In all honesty, he’s not quite sure how this all began.

He had a pretty decent childhood; he was born September 21, in the year of the Monkey (how fitting). His mother was always very loving and supportive, doting on him and bragging about him to all of her friends, and allowing him to do whatever his heart desired, whether that was piano, or singing, or what have you.

His father wasn’t exactly a cold man; he just wasn’t in his daily life as much as he would have wanted him to be. He said it was because of work, and without work he couldn’t afford to let Jongdae live as comfortably as he wants. At the time, Jongdae didn’t know what to think about that - whether he should be happy or sad, or whether he should just be indifferent-, and even the present day Jongdae still isn’t sure what his father meant by a lot of the things he said.

Jongdae lived a simplistic life in his humble opinion, as he never really considered anything too extraordinary in his life goals. He was a choirboy, a fairly attractive one, if he does say so himself; the choir director also said he was very talented, if only that he prefered to stay in the shadows. Jongdae thinks that wasn’t in fear of others insulting him (the choir director always said that if kids made fun of you, they were jealous; Jongdae doesn’t know how he feels about that either), but more so he could perfect his technique without the disturbance of others in his time of expressionism and simply just being himself. Music and his ability to project his voice defined him; what was he besides that? Who was Jongdae without music?

But, perhaps equally important to this time in his life, was his confidence.

His confidence carried him to a SM audition. Jongdae had been told he had a remarkable voice, hell he knew himself that he was talented. Always a guy who never expected anything wondrous, he treated the audition almost with an air of indifference. If he made it, fantastic - all those years as a choirboy wouldn’t go to waste, and he could have a career where he actually enjoyed what he did; if he didn’t make it, however, that would be fine too, as he’s sure his father would like for him to continue in the family business. Jongdae’s laissez-faireism came to a shocking halt when he met a boy at the audition who was quite similar to himself.

Ah, that’s right. He supposes it all did really start with Baekhyun. But then again, how could he merely put all his problems on one person? Jongdae thinks he must have had issues before meeting Baekhyun, but for the sake of simplicity, he’ll leave it at Baek; yep, he’s the root of his problems. Except that he’s not.

It’s nothing in particular that Baekhyun ever did that made Jongdae develop issues. The boy was nice enough, if only a little cocky (In retrospect, Jongdae thinks he came off as cocky because he was nervous). So, perhaps the problems didn’t start with Baekhyun.

Perhaps they started with who he was. Or who Jongdae was.

Baekhyun, on a first glance, was very similar to Jongdae. They both were shorter than a considerable amount of guys at that day’s audition, and looked to be about the same age, among other comparable traits. And, really, that’s just it: Jongdae couldn’t help but to compare himself to Baekhyun.

When he met Baekhyun, both of them were sitting in the same row of chairs while waiting for their individual auditions. Baekhyun actually didn’t pay attention to him at first, seeing as he was consumed with nerves, but Jongdae noticed the boy beside him; how could he not?

The boy was cute, he couldn’t deny. From the eyeliner to decorate his mono-eyelids (which, is pretty rare, Jongdae thinks), to his unique diva-esque air that surrounded him, Jongdae was honestly amazed, so much that the boy turned towards him and asked if something was on his face because he was certainly staring at him like something was. Jongdae simply shook his head no, there wasn’t; the boy then introduced himself as Baekhyun, a name Jongdae somehow knew he’d never forget even in the twenty seconds he had spent speaking with him.

At a future date, Baekhyun will speak in an interview for EXO about his and Jongdae’s shared audition date, and how Jongdae’s name had scared him because he knew he could hit some crazy high notes. But, when Jongdae reflects on that audition, Jongdae doesn’t remotely remember Baekhyun as worried (only nervous, really), especially not because of him. If anything, Jongdae, who had considered himself confident until he sat beside Baekhyun, was the one anxious because of the other. Certainly not the other way around.

As the two wait in anticipation of their auditions, and after Baekhyun introduced himself to Jongdae, Jongdae thinks it’s only expected that he introduces himself as well. “Um, hi. I’m Jongdae.”

“Hmm, Jongdae, nice to meet you, or whatever people say in small talk. What are you here for?”

“I’m here as a vocalist.” Jongdae says with the bit of confidence he has left.

“Coincidence, so am I.” Baekhyun smirks.

The two fall into a small silence after that, but soon the conversation is picked up by Baekhyun again, asking Jongdae his age, weight, height, etc etc. Pretty much all the questions SM was going to require for him to answer as well. As he supplied his information, Baekhyun’s nearly mirrored his own; the two had such similar traits, it only increased Jongdae’s worry about succeeding in this audition.

Baekhyun doesn’t stop there though; he actually wanted to get to know Jongdae, as if he had planned for the two of them to be friends. Questions like, “What do you do for fun?” and, “What’s your favorite group? I love Girls’ Generation!” and, “Do you like shopping? Since we’re in Seoul, and I’m not from here and all, want to go shopping after all this?”, fill the air, and Jongdae can’t help but to smile at the boy beside him because even though he increased his anxiety, at least he’s helping to keep it at bay by constantly asking him question after question.

Twenty or thirty minutes later, both he and Baekhyun are called back, except into separate audition rooms, and when the two start to turn away from each other as they anticipate entering their respective audition rooms, Jongdae actually moves forward and takes Baekhyun - this guy he literally just met - into a large hug. Baekhyun laughs into his shoulder and wishes him good luck and tells him he’ll do fine, and if Baekhyun says it, somehow Jongdae has to believe it.

The two do go shopping in Seoul after the auditions are over, and as they’re walking around the shopping mall and Baekhyun is pointing at things and telling Jongdae he should buy something for his birthday that he’s already missed, Jongdae sighs in content at his newfound friend. Before the two depart, they change contact information and promise to text if they get into SM.

Three weeks later, Jongdae and Baekhyun send a text to the other telling him that he made it into SM, and they both have a party over text message that both of them were accepted.

And perhaps Jongdae shouldn’t worry about when the problems started, or who or what caused them. Because in the end, they’re still there, even if he said yesterday that Baekhyun started all this, and today he says that it’s all his own doing. They’re still there, and even though he can point figures all day long, they still exist - and still need to be cured.

-

Trainee days were a collection of sweaty, long days filled with self-worthlessness and self-hatred, in Jongdae’s opinion. He has since tried to blur the trainee days into a bad dream that recurred often enough that he somehow still remembers it, but he feels like he can’t really complain since he trained for less than a year.

It’s not that the training itself was miserable, though it kinda was with the hours they had; that wasn’t the part that especially made Jongdae hate training. Jongdae hated training because of one thing, or shall he say, person: Baekhyun.

Granted, by this point, he and Baekhyun had become near besties, being accepted into SM at the same time and all. But it’s just that; it’s almost as if SM purposely allowed both of them through, not because they were both great vocalists (though when Jongdae thinks logically, he does actually think that’s what it is), but instead to see who will come out as the stronger of the two. Who will survive training better. Who will do this run better. Who will dance to this better. Who will, frankly, be better.

Jongdae tried to dislodge that thought from his mind the first day he and Baekhyun arrived at the dance studio to work alongside the other trainees. He wanted to be excited that his newfound friend was beside him, and indeed he was, but there was something about Baekhyun that caused anything and everything bad about Jongdae to start being released.

Instead of confidence like he used to have, he now has a never-ending sense of self-determination and self-identity. Everything of his trainees days was focused on him, and that made Jongdae hate himself even more. Self-hatred. Self-determination. Self-worthlessness. Self-Identity.

Selfish.

Was he selfish? Jongdae still asks himself this question to this day. In certain aspects, he doesn’t think so. He would help Baekhyun on runs if he ever came to him in need of assistance, even though helping Baekhyun certainly didn’t help himself, seeing as Baekhyun was his ultimate competition during training. But, it was always his actions after doing things with Baek that returned him to the fact that he indeed, had a few problems, and that he indeed, was selfish, or at least self-centered.

He at first didn’t want to admit that his new selfisms were issues, after all, it was just a new invention of himself. He was becoming a new person, and therefore the self-identity made sense. The self-determination made sense because he was known as a hard working rookie; he was known as the one who was going to compensate his lack of experience with training.

But, if Jongdae is honest with himself, that’s not the real reason. He really was hard-working; he thinks he always was hard-working, since his choir days. But, that wasn’t it. He had to be the best, at something. Everyone was the best, at something.

And that explains the self-worthlessness and self-hatred, because in what was he the best?

Jongin and Yixing were the best at dancing, and there was no way he was going to the best at that. He couldn’t compare with them, and that was alright. He could accept that he was decent, or mediocre. He didn’t have to be the best at dancing.

Kris, Chanyeol, and Zitao were the best rappers, once again, that wasn’t really his place to accept an award. It wasn’t even a place he was willing to try to be the best; everyone knew he wasn’t a rapper.

Though this was more subjective, it appeared that right before debut, the company had pushed Luhan and Jongin to the front as visuals. Jongdae could accept that he wasn’t the most attractive of the group; he still found himself not hard on the eyes, and he guessed that’s all that matters.

There were other bests, if you will, like best fashion sense, or best (optimal) height, or best knowledge, or best leadership skills. The list could go on and on, and no, Jongdae didn’t fit into those either.

But, there was one best that actually applied to him: singing. In this category, one could debate it was Luhan, Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and himself. In his honest opinion, he felt that his and Baekhyun’s ranges, and perhaps even their techniques, were better than Luhan and Kyungsoo’s, so it was really a battle between the two of them for the best. A battle Baekhyun didn’t even know he was a part of.

Jongdae certainly did think that training was awful, and disheartening; that’s no lie. And although he could perhaps blame Baekhyun (but mostly himself) for his psychological trauma he experienced during training, Baekhyun and he seriously were great friends. One couldn’t dispute that.

And maybe that’s what caused all this, not Baekhyun. Maybe it was their close proximity, and therefore peoples’ tendency to clump the two together, and judge one based off the other.

The two hung out during practices, after practices, at the dorms. No one knew Baekhyun better than Jongdae; no one knew Jongdae better than Baekhyun (except of course, himself. There was just so much Baekhyun didn’t know about him.)

Baekhyun didn’t just know his birthday, and his height, and his blood type, and that he likes to sing. It seemed like everyone involved with SM knew simply those things; and Jongdae understood why. What else would they need to know about some random trainee?

Baekhyun even knew how often Jongdae called his mother to talk about training; he had spoken with her himself. After one phone call with Baekhyun, Jongdae’s mother had spent the next twenty minutes speaking to Jongdae about Baekhyun and how sweet and respectful he is and how he needs to make sure to keep him around; Jongdae laughed and said he’d try his hardest.

Little did his mother know that Baekhyun, or who he was, was the main reason for his issues that were brewing at this time.

His issues at first were actually just one issue: to be the best. He wanted to be the best at singing, not Baekhyun. (And, maybe when he was thinking logically, he would accept tying with him, but in his mind, there were no ties.) To accomplish this feat, Jongdae spent every possible amount of free time singing. And singing. And practicing technique. And singing.

After singing practice, singing. After dance practice, singing. Hell, during dance practice, singing.

The voice instructors told him to stop, but he’d still be singing. He’d lose his voice from overactiveness, and yet he was still trying to sing. He was dedicated, but his dedication didn’t bring any self-gratification (another useless selfism) because it seemed that Baekhyun did everything he did in a similar fashion; so, there was no best, not really.

Jongdae, in retrospect, doesn’t see how anyone could think that the amount of time he spent singing, especially when he tried singing when he literally couldn’t, was normal. It was obsessive; It was destructive, almost. No one thought anything of it: not his future bandmates, not the instructors, not Baekhyun (or so he thought). Everyone assumed he simply wanted to “perfect his trade”, and that nothing disastrous was occurring. And maybe, if he pretends, nothing disastrous was occurring at all.

But eventually, it wasn’t just a small competition in his head between him and Baekhyun over singing. It evolved into who could learn the dance sequences firsts, and better. Usually it was Baekhyun, and as Jongdae simply couldn’t have Baekhyun better than him at something, he would recruit Yixing to help him with his dancing after practice.

And this is where he finds himself selfish again; Yixing probably had plenty of other things he could have been doing; hell, Jongdae could have been helping him in maintaining his breath control when he sings, or teaching him Korean, or something. But no, he had to dance as well as Baekhyun. (Because, Jongdae is a realist, and he realized rather early on that no matter what he or Baekhyun did, they’d always be tied. He was just stupid enough to try and test those boundaries, to see if he really couldn’t be better than Baekhyun at something.) He didn’t know what’s sadder: that he continued to try to be better than someone he was predestined to be tied with, or that no one ever noticed that he was obviously battling some issues concerning his confidence and his rightful place as a rookie, and later a member of EXO.

The dance competition led to other contests, like who can maintain their skinny figure the best. Apparently, even though he and Baekhyun were already small enough, they needed to be smaller: company’s orders. Therefore, in an attempt to maybe, finally, be better than Baekhyun at something (seeing as they both love to eat, and eat, and eat), Jongdae took the dieting rather seriously. It started off with simply lowering his amount of processed foods that he eats, in hopes that Baekhyun would just ignore SM’s orders and would continue eating whatever he wants.

But no.

Baekhyun said that he was on a health kick, and that he should decrease his intake of sugary-substances, and that would probably contribute to the weight loss that he needs.

Not wanting to be outdone, Jongdae started counting calories, only with maybe 75% of effort, though. Weight has never been an issue for Jongdae; he could eat, and eat, and eat, and he’d never gain any weight (which is why this whole diet thing kinda makes him mad in the first place, if not for him but for Baekhyun. How much does he weigh, 53kg?).

Jongdae was willing to give up what he loved for what he wanted, and really, wasn’t that what every rookie was doing? Jongdae was not all that crazy, not really.

After the dieting, Jongdae’s mind went to another “best” where he could beat Baekhyun for once, instead of always being tied: who can keep himself composed the best.

In all honesty, Jongdae should have known this award was already leaning in Baekhyun’s favor, because hello, Baekhyun doesn’t have obsessive mind competitions between himself and his best friend because he is searching to be the best at something. (He also doesn’t quiet his mind from thinking, He’s already good at everything.)

Every morning for practice, Baekhyun would look tired, but he always gave off a vibe of preparedness and calmness. Jongdae would never look too tired, but he was never as successful as Baekhyun in preparing a countenance that was believably ready and excited for that day’s training.

Baekhyun didn’t only look composed in early morning practices; he was composed when it was just the two of them, and he talked about his homelife and how he misses his grandmother’s home cooking. Anytime Jongdae started to talk about his homelife, or anytime he called his mother with Baekhyun beside him in either situation, he always ended up being too emotional, even if he never cried. His throat would choke up, or his eyes would water, but he’d never cry. Baekhyun would rub his back and lay his head on Jongdae’s shoulder, and the two of them would sit like that for who knows how long until Jongdae’s breathing evened out.

Jongdae made a strive everyday to appear calm and collected in front of his other bandmates, including Baekhyun. Even if he’s pouring himself a glass of juice, he wanted to do that in the coolest way possible. Even when he’s sitting on the couch pondering over his thoughts and how he and Baekhyun are indeed very similar, he wanted people to think he was simply a pensive guy, and not a guy who’s perhaps really crazy and obsessive about these mental games he holds between himself and his best friend. No one ever asked him questions when he wore a reflective visage (when in all actuality he was thinking about how much he ate last night and if that was too much for him to lose weight), so he assumed his composure plan had worked out relatively well.

And, Jongdae honestly thought that everyone thought that he was an unperturbed guy, a really go-with-the-flow trainee. His composure plan must have worked considerably well because a good amount of his future bandmates actually thought that he was “calm, cool and collected”, and no one ever asked him if he was alright, that is if he pointedly ignored the glances Kyungsoo and Luhan gave him. And, if he never noticed the small whispers shared between Joonmyun, Kris, and Minseok while looking in his direction. And if he certainly never saw Baekhyun’s smile vanish whenever he looked into Jongdae’s dead eyes.

And where, in the first two competitions or so, Jongdae would focus on beating Baekhyun at that specific activity, he now combines all of his competitions and actively tries to become better than Baekhyun at all of them, simultaneously.

He’s in dance practice taking advice from Jongin and Yixing while subconsciously thinking that if he doesn’t eat a protein bar during practice, and he doesn’t eat dinner, he’ll be safely under his 1000 calorie mark for sure, and he’ll definitely lose weight quickly. He nods and shakes his head enthusiastically after the dancing machines finish, and now he’s going through the choreography while singing with near-perfect technique under his breath and concurrently running the previous conversation through his mind to make sure he’s doing exactly what they said, and he’s still remembering not to eat that protein bar. Amazing what the human mind can comprehend when you’re self-diagnosed as “kinda crazy”.

Ah, and there’s another selfism: self-diagnosed. Jongdae pondered if he was completely sane more than once during and after his trainee days, and he can officially say that his actions were not the logical thinkings of a person who was mentally stable, and he was, indeed, “kinda crazy”.

Baekhyun made him mentally unstable. And he wants to slap himself because it wasn’t Baekhyun. It was who Baekhyun was.

No it wasn’t that either.

It was who he, Jongdae, was. It was all his fault anyway, right?

No, that wasn’t it either.

Jongdae even started to think about that in the middle of running the choreography while singing quietly and still thinking about not eating, and sure enough, the human mind wasn’t that strong because eventually, he couldn’t continue doing and thinking so much, and he, mid-move, halfway collapsed on the hardwood, uneven floor while consuming large intakes of air.

His eyes water thinking he’s officially lost all these mind competitions because he fell out, not just from dancing, but from everything he was trying to win. Thinking about that made his chest rise faster and harder, heart pound deeper, and he’s still lying on the cold hardwood floor, and now it’s been more than forty-five seconds.

His whole body trembles with shakes and he’s not sure if that’s from him almost crying or from something else, from this whole condition that’s practically taking over his whole body because now he’s sweating profusely, he’s wallowing on the cold floor to keep cool because he’s suddenly so hot, and his mind is concomitantly screaming at him to get up, and telling him to stay down, and whispering sweet nothings to himself, and then everything goes silent and he’s completely numb but still realizes he’s still lying on the cold, hardwood floor, helplessly wallowing in his not-falling-from-his-eyes tears.

He faintly makes out someone yelling but he doesn’t know who was speaking or what he was saying because he feels his mind slowly fading from their reality as if he’s going to wake up in an alternate one where he’s finally perfect and best at something and he has no more worries like he clearly does now, lying on the floor and all.

He hears even more yelling and can almost feel the palpable tension and commotion in the air, and suddenly he’s taken from his trance as he’s lifted up by whom, he doesn’t know, but now he can understand words like, “What the is happening?”, “Is he alright?”, “Jongdae! Jongdae-ah! Jongie! God, Jongdae answer me!”, “Yixing, Jongin…. (he doesn’t hear this part) …. okay?”, “Jongdae, how could you…. (he doesn’t hear this either)”

He comes to estimately twenty minutes later, which was apparently enough time for whomever was carrying him to make it back to the dorms. He lifts his head and realizes he’s lying on the couch and half or more of his fellow bandmates are sitting on the floor opposite of him and now he knows he probably has some explaining to do, and therefore tries to fall back asleep because he’d rather not tell everyone he’s apparently not just “kinda crazy,” but really “ing crazy.”

Unfortunately, Kyungsoo, being the observant guy he is, notices the whites of his eyes and shakes everyone from their stupors with, “I think he’s awake! I saw his eyes!”

Jongdae groans, knowing they’re in all likelihood going to start bombarding him with questions in 5. 4. 3.

“Jongdae-ah! Are you awake?” Luhan questions, and yep, Jongdae was most definitely correct.

“Yes, Luhan-hyung. I’m awake. How long was I out for?”

“You were unresponsive somewhere between twenty-five and thirty-five minutes.” Kris says.

It’s then that Jongdae finally pushes himself up so that his back is leaning against the arm of the couch and, he turns his head to fully look at the others in the room and he sees Kyungsoo, Joonmyun, Kris, Luhan, Minseok, and Yixing. (He doesn’t know whether to be excited that only they showed up, or disappointed. He doesn’t really care that maknae line is not there because he can imagine that their questions would be stupid and personal, but he can’t deny that he doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that Chanyeol’s not there, and Baekhyun isn’t as well.)

Joonmyun looks like he’s about to cry, and he really shouldn’t because he’s just going to raise Jongdae’s anxiety levels. “Jongdae-ah! We’ve been really worried about you lately.”

Minseok sighs. “Look, I’m going to get straight to the point, Jongie, okay? You may believe that no one has seen the way you’ve been acting as of late. Don’t tell me some bull of ‘You’ve only known me for a few months.’ because you weren’t like this when we first met you. You weren’t really this bad until maybe a month or a month and a half ago.” He takes a second to collect his thoughts.

Kris interrupts before Minseok can finish. “Look man, we understand that you want to debut; hell all of us do - and you realize that it’s rumor that we’re starting teasers in two weeks? You’re going to debut with us Jongdae, I don’t know why you’re so obsessed about the things SM tells you to do, when you’ve clearly already been chosen as a member.” Kris shyly talks about the fact that he took dieting way too seriously, and Jongdae thinks that no, they don’t understand, no matter what they say.

“What’s causing you to do it, Jongdae? Why did you not tell anyone?” Luhan asks.

“What are you even-?”

“You know you can talk to any of us, Jongie?”

“I don’t know what-”

“Jongdae-ah, I’m so sorry if I pushed you so hard! You didn’t need to do all that work.”

“Yixing, it wasn’t you-”

Before he can even begin to explain anything, everyone interrupts him wanting his own individual questions answered. Jongdae just huffs and makes a show of crossing his arms.

“Aiish, maybe if you guys simply listened to Jongdae when he tries to speak, your questions would be answered. Hard to believe I’m the youngest in this room.” Kyungsoo quietly yells.

The hyungs went silent, and Jongdae began to speak again. “As I was saying, Yixing - it wasn’t you; you didn’t cause me to fall out, so don’t blame yourself.” Yixing looks visibly relieved. “Luhan, I don’t have a clue what you were even rambling about. What the hell do you think I don’t want to tell anyone? Joonmyun, you make it sound like speaking to you guys is so easy when in actuality, you guys have a love for interrupting me. And Kyungsoo, thank you.”

Minseok sighs. “Luhan was trying to ask why you never told any of us that you were prone to panic attacks.”

“What? What are you going on about now?” Jongdae says, enraged. He already knew he was ed up, now he actually has a condition? No no no. No way.

Kris adds, “Yeah, man. When Jongin called us saying you were convulsing while breathing heavily, Minseok and I raced to come get you while Luhan and Joonmyun told the other guys that nothing was going on, and for them to get ready for practice as the hyungs featuring Kyungsoo needed to have a talk.” Jongdae looks at him like he doesn’t see his point at all, but he does feel a bit more relieved that his friends didn’t purposely skip out on seeing if he was alright; they were told not to stay, that nothing was wrong. Strange that the hyungs would invite Kyungsoo (however lovely the boy may be), and not Baekhyun.

Kris sighs. “When Joonmyun pushed all the others out of the dorm, he looked up your symptoms that Jongin - who was told to stay at the dance studio to really prove that nothing traumatic had happened - described to him, and every single one of them linked to panic attacks, which in turn can lead to panic disorder, you do realize.”

Jongdae shakes his head, because no way. He’s this close to debuting, and there’s no way he can have clinical issues. So far, he’s only said he’s had issues because he’s not quite sure what to call his obsessiveness with all things Baekhyun and all things “best”, so it was simply some issues, or some trauma. But, he potentially has a psychological issue other than being “kinda crazy” or “ing crazy”. Absurd.

He voices the absurdness of this claim of theirs, but all the hyungs (plus Kyungsoo, of course) do is shake their heads and come to join him on the couch while hugging him and telling him it’s alright to have these attacks as long as he keeps them under control.

That night, he has a five minute panic attack in the bathroom because of the fact that he very well may be suffering of consistent panic attacks, and therefore, possibly, panic disorder. Also, he’s officially lost the competition of sanity because he’s pretty sure Baekhyun isn’t troubled with panic attacks quite like himself.

What’s even more sad is that Jongdae has panic attacks, more than once, and hunger pains, definitely more than once, but like anytime someone has a problem in SM, it is simply swept under the table, because the best thing to do for something to disappear is to pretend like it never happened. And maybe, if Jongdae takes SM’s advice, maybe the problems will disappear. Maybe he can be truly happy. But he realizes, most of all, that SM lies just as much as his problems still exist.

He still wants to be the best.

He still wants to feel like he’s worth the recognition. Like he was a worthy pick at that audition; like they should have picked both him and Baekhyun, instead of just Baekhyun - like in the alternate realities of Jongdae’s mind.

He still wants to be happy.

He still wants his confidence back.

And, he still wants the friendship he had with Baekhyun before he ed it up with all these internal competitions, and therefore distanced himself (mentally or physically, he’s not really sure) from the one person who knew him best.

-

When trainee days are over, and he debuts with EXO-M in China, things magically start to get better, somehow. Jongdae starts to smile more often, to have more thorough interactions with his bandmates, and most importantly, to not compare himself to anyone anymore.

What was the point?

There was no one comparable to himself in his subgroup; the only one even remotely similar to himself was Luhan, and well, he wasn’t Baekhyun. So, all was good.

He started calling his mum on a more daily basis, because training had drained him from putting forth the effort to call as often as he would have liked. Granted, the calls were never too long (foreign call rates and all), but Jongdae thinks his mother sounded much happier on the phone with him for the two minutes when he was in China than for the fifty minutes when he was in Korea.

Jongdae began to eat as much food as he did in his early trainee days (before SM enacted the diet), and surprisingly, his bandmates started to notice this change in Jongdae, among the other changes.

“Jongdae-ah, your face looks so bright!”

“Jongie, you ate the whole meal, aiish!”

“Jongdae-hyung, when did you get this happy?”

And Jongdae’s face felt bright, and he did finish his meals again, and he was, indeed, happy. But even though all his previous characteristics that he had before his training months with Baekhyun had returned (including his confidence), Jongdae somehow still felt a sense a longing, longing for a purpose. A purpose to be better. To be better than someone.

Because, he certainly couldn’t simply be longing for that person could he?

-

The subgroup thing didn’t last too long in Jongdae’s opinion, because they only released one single (because, remember What is Love and History were prologue singles, whatever that means) as a subgroup, and now SM thinks it’s a brilliant idea to bring the twelve boys together, after more than six months of being apart.

Six months without Baekhyun, and text messages only mean so much when you finally admit that you’re missing someone.

The flight from China to Korea was surprisingly peaceful as Jongdae was expecting it to make him considerably anxious. He hadn’t had a single panic attack in the time he spent in China, so he associated the attacks and his other problems with Korea now, or perhaps with a certain Korean boy. But, no, the flight was just fine, and if he’s being honest with himself, Jongdae had missed Korea almost as much as he missed his best friend, despite however poisonous either one was for him.

When they landed, Jongdae secretly hoped that the others would be hiding in the vans waiting to take them to the dorms, or practice, or whatever they were doing, but unfortunately, he didn’t see a single K member until he arrived at the dorms to drop off his stuff, and it was only Joonmyun there saying the others had went out and that he was staying back to welcome his beloved M members.

Joonmyun hugged him and whispered in his ear, “How have you been doing lately? Baekhyun never tells us what you guys talk about.” Jongdae simply laughs at that and tells his hyung that he wouldn’t want to know anything about their conversations, and that yes, he’s been doing rather well.

Jongdae may not want to admit it, but he did sorta miss Joonmyun’s caring self; his hyungs in China (Minseok, Luhan, Kris, and Yixing) certainly did watch after him and make sure he was healthy and happy, but it’s nice seeing Joonmyun’s loving face again. He’s amazed by quite how much he’s missed Korea, and he’s finally very excited to be here again and promote as twelve.

He just hopes that everything goes as well as he’s optimistically expecting.

-

The first couple of days back were really nice.

When the other K members came back later in the day, there were a lot of screams from the door when they entered the dorm and saw their fellow M members sitting on the couch watching a random drama. There was also a lot of running, and hugging, and though Jongdae enjoyed Chanyeol’s gasps and yells of excitement when he saw Jongdae after “such a long time”, Jongdae was really waiting for Baekhyun’s squeals and hugs.

Baekhyun, with his ever fine composure, strolled into the dorm second to last and though his eyes brightened visibly when he saw the others, he didn’t show it too much in his stride to get to them. Baekhyun hugged everyone before he got to Jongdae, and he didn’t know how to take that: would he get a more special hug because he’s last, or should he feel like crap that Baekhyun wouldn’t even hug him first?

He didn’t have much time to ponder that because it was finally his turn for Baekhyun’s hug, and he’s kinda happy now that he was the last one because his was certainly the longest, and he got a special, “I missed you way too much for it to be healthy.” whispered into his ear. He looked at Baekhyun and smiled, and he thought that all of the issues he had from trainee days had disappeared and he could finally restore the friendship he and Baekhyun had, without the worry of mental competitions over the most miscellaneous things.

-

So, he was wrong.

His issues did come back. It just took a little time.

When the twelve started learning about their new single “Wolf”, naturally, they were all pretty pumped and excited, Jongdae included.

It’s when he realizes that he and Baekhyun sing together on a vocally challenging part that his anxiety returns. Because, it’s just a return to the long days of vocal practice during training, where he and Baekhyun were told to duet, and, when he cracked or he slipped up, Baekhyun was rewarded and he felt ultimately belittled.

It’s a return to him realizing that he’s not the best at something if Baekhyun does it better. And in his mind, anything Baekhyun does is better.

Everyone has to finish learning their vocal attributions to the song before they can begin to learn choreography, for which Jongdae is very grateful. He can sing, he can hit the notes they’re telling him to hit at this one part in the song; he has the stamina for that. He doesn’t want to think about what will happen to this stamina and ability when he puts it with his mediocre-at-best dancing; he’s not prepared for cracking, vocally or mentally.

In vocal practice, SM separated the twelve of them into various groups to best benefit the different sections/aspects of the song. Kris, Chanyeol, Jongin and Sehun were taken into a room to improve flow and rhythm; Yixing and Zitao were trained in Korean pronunciation; Kyungsoo, Luhan, Baekhyun, Jongdae, Joonmyun, and Minseok were separated from the others to work on vocal technique, stamina, breath control, and anything else SM could think to improve in its vocalists.

During the vocal practices, after Jongdae somewhat relieved his fear of dueting with Baekhyun, Baekhyun cracks right when Jongdae comes in to harmonize with him, and Jongdae’s face revealed shock, because Baekhyun never messes up; he’s better than him at everything, and for once, he wasn’t the one who messed up. What is this world?

And, fortunately (or unfortunately) for Jongdae, Baekhyun’s mess up renews his previous desire to be the best even more, seeing as now he feels like he has potential to be the best. And no, not just the best in singing.

The best in everything, in all his mental competitions with Baekhyun.

That night, the night after Baekhyun messed up in vocal practice, Jongdae has his first panic attack in over six months. He was (thankfully) sitting in his dorm room alone, mentally calculating how he would improve his vocal abilities and improve his dancing skills to be up to par with his other dance line bandmates, when his chest started to constrict and the overwhelming feeling of losing control of his body and thoughts arose. His throat tightened along with his hands in his bed sheets, and he wheezed out a desperate cry for air. The attack lasted for four, dreadful minutes, and when Jongdae finally calmed down and looked at himself in the mirror, he touched his face, then the mirror’s face, then his own again and wondered if he had really ever been healthy and happy all along, or if that all was simply a calm before the storm.

-

It takes two and a half weeks to completely finish the vocal work that applies to the new single, and Jongdae hasn’t called his mum once since the time he arrived in Korea. He feels like he should be ashamed, but he’s a man on a mission and can’t afford any distractions from his main goal: to be the best.

In those two and a half weeks, Jongdae somehow has a panic attack close to everyday, none of them lasting more than ten minutes. When a vocal day was especially stressful (Baekhyun receives more praise than him, or he cracks on his run, or something to that effect), he can have up to three or four attacks, still lasting the same length of time. On those days, he usually finds himself running from the vocal practices rooms under the pretense of really, really having to use the bathroom, or needing some fresh air, or stopping his mild cough. He’s become so prepared for his attacks that he now has excuses to leave the room whenever he feels one coming on, because letting himself be seen by his bandmates in the middle of an attack is literally the last thing he ever wants to happen.

Once the vocals are out of the way, they begin to learn the choreography, and he doesn’t know if he’s happy or sad that he and Baekhyun aren’t in the same group of six that performs before the members switch out and the other group of six enters the dance site. He’s sad that he can’t see Baekhyun smiling and enjoying himself with his other bandmates, but he can’t deny that he’s glad that he can’t see him learning the choreography better than he is. At least he has Yixing in his group of six, and if he has any issues, he’s sure he can count on his Chinese hyung.

SM has predicted that the dance will take them multiple months to learn and master, and Jongdae isn’t surprised because the first time he’s told where he’s supposed to stand (down to the angle of his arm) to ensure that the cave looks authentic when Joonmyun slides under it, he has to excuse himself to get some water and cool off because he feels an attack rising in his chest, and once again, he really doesn’t need the others to see him in a state like that.

Practices are incredibly long for this comeback, and they are even longer because Jongdae employs the help of Yixing, just like in trainee days. Yixing helps him with the ever so specific angle at his elbow, and when they finally begin to learn the Chinese version of the dance later in the month, he helps him with his slide as well. In return, Jongdae always makes sure to help Yixing with his Korean, and at least now he doesn’t feel as selfish as he did back in trainee days when he asked for help and gave nothing in return.

Jongdae had created a system for himself that worked: wake up, short two minute panic attack, eat a little breakfast, sing, sing, sing, hear Baekhyun sing, panic attack, dance practice, panic attack, somehow see Baekhyun dance, panic attack, practice with Yixing, grab dinner, panic attack in his bed, go to sleep. Though it was considerably hectic and debatably not in the slightest healthy, Jongdae continued through his daily life preparing for comeback in this fashion, and no one ever suspecting a thing was wrong with him.

And if he told himself that enough times, maybe he would believe it himself.

-

One late night while practicing their new choreography, Jongdae rushed into the bathroom on their break breathing hard, limbs tingling, and body shaking.

He leans his arms on the sink and stares at himself in the mirror, at the mess he is. He places his phone between his shoulder and his ear, and then he calls him mum because he’s broken and feels like he should be crying.

“Jongie? You haven’t called in a while! I’ve seen you on the TV a lot lately! How have you been doing?”

Jongdae takes a large breath before answering, shakily. “I don’t understand how you could let me do this to myself.”

“What are you talking about, honey? What’s wrong?” His mother asks, concerned.

“I’ve murdered any reminiscent of the sweet, innocent, cute choir boy you once knew mum. I’ve slaughtered him, and in turn, have placed a nasty, sort of cocky, unlovable creature in his wake. And it’s like I can’t do anything about it.” He chokes on a sob and he feels the panic rising from his stomach.

“Jongdae-ah! Please don’t speak like that! Baby, I love you! I love you, my baby boy.”

Jongdae thinks he hears his mother crying, but he’s so far gone from this reality and from logical speech that he can’t really comprehend it. “How can I believe you? How can I believe anyone? If training, and SM, and being in a boyband in general has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t believe. You can’t trust. Because just when you do, it’s as if your whole infrastructure will fall apart. Mum, I just want to believe the lies that I’m good at something, that I’m the best at something, that I can actually be loved.”

Before his mother can tell him again how much she loves him, and how she’s not lying, and how she just wants to hold him in her arms and tell him everything will be okay, Jongdae hangs up on her and falls to his knees in front of the toilet as he feels the “panic” in his stomach rise through his esophagus, and he’d certainly rather not have his mother hear this.

Contrary to somehow popular belief among his bandmates (though, Jongdae doesn’t know this), Jongdae wasn’t puking in the dance hall’s bathroom because he has bulimic tendencies; he was puking because he has recurring panic attacks, and sometimes he gets so anxious he throws up the little bit he had to eat in the first place.

After vomiting into the toilet bowl, Jongdae didn’t even have the energy to lift his arm to flush it before his head falls on the toilet seat and his tears mix with his vomit. His chest is tightening again and he can hardly breathe as it is, and now his body is trying to compensate for the tightened chest by forcing more breaths per minute, but that’s not such a wise decision because with each breath he takes, Jongdae feels like his throat is being ripped apart partially because of vomiting, partially because of the acid in the air from the vomit.

Soon enough, he’s shaking and his head has abandoned the toilet seat in favor of the floor and he’s wheezing and coughing and he’s really afraid he’s going to somehow die like this, pitifully crying on the tile floor of a dance studio’s bathroom. He hears his phone vibrating on the sink, like a constant buzz lulling him to sleep.

He vaguely registers some knocking on the door and some screaming telling him to hurry up in there, or something to that effect. He tries to lift his body, but realizing that his body feels like ten thousand tons and that he has only a caterpillar's strength, he wiggles his way towards the door and slams his head against it and he’s seeing the fading reality like he did the time he fell out in the studio.

He thinks he’s in there for more than twenty minutes with continuous panicky symptoms - but he’s not really sure, because a second is a minute in his world right now - and he’s relieved when he sees a stream of outside light and that’s all he sees or hears before he blacks out and completely loses touch with reality.

-

The way he wakes up feel similar to the way he woke up from his first panic attack, except this time he hears a lot of loud noise and he doesn’t feel like he’s on a comfortable couch.

And, sure enough, he isn’t. He’s lying on the cold, uneven, hardwood floor that he fell on during his first panic attack, and just the memory nearly sends him into a second attack for the night. He jolts up, not wanting to lie on the floor conducive to his attacks, and his sudden movement attracts the attention of his bandmates who are still going through the dance without him. And damn, he really needed this practice.

Sehun notices him first and starts to walk over to him, but Minseok, Kris, and Luhan (got to love his EXO-M members to death, Jongdae thinks) just about push the maknae out of the way in a race to get to him first.

“Jongdae-ah! I thought you said you’d tell us whenever you felt an attack coming on.” Luhan angrily yells, and Yixing runs to turn off the music. The EXO-K members for the most part look incredibly lost, seeing as his panic attacks are still a secret among the seven (Kris, Luhan, Minseok, Joonmyun, Yixing, Kyungsoo, and himself) of them.

“You realize you have more than twenty missed calls from your mother; and that’s just from the time you were in the bathroom, let alone the time you have been lying out here.” Kris seethingly says.

“Guys, you’re acting like it’s his fault.” Kyungsoo pleads.

“And,” Joonmyun has that crying look on his face again, dammit, “What’s this about Baekhyun saying when he took you out of the bathroom he smelled and saw vomit? What’s going on with you, Jongdae? I thought you were getting better-” Jongdae tries to stand up to flee because he’s so not ready for this conversation, not with everyone staring around him mirroring Luhan’s doe eyes. The moment he stands, he falls again because he realizes his body still feels like ten thousand tons, and he’s still weak, and he feels the second attack starting again. He’s breathing harshly and convulsing and they’re still staring at him expectantly, like he should be answering all their questions at this very moment.

Jongdae tries to open his mouth to ask for water, or space, or something, but all he can do is belch like he’s about to vomit again, so he races to the bathroom only to trip over his legs a short distance from his starting place and his right arm and stomach take the fall.

The only way he knows to show that he’s about to puke is by coughing and spitting/drooling on the floor, and sure enough, they get the message rather quickly and someone grabs a trash can and puts it in front of his face. He points to a bottle of water and someone brings it to him.

“Hm, I believe you’re right Joonmyun,” the person who hands him the water says, and he just realizes that’s Baekhyun, “I was the person who took Jongdae from the bathroom, therefore, you guys don’t need to be the ones crowding around him like he’s ed up or something. Give the guy some space, let him calm down because you must be ing blind to not realize he’s shaking like it’s below freezing outside, and he’s breathing like he just ran five miles without a break. You’re giving my best friend ing anxiety, goddammit, back up!”

All the others look at Baekhyun with awe and utter shock, but do as he said and back up against the wall while he and Jongdae are in the near middle of the dance floor.

“How about you and I leave practice early and go get some ice cream or something? You probably should eat something, Jongie.” Baekhyun whispers and smiles in his direction. He offers a hand, and Jongdae takes it gratefully but almost falls again; this time, however, he has Baekhyun to lean on and wrap his arms around, and wow why did he never think of Baekhyun when he needed to talk to someone, needed to lean on someone?

Baekhyun has his arm around Jongdae’s waist, and Jongdae’s arm is around Baekhyun’s neck, and the two of them hobble out of the studio, ignoring the cries of their bandmates telling them to come back and settle the issue at hand. Jongdae never realized how much he hated the word issue until he heard it come out of their mouths, To him, it almost spits disgust (albeit, unintentionally) and he then decides to never call whatever all this is - his problems, traumas, previously-named-issues - by that term ever again.

-

Baekhyun and he walk alongside each other in silence as the former leads the pair to a surprisingly still open ice cream parlor. They walk inside, and Baekhyun tells him to find a seat as he’s going to get their favorite ice cream.

Even though Jongdae is expecting some lecture, or a bunch of questions, he’s nonplussed that he isn’t anxious or panicky with dread; he actually finds that he may be alright with all of those questions or whatever if Baekhyun is the one asking them.

Baekhyun returns five minutes later with an extra large hot fudge sundae with two spoons in its ice cream. Usually, if someone brought ice cream to a table and expected Jongdae to eat it, he would stare at it skeptically, wondering how many calories are in two bites. Now though, he really doesn’t care and just takes one of the spoons just as Baekhyun sets it down and he begins eating away at the whipped cream and chocolate; he’s not sure if it’s because Baekhyun brought it, or he’s starting to get over his little obsessions created because of the boy across from him, but it’s not like it matters because the sundae is good, and Baekhyun is smiling at him so fondly, and Jongdae just realizes how much he’s missed hanging out with Baek and seeing all of these smiles.

Jongdae continues to be surprised because now, as he had actually expected him to, Baekhyun isn’t asking him any questions. They’re just eating away at their halfway-gone ice cream, and Baekhyun scoops some whipped cream and smears it on Jongdae’s nose and he’s laughing, then they’re both laughing, and no, Jongdae’s missed this.

Soon enough though, Jongdae does feel like Baekhyun deserves to at least know what the hell he saw in the bathroom, so he starts with, “Um, are you not going to ask anything?”

Baekhyun looks up from the ice cream to look at Jongdae blankly. “No. That’s not the reason I took you out Jongdae. I thought that you’d like a nice treat, and that you’d really like to get out of that dance hall.” He shyly laughs.

Jongdae smiles thankfully. “Um, I really appreciate it, Baek. Do you want to know? You’re my best friend even still, and I think you have a right to know, you know?” He says under his breath.

Baekhyun locks eyes with him. “That would be great? I just, god Jongdae-ah, I just want to know what happened to us. Between us. To you. I’ve missed you. And don’t tell me how you’ve been here all along because, no this hasn’t been you. This hasn’t been happy-go-lucky laugh at everything Jongdae that I know and love.”

“Um, uh Baek you’re asking a lot of questions and it’ll take all ing night to answer that whole story, that is if you’d even like to hear such a shameful tale.”

Baekhyun has serious eyes when he says, “I’ve got all night. I don’t care.”

“Okay….” He pauses and takes a breath. “Okay, so tonight’s an easier thing to explain than some of your other questions, so, uh, I’ll start with that, yeah? Um, I started feeling panicky during practice, so I ran into the bathroom…. And uh, I called my mum and said some really embarrassing stuff and then next thing I know I’m puking in the toilet, then I’m lying on the floor, then I’m laying my head on the door, then I see the door open and that’s it for my memory.”

Baekhyun nods, telling him he can continue. “So, eh, I guess you deserve to have known this before now, but eh, I’ve suffered from panic attacks more than once, especially when I’m under weird amounts of stress, or pressure, even more so when it’s self-induced. And uh, when I felt panicky going into the bathroom, that’s why, because I didn’t want you guys seeing me like that. And, well, calling my mom didn’t help at all, if only made me more upset.”

“And, before you get any ideas, I’m not bulimic; I tend to throw up when I’m as panicky as I was, and believe me, I was some of the most panicky I’ve ever been. So, yeah. That’s why I almost puked again in the studio. Well, sometime in my lying on the bathroom floor, I wanted to call for help or something, but I could hardly move my body because it felt like my heavy chest trapped me to the floor. And then, I felt the room spinning around me, and then the room started fading from sight and, well, I guess you walked in at that moment.”

Baekhyun hums, “I wouldn’t have known to come get you if your mom hadn’t called me.”

Jongdae looks flabbergasted. “My mum called you?”

Baekhyun nods. “Yes, she said she had called you so many times, and you hadn’t answered since you hung up on her, so she was incredibly worried, especially after the conversation you guys just had. I saw you go into the bathroom, so I knew where you were and went to get you - I just wasn’t expecting to see the sight I saw. Though, it is comforting to know you don’t have an eating disorder because Jongdae, you may think I never notice when you’re having problems, but I notice that you’re immaculate about your weight and calorie counts. I notice a lot of things like that, but I always thought you’d tell me when you felt you were ready, and I guess I just wasn’t trustful enough, god I’m so stupid.” Baekhyun whispers the last part and Jongdae swears he sees tears in Baekhyun’s eyes, and he’s trying his hardest to swallow down his upcoming panic.

Jongdae quickly reaches across the table and holds Baekhyun’s hands. “No, no, NO, Baekhyun now you’re being stupid in thinking you’re not trustful. God. It’s really hard to explain why I became ed up, and it’ll take time to explain, but I want you to know because you’re the best thing I have other than my mother and I can’t lose you and what will I do without you and Baekhyun please know that-” Baekhyun ends Jongdae’s ramble by staring into his eyes again, and seeing the same emotion he’s feeling swimming in Jongdae’s eyes, Baekhyun affectionately smiles at him and plants a sweet kiss on his forehead, and wow Jongdae's surprised by how much he wishes Baekhyun would actually kiss him, but them he remembers that he vomited about an hour ago, and now that he thinks about it, it’s probably best that he doesn’t even attempt that.

Soon after that, the two laugh like old times over the dumb things the members do, or something they saw on the internet, or whatever they’re currently doing to each other’s faces with the whipped cream. When the two walk out of the parlor with their stomachs full with sugary goodness, Jongdae sighs in content because he’s so glad he’s on great terms with Baekhyun again.

-

The two got in considerably later than the other guys, and as Jongdae didn’t want to wake up his roommates, (and mostly didn’t want them to ask him any questions when he felt so elated), he decided he’d crash on the couch. Baekhyun looked over at him, shook his head, and went into his own room to grab an extra blanket and pillow for him; Baekhyun doesn’t have to worry about waking up his roommates because Chanyeol could probably sleep through a tornado, so when he gives the sleeping supplies to Jongdae, he returns to his bedroom, leaving Jongdae to sleep by himself in the living room.

The next morning, Jongdae wakes up to Yixing turning on the television and sitting opposite of him on the floor in a similar fashion as the time he woke up after having his first panic attack. Jongdae, being surprised and all, nearly flops off the couch, and Yixing just looks up from his lap with his dazed look he always has.

“Yixing, what are you doing?” Jongdae asks as he clutches his chest.

“Hmm, I just wanted to keep you company and make sure you were alright.”

“Thanks Xingxing, but I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

Yixing’s face falls flat. “I don’t need to worry? Every time you have these attacks, they’re always when you’re in dance practice. Jongdae, if you feel like we’re pushing you too hard, all you need to do is say-”

Jongdae interrupts him with a sigh. “Yixing, I told you last time this happened that you didn’t push me too hard. A lot of it is self-induced, okay? If you really want to keep me company, just sit up on the couch, since you’ve already awaken me, and let’s watch the 6 AM news together, okay?”

Yixing smiles and feels better, and he plops down beside the other. “Jongdae, I didn’t want to ask you about all this when the others wake up because they’re going to bombard you with questions probably and I didn’t want to start a never-ending cycle of questions. I just wanted to make sure you’re alright, you know? I just always want to make sure our bandmates are alright.”

Jongdae looks over at him, and seeing the genuinity in his eyes, he replies, “Thanks again; I really appreciate it Xingxing.”

Not long after that, the members start to wake, starting with Luhan and Minseok who race over to him to make sure he’s alright or whatever. He really just thinks they’re being annoying because Yixing is right beside him and he’s assuring them that he’s fine (bless Yixing, seriously), but they seem to pay him to no regard.

Thankfully, his rescue comes in the form of Byun Baekhyun who is surprisingly the fifth member up (if he counts himself). When he walks out of his room and sees the eldest hyungs in a questioning stance in front of Jongdae, he speeds into the living area and says, “Jongdae-ah, you’re awake so early! Here, let’s go see what’s good to eat!” He then grabs Jongdae’s arm and leads him to the kitchen, with a certain group of hyungs following them.

“Baekhyun-ah,” Minseok begins, “We were in the middle of asking Jongdae some important stuff, alright? Only the hyungs really knew what was going on last night, so it’s best that you let us completely figure out what happened.”

Baekhyun sneers in his direction. “Are you serious? Dude, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you guys really knew what was going on last night, no one would have yelled at Jongdae, and the whole event wouldn’t have happened in the first place because you already knew about it or what the hell ever.” He leads Jongdae to the cabinet to check for cereals or other breakfast foods.

Luhan looks offended. “Baekhyun-ah, do you realize what you said? You speak like you actually know what’s been troubling Jongdae for the past few months. Like you were in China with him when he recovered. Like you saw him get progressively worse as we came back to Korea. Don’t give me this bull like you know what’s going on.”

Baekhyun covers Jongdae’s ears, and he knows that he will still hear whatever is said, but Baekhyun hopes that Jongdae will understand that he’s doing it as a means to show that he wants to protect him from all of this so early in the morning. “You’re right, guys. I wasn’t the best friend I should have been. I don’t deny that. But you don’t know Jongdae as well as I do, and you never will. He probably doesn’t want to talk about last night so early this morning, so will you please give the boy some space?”

They finally relent, albeit, grumbling. Baekhyun removes his hands, grabs a bowl, and pours Jongdae a bowl of granola. Jongdae looks up at him with a face that screams What is this?, but Baekhyun simply smiles and says it’s for him. Jongdae accepts the bowl and walks to the dining table; Baekhyun pours himself a bowl and joins him at the table, and the two chatter over miscellaneous topics, from SNSD hits to their favorite clothing. It’s all pretty mild, and Jongdae couldn’t be happier that he has a friend who doesn’t want to talk about last night as much as he doesn’t.

Ten minutes after the two finish their breakfasts, a swarm of band mates come out out of their individual rooms and Jongdae intakes a noticeable gulp of breath, and he feels his chest start to pound in his chest. Just the idea of having to explain himself to the others will cause him to have another attack, less than twelve hours after the one under inspection. Baekhyun hears his gulp of air, puts down his phone which had just a few seconds ago preoccupied his attention, and looks over at him while grabbing his hand. With the steady grip of Baekhyun’s hand in his, Jongdae feels his pulse slow down, and he starts to calm down. A little.

No one says anything at first; Joonmyun, Zitao, and Jongin look for something to snack on before practice later in the morning, while Sehun, Kris, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol plop down on the couch with Yixing. Baekhyun and Jongdae were on the loveseat beside the couch where the majority of the band was sitting, and Jongdae notices Chanyeol’s gaze and he can’t help his breath speeding up again, because even if everyone’s being conveniently silent now, he knows he’s in for something soon. Baekhyun simply grips his hand tighter while laying his head on Jongdae’s shoulder.

When Joonmyun and the other two return the kitchen five minutes later, They sit on the floor in front and beside the couch where Kris and the others are sitting. The living area was so silent for estimately twenty seconds that one could drop a pin on the ground and hear it; that is until Joonmyun drops his spoon into his bowl and starts the conversation Jongdae has been dreading since Yixing woke him up this morning.

“Now that everyone’s awake and present, Jongdae,” Joonmyun quietly begins as Luhan and Minseok return from who knows where to sit near the leader, “On behalf of the group, I’d like to say that we’re all really worried for you. The M guys told me that your condition had gotten better with your time in China, but now it appears that it’s just as concerning as it was pre-debut. Jongdae, what’s happened?”

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, this conversation can not be happening right now. Jongdae thinks as he silently stares at this dot on the wall right past Joonmyun’s head.

“Aiish,” Chanyeol adds, “I don’t even know what’s going on! Jongdae, I thought we were friends! How could you keep something like this from me, from us?

Jongdae sighs and he feels like he could start to cry except he doesn’t cry in front of his band mates, ever. Baekhyun lets go of his hand for a split second and Jongdae feels all his resolve go down the drain until he feels his arm wrap around his waist, and Baekhyun grabs his hand with his other hand, and somehow he makes this whole arrangement work, and Jongdae isn’t as afraid anymore.

Some of the others voice complaints about not knowing what’s going on, and Yixing tries to calm everyone down by saying Jongdae will say what happened whenever he’s fully comfortable, but as usual with Yixing, everyone thinks he’s speaking rubbish and completely ignores what he says in favor of repeatedly saying the same questions in the direction of Baekhyun and Jongdae. They both simply remain silent until the room somehow returns to silence five or so minutes later.

Luhan finally speaks up, “Jongdae-ah, are you going to tell them, or should I tell them and while you stay silent? They deserve to know, and you don’t have to speak if you don’t want to.”

By this point, Baekhyun is seething with anger, and lets go of Jongdae’s waist,  stands up, then grabs the other boy’s hand and pulls him into a standing position as well.

“I appreciate that you’re ever so willing to speak for the sake of Jongdae,” Baekhyun snarkily states, “But, isn’t it better if I say a few things before you start telling the information you supposedly know?” When Jongdae analyzes everyone’s faces, they mirror the shock he saw last night when Baekhyun told them to back up.

Baekhyun turns his head to look at Jongdae and whispers in his ear, “Do you want them to know? If you don’t, I’ll just tell them how they need to mind their ing business. I don’t really give a either way.” Jongdae laughs at Baekhyun’s foul language because it’s really funny to hear whispered, somehow still with rage.

He slowly nods his head agreeing that it’s okay, and then whispers back, “Can you just confirm that I don’t have an eating disorder, and say that I was really upset last night and this isn’t making me feel any better? Thanks, Baek.” Baekhyun kisses his cheek in return, and Jongdae doesn’t know if his cheeks brighten because he’s embarrassed about what Baekhyun about to say, or if he actually enjoyed Baekhyun’s kiss a little too much in a platonic relationship.

“Okay, so about last night,” Baekhyun lazily says as he swings his and Jongdae’s hands forwards and backwards, “It wasn’t really anyone’s business in the first place, so I out front apologize to Jongdae that I even mentioned that there was vomit in the toilet to Joonmyun. I’m sorry Chenchen.” Baekhyun pauses and stares into Jongdae’s eyes before facing towards Joonmyun and resuming. “But, to clear anything up about that, Jongdae doesn’t have an eating disorder; he’s alright in that aspect. He told me last night that sometimes he pukes when he gets too nervous and anxious, and it just so happened that last night was one of those nights where he was too nervous and anxious.”

Zitao is still looking at Baekhyun vexedly. “That still doesn’t answer why Jongie was nervous in the first place. Or why he passed out.”

Jongdae hears a few chants of “Yeah!” and looks frighteningly at Baekhyun who intertwines their fingers before beginning to speak again. “Honestly, unless you already know, I don’t think it’s any of your ing business. If you really want to help Jongdae, you would stop asking all these questions,” He stares pointedly at Zitao, “You wouldn’t imply that Jongdae’s being a bad friend or whatever by not telling you about his concerns,” Baekhyun moves his stare to Chanyeol, “And, mostly importantly, you wouldn’t be a major by confronting him about this when you apparently already ing know about his problem and yet you’re currently helping to induce it.” Baekhyun equally glares at Joonmyun, Luhan, and Minseok.

With that said, he leads Jongdae out of the room filled with questioning stares from their bandmates, and into his own bedroom where he allows Jongdae to sit on his bed while he stands in front of him.

“Jongdae-ah,” Baekhyun sweetly begins, and even though he promised himself he’d never cry in front of his bandmates, especially not Baekhyun because that was another stupid, mental competition he had between the two of them, Jongdae feels his eyes starting to fill with water uncontrollably.

“Jongdae-ah, you know I love you and all, and I’ll happily hold your hand whenever you want me to,” Baekhyun wistfully stares at the ceiling, not that Jongdae would notice because he’s still trying to keep any tears at bay, “But, you and I both know that you don’t want me to be the solution to your problems. You need to sit down by yourself and realize that this - your panic attacks - is a recurring problem, and you need to do something about it. When you went to sleep last night, I did a little research on panic attacks and panic disorder.” Baekhyun says the last sentence slowly, almost as if he was worried about Jongdae’s reaction to that. Jongdae just nods his head while staring at his lap.

Baekhyun sighs. “Jongdae, you shouldn’t be passing out after these attacks. Have you passed out after one before the one last night?”

Jongdae looks up and he notices how distraught Baekhyun looks and he doesn’t know if he wants to look away or just stare at him unbelievingly. “Yes, at least one time. That’s the time that caused Joonmyun and all them to learn about all of this.” Jongdae moves his hand in the air, as if to signify what “all of this” is.

“That’s not alright; I can’t believe Joonmyun didn’t research this, aiish…. Okay, so I did look up last night about you passing out from these panic attacks, and most people who had these attacks said that they had never passed out, and another person, who did say that he or she had passed out before, said it was possible to prevent that with proper breath control - which is certainly something you can do by now, with how hard you worked in vocal practice.” Baekhyun smiles at him uneasily.

“Yeah, I can do that, but, how do I prevent these more? I feel like the reason I have these attacks in… Nevermind, I’d rather not say it.” Jongdae starts to feel anxious again. I was this close to telling Baekhyun he was the problem. Or who he was. Or who I was.

Baekhyun sits on the bed beside him and places his hand on his cheek as to turn his head so he’s looking at Baekhyun. “What do you not want to say to me?”

“Forget it Baek, it’s really stupid.”

“It’s not really stupid if it can help you! We need to figure out what’s making you anxious!” Baekhyun hurriedly replies.

“I can assure you that it’s not a big deal-”

“Yes it is-”

“NO, I’d really rather not say-”

Jongdae, I just want you to get better-”

“And, I’d be better if I never told you-”

“Jongdae, that’s a lie and we both know it! You need to tell me-”

“FINE! Fine.” Jongdae’s breathing harsh breaths, and Baekhyun takes his hand again, but instead of it calming him down, it actually increases his anxiety because how does he casually say to his best friend that he contributed to him being ed up? He lets go of his hand quickly and begins speaking.

“Baek, you’re my best friend,” He takes a ragged breath, “Please understand that, and remember that through all of this. And please, don’t hate me, okay? Promise?”

“Jongie, I could never-”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Baekhyun takes his pinkie and loops it around Jongdae’s and wow if that wasn’t the most nostalgic thing he’s felt all week.

“This is going to sound really ing weird… but um, I started noticing these problems about half way into training, and um, it’s really hard to explain why they happened….”

Baekhyun’s eyes grow incredibly large. “This has been going on since predebut?”

Jongdae simply nods his head, because he’s about to give the worse explanation of his life, he’d rather save his badly phrased words for later. “Baek, I…. My…. anxiety…. It’s triggered by…. Well…. You.” Jongdae quickly looks away from Baekhyun so he doesn’t have to see the hurt in his best friend’s eyes, but he was too late because he saw just a bit of his eyes and they looked like they were about to release waterfalls, and Jongdae thinks it’s a god awful time to think he may actually win this mental competition.

“What… What do you mean, Jongdae? What do you mean it’s me? It can’t be me, I helped you out there earlier, didn’t I? Didn’t I? Oh God Jongdae, look at me!” Baekhyun voice increases in intensity with every sentence. He grabs Jongdae’s head again, and the two stare into each other’s eyes, and Jongdae feels a tear slide down his own face before Baekhyun releases one, and he realizes he’s lost every ing competition he’s ever waged against Baekhyun, and now’s the time to just give it a rest and tell him everything. He’s already lost, what else can he lose? (He conveniently doesn’t even consider losing Baek; he did promise that he wouldn’t hate him, after all.)

“Baek, please don’t hate me. It’s really hard to explain, as I said earlier. It’s not that it’s you-”

“Then who the hell is it? Can’t you understand the guilt and pain I feel for apparently causing my best friend to have panic attacks and anxiety?” Baekhyun finally releases a silent tear, and that in itself causes Jongdae to let waterworks fall from his eyes.

“Baek, would you please not interrupt me? Okay? I’m trying to give an explanation, okay? So, um, maybe it’s not you. Maybe it’s who you are. Or what you do. Or maybe it’s who I am, and what I do. I’ve never really figured it out.” Jongdae looks over at Baekhyun again to notice he’s quietly and discreetly sobbing, and he grabs Baekhyun’s hand and intertwines their fingers like Baekhyun did earlier when he was feeling anxious. Baekhyun looks up at him, his eyes telling him to continue.

“Okay, maybe it’s none of those things. Maybe it’s simply me. I’ll tell you how all this began, maybe you can decide for me.” Jongdae pauses as he stares at the corner of Baekhyun’s shared room that could use cleaning.

“When I first met you, I was really amazed by your aura and talent, and I was worried I wouldn’t even make it into SM. When we both made it in, I thought SM was pulling a sick joke on the both of us since we had such similar stats and roles in whatever group they were planning.” He chokes out a dark, dry laugh.

“I thought they were going to pick one of us, not both. I was so glad I found a friend in you, but I was also driven into immense competition with you mentally because I wanted to feel like I was the best at something. It started out with singing, and how I’d sing for hours during and after practice. I was always practicing, remember those days?”

Baekhyun wheezes on his laugh, from sobs or actual laughter, Jongdae’s not sure. “That’s still happening, Chennie Chen.”

“Yeah, well, it was way more extreme then. And, I realized then that we were pretty much tied in talent, but I was too stupid to accept that. These little competitions escalated from there, to who was better at learning the new choreography, since we were both so new to it. It was most of the time you, so of course I asked Yixing to help me improve my dancing so I was at least up to par with you.”

“Why me-” Baekhyun begins but is cut off by Jongdae speaking again.

“From there, I worried about who would diet better. God, thinking about that stupid diet SM tried to enforce makes me cringe. You were already a few kilos lower than me, you didn’t need to lose any-”

“Are you sure don’t have an eating-”

“Weight. One of the other competition was who could keep his composure, or some bull. I should have known I was going to fail, because most people don’t obsessively compare themselves to other people, let alone their best friend. Sure enough, one day while I was trying to keep my cool while dancing with Yixing and Jongin, while thinking about that diet plan and other things, I fell out on the floor, and that’s when I experienced my first identified panic attack, and I out then, too….” Jongdae takes a pause to collect his thoughts.

Baekhyun seems to be doing the same thing. “Is… Is that why the guys said that you were better in China, Jongdae? Because I wasn’t there for you to compare yourself to? I wasn’t there…. God, Jongdae….” He takes his hand out of Jongdae’s and wraps his arms around him in a hug.

“I mean, that makes sense. I can’t lie to you Baek and say that my anxiety didn’t go back up when we started promoting as twelve, because it did. It reminded me of how I was compared to you. But, last night made me realize how much I miss just hanging out with you, eating ice cream and skipping practice. Reminds me of the first week as trainees when we would sneak snacks into the dance studios and munch when no one was looking.”

Baekhyun laughs into his shoulder, and Jongdae thinks that feels nice. “Right now, I’m not anxious; I feel like a lot of it has fallen out of my mind, and before you say anything, it’s not you that caused my anxiety to fade suddenly: it was telling you all the I’ve been hiding for so long. It’s not like those mental competitions mattered anyway; I lost every single one of them, so I thought I might as well tell you the jist of all of it now, and hope you don’t hate me. Aiish, kkaebsong.” Jongdae murmur beside Baekhyun’s ear.

“God Jongie, I don’t hate you,” Baekhyun whines, “How could you think that? You realize the only reason you lost those games with yourself was because you had an idea in your mind of me at my ultimate perfection, and you at your weakest? You predestined yourself to never win because you subconsciously wanted to lose, not because losing’s awesome, but because you thought it might cause you to change for the better. I don’t know; I don’t know your mind. This whole time though, I’ve been wondering, why? Why me? Why do this to yourself?”

Jongdae mutters. “You already said it; you were perfect, and I wasn’t. We were admitted at the same time, and to me, there had to be some catch, some victor. And, I don’t know Baekhyun, my mind made and makes no ing sense, can we take a break from digging into the pit of my brain?”

Baekhyun justs huffs in response and the two of them stay in their embrace for some unknown amount of time. Jongdae departs from the hug and asks, “So, what now?”

Baekhyun scoots closer so that he can still lay his head on Jongdae’s shoulder. “What do you mean?”

Jongdae sighs. “I don’t know? I mean, I feel better now, and I’m not anxious. I feel like even if I haven’t found the ultimate root of my problems or whatever, I’ve helped to solve them? But, I’m just afraid that when we go back out into the living room and I’m confronted by the guys again, this strong resolve I’ve created will disappear, and I’ll fall victim to another attack, right in front of them. And, god Baek, I don’t want to have these attacks anymore.” Jongdae chokes on his last sentence, because until now, he had taken SM’s advice: ignore the problem, and maybe it’ll go away. It’s only now that he sees that the problem was still there the whole time, and perhaps the opposite of their advice may have actually saved him a lot of time and pain: acknowledge the situation, and do something about it.

Baekhyun hums in response. “And if you fall? You’ll just get back up; it’s a lot easier to get up when you have a friend willing to pull you up than doing everything by yourself, you know.” Jongdae can feel Baekhyun’s smile beside him, and he turns his head and sees the other boy’s bright grin on his shoulder, and Jongdae swoons, and maybe Jongdae was so obsessive over all things Baek because maybe he wanted to be good enough for Baekhyun. Maybe that’s what it is.

As Jongdae is pondering over the root of his problems yet again, Baekhyun lifts his head from his shoulder and analyzes Jongdae’s blank stare into nothingness. Baekhyun waves a hand in front of his face and he murmurs, “Huh, what?” Baekhyun simply laughs at Jongdae’s cluelessness and plants a kiss on his forehead. He then makes an effort to stand up and go back into the living room while Jongdae is still figuring things out. It’s probably best that he finishes the story he began earlier without Jongdae there to hear the others’ moans of sadness, or disappointment at not being told before, etc.

Just as he stands in front of the bed, Jongdae looks up at him with an expression Baekhyun has seen on his face before, but has never managed to decipher. It doesn’t take him too long to figure out what it means now because Jongdae has pulled his arm back towards the bed, and when Baekhyun was close enough, he brought his head down, looked in his eyes for .4 seconds, and closed them in favor of meeting Baekhyun’s lips with his own; Baekhyun returns the kiss thoroughly, though he is dumbstruck that Jongdae wants to kiss him, and that he finds himself enjoying the kiss more than he had ever anticipated.

Jongdae pulls away first, and smiles perhaps the widest smile Baekhyun has ever seen on his face, even wider than the time he called his mum to tell her their first video was filmed, or that time Chanyeol fell in the shower.

Jongdae hums, then he looks Baekhyun in the eyes, smile never faltering. “Hmm, I think I’m ready to go tell the guys the abridged version of everything.” Baekhyun leans in again and steals a short, chaste kiss and leads the two of them hand in hand out of his bedroom and into the living area to address the still present, unanswered questions of their fellow bandmates.

-

And maybe, his traumas he created for himself really had nothing to do with wanting to be better than Baekhyun. In retrospect, he doesn’t see it that way.

As he looks back on his trainee days, through MAMA, and now as he performs Wolf, and more recently Growl and Miracles in December, alongside his other members, he has to think logically and wonder if it was simply his mind playing tricks on him that whole time.

When he asked Baekhyun during a movie date night in his room about his trainee days and if he noticed a substantial difference between himself and Jongdae in anything, Baekhyun simply replied with, “We were tied, in everything. Haven’t we already been over this? You took one step forward, I took a step forward. You swerved to the side, so did I. We seriously are one, you know. And now that I’ve said enough corny to last a lifetime, pass the popcorn loser.”

And, even everyone else (mostly Joonmyun, Kyungsoo, Luhan, and Yixing - the ever enlightened one) agrees that Jongdae was perhaps so focused on Baekhyun because they were connected in some sense, like it was fate that they both attended the same audition. Yixing thinks they’re spiritually connected or some like that, and although maybe Jongdae doesn’t believe (or understand) all that Yixing was saying about the two of them, he has to admit that he’s glad that the others agree with him to some extent about himself and Baekhyun.

Now that Jongdae thinks about it, he will never deny that he had legitimate trauma; no one should ever say it was all made up. The panic attacks were real, the hunger pains were real, the constant feelings of “I’m not worthy.” were real.

But, Jongdae can say officially that maybe all of those things weren’t caused by Baekhyun, or who he was, or what he did.

Maybe they were caused by Jongdae’s inherent need to be connected to Baekhyun, just then, it was an unhealthy tie between the two. Now, as Baekhyun is in Jongdae’s bed with him and they have to wake up in a few hours and get ready to prepare for their latest comeback, Jongdae thinks that the two are truly connected, and he can honestly say he is the happiest he’s ever been.