But no, I wanted this relationship, only that she gave me too much that I cannot handle. We texted every day before. I could even feel how much she loved me or missed me through the text, not to even mention about calls. Sometimes I was suffocated by that feeling. It should be sweet but somehow I felt like not breathing at all. She enjoyed spending time at my place, just being around me when I was working at home. The back hug she gave me while I was working should be a booster to me; however, I was acting like a jerk again.

“Sohyun ah, I need to work.” I untied her arms around my waist but she insisted not to let go.

“I won’t make a sound, just lemme hold you like this.” She rested her head on my shoulder. I sighed, trying to focus on my work, writing a novel. But I really could not focus with someone around me.

“Sohyun ah…” I tried to be nice, I swear to god, I tried.

“I really can’t focus.” I gave up, turning to face her. She still looked so relaxed, grinning at me with her typical eye-smiles. I loved that smile.

“Sohyun, go watch some TV, I’ll get it done as soon as possible okay?” Again, I tried my best to hold my frustration and anger.

All she did was tightening her grip, even sitting on my laps. To be honest, I could not take this. All I needed was just a moment of privacy so that I could finish the work and I would be able to hang out with her. Why was it so hard? Start to peck kisses on my face and lips, she smiled into kisses.

“Your work can’t wait for a second?” Soon, she attacked my neck but I pushed her off.

“Enough…Sohyun, I’m serious. I need to get this done. Can’t you leave me for one second?!” I raised my voice. I knew she wanted me after a few days of departure cause of work. From her face, I knew I hurt her again. She slowly got off me, leaving me at the corner of the living room. There she was, feeling hurt.

However, things could be damn various as we could be fighting at that moment, and we could be that sweet together in the next moment. This was how we worked together. Basically, it was how she worked hard for this relationship. I took advantages of her, well, at least I think I did. Sometimes it was too obvious for me to know when she wanted me. It was too easy to get her. Never did I deny that I was a jerk. In fact, I admitted it to her, hoping that this would knock her head hard enough to wake up from this tragedy. I did not know why I would do this. I mean I could probably just play with her heart, I did not know why I cared. She was too good to be mine and I was too bad to have this girl. I pushed her to someone else. I always knew that there are a few people trying to get her. Not knowing where I got such guts that I knew she would not leave me anyway, I pushed her to someone. Even it might ruin our relationship, I still did that. And to her, she would do anything for me. She would even date someone if I asked her to do so.

That night, we had dinner at her place. TV was playing some lousy comedy show, and we did not watch, instead just kept the TV switching on because I did not like silence filling the house. Frowns, nervousness, anxiety are all written on her face. All I saw was that she was trying to stay calm. The harder she was trying, the more obvious it was. She was playing with her food instead of enjoying. However, I tended to stay silent even I knew she wanted me to ask. No way for her to fight against my silence and she broke it.

“The necklace…he gave me as a gift…” She started carefully, trying to get a hint from my reaction. Nothing was changed on my face, still wearing a pokerface while having my spaghetti. Here we were, silent again. The house was only filled with noise from the TV. Without taking a look at her, I knew she was still staring at me.

“Say something!” Her annoyed voice sounded cute to me that made me chuckle.

“What are you laughing for, Nam Jihyun?!” It was not difficult to understand the reason why she ranted at me. Slowly, I lifted my head up and looked at her, giving her a smirk.

“What do you want me to say? Throw it away, Sohyun?! Or stop seeing him?” My voice remained as calm as usual.

It hurt. I knew it hurt. It hurt me as well. Do you really think that I felt nothing about this? Still, my pride took over me since I knew what happened at the end: They wouldn’t get a chance anyway, so…why should I care much? It was like a two-sided of me fighting inside. She dropped her tableware, glaring at me with her teary eyes. It stabbed my heart, leaving holes on it when I saw her reddened eyes.

“So you had nothing to say about this?” Soon, her voice cracked. And me, still sat there, staring at her with my pokerface. I brought a piece of tissue to gently wipe my mouth.

“Go date him.” I said as I threw the tissue on the plate. Her tears fell, no, poured out. Trying hard to hold her tears back, she looked away, wiping off her tears.

“That’s what you want, huh? Okay.” She mumbled. I remained silent, kept my eyes on her.

“Okay. I’ll date him.” Standing up, placing her plate into the sink, she walked back to her room.

A minute passed, I gave myself a sarcastic laugh. How brilliant I was. How perfect this date was. And how nice me, this girlfriend was. Yes. This was not something normal relationship at the beginning. As it started, we both agreed on a rule. We ought to date someone else if we found someone we wanted. I finished washing the dishes. Grabbing my coat, I opened the door, hearing that she rushed out from her room. She stood there, behind me, not uttering a word.

“Enjoy your date.” I said without turning around. “I did it for you only! Can’t you see it?!” She burst into cries. “Just because you told me to do so.” Her voice was getting weaker.

“I know.” Sorry, Sohyun. I could not just keep you forever. I could not be selfish.

Everything I brought her was only pain. No matter how hurt she was, how painful she was, she would be still there. She was always there for me. How about me? I did not know either. Shouldn’t people feel touched and sweet when they receive love? How come I felt sweet but suffocated then soon it turned out as something that I wanted to run away from.

“Honey!” She was always delighted when she met me, hugging me tight, too tight that I could not breathe.

Was it about her hug or…my problem only? Why did it feel different? It changed or…I changed? I tried my best to smile, not faking it through. I did feel happy when she was around me, but at the same time, I felt pressured. Pressure came out nowhere, without a reason. Holding her hand, walking on the street, we had our normal date today.

“Look! Look at that phone case! They got the couple phone cases!” Seeing her pointing at the cases through the window, I chuckled at her. Sunlight shined on her hair and her skin, she was truly stunning. The way she smiled at me, was nowhere you could find. “Buy it to me, baby, pleaseee?” How could I resist her plead? She tugged my shirt like a kid, pleading to me.

“Baby…? Come on…” Once again, I chuckled at her, nodding as I agreed to buy the cases. We ended up bringing the floral pattern phone cases home even I did not like it.

Walking back home, somewhere near my place, I saw my relative and her family. In such situation, my brain could only think of running away since I did not want my relatives to know about my love life. Therefore, my hand flung Sohyun’s away naturally. Yes. I did that. When I realized that what I had done to my girlfriend, it was too late. Smiles were taken away. The girl was trying to hold back her tears again. There she was, feeling hurt, again.

If there was a poll for the worst jerk, it must be me. It gotta be me. Not only once have I hurt her, but many, too many that I could not even count. People said you had to sacrifice your time and your love in a relationship but then I was too dumb to do so. What I thought was that Sohyun was taking too much of my time. Maybe I did not love her as much as she did. Maybe I had changed. Maybe it was not right at the first place that we got together. It got me sigh at the phone screen when I saw her missed calls and texts.

“Sohyun ah, I want to take a break.” Finally I found myself having guts to spill it out. No response from the other side of the phone, I knew her heart sank.

“What…do you mean?” It could be my fault that I knew her too well. She tried to stay calm, even trying hard, it just did not work.

“I want a break from you.” Could not believe that I just state it again. My heart tightened when I heard her sobbing sounds. I hated it, I could not stand it. I wanted to hug her but why? I was the one who started it. Why did I care again?

“Why?” This was all she could stutter, stopping from her cries.

“Cause I want to…Just one month, I’ll be back.” All I heard was her endless sobbing voice. It killed me. Normally, her pleading killed me in a heaven way. But this also killed me, only that it was bringing me to hell.

“You promised you’ll be back?” She fixed her voice, asking me with her cracked throat. It took me a minute to answer.

“Yes…” My heart shut down when she hung up after saying ok. The last thing I heard was only her sobbing. No. It became a no soon. Within that month, we broke up. I broke up with her.

Here I am, sitting at the living room, staring at my phone again.

“One last time…Goodnight. Bye.”
01:14am 30 April 2013

It was my last message to her.

A year passed, I am still keeping our conversation in my phone. How have you been? Are you seeing someone? Why do I care now? Why do I care after I broke up with her? Why does my heart hurt when I heard that you had someone treating you good? Why do I want you now? Why do I figure that I love you just now?

The radio plays up the song Let Her Go.

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low

Only hate the road when you're missing home

Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

Staring at the phone screen, I laugh at myself. You did a great job, Jihyun. You are just great.