The next morning i woke up with a slight headache. The last episode of exo showtime was over, and it was time for us to start preparing a little for our next comeback, but at the same time we were supposed to prepare for shows where we were going to do special stages of growl and wolf. I knew this was going to be a hellish time, with minimun sleeping and overworking our bodies. And i was very worried about that. I knew that Zitao, Yixing and Jongin easily could hurt themselves, and i didn't want that to happen. I had never gotten hurt and because of that i felt like i didn't practice enough. I was lacking a lot in dance, and i knew i would have to work harder. our next comeback dance would be fierce, i knew that, and i didn't want to mess it up. I knew that Chen would never mess it up. He would keep smiling and be amazing no matter what he did. Buth that was the problem. I.Was.Not.Chen.

we ate breakfast quickly and then we went doing lots of different things. A radio program, dance training and then vocal training for me, and then we had a stage with growl and then we ate a little and then it was dance training again. We did the dance over and over again, and each time i just got more desperate. I couldn't help but looking around me and see that everybody else had improved a lot, even The leaders of Exo, and they weren't the greatest dancers. Everyone had improved except me. Each time i tried it just got worse and worse, i bumped into everyone and stepped about three times on Zitao's foot. At the end of the practice i felt the need to just curl up in a corner and cry. Why couldn't i just improve like everybody else? And it wasn't just dancing i was lacking in. Minseok's chinese had gotten a lot better over the weeks, but i still had trouble with the prononciation. My singing seemed to be worse than ever as well, in my ears i just sounded weird. And I hated it. Why couldn't just Jongdae pull his together, why couldn't I? I was sure Chen would never have a problem with it. But again, I may use the name Chen, and I may pretend to be amazing and strong, but i wasn't. I was never good enough.

And because of all those thoughts running through my head at every waking hour i had, i started to stay behind to practice when everyone else went home to rest. The only one who stayed behind except me was Zitao, who was working furiously with his wushu, and sometimes Yixing or Jongin to help me with the dancing. But i didn't want the help. What if they would get hurt again because of me, because they stayed behind to help me get the steps right? And i knew that Chen just smiled and accepted the help, since he knew that he needed it, but inside I, Jongade, was screaming. Screaming for them to go home and rest, to not stay behind and work with me. They would just end up getting hurt. And after a while jongin stopped helping, maybe he noticed that i didn't like it when he did, or maybe it was Kyungsoo who told him to stop. The big eyed boy worried a lot about Jongin. And i was pretty jealous about that. It would be nice to have someone worry about me as well somtimes. To have him worry about me. To have Yixing worry. or at least notice that i was dying inside. That every part of my body just wanted to lay down and disapear.

And it didn't get better. It only got worse. As time passed we started woring with the new dance and song, and i had been right in my thoughts. The dance was though. incredolously tough. And by some reason i danced at front in some parts of the dance. Because everyone decided that Cen could handle dancing in front sometimes as well. He did seem to have gotten a little better lately. And sure, chen had gotten a lot better. But not Jongdae. Jongdae was still lacking. I was still lacking in dancing and singing and god knew what else. And i hated it. Because no one saw it. No one saw the crumbiling Jongdae inside of me, everyone just saw the smiling Chen. The amazing Chen. And god, i had to try. I couldn't break down yet. Not yet. I had to make everyone proud and happy. They had been preparing for this comeback for a long time, been waiting for it. We all knew how amazing the songs was, and how fun it would be to sing them. The work was tough, but the reward was the joy of our fans. I knew that, and i wanted it. Even if i felt like this was what i wanted to do. I wanted to make people happy with my singing. Because if others was happy, then i would be happy. Then Chen would be happy. And Jongdae too, actually. So i just had to wait a little bit more. I just had to push Jongdae back inside of me for a little while longer, and let Chen take control. Because chen could do this. But i couldn't.

Author's note:

Hey everybody. Next chapter is up. I know it's pretty short but i am still trying to explane for you all what jongade is feeling. But next chapter you will get some action between Xingdae, i promise. I really hope you like it.

Until next time:)