“I’m no good for you.”

She scoffed.

“I wish everyone would stop telling me what’s good for me.”

She was right, but this was how I had been forcing myself to feel. We were best friends first, who gradually realized we had feelings for each other. She opposed it initially, saying she didn’t want to “ruin our friendship”. I promised her that would never happen. She was always the smartest of us both. I hadn’t done much for myself. A bit of college that never amounted to getting a degree in anything specific. No full-time job, as playing in a local rock band with a few long time friends consumed majority of my time. Her, on the other hand, she was set to go to Japan for an intern job she was offered when she graduated.

She always had aspirations. She was living her dreams, while I had virtually achieved nothing. I had told her countless times how happy I was for her, but the truth was I feared falling behind as she surpassed me. Watching her go on with her life and eventually with someone new. I didn’t want to have to face this reality.

“Look at me.” she said.

I didn’t move.Throughout the argument, I focused on everything else besides her. The floor, ceiling, out the window, my fingers and so on. I couldn’t lie to her face. I wouldn’t.

“LOOK AT ME!” she yelled.

I slowly looked up, expressionless. All the while, hoping and praying that she wouldn’t see right through me and call me a liar.

It was storming outside that day. The room was relatively dark with the occasional beam of light escaping in from a lightning bolt in the sky. Lightning struck, the room lit up and I saw that she was staring directly at me with tears falling down her face.

I almost lost it. I felt my chest get heavy and my lips began to tremble. I shoved my hands into my pockets to keep myself from reaching out to her.

Her expression told me she wasn’t believing a word I was saying, but the words that came out said different. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you lately, but I can’t help if you don’t let me Yonghwa. I only have you and that’s all I want. Why you lost sight of this so suddenly, I don’t know that either. I hope this is temporary.”

I stayed silent.

“I love you.” she said in just above a whisper.

I crushed my lips together to keep from speaking, although in my head I was screaming how much I loved her too.

She picked up her purse off the table, grabbed her keys and headed for the door. She looked back at me once before she quietly shut the door closed.

I stood in the middle of the living room, frozen. It took everything inside me not to run after her and admit to her that it was all a lie. She was all that I wanted too. To tell her how much I loved her and was afraid of losing her to her success. But my feet felt like stones, my arms remained glued to my sides, a million things were running through my mind.

Go get her.

No, this is the way it has to be. It’s for the better, remember?

that, you love her, that’s all that matters!

.

Still, I did nothing.

I felt my back pocket vibrate. I reached for my phone and saw that she was calling me. I just stared at the screen, hoping she would end the call and wouldn’t wait for me to pick up. I knew if I talked to her I would give in, so I pressed ignore and placed my phone on the table.

I didn’t know this, but that was my last chance to make things right.

I hate myself for what I did. Truth
I hate her for ever coming into my life. False
I hate the person driving the car that killed her. False
I hate everyone who ev-

ZzZzZzZz

I snapped out of it. My phone was buzzing on the glass table. I didn’t bother to look at the ID before I picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hyung! Where are you?”

It was Jungshin.

“I’m home.”

The only place I had been for the past two weeks.

“Well, we’re all going out for a drink later. We want you to come.”

I was in no mood to go out in public.

“Jungsh-.”

“And before you tell me no, I want you to know that I’m not taking that for an answer.” He softened his voice. “We haven’t seen you since ... you know ... just please come okay? I’m sure you need a little fresh air.”

I opened my mouth to oppose, but decided that the least I could do was have a drink with them. I figured if I went out it would stop me from thinking about her.

I let out a sigh and then paused. “Alright.”

“Nice. I’ll be over in 20.” He hung up.

I took the battery out of the back of my phone and placed it onto the table. I didn’t want to be bothered by anyone else.

---

“Hyung, have you been eating?”

I didn’t have much of an appetite lately. I was too disgusted with myself. I was hardly sleeping, getting maybe a maximum of two hours of sleep a night. I didn’t want to sleep, because I knew if I did I would dream about her. Even so, I was so tired these days I was starting to dream with my eyes open.

I just continued to stare out the window as he drove.

“Yonghwa ... I can’t imagine how you feel, but you can’t beat yourself up over this. It’s not your fault.”

At that moment, I could’ve punched him in his face. And everyone else’s face who had said that to me since it happened. They had no idea. It was my fault. I told no one how I was feeling at the time, because I knew it was selfish. They would criticize me for being purposely distant from her, picking fights with her and all the other I had done.

It was all my fault.

I should’ve never let her leave the house that day. She was too upset to do anything, especially drive. In between it pouring rain outside and her being hysterical, she couldn’t focus. She passed a red light and a truck slammed into her side of the car. She died on impact.

“Yong, come on man, you got-.”

“Jungshin, please.” I said through clenched teeth.

He stared at me for a moment and then looked back onto the road.

I was never much of a believer, but I had been talking to God a lot lately. I didn’t think he would care enough to listen, but I tried. I was desperate. Since I didn’t have the nerve to do it myself, I tried making a pact with him. It was that if he brought her back and took me instead, I would accept it. I was the wrong one anyway, not her. He never answered and she’s not here, so I took that as a no. I’ve replayed that day so many times in my head. How much different it would be if I had never let her leave. If I had picked up her call. At this point, I’ll never forgive myself.

---

When we walked inside the bar, I saw Minhyuk and Jonghyun sitting to the far right in a booth, there was a few empty shot glasses on the table.

“How could you guys start without us!” Jungshin hissed.

They looked up, both with smiles that shortly turned into surprised looks. I didn’t know if it was because Jungshin sounded so pissed or because they noticed how frail and pale I had become. I guessed the latter.

Jonghyun stood up and squeezed my shoulder. I patted his back and gave him a weak smile. He gestured for me to sit. I slid in and Minhyuk reached his fist out from across the table for me to pound.

At first, the atmosphere was awkward. As we waited for our drinks, no one really spoke. Minhyuk was playing a game on his phone, Jonghyun kept looking around the bar and Jungshin looked extremely frustrated as he shot glances at both of them. He finally broke the ice and began to tell us about a bass guitar he bought and how it was so expensive, but how well it played and ...

I tuned him out eventually.

I stared at the alcohol I swirled around inside my glass. I lost count how many I had had before this. I just know, I was starting to feel really relaxed. Numb. I looked up and saw that my friends, if not already, were on the verge of intoxication. They were laughing, clapping and probably forgetting. That’s the problem with alcohol. The sting it gives you feels good at first and it helps you forget for a while, but the issue is that that high is only temporary. It only last for a moment just to permanently bring you back to your reality.

I thought I heard my phone ring, but between a mix of the people around me and the music playing in the bar, I thought I was just hearing things.
Then I heard it again, but the song playing sounded familiar. This time I really couldn’t tell if this was the music from the speakers or my phone itself.

I reached inside the pocket of my hoodie and saw that an unknown number was calling me, but the ringtone that played was the ringtone I had set for her in my phone. Either this was real or the alcohol was making me delusional.

I stared at the screen intensely. What the hell is this?

“Hello?”

“I really can’t believe you, I know your keeping something from me.”

It felt like a huge knot developed in my throat and kept me from speaking. My heart was racing, my mouth gaped open and I’m sure at that moment I looked like I had seen a ghost.

It was her.

Her voice was on the other end of the line. This has to be the alcohol.

“Damnit Yonghwa, talk to me!” she shrieked.

“.... Hyun?”

“What?” she answered.

My hands were shaking so much, I almost dropped my phone into a glass.

It was really her. Was it? Or was this some kind of sick ing joke someone was playing on me. No, this was impossible. She died two weeks ago. I watched them bury her. How could she call-

“Baby, please tell me whats wrong.” I heard her say.

“Hold on.” I replied.

I tapped Jonghyun on his shoulder and mouthed to him “Let me out.” He nodded and slid out of the booth.

I couldn’t have been that drunk because I was able to make it from my seat to the door without tripping over anything. Oh my god, this is real.

I ran through the doors into the street. It was raining.

The adrenaline in my body was pumping, I found myself trying to catch my breath.

“Please tell me. Did I do something?” her voice was shaky. I could tell she was fighting back tears.

It felt like time slowed down. The people across the street looked like they were walking in slow motion along with the cars passing by, but my heart felt like it was going to burst out my chest.

“Baby no, its me. It’s always been me. I’m so sorry!” I cried. Tears were starting to fall down my face.

She was silent.

“Hyun, where are you?”

“Outside.” she said faintly.

I looked to my left and my right, up and down the street. The rain falling mixed with my tears had slightly blurred my vision. “Outside where?” I asked.

“Outside your apartment! Where else?” she hissed back at me.

“Ok, baby, I’m coming. Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

“No.” she said.

“W-What? What do you mean no?”

“I can’t see you right now, I need to be alone.”

“Hyun, no, listen to me, you can’t go any-”

“I’ll talk to you later, bye. I love you.” She clicked.

“Seohyun! No baby, don’t go!” I screamed into the phone.

I heard the dial tone. “No, no, no, no.” I said to myself as I frantically pressed the redial button to call her back, but it was an unknown number. I couldn’t call her back.

My tears were falling harder then ever now and I kept saying, “I love you, I love you so much” to the black screen in hopes that she might hear me.

I felt so weak, to the point of almost passing out. I dropped to my knees and placed my palms onto the wet street. My entire body was shaking. I was choking on my sobs and trying to catch my breath at the same time.

I heard footsteps behind me. Jungshin came up and grabbed my shoulders sitting me up.

“Hyung, what the ?! Are you trying to die?!” he yelled.

I dropped my head down as he gripped my shoulders. I heard Minhyuk and Jonghyun run up beside me.

“It was her ... I spoke to her Jungshin.” I said faintly, as I raised my head and my hand with my phone clutched tightly inside.

“Spoke to who? Who are you talking about?

“Hyun ... Seohyun.” I whispered.

He looked scared. He was slightly shaking his head as his eyes were wandering my face. He glanced up at Minhyuk and Jonghyun who looked like they were in shock.

“Hyung ... Yonghwa ... that’s i-impossible. She died.”

“No, no, she didn't, here look.” I shoved my phone into his chest as I put my hands behind my head and rubbed my fingers through my wet hair.

He pressed a few buttons and then flipped the phone over and shot his head up with a confused expression.

“There is no battery in here hyung. You couldn’t have spoken to anyone.”

I just stared at him. What is he talking about? I know what I just did and I spoke to her. I couldn’t have drank that much, but then I looked at my phone. He was right, the battery was gone. I had left it at home. The phone was dead.

I was dreaming.

So I guess God did answer me, not in the way I wanted, but he did answer. He let me have that last chance and speak to her, even though it didn’t change the outcome. He was going to keep her and let me stay. My punishment?

I was a victim of my imagination.