A Thousand Nights of Light

 

 

            Yoochun stared out the vast stretch of early night sky before him. There was still light but he wanted to be there. He was a light keeper in that place. He had the task of ensuring that mariners, fishermen and seafarers find their way safely back to shore.  He had been the light keeper for nearly five years now, and he had never lost one man.

           

            He let his eyes wander to the horizon, straining to see the end of the vast line of blue and black waters. Nothing could be seen at this time. All the vessels tend to disappear in the night. Boats, ships and other water vehicles would be lost because of the unending darkness. Fishermen found this very problematic. They have lights on their boats, but they still tend to be lost. Unless there was a light to guide them.

 

            That light was what Yoochun was providing them. He would be there around four thirty. It got easily dark in their place so he had to be there early. Yoochun adjusted the knobs and some dials he always used for the job. The light had to emit the brightest light so the men across the sea could see it easily. Yoochun never let his light fade; he was known to be very systematic in his job. The people in his town were very thankful for that.

 

After ensuring that he just did his job for that night, Yoochun went out to the little cubicle of the lighthouse. He held onto the railing and inhaled the now cold night air. Yes, he had never lost a man in the sea. Not even once. But one man still was out there. And he was who Yoochun had been waiting for, for almost three years now. He rubbed his tired eyes. He knew he should have forgotten that conversation, but he found that he couldn’t. Yoochun knew he would never forget it.

 

Three years ago

 

Yoochun watched as Junsu, his boyfriend, he put the big cooler in his sailboat. It was early in the morning and they were going to cruise around the island as promised by Junsu because it was Yoochun’s birthday. He watched as Junsu turned and held out his hand at him. he took it gratefully as he climbed on Junsu’s boat.

 

They were in the middle of the sea when Junsu momentarily stopped the boat. He went over to Yoochun who was standing at one side of the star board. He wound his arms around Yoochun and he leaned back to Junsu.

 

“This is nice.” Yoochun commented as he savored the warmth enveloping him. Junsu tightened his hold on him.

 

“Yes, it is. Do you like it?”

 

“I love it. Thanks for making this happen for me.” Yoochun smiled as he looked at the blue sea before him.

 

Junsu leaned and whispered to him. “No need to say thanks. I love you. Happy birthday.”

 

Yoochun twisted his head around to look at Junsu. How he loved this man. “Thanks. I love you too.” They kissed and Yoochun thought his birthday was complete. When they parted, Yoochun gazed at Junsu lovingly. He took a deep breath and looked around the boat.

 

“Hey, you have the flag I bought for you. It looks good.” Yoochun said laughingly as he pointed to the cloth with a dolphin design on it waving at the mast a few yards away from them. It was a private joke between the two of them.

 

“Of course. It’s your claim on the boat. I’ll always remember you when I see it.”

 

“Really? That’s good. I don’t want you to forget me.” Yoochun said jokingly.

 

“How could I forget you? You’re mine.” Junsu said and stole a quick kiss from Yoochun. They laughed and settled again after a few minutes.

 

“This time next year, I’ll be sailing north. I will get you the largest pearl there is. I will come back and I’ll give it to you.” Junsu said solemnly.

 

They were planning to get married next year. The next expedition for treasures like pearls would be Junsu’s last because they were going to settle to another place after their marriage. New start, they said. Yoochun liked the idea of a new start but he didn’t like the idea of Junsu sailing again. He just didn’t feel right about it. The company Junsu would be going with was known around their place. That was why Junsu thought that if he went with them he would be assured of big bucks. Yoochun didn’t think so. He was persuading his boyfriend to just stick to tourism, but Junsu didn’t want to waste time. He thought that he had better chances of getting the money when he went with the company.

 

Now that Junsu mentioned it again, Yoochun felt the familiar tightening in his gut. He didn’t really know it. He couldn’t explain why he felt this way whenever Junsu mentioned this trip but he always felt nervous and agitated.

 

He faced his boyfriend and looked at him seriously. “Don’t say that. I don’t want the biggest pearl in the world. I want you to be with me. Junsu, please, I don’t know about this—“

 

Junsu put a finger on his lips. “Hey, we’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? I won’t be there for long. This will be the last one. Then we’ll be married. We’ll get out of here and start anew. Don’t you like that?”

 

Yoochun pushed Junsu’s hand away gently. “I know. I like it too but I’m just telling you that I don’t feel good about this. Can you just take more guests instead? I’ll help you! I can be your assistant, just please Junsu…”

 

Junsu smiled at him. “I know you’ll be a wonderful assistant but I’ll just be distracted by your beauty, love. My guests will have the shock of their lives if they see me kissing the life out of you on this deck. Sorry, I just can’t do it.”

 

Yoochun moved away a bit from his boyfriend. “I-I just don’t know…I don’t feel good about it.”

 

“Hey, come on! Don’t be like that. This is supposed to be a good birthday for you. Let’s not talk about it anymore okay?” Junsu pulled him to him and started kissing his jaw. Yoochun momentarily forgot what they were talking about. Junsu could always make him feel this way. He really loved this man. He would do anything for him. And if he said he had to sail, then Yoochun would let him.

 

They stayed there until the skies turned dark. They had just had their dinner and were lying on the floor of the deck gazing at the stars. Yoochun was using Junsu’s shoulder as a pillow. He felt really content. This was the best present he had had. They were talking about random stuff and Yoochun didn’t know how the conversation went to the topic he most dreaded but when it did, he had the most difficult time to answer.

 

“Yoochun-ah, what would you do if one day I get lost in the sea? Would you look for me? Would you wait?” Junsu asked silently.

 

Yoochun stiffened when he heard the question. He didn’t want to talk about this ever. It was his utmost fear. He couldn’t imagine life without Junsu and if he lost him, he knew that he’d die. He looked at Junsu’s profile. The man was staring at the sky. Yoochun’s eyes traced Junsu’s features with his eyes. He didn’t know what to answer to the question.

 

“I-I don’t want to think about it.” He said after a moment of silence.

 

Junsu lifted his shoulder that made Yoochun’s head bounce. Yoochun looked up and stared straight at Junsu’s eyes. “I want to know. And it’s just a rhetorical question. I won’t be lost at sea. I was born in the sea, pabo. Now answer the question. What would you do if I get lost?”

 

Yoochun bowed his head and tried to answer. “I would look for you of course. I would keep on looking until I find you.”

 

Junsu didn’t speak for a while. “Then would you wait for me too?”

 

“Of course I’ll wait for you.”

 

“How long will you wait for me?”

 

“I’ll wait for you forever.”

 

Junsu laughed and pinched Yoochun’s nose. He made him look up until they were staring at each other. “Pabo, you don’t have to wait that long. If you feel that it’s hopeless, don’t wait anymore. I don’t want you to wait long.”

 

Yoochun didn’t laugh. He didn’t see anything funny at what Junsu said. “I’ll wait for you as long as it takes.”

 

“Aigoo, you’re so stubborn. But thanks for that promise. I won’t make you wait long. You’ll only have to keep a light for me and I’ll come back to you right away.”

 

”Then I’ll always keep the light on for you.” Yoochun promised.

 

They embraced and Yoochun willed his heart to stop feeling nervous. “I love you.” he murmured.

 

Junsu nodded and kissed the top of Yoochun’s head. “I love you too.”

 

That was the last day that they had together before Junsu sailed away. And that was almost three years ago. There was an unexpected typhoon that week. The sailors didn’t have time to turn around. Some made it to shore but Junsu wasn’t with them. Yoochun felt his world crumble when he learned of the incident. He was devastated. He didn’t know how he got through the first weeks but he did. But in those weeks, he kept his tears at bay. He didn’t cry because he knew he had work to do.

 

 Yoochun kept his promise and looked for Junsu. He looked everywhere. He went to all the docks; he talked to everyone who has a connection to the trip. But he found nothing. No one could give him any information. He didn’t give up the search. He used all his saved money just to look for Junsu but he didn’t find anything.

 

After that, he went into depression and went about all around town like a man possessed. Nothing could appease him. He forgot everything else except the drive to look for Junsu. His family told him to stop after one year but he didn’t listen. Junsu’s family kept the search with him, but he could feel that they were losing hope. He couldn’t let it get to him though. He promised that he would look for Junsu and if he had to search all over the world, he would do it.

 

Then his mother went to him one day. She pleaded for him to stop because he was ruining his life. Yoochun looked at his mother for the first time in almost two years. That was when he saw that she was also suffering because of him. Her once care-free expression was placed with lines of worry for her eldest son. Much as he hated to admit, he knew that he let his mother down. She cried in front of him and told him to stop wasting his life and move on. Yoochun looked at her crying and his heart went out to her. He loved his mother so much. He went to her and sat at her feet.

 

There at his mother’s feet he felt the loneliness he had been feeling for the longest time. For the first time since Junsu disappeared, he cried. He wasn’t crying because he regretted everything that he did. He was crying because he knew that he could not do what his mother asked of him.

 

And tonight was the one thousandth day Junsu was lost in the sea. He counted all the days that he hadn’t seen him. Yoochun still looked for him, but he did this quietly. He even managed to go out again. But that was just to assure his family that he wouldn’t be doing anything drastic. They didn’t know that he was still looking and waiting for Junsu to come back.

 

He could still remember everything that they talked about the night of his birthday. Yoochun’s heart ached whenever he remembered. But he felt that he wouldn’t forget it. He had been keeping the light on for a thousand days now. He was fulfilling his promise. But Junsu still hasn’t come back. Yoochun struggled not to cry.

 

Instead, he breathed in the cold air and closed his eyes to utter a silent prayer.

 

‘Junsu-ah, you said you won’t make me wait for a long time. You made me promise that if I keep a light for you, you’ll come back to me. Please come back to me Junsu. I’ve been waiting for a long time. Please come back to me.’

 

He opened his eyes. He had said this plea for almost three years too. In his heart he was still hoping that he’d see Junsu once again. He believed that he would see him with all his heart. Junsu just had to come back. He just had to.

 

A sudden blinking light caught his attention. A boat was asking permission to dock. He pushed a button that made the light in the light house blink in answer to the request. He watched as the person on board answered his signal. The boat was still a few meters away from him. But he could make out a small vessel, just right for a light cruise. He waited for the boat to move closer to the dock.

 

Then he saw a flag with a dolphin design on it.

 

The shock he felt nearly undid him. He couldn’t move at all. Yoochun’s heart thudded erratically in his chest. His breath hitched as a sudden overwhelming disbelief came to him.

 

He saw the boat move closer to him. He knew it was a few feet away from him now so he ran down the stairs of the light house. Once he reached the dock, he craned his neck to have a better look at the boat. He caught sight of the white sails as the wind whipped through them but Yoochun couldn’t see anyone in the boat. He could only see the outline of the boat because it was still too far away from him. Then as sure as he was about to have a closer look at the boat, a strong gust of wind pushed at the sails. The boat instead of moving closer, glided a few feet away from the dock. Yoochun saw that it was being pushed by the wind.

 

“No! Don’t go!” Yoochun shouted and ran towards the boat.

 

But the boat kept moving away. Yoochun ran as fast as he could. He had to reach the boat. He had to. But as hard as he ran, the boast still kept on moving away from him. Yoochun’s arms shot out in front of him in a way to stop the vessel. He couldn’t lose this boat. He couldn’t lose Junsu.

 

“Please don’t go! Wait for me!” he shouted to the person manning the boat. He couldn’t really explain how he simply couldn’t reach the boat no matter how fast he was running. So he still ran but exhaustion crept to him and he stumbled on his steps. He fell down and gasped for breath. His chest hurt from running. He spared a glance at the boast and he shouted. He shouted over and over for the man to stop. For Junsu to stop. For he knew for certain that Junsu must be the one in the boat. But he still couldn’t reach the boat.

 

“I won’t lose you again! Junsu please!” Yoochun shouted again, his voice hoarse from shouting. He saw the boat’s sails waving at him, mocking his efforts. And he felt frustration run through him. Then as if the fates heard him, he saw the boat stop. Just stop a few feet away from him.

 

Yoochun heaved a sigh of relief. Junsu must have heard him then. He saw the boat in front of him and just waited. He wasn’t sure what it was but there was something that changed. He couldn’t place his finger on it but he still waited. He kept on staring at the boat then to his surprise, a fine mist seemed to be covering the boat. The mist crept to the body of the boat; he saw it move up to the star board, then to the mast, then to the sails. Until all Yoochun could see was the outline of the boat. He couldn’t believe it! The boat was disappearing right before him!

 

He struggled to stand. Fear and confusion were roiling in his veins but he couldn’t simply let the boat go. Then a sudden thought gripped him at that instant. Junsu just came back to him. He came back to say that he should move on. Yoochun had been waiting too long. And Junsu didn’t like him to wait too long. He forgot that part.

 

Yoochun didn’t notice when he started crying. But he just knew that he was crying. As his sobs racked his frame, his eyes wandered to the place where he saw the boat earlier. And he saw nothing there anymore.

 

Junsu was gone.