First Stage: Precontemplation

Patient is in denial; ignorance pertains to the problem. 

"Mr. Lee Sungmin, what is the purpose of this visit?" asked the psychologist. "I see here that you are experiencing some ‘difficulties’ in life, would you care to give me more information? You weren't very helpful when you filled out the paperwork."

"That's because I wasn't the one who did the paperwork. Honestly, I don't know why I'm here. I don't have a problem; I don't know why people insist that I do," I told her, because in all honestly, I didn't think I did. Sure, I had a few kinks here and there, but that they all seem to be regarding Kyuhyun didn't mean I was obsessed. Even fans would agree that Kyuhyun's fingers, thighs, , or Adam's apple were such a turn on. Too big of a turn on if I must say.

Kyuhyun's anatomy was simply desirable, every single part of him. All the manliness that Kyuhyun had, the fact that the guy could make anyone surrender under his arms - male or female - with all the pheromones oozing from his body, was proof enough that my kinks were normal.

The guy could simply make you his submissive and anyone would gladly accept it.

I probably shouldn't mention how I already was just by imagining it. However, an addiction... to Kyuhyun?

Now that was an overreaction.

"So then, why do you think people insist that you do?"

"Well, they seem to think I have some sort of addiction to one of my band mates, they think it's-" I paused, looking for the correct word. Why was I bothering answering anyway? "...unhealthy. Which sounds absurd, really. It's impossible to have an addiction to another person, maybe an obsession, but I don't think I have that either."

Well, this session had already been paid for; I couldn't have possibly let that money go to waste, now could I?

"Who are ‘they’ you speak of? What makes them think that it is, and most importantly, why do you think it is not?"

"They, well, ‘they’ are my other band mates; and to them, it seems pretty obvious that this is some unhealthy addiction."

"What do you think of that? How does it make you feel?"

"Well, they say I'm addicted to Kyuhyun but to me it is more like a kink or a I have for his body." Really, how could it not be normal when we are made to live under one roof and have no private life whatsoever. Having a relationship was out of the question, too. If you had one, you would have to be very discreet about it unless it was serious. "However, I wouldn't call it an addiction."

A few contacts with another member were simply the closest thing we had to a physical relationship, and that is how I viewed this, as a simple attraction to another member because of the lack of physical contact with a woman; nothing more, nothing less.

"Are you sure that's all it is, Mr. Lee?"

I suddenly felt as if my mind was being read.

 

Second Stage: Contemplation

Contemplation of a change, and conflicted emotions. Ambivalence.

The thing about psychologists is that they always seem to have the right question for everything. They always make you consider that there may be in fact something wrong with you, even if you deny it all you want. Even if your mind seemed to think that it wasn't so, psychologist were always there to plant the seed of doubt, and that's how I found myself questioning whether or not I was addicted to Cho Kyuhyun.

I was coming to terms with the fact that I might be addicted to Kyuhyun. A big part of me was still in denial and still thought there was nothing wrong with me, but then I'd see Kyuhyun and that would change.

My eyes would not leave his lips when he would or bite them. They would not leave when he would start wiping the sweat on his face off with a tissue. Nor when he would bend and I could see those thigh-hugging skinny jeans of his become tighter and I appreciated them even more.

I'd find myself fixated on his body and then it would suddenly dawn on me that perhaps it wasn't normal behavior; and if not, then why did it feel so right?

There was an obvious physical attraction, still there was also something more.

What if I didn't really have a problem and what I felt was normal?

It wasn't as if I was a creep who wouldn't stop creeping on Kyuhyun. Okay, maybe there was some staring, and maybe I would knowingly enter the bathroom to watch a Kyu taking a shower, but that didn't make me an addict. Kyuhyun would do it too and that didn't make him one.

Kyuhyun, if he had noticed, didn't seem to mind, so why should I?

With that said, did I want the change?

 

Third Stage: Preparation

Experiment with small changes and prepare for larger changes.

Anyway you looked at it, what I was doing was wrong. To creepily stare at another person who regarded you as a friend, a brother, who you have such indecent thoughts about was not right.

I needed the change.

Small changes, the psychologist had said.

Maybe I should stop entering the bathroom when Kyu is showering, and try to avoid improper thoughts.

I needed distractions - exercising might help, longs runs, and more solo activities. Some distance would do me good.

The next day I woke up before anyone else and executed my plan. I went out for my morning exercise, the fresh air and surroundings were surprisingly relaxing, which was a good thing for me at the moment. I went to the gym and, afterwards, spoke with our manager about my solo activities.

After a couple of days, the changes were showing to be positive. I not only felt physically healthy, but emotionally as well.

 

Fourth Stage: Action

Taking action by achieving a goal.

Although my strategy had been working as of late, my biggest enemy was no longer my own thoughts. It seemed as if Kyuhyun was intentionally trying to tempt me with his constant proximity. He'd run his hand down my back, or brush his fingers against mine - constantly tempting me.

As enticing as he was, I was not going to give in anytime soon. I didn't want to. I knew I needed to make a drastic decision if it came to it, and maybe now had become the right time. I needed a clean break to start anew. 

Leaving the group, or the dorm, were not an option. That left me with my third choice.

"Kyu, I think we need to stop sharing a room," I told Kyuhyun.

He looked at me with furrowed brows and confusion was clear on his face. "Hyung, was it something I did?" he asked.

"No, actually, I'll be doing more independent activities and I don't want to bother you. Your gaming never bothered me before but I'm going to be needing more rest; so I think it's best if I move out," I told him.

"Hyung, if it's me, I can stop the gaming. I'll be cooperative." 

For a minute there, I almost lost my composure as I looked at his saddening face. "It's not you, believe me. Like I said, this is about me; so you shouldn't feel responsible."

"Is it the same reason why you've been distant recently?"

Of course, Kyuhyun had noticed. Leave it to him to notice something was wrong.

"Yes, because like I said, I'll be doing more musicals and I can't be distracted," I lied.

 

Fifth Stage: Maintenance

Maintaining new behavior; avoid temptation.

It had been weeks since I had moved out of our shared room. I can't say I didn't miss it though. I missed the company, the shared laughter, and calling each other “roommates.” Yet, it wasn't all that bad. We would still hold our wine sessions after some convincing from Kyuhyun, but I would make sure to avoid being too close.

I was quite proud of myself for enduring this much, for getting this far. I mentally rewarded myself for achieving this much. Who'd have guessed this wouldn't be so difficult. Everything seemed to be going quite well for me. I could even say Kyuhyun's presence had no effect on me anymore.

 

Then again… maybe I had spoken too soon.

I could handle the small touches Kyuhyun would give; could handle a small brush of fingers, and a hand on my back because I could brush those off as something of unimportance or an affectionate touch. This, however, was too much. His touch had become bolder. I wasn't sure if paranoia had also become my problem or if I was giving this too much thought. It certainly felt as if Kyuhyun was trying to torture me.

On stage, during performances, he would give my a small caress, place his arm around my waist, and whisper "good job, Hyung," in my ear before throwing me a smirk, and walking away. It made me feel conspicuous, as if Kyuhyun was aware of how his touch made me feel and loved torturing tormenting me.

I felt like the entire world was against me, that my endurance was being tested, and it was taking all of my willpower and patience to overcome this.

 

Sixth Stage: Relapse

Feelings of disappointment, failure, and frustration. If lapsing back to an old behavior, take a look at why it did.

The following days were not much different. Kyuhyun would still torture me, but I was determined to fight back. And maybe I would have, if not for Kyuhyun.

What I thought would be a stress-free day turned out to be hell when Kyuhyun said something that had me bothered all day: “I know your secret, hyung.”

“Actually, I've known for quite a while," he whispered in my ear during one of our breaks from rehearsal.

It had become one of his habits to whisper in my ear and walk away, leaving me completely shocked every time. What irked me this time was the fact that he knew. It was frustrating because I had no idea what Kyuhyun's plan was. If he knew, then what did he want?

There were only two other people who knew of my problem. My therapist, who I had doctor-patient-confidentiality privileges with, and my best friend, Eunhyuk.

I was sure my therapist wasn't behind this, so that only left Eunhyuk. Sure, others suspected, and some knew to a certain extent, but the people who knew the story fully he thought were not capable of telling Kyuhyun, or so I thought.

"Who did you tell?" I demanded an answer when I found Eunhyuk in his room.

"What are you talking about, Sungmin hyung? Actually, I think I know what you're talking about, but I haven't told anyone, I swear," Hyuk said. 

If not him, then who?

"Eunhyuk, you're the only one I've told and if you didn't tell anyone then who did?"

"I don't know, hyung; but it wasn't me, I promise."

"Well, I don't think Kyuhyun is a mind reader either," I told him.

"Wait, hyung, he knows?"

"Yes, and the problem is I don't know what he's planning. If he knows everything,” I couldn’t make out the reasons behind his behavior. “He didn't seem bothered by the fact that I have such thoughts about him, but he keeps mentally torturing me so I don't think he means any good by it." 

If he was well informed about my problem then why wasn’t he that bothered by it? 

The only proof I had were his knowing smirks and stares that were enough to tell me Kyuhyun was scheming something and those very things were the reason why I was so alarmed.

"Well, I don't know how he found out but based on what you've told me. Either he is being the evil magnae we know, or..."

"Or what, Eunhyuk? Tell me," I exclaimed. I was beginning to panic before anything could occur, but we were talking about Cho Kyuhyun here. 

"Or he feels the same way and doesn't want you to be cured at all." Eunhyuk couldn't have said anything more stupid than this.

"Don't be ridiculous, he's not interested in me that way."

"Are you sure?"

 

I avoided Kyuhyun every time he was near; even at the dorm, I would make sure not to cross his path. I wasn't only afraid of his motives, I was also afraid of falling vulnerable again. I had come so far, and if Kyuhyun was planning to torture me, then knowing him, he would try harder than before. I'm not sure if I would be able to handle it because one could only withstand so much.

Avoidance had been my only choice, but I never really had much luck to begin with so I wasn't surprised when I bumped into him - in the kitchen, of all places.

"You know, Hyung, you can't run away from me forever," he said, rounding the table and coming closer, like a lion circling his prey. I backed away to escape only to bump into the fridge. He had me cornered. He knew it and took advantage of that. 

"Kyuhyun, what do you want?" I asked in annoyance, having been left with no other choice but to face him.

"Hyung, don't you know?" he wondered, tracing his fingers along my face while his other arm prevented my escape, "I want you." 

If this was the game he wanted to play, I wasn't going to be a part of it.

"Kyuhyun, don't be ridiculous. Stop playing around." I tried pushing him aside but... did I really want to? I knew very well how much stronger I was. I also knew how easy it would be to push him away if I really wanted to.

I think he knew that as well.

"The faster you accept the fact that you can't reject me, the faster this torture will end." 

End? How could him being this close possibly end all this?

“Kyu, I need to go. I need to get away.”

“You can't run from this forever - you need to face it.”

“You don't get it, do you? I was doing just fine before you decided to help out.” 

It took all my mental strength to push Kyuhyun away but my efforts were still in vain. He caught hold of my arm and held me in place again.

“No, you can't ignore what you feel. You don't have to ignore your feelings when I'm willing to help you sate them.” 

I didn't get it, what did Kyuhyun want?

He held my chin, forcing me to look straight at him, “Sungmin, look at me. Don't you get it? I want this, too. We can help each other out.” 

I had no more strength in me to fight him, so when he pulled me in for a searing kiss, I didn't fight it and let him.

We finally pulled away after several minutes, and while smirking, Kyuhyun said the following words, “We don't need to ignore this, we can overcome this addiction together.”

 

Epilogue

 

Gaming was my thing: strategical, action, mental games, you name it.

 

I loved a good challenge and loved a good game, but I  found the game of reality interesting at times, too. Playing that never ending game oftentimes came with certain frustrations; like many of my video games, but I wasn’t here to talk about those.

 

I was here to talk about a newly acquired challenge that came into my life. One that had me aggravated for so long; nevertheless, one that I would finally put to an end.

 

You see, for so long I have been obsessed with this one person, and I’m not talking about a character from a game or the type of obsession Heechul has over anime characters. I’m talking about an obsession with a real life person, Lee Sungmin.

 

Too many if must have been pretty obvious, but to Sungmin I was simply his dongsaeng.

 

Or so I thought; until very recently.

 

You see, he and I had a lot more in common than I thought.

 

For so long he had me believing I was no more than a dongsaeng to him. I was such a fool not to have noticed that he too wanted me just as much as I wanted him. That he also got a kick of watching me through lustful eyes.

 

Perhaps it would have still been a mystery for me if it weren't for the start of his unusual behavior towards me.

 

It all started when he began to distance himself from me and would go confide in Eunhyuk or Shindong instead. To say it was painful would be an understatement. It hurt to see your friend showing indifference and not knowing the reason behind it. I figured I had to do something about it. So I did.

 

I had no idea how to go about it, but I got inspiration from a conversation between Shindong and Eunhyuk.

 

“I think Sungmin is doing great recently, the distance with Kyuhyun has certainly worked. I like seeing our Sungmin doing so great, don't you think?” Eunhyuk said.

 

To defeat an enemy you must beat him at his own game, so if Sungmin wanted to be distant; I would be closer.

 

I had always been affectionate towards my hyung. I would pat him in the back, hold hands with him, share hugs, or even kiss him on the cheek sometimes. I would be bolder this time. I had always done so when there were no fangirls around or there would be too much screaming, but if he wanted his Sungmin back; he’d be willing to do it even under everyone's watchful eyes.

 

It was clearly evident in Sungmin's body the effect my touches brought. It made me think that maybe my hyung had started noticing me the same way I noticed him.

 

I couldn't deny that watching Sungmin hyung squirm at my touch brought me pleasure either. I loved watching him biting his lips nervously whenever I was nearby; I quite enjoyed the view. The fact that I could touch Sungmin more freely now was nothing short of delightful.

 

What I didn't expect was that he would take a more drastic step into distancing himself from me.

 

"Kyu, I think we need to stop sharing a room," he told me.

 

I looked at him with confusion, and asked, "Hyung, was it something I did?" Because I honestly didn't know what else it could be, but I had to be coy.

 

"No, actually, I'll be doing more independent activities and I don't want to bother you. Your gaming never bothered me before but I'm going to be needing more rest; so I think it's best if I move out," he explained.

 

"Hyung, if it's me, I can stop the gaming. I'll be cooperative." I knew he was doing this because of me and I was willing to do anything for him to stay.

 

"It's not you, believe me. Like I said, this is about me; so you shouldn't feel responsible."

 

The ridiculousness of his answer made me ask the next question, "Is it the same reason why you've been distant recently?"

 

I saw his shocked face before he recovered and replied with an obvious lie, "Yes, because like I said, I'll be doing more musicals and I can't be distracted."

 

Regardless of how much more that hurt than his sudden distance ever did, I wasn't going to give up that soon.

 

If the effect he was having on Sungmin was any indication that the other was avoiding him, though didn't seem to hate or be angry at him, then he would still try to bring back his hyung.

 

The reason behind Sungmin's evasion came to me sooner than I thought.

 

I’d found out in the most silliest of ways. While looking under my bed one day, I found a folder with the words "Therapy Notes" written on it. How it had ended up there I didn't know.

 

It explained in exact detail the purpose of all of hyung's actions and the reasons behind them.

 

Now it would be my turn to make Sungmin aware of my own feelings.

 

Firstly, what was a little fun without a little teasing?

 

It was my nature to tease, so I decided to harass my hyung a little.

 

I caught hold of Sungmin during rehearsals and decided then would be the perfect time to put the plan into action. “I know your secret, hyung. Actually, I've known for quite a while," I whispered in the his ear. I knew I had him when I saw his expression - completely bewildered and confused.

 

I’d expected Sungmin to try to avoid me, and I was right. It was almost adorable to watch his flustered face.

 

"You know, Hyung, you can't run away from me forever." I told him when he found him in the kitchen, rounding the table and coming closer. I knew how vulnerable Sungmin must have felt, and felt bad for taking joy in it, but I did. i saw him try to escape only to bump into the fridge. I had him cornered and took advantage of that.

 

"Kyuhyun, what do you want?" He asked me with annoyance.

 

"Hyung, don't you know?" he asked, tracing his fingers along the other’s face while his other arm prevented any escape, "I want you."

 

"Kyuhyun, don't be ridiculous. Stop playing around."

 

"The faster you accept the fact that you can't reject me, the faster this torture will end," for both of them.

 

“Kyu, I need to go. I need to get away.”

 

Don't you know, little bunny... the fun has just begun.

 

“You can't run from this forever - you need to face it.”

 

“You don't get it, do you? I was doing just fine before you decided to help out.”

 

I had to give it to Sungmin for fighting this much, but it was clear I was winning. I caught hold of his arm as he tried to escape again and held him in place.

 

“No, you can't ignore what you feel. You don't have to ignore your feelings when I'm willing to help you sate them.”

 

I held his chin, and forced him to look at me. “Sungmin, look at me. Don't you get it? I want this, too. We can help each other out.”

 

Suddenly, those m-shaped lips looked so inviting and I couldn't help but go in for a kiss. I knew he wanted this, too; he just needed a little help that's all. He didn't fight me this time around.

 

We finally pulled away after several minutes, smirking, I told him the following words. “We don't need to ignore this, we can overcome this addiction together.”

 

“Oh, and here, I found this under my bed.”

 

“Magnae!”

 

 

 

 

Thank you all for reading!

Special thanks to min for being so patient with me and being my beta. 

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