Sehun's at the train station waiting patiently for his transportation on the lane to head home after a long day of school crap that he just desperately wants to lay everything off once he get to bed. his phone vibrates, as he pulls it out he receives a text from Lu Han which was typically unusual since the majoring law student has been always busy dealing with a lot of crappy loads of paper works.

 

So, this is new, he slides up the phone and reads.

 

Lu Han: Sehunnie!~ are you free tonight? :)

 

Sehun: Hey hyung, what's up? :)

shortly the train arrives while he was busy texting on and wonders by his hyung bothered texting. But, somehow he has a bad feeling in his gut about what he's about to know. Lu Han just replied in the matter of seconds

Lu Han: Remember the drinking night I told you about that was suppose to be tomorrow.Well... Jongin wants it tonight. Don't worry, lil dongsaeng it's just gonna be at my place. ;)

before even intending to reply back Sehun wonders if it's really a good idea to drink when you have a freaking long ed up quiz to deal with "Nutrition" tomorrow since the damn witch professor hasn't attend her class straight in two perspective weeks and to the solution this is what she pays back with her . But, what the hell he hasn't had a drink in awhile and just might skip the morning's first class as well and by then his phone rings instead of getting a text.

"Hyung?"

 

"So,what about it hunnie?" Lu Han asks with his cherry tone on the the other line.

 

"Hyuuuung,........how many times do I have to tell you -"

before he even bother finishing his sentence about the fact that "hunnie" is an annoying name and his dumb airhead hyung must stop calling him that since they ain't six year olds no more he gets cut.

 

 

"Yes or No?, come ooon hunnie~ it's been months since I've last seen you and you haven't seen Jongin since like highschool or what? plus, he's the one bringing the boozes."Sehun can just sense his hyung grinning by that so, he just gives up.

 

"Fine, Hyung be there in 15 minut-" and he hears the train operators announcing just at his right stop to drop off.

 

"nevermind, make that 5"

 

"See you hunnie!"~ and ends the call

 

he arrives at Lu Han's wide backyard and gets a painfully crushed hug that he can't hardly breathe and soon enough his hyung let's him go and drags him off to the picnic mat settled on the green grass below where jongin was sitting.

 

 

"Hey" Jongin greets and Sehun just made an awkward smile as a respond with "Hi"

 

"I'll get the shot glasses upstairs while you guys keep talking". says Lu Han and left seconds passing by and the silence of the night surrounds them. soon enough maybe out of boredom Jongin pulls out a pack of Marbolo menthol in his pocket takes a stick and lights it,a drag and inhales the nicotin supplement.He sees Sehun observing by glances so he takes the pack in his hand again offering him.

 

"Thanks, but i'm all good" Sehun waves it off and says he needs to take a break from it anyway. Jongin just lays on the mat outstretched face tilted upwards at the starless night sky and exhales the toxic out.

 

"It is good to take a break from everything." Jongin says still looking blankly at the sky. "Sometimes, I can't control myself once I've start holding cancer stick between my fingers. Jongin admits and turns to look at Sehun who stares back.

 

"I do too as well. But, I can take control of it if I want too."Sehun says back.

 

"That's nice" Jongin says forming a sad smile that made Sehun blush in a slightly possible manner and gazes away.

 

"How much do you take in a day?" Sehun asks looking somewhere else.

 

"20 or maybe less I guesss." Jongin answers

 

"My Dad takes 60 a day. so, I guess you're all better" Sehun confesses looking back at Jongin who's startled and now sitting up

 

"No, bro! Seriously?" Jongin asks eyebrows furrowed as if it's something unbelievable.

 

"Yup" Sehun nods "plus, he's an illegal dealer with alcohol, he asks them to make the pure ones like the vodka perhaps. Sehun tells as he sees how Jongin awes about the news.

 

"That's cool, wished I was able to meet your dad back then,"Jongin hoped.

 

Sehun practically snorts and laughs it off for it wasn't really something amazing or surprising that his Dad deals with bull stress every single day just to live himself up for ing college. And then that feeling hits him again, depressive thoughts eating him just as soon Lu Han comes grasping the sides of tray of shot glasses delicately and a bowl of Doritos or Lays perhaps then plops down on the mat with both of them.

“Sorry it took awhile in there had to look where I kept the last of the junks.”Lu Han says “

 

So, Dude” he glances at Jongin to inform him about the boozes, Sehun sees Jongin scrambling around his bag to just bring out two big three liter bottles of beer that made him shoot daggers at Lu Han because he knows how much his friend here doesn’t like some BLANT-TASTELESS-BITTER BEER running through his taste buds that flows down his throat.

 

“I’ve got some bottles of soju upstairs” Lu Han declares and smiles

 

 

“ugh, not that sick pentel marker taste again, it makes me puke just by looking at it” Sehun whines at his hyung who ignores him and just stoods up,rans back up again to get the bottles of soju,

 

“Don’t tell me you’ve actually tasted pentel? Like sharpie you mean?” Jongin laughs a curve forming up his lips.

 

“Uhhhh,…nope I haven’t I just thought that maybe it tasted like a pentel just by smelling it.” Sehun begs to differ his fact on pentel markers on soju.

 

 

“God, just home much Sharpies and other type of pentels do you inhale Oh Sehun.” Jongin says and they both laugh it off like idiots and their hyung comes again carrying the bottles in his hand gently and asks what they were laughing their asses about.

 

 

 

 

It feels like seconds, minutes or hours passed by and Oh Sehun doesn’t even realize that he feels a little slightly dazed out comparing to the two persons in front of him murmuring s he couldn’t even understood. Lu Han transforms into some loud oblivious side when he drinks too much in short his other personality appears and till now it’s that worse yet not until when Jongin speaks.

 

“I hate my life” Jongin declares and Sehun thinks he knows where this conversation is going.

 

"I’m a ed up piss of who doesn't know what he wants" Jongin states while they’re all laying there in the blue checkered place mat staring at the dark empty sky.

 

“I know how it feels.” Sehun grumbles and Jongin hears it

 

“But, maybe mostly because I hate my parents out of it, you know?” Jongin tells them and they just wait silently to tell that specific reason.

“I mean, why they would waste their entire life so much on some useless son who can't do anything right anyway?” Jongin speaks and this time Lu Han answers

“Because they ing love you moron” Lu Han tells voice hoarse making a silent chuckle “even if you don’t deserve it.” And finishes it.

 

“It’s funny how when you care for someone more than they deserve, you get hurt more that you deserve even when your doing nothing.” Sehun says feeling that choke of pain starting swirl around your neck as if it strangles on it’s own, they stay quiet for awhile.

 

 

 

“Sehun-ah, I dropped out of college.” Jongin confesses still looking blank at the empty dark vast and he can tell that Sehun’s looking at his direction. Luhan stayed quiet typically he knew about the situation before he did .

 

Jongin remembers and tells us the moment he got separated from his loved ones the friends who’ll he will always sees as his only family when his dad got promoted and they had the move out of town. he tells us that his entire life shatters after that, he kept on shutting people out for the good reason of missing the people who brought him happiness. Two years after that he enters college, changed into something liberal, started smoking pots, cuts classes that he finds a waste of time and goes home early to just sleep it off. His life was indeed an entire mess, Sehun starts to feel the salty liquid on his lips that flows out of his eyes, it’s been a long time since he last cried. He sees Lu Han wrap his long fragile arms heads down around his knees. and everything hurts again.

 

Sehun recalls the time that Lu Han says Jongin has better and higher abilities in education comparing to him

 

“It hurts when some people think your perfect.” Lu Han sobs underneath his arms. Not fully aware that Sehun lays his hand flat on his hyung’s back rubbing some circles to at least comfort him even if it was just a bit.

 

Lu Han invades back to the thoughts where sorrow fills him up, and agony surrounds him. People thought of Lu Han as a perfect human being around his campus with the entire accomplished straight A grades of rainbow he gets from different subjects. But, what loathes him is when people encircles him with praiseful words as if his some God who fell from heaven.

 

“Some people don't get that I do these things even if I don’t want too.” Lu Hans says still unable to stop his verge of tears “I’m not perfect, I never was.” This was a crappy year for him he says his grades were rather going below instead of what his parents expect.

 

It’s misery everyday when he thinks that people likes him just because of his looks and talent, he feels nauseated. His parents tell that he can go higher than what his showing, when he really couldn't. Sehun considers that no one is perfectly born the way God made them to be. Unfortunately he’s disappointed with himself too. This time he was clearly unstable to stop tears departing from his eyes while both are sulking theirs as well. Nineteen years of his life, he’s grown up pretty well by a great and hard working family. Like Jongin he has some failures but, he always turns them around by the end. Sometimes, he envy’s Lu Han for being a great and a perfect son for parents who sees high expectation for their children.

 

But, his worse than everyone think he is

 

 

No one knows that Oh Sehun has anxiety attacks to deal with and he always gives in to everything and everyone.

 

Like a whip that stings right at his back by his own doing. That’s how he made pain because he thinks his worthy for it as he imagines. Sehun is not like Lu Han who consciously needs to study all day and tire his eyes out every night too to get the flawless ace grades. In an opposite view he does study but, (when he wants too)

Instead, he attends classes next day telling his college mates that he wasn’t able to study because he much preferred League of Legends than Physics and quizzical headaches of useless measurement that he needs to solve.

Maybe it’s faith when he thinks his surrounded by angels like Kyungsoo who helps him out on World literature with Shakespeare or Jongdae who’s such a great at Korean History and Yifan who’s a perfect fluent motherer in English. And he just pass it out all just like that

 

It’s annoying sometimes when you think that people supports you by words when they don’t know that they’re actually crushing you down by dropping heavy responsibilities in on to your shoulder and now you think of lifting the entire world with both your arms and It’s going to slip any second. It’s pressure that destroys him because he thinks of every possible conflict he has to fix. But then it turns into a big scribble in his mind that he can’t clear.

 

So he does what he still can do for the remaining confidence he has left. He takes a grip and slowly holds onto Lu Han’s hand with his right and Jongin’s at his left, he felt those mournful eyes on him but, he doesn’t look at both instead he gazes up at the dusky nightfall it’s sad he thought that they missed that shooting star just passed by and closes his eyes and whispers.

 

“We’ll make it.” And all of sudden it started snowing

 

 

                                                  Together, we struggle to find meaning