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DeficientPeople live a life with nothing that deals with pain, sorrow, or tragedies. Pure bliss is all that processes, instead their imperfections don't exsist. A flawless that they take for granted. They don't comprehend they have something until it's confiscated. I always accept my belongings as they are. Never be greedy, is what they say yet they are deceiving, lying hypocrites.
I, on the other hand, am filled to the edge with endless flaws that others only witness instead of my bubbly personality. Every action I do, word I say, is incorrect. I'm a walking mess that averts people further from me. Even though I have decent grades consisting of A's and B's, I'm still not good enough. Compared to my brother, I am nothing but a shadow. Standing next to me, towering stories above, I feel puny. He criticizes the music that I enjoy- that soothed my wounds that people's honesty deepened- the friends that have been loyal to me, and no one halts his wrongs. But when I do the same, I'm ousted. Everyone agrees with him on his side, is it because he is older or a boy? He's my parent's little boy and I'm their little girl. It's not fair, it never was. I became utterly exhausted of him, I've always done things for him but he spits excuses that coats my point. I've always aided him with homework- receiving him good grades, simply because I wanted him to become successful and I knew English wasn't his strength. It was that simply "thank you," that made me felt like I was doing something right.
As I am perched on my steady chair- supporting my wobbly emotions- tears scorch my eyes. They brim my eyelids but it wasn't enough to stream down my face.
People inquire the question that I dreaded and hit me the hardest, "Do you guys love each other?" My first answer has always been "yes," but his is "I don't even know." He wonders why I'm cold, "mean," but his mind is too closed to consider my perspective.
It's when a certain song harmonizes in my ears that I begin to cry my unshed tears that have built up over the years.
After I sob my heart and emotions out until there is a numb sensation that devours me, I ponder on the thought that I can be a better person. But to him, I can't be. I can't change my ways of negativity. It's his constant put-downs and his lack of encouragement that demolishes me, vein by vein, word by word.
I heave deepened breaths, my eyes swell and my cheeks also are powdered with heat and exhaustion, then I go take a shower to wash my guilts, worries, and imperfections down the drain; in hopes they never return. I feel unsanitary from my wrongs, and the words I've said that were suppose to be unspoken.
I crawl into bed and pray to the heavens above to give me the strength and courage I require to carry me on my own two feet, and for tomorrow to be a second chance at a new beginning.
At the end of the day, I've already forgave him and adore my goofy sibling. The support from my parent's fill my barren heart with hope and the feeling of abandonment diminish into thin air. My brother does the same, but it's hidden and conceal in the icy chamber of his heart. I acknowledge that he loves me, but sometimes it's badly expressed. And I am grateful he is near me, he aids my smiles, he makes my hideous laugh emit. I wouldn't ask for another brother.
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Okay, this was more depressing that I had thought. Haha I don't feel these feelings anymore. I know it was kinda directed to siblings but you have to understand that they're family and they want to make you not break you. So love them because when they leave off to college or anthing, you'll miss them more than you think you would. Anyways, stay healthy. Annyeong~
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