*Read Author's Note after Story to Find out More*

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Kyungsoo prays that the news he is hearing isn't true. He can't handle this. It feels like everything around him is shattering, crumbling, and dissolving at once. He can't do this. He has the need to cling and beg.

But he should've known this day would come.

Kris is Chinese. There were three other Chinese members as well, the other trainees had always known their company had a plan to launch a boy group that could reach China with a sense of familiarity.

Four Chinese members, and two spots for Koreans to fill in and be the link between the two countries.

The second Kyungsoo had heard this news, he'd tried. He'd tried and then failed.

Minseok was selected. Jongdae volunteered like a saint. Kyungsoo could feel his knees go weak and the terror crept up on him like a hypnotizing spell. Just thinking about all the nights he'd have to figure out a way to sleep. All of the endless nights he'd lay in his bed, listening to the surrounding noises blare and scream at him and make his heart run like crazy.

_____

It had been a problem when he'd moved out of his home and in to the dorms with the other trainees. Without the sound of his mother's...essence....Kyungsoo couldn't sleep. He grew tired very quickly and soon enough he was pale and scary looking. The fatigue was strong and made him nap in the middle of the day instead of socialize with the others. Because he couldn't fall asleep at night, he passed out from exhaustion during the day.

It became a problem. The other trainees whispered about the boy who was rude and didn't talk to anyone, who didn't dance as hard or practice singing as long. Kyungsoo was a slacker, a loner by choice, and everyone knew it.

That was, until Kris made his way in to Kyungsoo's life.

He'd noticed the Chinese boy before, how could you not? He was the tallest out of all of them and he had a pinched face with fierce eyes. But he and Kyungsoo hadn't really gotten a chance to talk that much. Kris stuck with the Chinese members mostly and Joonmyeon. He got a long really well with Chanyeol who was another giant, and he was rather quiet when talking wasn't necessary for him.

But overall he was normal. He smiled, laughed, ate, practiced, and socialized just like all of the other guys. Although he never joined in when they picked at Kyungsoo. No. He was kind.

Joonmyeon was named to be the leader for the time being, although he wasn't the oldest he had trained the longest and he was more advanced than any of them. And as soon as he got the title he started acting like it, and that included pulling Kyungsoo in to the circle of members. Kyungsoo was a part of them damn it and he would make sure everyone knew it.

The first time they touch is at the small noodle place down the block from the dorms. It's cramped with all 12 of them there. A lot of people are already drunk or on their way there, including Kris. He towers next to Kyungsoo and makes him feel small.

“S'okay Soo.” Kris smiles with a tint of red on his nose. Kyungsoo doesn't want to admit he really enjoys that new nickname. “I know you’re just tired. You need sleep man. Sleep is a good thing ya know?” his words are slurred but they're right on target. Steady and right there, it’s like he's been watching Kyungsoo the whole time and only chose then to speak up.

With a few beers in him he finds himself wrapped in Kris, they're walking back to the dorms, stumbling with each other and giggling like idiots. But the taller keeps him steady, keeps him close and his hands are perfect anchors to keep him grounded.

“Snuggle buddy,” Kris sighs while flopping on to Kyungsoo's bed, waving a finger at said man, “C'mere and we gonna snuggle buggle.” and the man looks so serious. He can't resist and climbs in to the bed. It's not weird, some of the other members are cuddling together on the couch with drunken smiles, others passing out alone and some are doing questionable things on beds in different rooms.

“I'm gonna take care of Soo, cuz Soo snot takin cerr of himself like he should ya know Soo? S'mportant.”

And Kris' large hands presses Kyungsoo's face to his chest. Holds him there and coos at him like an infant who is fussy. And he can't mind it, because he hears it.

The deep thump in Kris' chest.

It's like everything is coming together, forming, becoming whole again.

“Sleep Soo.” the sigh is warm breath with a tint of beer cascading down over his eyelids.

The thump is what rocks him to sleep. Steady thump, so steady and calm it makes all the nerves and anxiety Kyungsoo had built up disappear like they were never there. And he's sane again.

_____

But he can feel the sanity seeping away, dripping with every piece of clothing that Kris folds up and puts in his suitcase. They'll be gone for a few months, promoting in China. The managers had met with everyone and made the finalized plans, given them their group names and stage names, given them the brief plans for the next few months.

Kris was the leader of the Chinese group, which meant he would be traveling with them and start promotions on their singles coming out. There'd be lots of concerts, fan meeting, interviews, and press conferences.

But there would be a ton of sleepless nights for Kyungsoo. A lot of laying and breathing, listening and wishing, and not sleeping because he needed that sound now. The panic was causing his head to swim with the horrible idea of not sleeping with out that precious thump and pulse of blood with in Kris' chest. He was terrified.

For the last few months he and Kris had become 'snuggle buddies' before bed time. It wasn't abnormal. Tao and Sehun did similar things before and after practice, as in lay all over each other while sharing snacks. Kris and Kyungsoo just hugged for a very long time on the couch before Joonmyeon called it a night for everyone. And by then he was okay because the beat was still in his head and he was quick to hop under his covers and keep it racing through his mind until he fell asleep.

But now...

“Don't worry Soo, you'll be fine. Keep in touch though! We'll see each other soon enough!” Kris smiles nicely and rolls his suitcase away.

The six members destined for China leave after their last goodbyes, everyone wishes them good luck and to stay strong, that they'd all meet up in a few months and become one awesome group together.

He's gone. The door slams closed loudly and Kyungsoo feels like he's going to be sick.

Kyungsoo bolts from his spot and ignores Joonmyeon's concerned yell after him. His feet carry him down the hallway, he shoves past Jongdae and Minseok, and the three others get out of his way before he rams in to them too.

It's like Kris was waiting for him. The leader is already turned around and arms hugging him tight. Kyungsoo demands his own heart calm down so he can listen. Just once more.

So steady, so calm, so Kris. Kyungsoo can't keep a hold on his sanity without this heart.

____

His manager buys him sleeping pills, they help a whole lot. But he wakes up drowsy and feels stuffy all day. They try out different types but none of them help. He feels more tired than he does when lacking sleep. The days tick by and each night is terrible. Every hour is slow and he yearns so badly he starts crying himself to sleep on purpose. If he makes his body exhausted, it will pass out.

Joonmyeon demands everyone call him Suho, his stage name is important.

Chanyeol won't stop following Kai around (stupid stage names) like a puppy dog.

Sehun is a little who likes to play stupid pranks, immature ones like tying Kyungsoo's shoelaces together so that when he gets up from dinner he almost falls.

He spends a lot of time pressing his ear to a surface and tapping on it, trying to find the right base so it makes a similar thump.

Jongin seems to understand him, after a lot of watching him carefully, and suddenly one night lays down on Kyungsoo's bed and pats his chest.

“Try it.” he offers.

Kyungsoo pales because he didn't think anyone knew. He tries. It doesn't work. Kyungsoo kind of feels sorry it didn't, but Jongin just frowns and tries to find a way. They don't, so it’s back to sleeping pills.

It's been almost four months and he thinks he's going to lose his mind.

“D.O, cheer up. Kris is coming home tomorrow.” Baekhyun smirks with knowing. He always knows before anyone else does including Suho. So he decided to drop that bomb on Kyungsoo during the preparing of breakfast.

The spoon he's using to stir the boiling chicken is dropped and splatters hot water everywhere. He yelps from the burning to his palm and Baekhyun grabs a damp cloth and covers the slightly wounded hands. They wait a few minutes and Kyungsoo is okay.

He stares at his band member with awe and hope, asking the unasked question.

“Manager told me, tomorrow. Before six o'clock, he'll be home for dinner. Be happy okay?” and he gives this cheeky grin and a sleazy wink. Kyungsoo can't bring himself to care. Kris is coming home. The anticipation is sweet.

____

It's like everything is coming together, forming, becoming whole again. Kyungsoo's nerves are on fire and he hasn't slept a wink. This was all he could think about. All day and night. Kris was returning and he can't wait to hear it. The sweet melody of peace and calm. His everything. He'd never realized how much he needed it, craved it, until this very moment.

Kris walks through the door last like a good leader, making sure every member is inside first, and he looks tired but content with being back. His sweatpants are low and his hoodie is loose.

And a sudden thought occurs in Kyungsoo's mind; was Kris as excited to see him, as he was to see Kris?

Then more came; Did Kris even care? Was he excited to see another member more? Why did Kyungsoo care about any of that?

Anxiety build, bubbles over and Kyungsoo thinks he's going to be sick.

Someone is trying to be funny and teases Kris, about Kyungsoo, about how the two snuggle buddies are finally united again. Kris glances up from setting down his suitcase and looks straight at him, eyes precise and unwavering. Kyungsoo's lips tremble as he's hugged and he has to fight to not cry in front of the other members because they'll know something is up. In the background there is laughter and a few smart jokes, but he hears Jongin telling them to back off and not be jerks. He's a good friend.

It's like Kris knows already, like he understands and he's been watching Kyungsoo be tormented by lack of sleep for the past months. Almost as if Kris knows how much he was needed back in Kyungsoo's bed. His own heart is beating rapidly as Kris threads their fingers together and casually slides them both past the others. They're too busy greeting and sharing stories to notice.

“Missed you Soo.” Kris sighs, “A lot.”

Kyungsoo wants to reply and tell him he did too, that he's been suffocating and yearning and crying for this man's heart to be close again. For this man, just him actually, if he really thinks about it. But he doesn't get a chance to. Kris' lips are warm and steady, calm and collected. Kyungsoo snakes his hands up the taller's chest and links them around the slim neck.

Kris kisses like his heartbeat. So steady. So perfect. This man matters, he is the matter that makes Kyungsoo breathe easier and mold against the tall body like glue falling against paper.

“S'okay.” the reassurance is soft and so are the hands combing through his hair. Kyungsoo is in heaven. How is it that Kris is reassuring him, yet he doesn't even know what's wrong? But he doesn't question it, he accepts it. Kris knows. Kris cares. Kris calms. “I'm here.”

He definitely knows. To what extent, it doesn't matter. But he knows, and he understands and he accepts. Kyungsoo is thankful and does what he's been craving.

There it is, the heart beat is steady and his sanity is blossoming like a flower in winter. All the distance and isolation melt away with the warmth of Kris. He is a lullaby, melody, cure and everything Kyungsoo has cried over in the past months. He is an anchor holding Kyungsoo down and keeping him close. He accepts his own feelings. That is wasn't just the heartbeat he needed, but this man. The calm man who understands and looks at him with unwavering eyes. Who noticed him and told him it was okay, that he was there for him. He needed Kris.

“Sleep Soo.”

He does, and peacefully so.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

There will be a second part, I will add it tomorrow, thank you to whomever took the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed ^^

-Porter
 

Tumblr

Other Stories