No matter how hard I clench my jaw, or ball up my fists – no matter how hard I try, nothing will stop my heart from bleeding – not even you, the one that it once beat for. Only you.

I tread lightly to your doorstep, my heels clicking beneath the pavement. I grip the invitation in my hand, wanted to crush it with force, stomp on it, rip it up, burn it.
The day that I received that invitation, my world came down around it. My smiles became tears and my sleeves became tissues – this was because of you, the one I loved and once cherished.

I hesitate, knocking on the door, barely hard enough. I wonder if you can hear me? If you can’t hear my knock, can you hear my heart thumping in my chest, the tears welling in my throat, the gritting of my teeth? Can you hear my voice tremble as I whisper congratulations?
If you can’t then I wish you would.

When you greet me at your door, you look so handsome. You’ve always been handsome. I remember when I saw you for the first time – I couldn’t stand, my legs trembled, my hands shook.
Nothing’s changed, I still have to keep my balance and stop my head from spinning when I see your charming face, your kind eyes and your warm smile.

Despite my fake smile, you welcome me in, your voice is warm and welcoming – like always.
My voice is weak and unsure and I’m doing all I can to not cry. I want to cry, I need to cry, but you are no longer mine to cry over. I still long to hold you in my arms, to tell you everything, but you are no longer mine to hold.

But then again, you never mine. You were always hers.

You ask me how I’ve been, and if I’ve been eating well. I smile and lie, and say that I’ve never been better. You smile, and say that you’re glad to hear I am doing well. But that is just it, I’m not doing well. I can’t do well, I’ll never be well again.
As for yourself, how are you. I ask and you laugh, scratching the back of your head. You tell me you’re nervous and you need someone to help you choose a suit.

You never needed help dressing yourself; you always looked good, no matter what you wore.
Nothing worried more than standing next to you – I can’t ever be like you or look like you.
You looked like a million dollars and I looked like five cents.
Why am I here, helping you, choosing a suit? That’s when I remind myself.

It’s your wedding day. You’re getting married.
I hope you can’t see me from the pews as you say your vowels to your beautiful bride, the woman whom I hope will cherish and love you in every way you deserve.
I don’t want you to see me cry, I don’t want to ruin your day – but at the same time, I want to destroy your world, how you destroyed mine.
I want you to be eternally happy with her, I want you to be loved, to feel love – but at the same time, I want you to be miserable, I don’t want you to be loved, to feel or give it.
I want you to feel like I do.

Unwanted, Unworthy and Broken.

We go upstairs and my eyes trace the walls. I see you and her, together – in eachothers arms, gazing into one another’s pretty brown eyes. When I leave, and go home I think I’ll begin, taking down the pictures on my own walls, and the ones imprinted in my heart and mind.
I ask about her, out of the blue. I just need to know. You tell me she is wonderful, she’s excited and she’s beautiful. I ask you if you think she’s the one, and you shake off my question.

Of course, it’s obvious, you are marrying her. I just wanted to know…
Is there any hope for myself at all. It seems unlikely. But then again it always was.

Your room, it hasn’t changed – only, your beautiful wife now shares that large bed with you, so your no longer cold in the winter. You’d always complain that you we’re cold in the winter.
I always wanted to be by your side, keeping you warm however I could.
You have suits laying on the bed. Your taste in clothes makes me so jealous, I always wanted to be nicely dressed like you. Your tight dress pants and jackets, your crisp white dress shirts.
It makes me wonder, has she worn any of these? After a intimate night, has she pulled on one to go make a coffee in the morning? I always liked your shirts.

We begin to go through your suits, you leave me, sitting on a stool at the end of your bed.
You leave, and come back, standing before me, looking handsome and stud like in whatever you wear. Oh, did you notice my dress? You probably didn’t, she probably forbid you.
It’s black. You wear black to funerals, don’t you, not to weddings. It’s a funeral today.

My heart has died.

You decide on a simple black suit, and to be truthful, it’s my favourite.
As you look in the mirror, your eyes are wide with happiness, they truly are. I’ve never seen someone look more alive than ever before. You begin to fiddle with your tie, trying to put it on, but you are truly hopeless. You always had trouble with your tie. You turn to me and ask for help. I hesitate, but I go forth, despite all that’s going on in my head.
Your eyes are swimming with excitement, and mine feel like they’ll flood because of tears.
I fiddle around with your tie too, I wasn’t ever good at tying them either – but for you,
the one whom held my heart, I’ll do it for you, the best I can.

I try to not touch your chest, or to touch you at all – I’m scared you’ll feel me trembling. I’m not nervous, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m loosing you, I’ve lost you already.
I try not to look at you, as I feel like, gazing into your eyes will end it all; I’ll loose my stability that I’m barely holding up now. My urge, my want and my need to cry is more than ever.

I’ve been in this dark ocean for so long now, and I’m beginning to loose hope.
To be honest – I gave up long ago. I want to scream for help – I’m drowning.
But no one is here, no one will hear my screams or my tears – I’m alone. I always was alone.

I remember you, in your darkest moments. Where was she? That’s right, she was with him.
The other guy. But who was there for you, holding you in the early hours of the night, telling you everything was going to be alright. It was me. I was always there for you. Don’t tell me I wasn’t ever there because I can document every ing moment. All the times I cooked for you, and spoke to you and told you to keep on going, that there’s so much more to life than love and being lonely. I dragged you out of that dark sea; I was your life jacket, I was your rescuer. But where are you, when I need you? With her, the woman whom cheated on you, spoke ill of you, said words that make me feel sick to the stomach, all behind your back.
She was never there and she never knew. All she cared about was the money in your wallet and what you did to her behind closed doors.

You know none of this, but I know. I can sense it, and it breaks my heart.
But your happiness is all that matters.

But my hands rest on your chest, and with all my willpower, I try to not tremble and shake. I want to look at you, to see your eyes one last time, as a free man, not bound by vows and a ring around your finger. I want to look at you, and take in my last inhale of your scent.
And so I do.
And there you are, looking at me – the slightest smile on your face, and somewhere, deep in my heart, I get the most sincere feeling. The feeling of what?

I feel that you know I love you.
I do.

I love you, and only you.

In my eyes it was on ever going to be you.

I pat your chest, one last time, saying goodbye, but I’m taken prisoner by your arms. They’re strong, and warm and they take me back to when I’d see you. You’d greet me like this when you we’re having a rough time. They’d last forever, and I cherished every single one, did you?
I wrap my arms around you, knowing this would be our last embrace, my last moment of intimacy with you. Can I? Can I nuzzle my nose into the crook of your neck. Can I say goodbye?
Please.

I want to cry, but I’ll stain your shirt. I’m trying so hard to hold it all in.
I hold you tightly, afraid of letting you go. Like a daughter, clutching her father whom is going to war, scared she’ll never see him again, like a mother, holding her child who’s leaving the country and never coming back. You’ll never be the same.
I want to hold you forever, to freeze this moment. Please don’t leave me like this.

But our embrace breaks and you sigh. You reach out to me, and your hand touches my cheek.

Please.

I want your touch, I want your love – but you’re not mine to touch or to love. Please don’t work against the rules you are soon to live by, don’t make yourself any less pure than you already are. My cheeks are warm, but your hands are warmer. I lean into your hand and close my eyes. Your existence is the reason I’m still here, but now you are leaving me.


I guess I’ll go too.

I speak softly, and you pull your hand away, and I begin to crave and want your touch once more, just like I always did. I say I should go and you look down at your wrist, pulling back your sleeve, nodding at the time. You smile and thank me for all I’ve done.
I laugh it off, the least I could do was help you with your suit I say. You nod and smile, telling me your best men will be here to meet with you soon.

You turn back and look at yourself in the mirror, and I hastily remember what I had tucked carefully in my bag before arriving here. I’d written them out so many times – smudging my barely legible writing with my tears. But here I am, about to really let you know, in a way less more painful way. Let me leave you both letters, in hope that you can both understand.

I leave them there, at the end of your bed, and I hope that you’ll see that I have always cared about you. I’ll never stop caring about you, I love you.

I take my last steps down your staircase, and try to forget everything. I try to pull the memories from my mind, which have worked their ways into the dark crevices of my brain, not ever to see the daylight ever again. Let me forget our memories, our relationship, our bond.

Let me forget you. Please. Make this all so much less devastating.
I can’t forget you, how could I?

Here I am, at your door. Once, I was outside, knocking and waiting to be let in on a cold, raining, wet miserable day. But here I am, leaving forever.
I step outside and turn, bowing slightly. I don’t want to go.
I thank you, and you thank me once more. You tell me you’ll see me at the wedding at that I can sit in the front pew with your parents if I wish. I laugh and shrug.

Don’t.

I’m not apart of your life anymore.

I thank you for the offer, and begin walking down the steps, the invitation in my hand. I still want to destroy it with my bare hands, but not in the presence of you, the dear one whom sent it to me. It’s your day, I can’t ruin it.

I begin walking down the path, away from you, out of your life. I still feel your presence, lingering beside me, behind me – all around me. I sense it, my barrier I had built so high, trying to hold back everything I felt towards you, it was breaking, and I’m out of resources to try and mend what I created.

I make my way to my car, pulling at the door, opening it, slipping inside.

And I loose it.

I can no longer be brave, I can no longer be strong. I tried, and it was all for you.
You are my reason to exist, the reason I smile, the reason why I wake up and the reason I fall asleep.  When I close my eyes, despite trying to control my dreams, All I can see is you.

I’m drowning in a dark sea, and no one is here to be my life jacket or rescuer, no one is going to pull me out of here, I’m helpless and I’m lost and I can’t find my way back home.
I can’t breathe, I can’t think. A life without you is un-questionable.
You’re my oxygen, you are a necessity to my life.

I want you and I need you. But I can’t have you, because she has you.
You are not mine, but hers, and she is yours.

I hope she treats you kind and well, and that she respects you and loves you unconditionally. I hope you can love, learn and laugh together. I hope that when she is sad, you can make her happy again. I hope you can start a family, and begin a new chapter in your life.
You two will look wonderful beside eachother – Every million dollar man needs a million dollar woman at his side, and she’s just that.

But if she ever hurts you, I will never forgive myself. I will go after her.
Please be careful with your heart, please try and become strong and build a wall in case that ever may occur, please don’t let her break your kind, warm and fragile heart.
Please, make that promise, and keep it.


I turn the ignition in my car and it comes to life instantly, despite my efforts to try and look alive as ever. I have to go and get a seat so I can watch you begin your next chapter.

It’s so hard. Letting go of someone you love. Do you know the feeling?
I can’t get over you, I love you too much, you’ll never lose your place in my heart.
I begin to cry even more, and I need help, but I can’t get it. I can’t tread water anymore, but since when could I? This is too much for me and I’m going under.
I can’t breathe and I am far from anyone’s help now. I’m gone.

I walk in an empty void, looking for someone to love, someone to cherish and hold close to me. I have a wounded heart that has fought to break free from a tether.
I feel lost, homeless. I feel week, disorientated.
I drive, despite the fact that tears stream down my face and in an hour or so I’m expected to watch her, walk down the isle, to take your hand, your name, your love.

My home is wherever my heart is.
My heart lies with you.

It always has.
And no matter what,



I will never stop loving you.
Be strong for me, okay?

I love you.