twenty five days a lifetime

you have too much to live for, with too little time.

 

 

---

 

 

People say two years, but Lu Han says twenty five days. Days don’t matter until they come down to twenty five. “That’s the age I’m struggling to reach,” he says with a laugh. So she doesn’t start the count on day seven hundred thirty, she starts on day twenty five. She knows twenty five days is not enough time to spend with Lu Han, but, is there ever a time enough to spend it with him?

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han wakes up lithe upon the vibration of his phone as though he is waiting for it hours ago. He taps the phone alarm off before the loud, obnoxious wake up tone wakes her up. Day twenty five is today, so he jolts out of bed like he is planning a surprise party for her or such. He rushes passed the calendar, but stops and halts in front of it again, encircling the number 3 on it with a red pen.

 

She fiddles her fingers nervously as the car halts. Lu Han senses her anxiety, and reassures her with a kiss. They knock and a woman answers, smiling. She pulls Lu Han into a hug, acknowledges the woman beside him, and opens the door wider for them to enter.

 

“This is Dani, mama,” Lu Han tells his mother, “She’s my girlfriend.”

 

“I know, Han,” his mother nods, glancing at Dani for a moment, “I’ve always known.”

 

Lu Han ignores the remark, but Dani smiles. The man is unaware, but his girlfriend and his mother met three years ago, sitting on the cold metal chairs of the waiting room, worn-out and anxious. Lu Han’s mother pours out her story to Dani, and Dani comforts her. They hold hands the entire night, praying fervently to extend the life of the cat that has lived all of its nine lives.

 

 

✖

 

 

Zhang Yixing and Lu Han went to voice lessons years ago, and they formed a bond. Not really best friends, but Yixing is someone Lu Han admires. He stopped joining voice lessons after a few sessions, saying he couldn’t afford it anymore, and went back to self-studying. Now, Lu Han sees Yixing’s name in almost every successful music albums in China, not as the artist, but the composer. Yixing likes to think, as Lu Han remembers, he is a quiet boy who clips a pencil above his left ear, and sometimes snapping his fingers as though a brilliant idea has crossed his mind and scribbles furiously on the paper. Lu Han didn’t know, until now, that Yixing loves writing songs.

 

Lu Han doesn’t expect Yixing to remember him after all the years that passed. The door opens on day twenty four, both he and Dani sit still, eyes on the door, waiting for the renowned composer to enter. Zhang Yixing’s eyes land on Dani first, then to Lu Han. Lu Han is tense, a voice screams in his mind; with every urge to tackle this friend he used vocalize with.

 

Lu Han and Dani bows, greeting Yixing with respect but he stops them. “Lu Han ge?” he says for the first time. Lu Han doesn’t nod, he cannot, when every thread of calmness inside him breaks, and he does tackle Yixing, fiercely, and Yixing sobs for the years he should have spent with Lu Han, straining their voices and harmonizing.

 

Lu Han and Dani leave after a fancy dinner with Yixing, with a promise to someday, write a song with him. Lu Han doesn’t tell Yixing, because he doesn’t want the next song composed be of sorrow.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han finds it too good to be true, but sitting on a VIP seat waiting for the fashion show to start on day twenty three, makes him forget his doubts. He was seventeen, so was Wu Yifan, when it crossed their minds that, maybe, the runway is their road to success. Yifan laughs at him, “But you’re too short.” Lu Han retorts, saying Yifan’s too long to be a model, but his dreams of being a runway star was lost. He left Yifan, with a heavy heart, because he knew that Yifan would be a model, and him, an audience.

 

Wu Yifan is gorgeous, he thinks, as he observes the man on the runway. He looks cold, mandated by the runway rule to never pose emotions on stage, and Lu Han likes to imagine him as a walking porcelain doll, too eerie, too beautiful. Yifan’s cold eyes land on him for a split second and his entire demeanour changes. He almost staggers backward, and hurries off the stage.

 

Lu Han doesn’t think Yifan would be stupid enough to abandon the show, but he does, lurching backstage, his eyes searching one person. “Lu Han!” he cries, and Lu Han runs towards Yifan. “Yifan, you ing bastard,” he exclaims, and Yifan laughs, punching his shoulders, “It’s Kris now, Lu Han.”

 

Lu Han stands behind Yifan, as he insists calling Kris by his real name, wincing as Yifan’s manager reprimands him of his departure on stage earlier. The manager turns, and both of them laugh. Lu Han leaves him hours later, giving Yifan his phone number, but he doesn’t tell him.

 

Yifan is too beautiful to be broken.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han knew Zitao because they once sat together in a restaurant eating perilla leaf. Not acquaintances, just sharing a table because the restaurant could only accommodate too much people. Then Zitao started talking about his life, how he likes stuffed toys and cuddly things. Lu Han wanted to laugh; the heavy and stern face of a man eating perilla leaf aggressively enjoys the company of Hello Kittys and teddy bears. Lu Han asked for Zitao’s number, and his home address, and a week later, Zitao had a life sized teddy bear sitting at his doorstep.

 

Lu Han is shocked when he finds out that Zitao is actually an expert in martial arts. Now he wants to laugh a lot more: Huang Zitao is an expert in martial arts and likes stuffed toys. He doesn’t need anyone smart enough to know that those characteristics should not be in one person.

 

He finds Zitao in a gym, of course, practicing wushu. Zitao doesn’t even stop to stare at Lu Han, he gives a feminine shriek and runs to his visitor, sweat trickling down his body like raindrops. They catch up on day twenty two, tell stories and secrets over perilla leaf, and when Lu Han stands up to leave, he hugs Zitao. “I may not be seeing you soon, Zitao, so you take care,” he whispers in the younger boy’s ear. Zitao nods, and offers his good bye.

 

Lu Han is happy he doesn’t tell Zitao. Because Zitao is delicate and he doesn’t want the raindrops cascading down his body be tears.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han likes to think he is manly, and he insists on it. Dani laughs and reminds him of his fear of heights. “Fear of heights doesn’t measure your manliness,” he answers, rolling his eyes.

 

He pulls Dani to the carnival on day twenty one. He chooses between zipline and Ferris wheel, and he almost wants to choose the zipline, but his ego gets the best of him and takes the Ferris wheel. “I will overcome this fear of heights, and I will prove that for ten long minutes,” he says to Dani as the operator locks the metal handle to hold them.

 

Their seat was silent for a few whole half of the ride, in contrast to the flamboyant screaming of the people. His heart is hammering against his ribcage, as though no amount of blood could bring his body to homeostasis. His knuckles are paper white due to the tight grip of the metal bar, and he tries to keep himself from fainting.

 

“Are you alright?” Dani asks. “Hell yes,” he answers. “We could ask the operator to stop if you want.” Lu Han considers, but his ego insists he finish the challenge. He rejects the suggestion, and continues to shake for ten good minutes.

 

“Are you enjoying the view?” Dani asks, but Lu Han is far more preoccupied with the idea that he is a hundred meters off the ground to be admiring the view below. He doesn’t answer, but glares at his girlfriend when she snorts.

 

“So, did you overcome your fear of heights?” Dani questions him as they drive home.

 

Lu Han smiles because his answer is very honest, “Let’s just say I’m not riding another ing Ferris wheel until the day I die.”

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han wakes up on day twenty and thinks the world is a ed up place, so he is in a bad mood. He doesn’t want to snap at his girlfriend because he thinks he’s going to burst because everything irritates him today, so he ignores her. Dani notices his hot head, and she avoids him, afraid that he’ll explode with the simplest of touch. That makes Lu Han a lot more annoyed. He finds his girlfriend everywhere away from him: she sees him walk to the living room, she walks to the kitchen. He follows her to the kitchen; she locks herself in the bedroom. Exasperated, Lu Han kicks the end of the sofa with a thud and falls, eyes on the football game he had lost interest in minutes ago.

 

Lu Han sleeps on the couch that night.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han wakes up with an aching back on the sofa on day nineteen, and he thinks he might never want to talk to his girlfriend again. On the other hand, he misses the bed.

 

He finds breakfast on the dinner table with medicines. No notes, no girlfriend, nothing. He chews his breakfast grumpily, and forces the medicine down his throat. If he doesn’t know any better, he would say he’s on his period. So he sits on the kitchen table, wondering whether he should talk to Dani or just let it rest. He figures that if she doesn’t talk to him by tomorrow, he’s never going to talk to her forever. Although it would be a shame to tell that the reason he and his girlfriend fell out was because he was on another moody spell and decided to be a . He feels guilty and just hopes she would talk to him tomorrow.

 

He sleeps on the couch again, and he doesn’t even wonder how he wakes up with a blanket the following day.

 

 

✖

 

 

He wakes up late on day eighteen and he smiles when he wakes up in a good mood. He jumps to the kitchen to find nothing, no girlfriend, no breakfast, and no medicine. Lu Han wonders if Dani left him, but he knows she loves him too much to leave. So he knocks at the bedroom door. The whirr of the air conditioner reassures him that Dani is indeed at home, so he knocks again. He turns the knob, and of course, it’s not locked, so he twists it and enters the room.

 

Lu Han would never admit that he missed the smell of the room: clothes, vanilla, and coffee. He finds her curled up on the bed, and he jumps on top of her, preparing to smother her with kisses, when he hears her sniffles. “Go away, I’m sick.” Dani throws up, and Lu Han thinks she might be pregnant, and that he’s ing crazy. He’s not supposed to be mad, but he is. He’s mad at himself, not Dani. So when she tells him to turn off the air conditioner because she feels cold, he ignores her and instead, he takes off his clothes because there are more ways to feel hot. Dani gets mad because he doesn’t turn off the air conditioner, but strips off as well.

 

 

✖

 

 

He misses Korea, and he knows that the country means a whole lot more to him than he thinks. So, they fly to Korea on day seventeen. Lu Han suggests coffee after they touch down, and Dani smiles, saying she knows just the place.

 

Lu Han swears he sees too much euphoria in Dani’s eyes when they reach the coffee shop. Too much excitement that makes him insecure. She tells him that the owner, Kim Minseok went to her school, and they became close friends. “Should I be worried?” He asks her, and he receives a laugh. “I don’t know. Should you?” And Lu Han almost regrets he asked for coffee.

 

Minseok is a month older than him, a sweet, silent boy who keeps his thoughts to himself. He smiles frequently, and Lu Han sees his pink gums appear when Dani lurches to hug him. He is monolid, and Lu Han would never admit that Minseok is one of the few people he knows that actually suits single eyelids. Dani introduces Minseok to Lu Han, and they shake hands. Minseok asks Dani why they flew to Korea without any notice, so Dani glances at Lu Han and smiles, “Don’t act like you’re not happy to see me.”

 

The Korean insists that they go to dinner with him, so they did. They leave after thanking him for the accommodation, and Lu Han almost cannot wait to leave. They arrive at the hotel and Dani asks him if he is jealous of Minseok. Lu Han denies, so Dani lets him.

 

They make love all night because Lu Han wants no other name leave Dani’s lips but his own.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han forgot how he arrived at that destination, but one day, he met Kim Joonmyeon at a golf course. Lu Han complained about the weather, so Joonmyeon brought him refreshments. He thanked him, but panicked as soon as he found out that Joonmyeon’s family owned the golf course.

 

Lu Han doesn’t find him at the golf course playing; Kim Joonmyeon is the CEO of an advertising company. Dani looks shaken, but Lu Han isn’t even surprised. Somehow, he had guessed that the man in a shirt and cotton pants would end up high.

 

So, on day sixteen, Joonmyeon finds them at Minseok’s café, him still garbed with his cotton pants.

 

“Lu Han?” the sound dispels across the room, but Lu Han doesn’t hear. Three fingers pat his shoulder and he turns, he sees Joonmyeon. The CEO smiles at him, latte in hand, and greets him a good morning. “Do you remember me?”

 

“Joonmyeon from the golf course?” Lu Han inquires and receives an affirmation. Joonmyeon checks on his Rolex, shrugs, and sits down next to Lu Han, ordering two lattes for Lu Han and his girlfriend. Dani dismisses the order for herself, politely, saying she’s alright talking to Minseok, much to Lu Han’s disfavour.

 

They catch up, and Lu Han remembers how modest Joonmyeon was, and still is. He respects his affinity to minimalism, and Lu Han is there to accompany him, anywhere, anytime. He saw Joonmyeon as his companion in every adventure, and until the day he had to leave for China, Lu Han attended to him. Joonmyeon excuses himself to leave for work; he promises Lu Han lunch and a weekend at the golf club.

 

Lu Han accepts the invitation, but he doesn’t tell Joonmyeon. Joonmyeon doesn’t deserve to be alone.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han remembers Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol as his tour guides and translators back when he first came to Korea to study. Baekhyun never stopped talking, his speech shifting from Korean to Mandarin occasionally. Chanyeol was cheerful and patient, and all the time happy.

 

Lu Han finds the two of them, still best friends with the same job, as MCs. Lu Han watches them through the television of the hotel and he smiles when Baekhyun smiles, laughs when Chanyeol laughs because they were his rock in his early years.

 

He doesn’t go to them and talk, instead, he writes to them on day fifteen. He thanks them for the years they’ve spent teaching him Korean, the difference between ‘ssang nam ja’ and ‘ssan nam ja’, and he apologizes that he doesn’t visit them. He slams his hand on the table, because he cannot visit them, and that he’s suffering a migraine that is close to splitting his ing head in half. Dani tells him to go to sleep, so he obliges, after writing another apology and scribbles his name and number at the bottom.

 

“We’ll stopover at the hospital if you still got that migraine the next morning,” Dani says, “I told you we shouldn’t travel.”

 

“But we did, and now we’re here, so it up,” Lu Han replies.

 

Lu Han wraps an arm around his girlfriend and apologizes for not being so ‘ssang nam ja’. Dani forgives him.

 

 

✖

 

 

Everyone can learn. For some absurd reason, Kim Jongdae held to that thought that it frustrated him. Lu Han and Jongdae went to dance class together. Jongdae had high hopes that he’d be a well-known dancer after the lessons, and Lu Han supported him. They practice ballet together, hours in front of the mirror trying to be as graceful as any dancer could be. Jongdae barely passed. He realized that his dreams cannot be reached and not everyone can learn so he quit without telling anyone. Lu Han waited for him in front of the mirror, ready to teach him pop-and-lock, but Jongdae never came.

 

Lu Han finds out that Jongdae became a pianist, and he is happy. He visits Jongdae on day fourteen, while he is practicing a piece, and he stands in front of him. Jongdae doesn’t stop even after he sees Lu Han.

 

He ends his piece, and sighs. “Bach once performed in the palace. Before he started, he found out that his cello was sabotaged. Every string was broken, except the G string. He knew he was going to shame himself, but he executed a piece spontaneously, using the lone string. Now, the piece is known as the ‘Air on the G String’.” He looks up to Lu Han, “I’m sorry.”

 

Lu Han smiles, “No, I think it’s ama—“

 

“For leaving you like that, I’m sorry.” Lu Han realizes that Jongdae is sad, and he cries for the mistakes he made. “I ed up.”

 

Lu Han spends the day with Jongdae, and before going home, he tells the pianist that he forgives him for leaving. Jongdae doesn’t cry, but he hugs Lu Han. Jongdae tells him that if life leaves him with nothing but the G String, he could still make a song.

 

Lu Han doesn’t tell him that he’s already run out of strings.

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han thinks he’s going mental when he answers to a call from Do Kyungsoo to stay at their place on day thirteen. They met several years ago, back when Baekhyun was Lu Han’s translator, and Chanyeol was his tour guide. Kyungsoo was his protector when people made fun of him for being Chinese, and he thought Kyungsoo was stupid for defending him. “You didn’t have to do that,” Lu Han said as he helped Kyungsoo clean the scrapes on his knees. The other boy said nothing but merely nodded. The morning after, Kyungsoo brings his brother, Jongin, and they beat up the bullies for Lu Han.

 

Kyungsoo becomes a doctor, and Jongin is studying to be a lawyer. Lu Han hates them both. He hates Kyungsoo for being stubborn, for taking all the punches, for not complaining. He hates Jongin because he is a little boy he needs to protect, but Jongin does that for him. He hates them because he’s weak, and that he didn’t have the audacity to stop them. He hates the smiles they pull up beneath their trodden faces like they revel in their injuries. “You’re beautiful,” young Jongin told him, “You don’t deserve hurt.”

 

Jongin grows up handsome, tanned and lean, and he hugs Lu Han the way a baby hugs his big brother. Kyungsoo smiles at him, his wide eyes sparkling, and Lu Han doesn’t need any words because Kyungsoo’s happy face says enough. They chatted about school over dinner, remembering the time when Jongin doesn’t know how to hit on a girl, and when Lu Han’s longest phrase was ‘a kkab da’.

 

But Lu Han just have to screw it up when he vomits ing blood all over the floor, and zones out, not hearing the alarmed voices of Kyungsoo, Jongin and Dani.

 

 

✖

 

 

He wakes up on day twelve to the steady beeping of a monitor, feel tubes sticking in his nostrils that he knows to be supplying his limp body with oxygen. He hears crying; he turns, and sees Jongin holding his hand firmly. Kyungsoo stands behind his brother, and he looks at Lu Han with melancholy.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Kyungsoo asks. “Why didn’t you tell us you have ing blood cancer?!”

 

They cannot heal him. Kyungsoo can be mad and sulk forever, but he wouldn’t get better. Jongin can cry and lament, but nothing will change.

 

“I wasn’t even allowed to travel,” Lu Han says, “But I wanted to. I wanted to see you.”

 

“You’re crazy, hyung,” Jongin says through tears, “You’re ing crazy. Now you’re stuck here until they insert some marrow into your bone to keep you from ing dying. Didn’t you think of chemo?”

 

“I did,” Lu Han tells him, “Two years ago, but they said it was hopeless. They just told me that leukaemia’s ing up my whole life and I just gotta it up because I can’t do anything.”

 

“We’ll get you better,” Kyungsoo whispers.

 

Lu Han is upset because Kyungsoo doesn’t seem to understand.

 

“There’s no ‘better’, Kyungsoo! That’s why I came here, because I’m practically waving the white flag in front of your faces because I’m gonna die in, I don’t know, a week?”

 

So, they do cry: Lu Han, Kyungsoo, Jongin. Lu Han hates them because he is sick and their lamenting faces are harder to bear than their bruised ones.

 

 

✖

 

 

Kyungsoo leaves for work and Jongin leaves for school and Lu Han is alone with his thoughts. The silence in the room is supposed to calm him, but it does nothing but remind him how ed up his life is. He is bedridden, not because his limbs betray him but because everything hurts. His body, his head, his heart.

 

That day, day eleven, Dani tells him, “The doctor says you’re not moving a feet from the hospital without a transplant.” To this, Lu Han snorts, “The only thing scary about what you said is that the world’s filling up with moneygrubbing doctors.”

 

His partner is silent, and he sighs. “For what it’s worth, do it. Set me a date for the ing transplant and let’s just get this over with.”

 

“You sound too eager about this transplant, Han. It’s for your own good.” Dani grimaces.

 

Lu Han forces himself up and glares at her. He feels hot right now, and his girlfriend sounds annoying. “You think they could do it, huh? You think these doctors can do better than ours? They can’t treat me, no one can ing treat me. You remember why we’re here? Because I just had to see my friends one last time before I reach day zero, do you ing remember than I’m very close to blowing up my ing grave?!”

 

Lu Han doesn’t realize. He thinks he’s a time bomb, and he drags everybody in to watch him explode but he doesn’t realize how much people try to preserve the seconds of that bomb, because they don’t want him gone.

 

Nobody wants Lu Han gone.

 

 

✖

 

 

Day ten have been the worst of the days. Dani doesn’t tell him how horrible he looks: pale, thin, lethargic. He insists on cleaning himself alone, so he is assisted to stand. He lifts his foot and drags it down, feeling his whole weight crash to the foot and he collapses. Dani bathes him and he cries.

 

Lu Han despairs, not because he’s going to die, but because he’s leaving the people he loves. He feels helpless and useless. When Dani hands him his food, he pushes it away, mumbling that he doesn’t want to eat.

 

“You have to eat this, Han.”

 

“I don’t want to eat.”

 

“Do you want to die or something,” Dani asks him, because that’s what one would normally say.

 

“I don’t know, do I?”

 

“What is wrong with you?”

 

And he snaps. “What’s wrong with me? I’ll tell you what the hell’s wrong with me: I have ing leukaemia, and the doctor said I’m gonna die in two ing years, and now it’s like day ten, so what the ’s wrong if I don’t eat that? I’m gonna die anyway!”

 

“You always try to understand me,” he adds, “You always try to know what I feel, but the thing is you don’t know how it feels. You don’t know how this fire ing burns in my body, how this fire never quenches and keeps building up until I become part of it. I could feel the fire inside me, burning me alive but when I look at you…when I ing look at you, you’re the one on fire. Every one of you is on fire, and it kills me. It kills me that I have to die and hurt you all.”

 

Dani cries and hugs him. Lu Han sighs because he’s depressed and that he snaps at her. “You feel bad because nobody can feel you burn when you die and leave,” she sobs in his chest, and Lu Han feels bad because he loves her too much to die on her, “But you don’t know what it feels when you’re the one he is going to leave.”

 

 

✖

 

 

Dani begs the doctors, per Lu Han’s request, to let him out of the hospital for several hours. The doctors assent, agreeing that the patient should be back before nightfall of day nine. Lu Han just have enough time

 

Lu Han visits a shabby house by the countryside, two hours of travel and he feels sick. But he’s arrived; to the very last and most important place he needs to be. His heart escalates, but only a little, when he sees him standing outside, staring at their car few meters away, waiting, just waiting. He is everything Lu Han could remember, only older, and more handsome, and he feels a tug in his heart that causes him to mourn.

 

He sees him, Sehun, after few countless years and he mourns for the years between. Lu Han struggles to get out of the car, and limps towards the man waiting for him. Sehun doesn’t run towards him, doesn’t smile, he just watches Lu Han, watch him tread toward him.

 

“Hello,” Lu Han greets him, but he doesn’t say anything. “How are you?”

 

Sehun sighs, and turns around; walking towards the house and Lu Han follows, because that’s how it’s supposed to happen.

 

Sehun was that young vulnerable kid who wipes the insults off his locker every day, the one who doesn’t say anything because he sounds wrong. Lu Han saw him every day at school, wiping his locker, eating alone, crying inside the restroom. Then one day, Sehun found his locker clean of scornful mocks, and that day, he found a friend.

 

Lu Han loves Sehun as if he is his own brother, someone to protect, someone to take care of. But Sehun loved Lu Han a little more. “I love you hyung,” he told Lu Han, and Lu Han smiled, “I love you too, Sehun.”

 

“No, hyung,” Sehun said, “I love you.”

 

Lu Han left, because he was afraid. He loves Sehun but he didn’t know what to do. Sehun was everything that defined him, but he left. And he feels incomplete.

 

Oh Sehun is Lu Han’s greatest mistake.

 

The two of them say nothing as they enter the house; the same, shabby place Lu Han used to stay. He sits down, exhaustion apparent on his face, and the younger boy stands a good few feet away from him, his arms fold across his chest. “You’re sick, aren’t you?” He asks Lu Han, and he receives a laugh because Lu Han is happy he talks to him again.

 

“You’re ing sick and you travelled all the way here?!”

 

“I wanted to see you, Sehun,” Lu Han answers, and his heart aches as his name escapes his own mouth. “I’m dying, and I want to say goodbye. And sorry. I’m so ing sorry.”

 

Sehun breaks. Lu Han can tell by the choked sob that comes from his direction. Sehun wants to be strong, but he cannot. Because Lu Han left, and now, he’s leaving for good. “No hyung,” he whispers, “Don’t apologize for dying, please.” Lu Han notices the lisp that caused Sehun’s ‘please’ to sound like ‘pleathe’.

 

“I’m not, Sehun. I’m apologizing because I’m a ing coward.” Lu Han doesn’t admit that tears roll down his cheeks as soon as he feels a weight dip on the couch, and feels Sehun’s arms around his waist. “I’m sorry for not giving you the love you need.”

 

“If you could go back, what would you have done?”

 

Lu Han turns and wipes the tears on Sehun’s cheeks. He feels as though he’s one of the bullies who writes lampoon on Sehun’s locker, only he scribbles with permanent ink, something no one can erase. So he thinks he’s done being a coward and a , and he answers Sehun truthfully, “I think I would love you a little more than I did.”

 

 

✖

 

 

Lu Han is sick, and this time, he does not bother hiding it. It is day eight, so he sits on his bed, waiting for whatever that comes. Dani enters, her face apologetic, but Lu Han cannot be deceived. “I’m sorry, Han,” she bites her lip, “But I sorta contacted them, and they want to see you.”

 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol enter the room to greet Lu Han. Baekhyun smiles and crinkles replace his eyes, and Chanyeol flashes his teeth, and it brings Lu Han comfort he had long felt years ago. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Well, we’re visiting you, you bastard,” Baekhyun tells him. Chanyeol laughs and pats Lu Han’s hand, he sighs.

 

“You look ing gorgeous man,” Chanyeol says and Lu Han chuckles, nodding. “I know. Cancer looks good on me, doesn’t it?”

 

Laughter subsides and two of them sit in silence, Chanyeol remains standing and leaning on a wall, his arms folded across his chest. “I miss you two,” Lu Han admits, “I see you’ve made a fortune with that nonstop talking mouths of yours.”

 

“You can’t leave us, you ,” Baekhyun says. He doesn’t look at Lu Han, because it’s too painful. “You can’t just ing say hi to us after many years of disappearance, and say goodbye after a few minutes.”

 

“It doesn’t work that way hyung,” Chanyeol adds, “It shouldn’t work that way.”

 

Lu Han is calm. Calm because he’s experienced waves of sorrow, he’s been overboard, but it troubles him. It troubles him that he’s dragged so many people into the fire, the unquenchable fire that’s consuming him. He’s jumbled, and broken. But, today, he’s calm. “Believe me when I say that if I had any ing choice, I wouldn’t even think of leaving.”

 

Lu Han spends the day listening to Baekhyun and Chanyeol, laugh and smile, and be happy because they make him happy. When the two of them stand up to leave, Chanyeol asks, “So, is this the end?”

 

Lu Han nods, “This is the end.”

 

 

✖

 

 

“The transplant’s scheduled two days from now.”

 

Lu Han doesn’t look up to his girlfriend’s face, nor is he scared. But Dani notices, she always does. “You’re giving up, aren’t you?”

 

“How could you not? How can you be so infuriatingly optimistic when you know it’s not going to work?” Lu Han asks her. “I’ve given up two years ago, when they stopped the chemo, when they said it’s not going to work and that I should just mope around and wait for my deadline. I’m just doing this because of you,” he feels a twitch in his heart, but he continues, “Because I don’t want to see that miserable look on your faces when I didn’t try; you, Sehun, Baekhyun, Joonmyeon, Kyungsoo. But you all wouldn’t get mad at me because I’m dying, and who’s gonna be mad at someone dying and has about a week to live, right?”

 

“I didn’t count, you know,” Dani confesses after a dead silence, and it confuses him at first. “When the doctors said two years, I didn’t count. Because I’m scared. When you reach day one, what are we supposed to do? It’s like I’m anticipating you go, and I can’t do it, Han. I can’t do it.”

 

Lu Han isn’t done with his life. He’s twenty four, confused about the world, torn between singing and soccer. He used to think about life’s cruelty, how time traps you like a prison amidst all happy moments when you know it will end, someday. But the thing is: you don’t know when. Now, he accepts it, maybe the prison has bound you to cherish the memories and live, not suffer.

 

But Lu Han suffers. It’s day seven, he thinks, and he’s got a week to be with them.

 

A week too short.

 

 

✖

 

 

It’s day six, and Lu Han decides it’s time to ponder about his life. Not plan about it, because he’s already done that; not regret, because he’s a lifetime too late; but appreciate, to think over the life he’s lived, because he’s not getting much of it now.

 

Yixing should’ve been with him.

 

He should’ve been with Lu Han throughout the years because he would have protected him, like he always does and they would have sang in perfect harmony and Lu Han will be safe.

 

Yifan should’ve been there.

 

He should have been there hovering over Lu Han, because his presence is comfort enough and Lu Han would have been satisfied.

 

Huang Zitao should’ve stayed with Lu Han.

 

Zitao should have stayed with him so that they could eat perilla leaf together, and talk, just talk, because Zitao is precious, and with Zitao by his side, he would feel strong.

 

He’s met Kim Minseok once, but Lu Han thinks he should’ve been there all along.

 

Minseok should’ve been there so that he could brew Lu Han coffee every day and they would talk about Dani, because Lu Han doesn’t want her alone. Nobody deserves to be alone.

 

Joonmyeon should have been with Lu Han.

 

He should have been with Lu Han as he always did. He would have taken care of him, bring him for golf every weekend, cruise the world. He would have made Lu Han contented.

 

Byun Baekhyun should’ve been with him, he never should have left.

 

Baekhyun would’ve made it easier. He would have guided him, stayed with him and comfort him up. He would’ve joked; he would’ve made Lu Han smile.

 

Park Chanyeol should’ve been there to cheer him up during bad days.

 

Chanyeol’s presence makes him light; he would’ve secured a laugh on Lu Han’s face.

 

Kim Jongdae should have stayed with Lu Han.

 

He should’ve been with Lu Han because they made dreams together, and because he is broken. He’s ed up, and Lu Han should have protected him. Yes, Jongdae should have been with Lu Han because Lu Han would have made him happy.

 

On the other hand, Kyungsoo should have been with him.

 

He should’ve been with Lu Han because it has been the two of them from the start. He would have protected Lu Han against the world, against sadness, against depression, against cancer. He would have saved Lu Han.

 

Jongin should’ve been there for Lu Han.

 

He should have been there because that’s what defines him. He would have followed his hyung to the depths of the sickness, if he cannot take the cancer away, Jongin would have accompanied Lu Han throughout the ride.

 

But Oh Sehun should have been there the most.

 

He should have been there beside Lu Han because he’s never left. Lu Han thinks he’s Sehun’s Wendy, because he had to leave Sehun and grow up. But Sehun should have been there, and Lu Han was too late to see. To see that Sehun is his Wendy, and he is Peter Pan, because he didn’t grow up, he just escaped.

 

Sehun would have been his everything. Lu Han could have learned to love him.

 

But alas, Lu Han thinks, Dani was there for him. She was there for him since day seven hundred thirty; she brought Lu Han to Yixing, to Yifan, to Zitao. She accepted Lu Han’s test of manliness, even though she has a strong phobia of heights herself. She cooked him breakfast every day. She brought him to the best café in Korea. She contacted Baekhyun and Chanyeol. She contacted Sehun.

 

Lu Han knows he is in the right place, as he watched her beside him, and in a good place to die.

 

“I’m sorry.” Lu Han says. Dani looks up, a beautiful sculpture of lethargy and joy variegated in a person and Lu Han thinks it shouldn’t look that way. “Why are you sorry?”

 

“I’m sorry because I can’t love you enough.” The words are vague, Lu Han notices, as they cannot satisfy the aching desire to let her know what he feels. “I’m sorry because I can’t love you the way you love me. Maybe I could have. If I fought a little harder. If I chose not to alleviate because I just had to feel it. I had to feel it devouring me, eating my soul and I realized that the world isn’t the one ed up, it’s the cancer.

 

“And this, me, it’s been hard. Bad. ing bad because I don’t get to die alone; I die with a lot of people I love, and it because I spent the whole battle trying to get away but it’s all I ever asked for. An escape. Maybe it’s all I ever needed. Death is life’s way to alleviate.

 

“You’ve done so many things for me,” Lu Han tells her, and she looks up to him, “But I want you to do three more things. Please.”

 

“What is it?” Dani says at once.

 

“I want you to remember me. I’d die and go somewhere else, but, my memories wouldn’t. It’ll stay with me forever, and there, I will remember you. I don’t want you to remember me all the time, because you’d mourn, and I don’t want that. I don’t deserve it. But just,” Lu Han closes his eyes, because tears threaten to fall when he sees her tear-stricken face, but he urges, “just remember me at the end of your day. When the sun sets, ‘Lu Han’. Remember ‘Lu Han’. When you’re in bed, remember that I was part of your life. ‘Lu Han’. Remember him.”

 

He struggles, for words and air. “Second, I want you to make Sehun a part of your life. Be his friend, his sister. You can marry him if you want. He’s my greatest regret.”

 

“And I want you to give him the love he deserves. The love I failed to give him.”

 

He reaches for her hand, and he savours the warmth, because it’ll be cold out there, it’ll be lonely. He looks into her eyes, “I want you to be happy. Thank you for the adventure, I’ll stop here. Now go find another one.”

 

 

✖

 

 

On day five, Lu Han dies. The day is breaking, the sun creeps with a splash of golden yellow, eerie morning tenors of fatigued nurses resounds through the halls, and the silence of the room is resounding into a hundred decibels of bereavement and wastes into the thick cold air. His hand is cold, his lips are pale and chapped, and his heart is dead. Tears leave Dani’s eyes when she greets him a good morning, and his face looks peaceful. Very peaceful. Maybe it’s her fault. Maybe she should have counted the days.

 

She tells: Han’s parents, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin, Sehun. His body is removed. Dani breaks, maybe because she’s lost everything, maybe she’s lost that one person that keeps her strong. So she’s gone. She breaks because she’s been strong for so long.

 

 

✖

 

 

Dani stays in Sehun’s house. The silence is dead, because nothing fuels the air but sadness and grief. They both wonder how the loss of one person could cause a house to be so empty. Sehun wondered about it once, when Lu Han left him. Now, Dani wonders how empty it feels without him.

 

“Just so you know,” Sehun tells her, “I’m never mad because he left. Maybe he’s meant to be with you, because he loves you for some reason I cannot bring to understand.”

 

“He loves you,” Dani answers, “He loves you with a love I cannot grasp. Maybe that’s what makes us even.”

 

“Yeah,” Sehun smiles.

 

Dani smiles too, but it is empty. Maybe because Han completed her, but now there is nothing but a void on her chest, something she cannot cover, something that died along with Han. Maybe because Lu Han made her the most “Dani” she could possibly be.

 

She knows she would not find another adventure, because this one is enough for her to carry a lifetime. Because Lu Han, her sweet Lu Han gave her a lifetime when all he had were twenty five days. And maybe, just maybe, that’s enough adventure to live by.

 

 

✖