“Did you like him too?”

Sungmin’s sudden question broke the comfortable silence that had built up. My hands that were in the midst of picking up the coffee cup from the table stopped halfway; it was then that I noticed how peaceful the atmosphere of the café had been. Music played softly in the background, and there was the constant chatter of other customers seated around us.

I had been lost in my thoughts just moments ago, my mind replaying the memories of the him that Sungmin was referring to. I was surprised, honestly, that he had asked me this. I mean, we had been friends for a long while now and this was a topic we always avoided breaching. That he had asked me this question out of the blue really did catch me by surprise.

Did I like him?

Yes, yes, of course I did. I didn’t just like him, I loved him. And if I were to be honest with myself, I still do. For the past 5 years actually, I’ve loved him with all my heart and all I have. But was there a need for Sungmin to know this?

I didn’t reply, choosing instead to sip my coffee slowly. Sungmin raised his brow and looked at me, but I on the other hand avoided his gaze. Slowly but surely, the air around us began to scream of awkwardness.

I set my coffee down and shifted in my seat. I could feel his eyes trying to burn a hole in my head.

“Siwon ah,” Sungmin said again. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Ah, there was no way I can pretend now.

So I faked a cough and said, “Hmm? What question?”

That was lame, Siwon. He spoke clear as day and you obviously heard him.

“Did you like Kyuhyun too, at that time?”

I opened the door to the hagwon and stepped in, my mood at an all-time low. School was stressful and tiring enough as it is; I didn’t think that coming to the hagwon for extra lessons would be any more productive than if I were to head home and catch a nap instead. But suneung was just around the corner, and I knew that if I had skipped it my mum would have blown her top off at me when I arrived home. It’s funny, really. Parents are usually more stressed and concerned about the suneung than the students themselves are. I, for one, know that I would have done equally well even without attending a hagwon. Alas, I’m only a 17 year old kid who still depends on his parents for allowance, so what am I to do.

Running a hand frustratedly though my hair, I let out a heavy sigh. I took a step forward and headed to my usual table, ready to face my books for the rest of the evening only to find out that there already was someone seated at my desk.

Really? I just want to get started on my studying, but now I have to deal with a random kid sitting at my spot.

“Excuse me,” I said, after clearing my throat as loudly as possible. “You’re in my seat.”

“Oh! Am I?”

Yes of course you are, you big idiot.

“I’m sorry, I’ll shift this very moment.” He hurriedly packed his belongings in a clumsy manner, dropping a notebook here or a pen there.

Finally, with his arms full of books, he cleared his buttock away from my table. I set my bag down, stretching for a bit before retrieving my own books from my extremely heavy bag. Turning the book to the latest chapter, I started to read but noticed that the room was darker than normal, making reading difficult. I frowned again, had a light bulb blown?

But wait, why’s there a pair of feet next to my desk? I looked up to find that the boy was still standing by my desk, his nerdy specs slipping further down his nose bridge as he looked around nervously. It wasn’t a spoilt lightbulb, but his shadow that had casted a dark spot on my book instead.

“Why are you still standing here?”

“Erm,” he replied in an uncertain voice. “Do you know which of this table is empty? I’m new here…”

I looked around, trying to remember where the other students sat.

“I think the table next to mine is empty, actually. You can sit there.”

He nodded and hurried to the table, books spilling out of his hands and dropping onto the floor again. I sighed, deciding to play nice seeing that he’s new.

“Cho Kyuhyun…” I muttered as I bent over to help him pick his book up.

“Neh?”

“Your name’s written on the cover. Your book, here.”

I felt slight tingles coursing through my body as our fingers made contact. Hmm, strange.

“Thanks!” He gratefully said and then a light pink tinged his slightly chubby cheeks. “If you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit clumsy.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle softly, noticing that he had a very nice voice.

I like it.

-

I stifled a yawn and glanced towards the clock; it was now nearing 11pm and finally it was the end of another day at the hagwon. I started packing my bags but stopped halfway when I noticed light breathing coming from the next table.

Kyuhyun’s body was slumped back in his chair, his eyes shut tight and head lolling about as his chest heaved up and down, light snores escaping his open mouth. It wasn’t the most glamourous sight, but for some strange reason, I found it to be extremely adorable indeed.

“Kyuhyun-ssi,” I called out gently. “Kyuhyun-ssi, wake up, the hagwon is closing.”

Kyuhyun jerked awake, his specs sliding off his nose entirely and falling to the ground.

“Huh! Oh... Is it over?” the back of his hand cleaned off the little bit of drool by the corner of his mouth. “I better pack up and go home too then.”

It took a whole of ten seconds for Kyuhyun to stuff all his things into his bag before he ran out the door, bidding me a hasty goodbye on the way.

I started packing my stuff, but abruptly stopped as a strange thought and the image of a sleeping Kyuhyun assaulted my mind and caught me by surprise – maybe, maybe it’s not so bad attending hagwon afterall.

I looked at Sungmin curiously, hoping that it doesn’t look like I’m glaring at him instead. I tend to do thatsometimes, and I blame it on my big and overly dramatic eyes.

“Yeah, I liked him too.”

I hope I sounded nonchalant enough; the last thing I needed was Sungmin finding out how bothered I was – I am – by the whole thing and blowing his top off at me. I can do less with losing one more friend.

Unexpectedly though, a small smile turned up at the corner of Sungmin’s lips. He leaned back in his chair, his arms settling on his thighs and  he looked at me thoughtfully.

“You don’t have to pretend, you know.” Sungmin softly said, the benign smile still tugging at his lips.

“Hmm? What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to pretend that you didn’t like him, Siwon-ah. I know that you did, and that you loved him even. I knew it from a long time ago.”

“How-”

“You liked him first, didn’t you? You liked him even before I knew him.”

A second of silence was followed by a moment of hesitation, and then I nodded my head.

Yes, I loved him. I loved him before you did, Sungmin; I loved him even before you knew him.

The weekends finally rolled around and even though I still have to keep up with my revision, I was glad that I didn’t have to do it in the stuffy environment of the hagwon.

Instead, here I am sitting in our favourite café with my best friend, both of us burying our heads in our books.

“Yah Choi Siwon,” Sungmin called out just as my thoughts were drifting off to a certain Kyuhyun. “Do you sometimes not feel like life is actually a very elaborate version of The Sims, and that God is controlling our actions?”

I snapped my head up and rolled my eyes at him.

“Durh, why are you asking such a stupid question Min? Haven’t you had times when you walked in to the room only to forget what you wanted to do?” Sungmin nodded furiously, his trademark M-shaped lips forming into a pout. “That’s God cancelling our actions!”

One second… two seconds… and then both of us burst out laughing at what we just said.

“That- that’s genius Siwon!” He clutched the sides of his stomach, half his body doubled over the other chair and shaking with laughter. “I can see our relationship bar increasing tremendously now! And oh, God just made me want to go to the toilet; be right back!”

I took a moment to collect and calm myself. Boy do I love Sungmin. Not in a romantic way, of course; we had been friends since forever and our relationship was built on laughter shared over a bunch of random topics and useless questions. We talk to each other over anything and everything as long as our brains are capable enough to fathom it. Sometimes they were deep philosophical questions like the purpose of our existence on earth, while others could be entirely random and brainless like what had just transpired. Whatever it was though, there was nothing that we couldn’t talk about.

“Oh, Siwon-ssi!”

I felt my breath hitch as I caught sight of the owner of the voice. In front of the door stood Kyuhyun, the sunlight shining in from behind casting a wonderful glow around him. Oh dear God, thank you, thank you, thank you for this encounter!

“Hi Kyuhyun-ssi, what are you doing here?” I prayed that I didn’t sound too nervous.

“I came to study here but…there doesn’t seem to be any empty tables around.” His expression turned downcast. “I guess I’ll just go then… See you in hagwon, Siwon-ssi.”

“W-wait!” I sputtered as he made to leave the café. “I’m studying with my friend too; there’s enough space for three, you can join us? Well if you want to, I mean.” I added nervously.

“Really? Thank you, Siwon-ssi! I didn’t make a wasted trip then!”

I cleared the table to make some space for him, inwardly cursing simultaneously at the mess that was Sungmin’s who, of course, chose to turn up right after I cleared the mess for him.

“Who’s this at our table?” Sungmin asked tactlessly, as if offended by his presence. In my mind I have already punched him 3 times.

“Kyuhyun-ssi, this is Sungmin, my best friend. And idiot, this is Kyuhyun, he joined the hagwon 6 months ago. I invited him to join us since there aren’t any tables…”

Sungmin shrugged, “Sure, the more the merrier, no? Misery loves company after all!” He chuckled, more to himself than anything really, seeing that I was imagining chopping him up in fine pieces and Kyuhyun was just staring at him with a blank face. 

He flashed one of his adorable smiles at Kyuhyun, the one that made him look like the most innocent kid in the world when really he could be envisioning the 28 ways of murdering you with a fork.

Kyuhyun responded with a shy smile of his own and 5 seconds too late, I realized that he was blushing - not the light pink that tinged his cheeks 6 months ago - but legitimately blushing as his eyes flickered back and forth from the books he had pulled out to Sungmin.

That should have been the first sign.

“Siwon-ah…didn’t it hurt, seeing us together?” A trace of guilt seemed to have etched itself onto his face.

I shrugged, “I got used to it after a while.”

No. That wasn’t true. It hurt, it hurt from day 1 and hurts even now. People always say that time heals all wounds, but now I know that it’s not true.

My hurt didn’t lessen as time went by; it intensified but what else could I have done? One was my best friend, the other the man I love. I couldn’t bear hurting them both, and so I did what I thought was the best – I ignored it; I pretended I don’t feel it. But sometimes, ever so often, the hurt unleashed itself when I was at my lowest, overwhelming me so much that I could only hide under my blankets and cry till tears could flow out no more.

My heart hurt. Very very much.

I trudged unwillingly over to Sungmin’s house, both hands carrying food that my mother had prepared for our stayover. I really didn’t want to do this, but Sungmin had used one of his puppy-eyes attacks on me and I found that I just couldn’t refuse.

“Siwon!”

I hesitated for a while, debating whether to pretend that I have not heard him, but in the end, I gave in to my temptation instead. I stopped in my tracks, turning around to see the love of my life hurrying over to me. I couldn’t help it; my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own as it automatically turned upwards.

“Hey Kyuhyun,” my voice sounded so greasy I wanted to just tear out my throat and deep-fry it. “You’re not wearing your glasses today.”

“I left them at home today,” he smiled, blinding me for a moment even though it was daylight still. “Minnie says he prefers me without them!”

Ouch. Can you hear my heart breaking, Kyuhyun?

“Ha-ha,” That was lame, Mr Choi. “How are things between you and Sungmin? You’ve been together for like what, three months now?”

“2 months and 24 days! Actually I’ve been racking my brains over what to gift him for our third monthsary; since you are best friends, do you think you can help me?”

“Sure, why not. I’d love to. Nothing more I’d love to do than to help my best friend and his boyfriend.” Who coincidentally also happens to be the person I’ve given my entire heart to. “Tell me about your plans.”

Kyuhyun started rambling off the fanciful plans he had in mind. I nodded at the appropriate parts, only paying attention half-heartedly because really, all I understood from it was how much he loved Sungmin.

Upon that realization, my heart hurt. Very very much.

-

“Okay, Siwon, you know the plan right?” Sungmin double-checked again nervously. “We’ve been through this many times!”

I sighed. “Yes Sungmin, I know the drill… when he opens the door, you’ll jump out and surprise him while I’ll be recording the entire thing down…” I recited, taking care to do so as bored-sounding as I could, hoping that Sungmin can get the drift that I do not want to be part of this at all. But obviously Sungmin didn’t catch the hint; otherwise I should be at home wallowing in self-pity right now instead of behaving sneakily in Kyuhyun’s dorm.

The jingling of keys sounded in the distance while footsteps got progressively louder. I dutifully pressed the record button on the camcorder.

“Okay, he’s back, he’s back, shush Siwon!”

What. I wasn’t even talking.

The knobs turned slowly and then the door swung open, revealing a very adorable looking Kyuhyun standing in the doorway taking off his shoes.

“Surprise~!!!” Sungmin jumped out from behind the door and enveloped his boyfriend in a bone-crushing hug. “Happy one year anniversary baby Kyu, welcome back!”

Kyuhyun responded with an equally enthusiastic hug, lifting Sungmin off the ground. “I miss you so much at my parent’s Min!” He put the smaller down, placing a peck on his forehead before the two of them engage in a passionate kiss.

I could literally feel the ache within my chest as I witnessed the scene in front of me. It’s been a year since they got attached, and while by now I should have been numb to the heartache seeing that we hang out so often, the truth was that it still hurts, a lot. One was my best friend, the other my love, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to feel hurt, does it?

Unable to take it anymore, I slunk out of the room quietly.

Sungmin hadn’t noticed I had left.

Kyuhyun never even realized I was there.

“But why didn’t you fight for him?” Sungmin asked, voice laced with uncertainty. “I love him, but you did too. If I were in your shoes, I would most certainly have at least fought for the man I love. At least this way, I wouldn’t have any regrets even if I failed.”

Have I not considered fighting for him at all? Truth be told, in the early days of their relationship I was always thinking of ways that would make Kyuhyun even consider me at least.

But he’s your best friend! An annoying voice would nag at the back of my head. And just like that, time and time again, I put away the plans I had in mind when I saw how happy both of them were with each other. Over time, I’ve realized that I could never, I would never, break them apart for my own selfish reasons.

Because the two of them were made for each other. They complete each other. They were like two adjacent pieces of jigsaw puzzle; fitting each other to a T. Sure, they had their down times, but the two of them ultimately brought out the best in each other.

“Because you made him a better person.” I simply stated. “And he made you a better person, too. You complete each other.”

“But… if you had been the one who got together with him, you’d be the one to complete him…”

“No Sungmin,” I shook my head. “Even if I had gotten together with him, I’d never be able to make him feel the way you made him feel. I want to, but I will never be that person for him.”

It sounds like bull, but everything I just said was the truth.

Sungmin nodded, retreating back to his thoughts and the comfortable silence resumed again. Not too long later, I heard sniffling coming from Sungmin.

“Siwon-ah… I’m sorry you never got the chance to be with him.” Sungmin choked. “I’m sorry you never got the chance to experience what a wonderful person he is, how sweet and caring he can be.”

Sungmin’s doe-eyes suddenly watered up, tears threatening to spill out. “It’s okay, Min. It’s really okay.” I reached across the coffee table and caught him in a half-hug.

“I knew that you love him,” Sungmin continued, sobbing through his tears. “But I love him too, and- and so I was selfish, and I kept him for my- myself, because he made me happy.”

“Hush Min, it’s really okay, alright?” I made soothing circles on his backs, the other hand patting his head gently. “You make him happy too, and if I can’t have him, then all I ever want for him is to be happy. And see? You make him happy, that’s why he chose you. I was upset that he didn’t feel the same for me, but I’m even gladder that it was you he chose. If it had been anybody else, I definitely would have been very annoyed. So hush Min, it’s okay, stop crying.”

“I- I’m sorry Siwon, I didn’t mean to bring this up. I didn’t mean to break down like this. I just really, really miss him.”

“I know Min, I miss him too.” I softly said.

And I really do. I miss him, I miss him so much it literally hurts. I miss seeing his face and his smiles even if they were not meant for me. I miss him so much I could run a sword through my body and it still wouldn’t hurt more than this constant ache in my heart.

“I wish he would come back, Siwon.” I could feel the wet patch on my shoulders becoming wetter and wider. I continued comforting Sungmin. “I wish that all those years ago, you were the one he fell in love with, so that he would still be here right now. Even if I will hurt not having him love me back, but as long as he’s still here, it’s better than anything else right now Siwon-ah.”

“Silly Min, don’t say that. He loved you.” I chided him gently. I tried my very best to stop the tears building up in my eyes from rolling down.  I’ve been strong for so long; I can’t be weak right now when my best friend needed me, right? “Why would you say that?”

Sungmin hiccupped.

“Be-because, I killed him! Siwon, I killed him!”

“Sungmin! I’ve said this many times, you didn’t kill him; it’s not your fault. Stop being so hard on yourself please Sungmin-ah. It’s not your fault, understand?”

“You don’t understand!” Sungmin wailed almost hysterically now. “If he hadn’t gone out to buy food for me, he wouldn’t have gotten into that accident! It’s MY fault; I made him go out to get food for me. If I didn’t, he wouldn’t have died! If he loved you instead of me, he wouldn’t have died!”

“Hush Min, hush. It’s not your fault. It’s that driver’s fault, not yours, okay? Don’t be a silly boy… do you think Kyuhyun will be happy seeing you like this now? He made you happy, so think of all the happy memories instead of blaming yourself like this, because it’s really not your fault, okay?”

I could no longer contain the tears in my eyes; I let them fall freely, barely suppressing a sob. As I continued comforting Sungmin in the best way I can, I came to a realization…

No matter what had happened, we are just two people who are grieving over the loss of the man we had given our hearts to.

At the end of the day, we are all the same.

----
GAH. so in my head i was imagining how this would all turn out, but in the end it didn't turn out the way i envision it =(
I couldn't write it the way i wanted to but the idea was bothering me so much so i wrote it anyway. 
this is actually inspired by a song, like all my other one-shots are. 
the story is less developed in some parts than i would like, but i'm really tired lol. 

And the part about ming breaking down... it wasn't planned lmao and i don't quite like it actually. 
But it's 4am now, so i'll just post this up and get some sleep and edit it tomorrow. 

Comments PLEASE?