The day i started to hate the word Chen was just like any other day. We had just ended another episode of Exo showtime and we were heading back to dorm. It had been a while since i first started to dislike the name. But let me be clear, it wasn't the name itself i disliked, it was that everybody just seemed to forget that there was another person hiding inside that name. A person nothing like Chen.

Chen is outgoing and easy, he can make everybody laugh. He always knows what to say and is never angry. Jongdae on the other hand, he isn't like that. I am not like that. I am insecure and quiet, and i never seem to find the right things to say. I like sitting alone listening to music and just forget that i exist. I like to disapear into another world, to be another person. A person more like Chen.

And then maybe it sounds weard to say that i don't like the name of the person i actually want to be like, but that's just how it is. Zitao was the first one to call me of my stagename when we were of stage, and it annoyed me. He just looked at me one day, saying, "Hey, you want to go eat something later on with me, Chen?"

i remember that my whole body froze. He called me Chen. He didn't call me of my real name, he didn't say Jongdae. Why? Why would he call me Chen?

I guess that was when the thoughts first started to form. That maybe Zitao called me Chen because he liked Chen better, and just thought Jongdae was someone unimportant. But i tried to shake those thoughts of. They were silly after all. He probably just called me Chen because he himself did not have any trouble being called Tao, and Chen was most likely easier for him to say, since his korean wasn't that good. So i just shrugged the fact that he had called me of my fake name, he had called the name of the fake me, and just smiled at him and answered, "Sure, Zitao. Why not."

But then it got worse. Zitao i could forgive, but when Luhan started to call me Chen things got harder. Luhan was the one of the chinese members with best korean, so the reason he called him Chen was not because he had trouble saying it. I knew that, since Luhan said my name corectly from the first the i met him. So when he called me Chen it hurt a lot more. And the thoughts came back. If Luhan called me Chen, maybe it was true what i first though. Maybe they didn't like Jongdae, and tried telling me by calling me Chen. Tried indirectly to tell me to be more like Chen, and less like Jongdae. Because Jongdae was boring. I am boring.

And then one after one, the members slowly started to call me by my stagename. It didn't matter if we were home or on stage, the name they called was Chen. And i, thinking they wanted the personality of Chen, i started to be like him all the time. I just smiled on stupidly wherever we where, and i never let them see the pain i felt in my heart when they called me Chen.

But i still didn't hate the name, even after all those thoughts. Sometimes it was nice to just maintaine the fake personality, since that personality was much easier than my own. And there was still one person that called me Jongdae. The person that i have loved since the end of our trainee days. the person called Yixing.

Yixing is everything i never will be. Even when he is Lay, he is just the same as he always is. There is not difference in personalities. And that is the thing i love about him the most. He is not fake, like me. He is real. Everything about him is real.

And because of the fact that Yixing still called me Jongdae was the thing that kept me from breaking completely. When everybody started saying Chen, he still said Jongdae. He always said Jongdae. And even if i never showed any emotions about it, inside i was squealing of joy. Because the person i loved most in the world still called me Jongdae.

But i guess that that brings us back to where we were when i begun this story. To us in the car going back to dorm. I was really tired, and i just wanted to go inside my shared room with Yixing and sleep, maybe for a week or more. Those were my only thoughts as i entered our dorm, those and the thoughts of saying goodnight to yixing, which was my favorite part of the day. Because everytime there i said good night Yixing, there would be a soft Good night Jongdae back. And that was the thing that every day kept me from breaking, to hear that little Good night every night.

But this night was different. I had just entered my bed, and just a few minutes later Yixing joined me in his bed, turning of the lights. And as he did i made myself comfortable and then opened my mouth;

"Good night Yixing ge"

At first there was no answer, but then i heard soft as usual;

"Good night Chen."

And that was the moment i really started to hate the name Chen. Because even the person i loved the most prefered him over me.

Authors note;

DADAM!! First chapter is written. I am so sorry if it was a bit confusing, but i really hope you guys liked it! I will try to update whenever i can, and please leave a comment with feedback if you have some. I am new at this, and could always use some advice:)