In the midst of her pain…, and fear. She finally found something that can make her forget. Make her feel above the clouds and satisfied.

Then her sane brain snapped.

She saw the red liquid dripping down from her wrist to the floor. Just a few drop could make such a pool right beside her legs.

Taeyeon panicked when she looked at it.

“Blood…. Blood….”

She pulled out some tissues from the table and wiped it. When she wiped the blood, she could clearly see the scar craving on her arm.

It was very visible.

She took out more and more tissue, panicking. Her eyes rolled left and right, her sweat falling down, she quickly wiped the blood around her, and on her wrist.

Even when the floor was clean, the stain was still there. Even though the liquid on her hand disappeared, the scar didn’t.

She stared at it, thinking of what others would say if they saw it.

“Taeyeon. Look what you just did. You’re just the same as others.” Said the voice.

Taeyeon touched the scar, feeling disappointed by herself. She cried while holding the sobs, pushing all the tears out.

“No…, I didn’t want this. I never wanted this.” Her body bent down with her head on the floor. “So…, why. Why does it have to be me?

 

…what did I do wrong?”

---

Then the blade kept passing again and again. Whole week, whole month. With the same routine everyday, she could only see the calendar flipping by.

Another hour passed, waiting for her to slice. Then another slice. Then another slice. And another.

Until she could no longer say that ‘my cat scratched me’.

“What should I do?” She said to herself.

She leaned to the wall at the corner of the room.

“It’s too late to get back.”

She could see the numerous scars on her hand.

“There was never a chance to get back after all.”

It was all around her hand.

“Should I….”

It was unsightly.

“… do it again?”

 

“Taeyeon!” Her mother called. That stopped her from taking the scissors.

“Taeyeon, come here! Help me with some stuff!”

Taeyeon stood up limply and replied back.

“Yeah, I’m coming mom!” She took out a jacket from her wardrobe and wore it. Then she felt a slight relieve, now that she didn’t cut and there won’t be stains on the jacket.

“If I cut and the blood was still there, I don’t know what my mom would say…” She murmured.

“Oh, you think she’s going to scream, panic, and rush you to the hospital?”

Said the voice.

Taeyeon bowed down her head. She felt the disgusting aura coming from her heart. She wanted it to stop. But ‘it’ never intended to do so.

“Taeyeon!” Her mother voice snapped her mind. She ran towards her mom, leaving the voices behind with a bang to the door.

“Sorry mom.” She apologized. “So, what can I help?”

Her mom looked at her with a sight of disbelief. “Really, what took you so long?” Then she pointed to some ingredients at the kitchen table. “Slice that.”

Taeyeon turned and saw the vegetables prepared for dinner. And the shiny blade next to it, a knife.

“Should I…” She pointed at herself. “… cut it all?”

Her mother looked at her again and nodded.

“Yeah, of course.” She was confused with Taeyeon’s question, since she never asked things like that.

Taeyeon approached the kitchen table and stared at the ingredients. Her normal self would immediately get the knife and chop it. But she felt her hand immovable.

Her mother realized that.

“Taeyeon? What are you doing?” She asked.

Taeyeon was stunned and turned her head to her mother.

“No, I was just…”

“Quickly finish your job. It’s almost evening.”

Taeyeon nodded and bowed her head.

Her mother was about to leave, but she realized another thing.

“Taeyeon?” She called. “Why are you wearing those long sleeves jacket? Quickly take it out or pull it. Or else it’ll get dirty.”

That question stabbed Taeyeon from the back. She looked at her arm. It was fully covered by the jacket.

And there’s no way she would pull it up.

Taeyeon smiled at her mother. “No, mom. It’s alright. I won’t let it get dirty. And even if it is, I’ll clean it for you.”

Her mother was too busy to hear that. Too busy to care, she thought.

Shifting away from her mother, she reached the knife. The blade was similar to the scissors she often use. And the way it reflected her face, was really disgusting.

The long haired girl on the reflection was her. But Taeyeon could only see a monster there. A monster with lots of labels. The monster was holding a burden. Burden of words, even those that were unsaid.

The monster left scars on her body. Scars that only a wench would have.

“But I am a wench.” She said suddenly. Then she passed the blade and sliced the food one by one.

“Wench.” “.” “Stupid.” “Liar.” “B/tch.” “Bullsh/t/”

The words that came out every time she landed a cut.

 

After finishing her chore, she went back to her room. And then she did it again.

The same mistake, and same regret. The same feeling of forgetting, and same feeling of turning back.

Her life cycle for a few months were the same. Eat their words, swallow it, then let it out with the blood.

It worked…

 

---

 

“Taeyeon! Take those things away!” The teacher said when he saw her bench.

Taeyeon did as he said without replying anything. She lifted it all up and threw it to the trash bin. Then without further instructions, she took the trash bin and threw it to the burner.

“Just let it burn.” She said again.

She went back to the class only to find the same scene.

“Taeyeon-ah~ There’s still some trash left.” Said JungAh.

Taeyeon looked at the ‘some’ trashes.

She couldn’t hold it anymore. She wanted to let the tears flow. Run away back to her home. Pulling the sleeves of her jacket and cut again. Scream to the world, “No!”.

She felt like repeating the same regret without any doubts.

But she held it up inside.

Until?

“Taeyeon, what are you doing? Stop pretending with that sickening face!”

“Stop slacking!”

“Start cleaning!”

“Don’t dirty the class with your attitude!”

 

“You should just die.”

 

“…just die…”

Taeyeon let the tears flow.

Taeyeon let go of the trash bin and ran away. She slammed the door. Everyone was shocked and stared at the door moving back and forth. While Taeyeon ran away back to her home.

She quickly went inside her room. She pulled the sleeves of her jacket. The sight of gore was there, just need another scar. Another scar… another cut… another one, another one.

But when she really did it, she could feel more and more pain. Much more than her first cut.

She couldn’t swallow it anymore. She threw the scissors away. She ran to her table and banged it.

“NO!” She screamed, crying.

She felt like repeating the same regret without any doubts.

 

“Taeyeon, look at you.

 

Full of scars. Full of self-harm. And don’t you remember you used to promise to your mom, ‘I’ll be the best daughter’? Now you’re just another slacker.

You’re just a wench

Oh, come on Taeyeon.

What are you fighting? The students? Your mom? The wall?

 

Face it.

You’re fighting yourself.

 

You lost.

No, you didn’t lose. You gave up.

So, what are you going to do now?

You know, summer’s coming. No more jackets. You gotta show your scars.

Everyone are going to know who you really are. Your mom will see you in disgust, asking what happened with your promise.

Then no one will be there for you.

 

Well you never have even ‘one’ since the beginning.

 

You were always alone.

 

 

Even until you slice it through the skin and blood.

You would realize sooner or later.

 

That you shouldn’t have lived longer.

 

And you should’ve just died.”

 

 

“You should’ve just died.”

 

“I couldn’t clearly remember what happened after that. Or maybe I never wanted to remember it.”

 

“Taeyeon! Taeyeon!”

“I could only hear sirens.”

“Taeyeon, stay with me!”

“That familiar voice said to me. There were this panic atmosphere at the background.”

“Doctor! Please save her! I beg you, please save her!”

“…save?”

 

“Then the next thing I remembered, I was already at the hospital. When I opened my eyes, I can feel blood running through my vessels. I felt really, really, weak.”

Taeyeon eyes opened. The surrounding was really blurred. It took her seconds to finally see the figure next to her.

It was her mom and dad.

Her dad.

The tall, nerd-looking man. The man who was never home for her. They rarely talked. And even if they did, it was only Taeyeon.

Taeyeon didn’t know what to feel when she saw him. She used to be happy. But now she just felt like pushing him back.

“Taeyeon! You’re awake!” Her mother cut Taeyeon’s thoughts. “Are-are you okay?”

Taeyeon didn’t reply. She only stared, still wondering where she was. Hospital, or heaven.

“Taeyeon? Do you need anything? Just tell me! Food, drinks, anything! Or… or do you want some things? I can grab it for you! Just… tell me.”

Taeyeon’s mind stuck in delusion. finally spilled the question.

“Am I dead?”

Her mother’s expression worsened immediately. Her hand was reaching towards Taeyeon, wanting to hold her head and hug it.

But Taeyeon slapped her hand.

Her mother was shocked, as well as her father.

Taeyeon actions didn’t stop there.

She looked around the hospital, up and down, left and right. Then she looked at her ‘dirty’ arm. She could only find her mind spinning in a maze. Not wanting an exit, but something to ‘close’ it.

“LET ME DIE.” She screamed suddenly.

She swung her hand, bumping it to the devices around her.

“Let me die let me die let me die!

Just let me die!

Let me die. Why am I alive? Let me die!! Why did you save me? Why?! Why now?!

I want to die!

 

LET ME DIE!”

 

Then a hand reached her body. The hand was trembling with its soft fingers. Taeyeon kept slapping everywhere, unknowing someone who came straight at her.

And hugged her.

 

“Taeyeon…, please stop it.” Her mother said full of tears. “Just stop it…

If you’re mad with the world, you can wreak it to me.

If you’re sick with the world, you can release it to me.

If you feel like slicing…, slicing your hand, you can just do it to me instead.

If you feel like killing yourself…,”

Before her mother even finished her sentence, Taeyeon could feel her wet eye. She tried to push her mom away, but her mom hugged Taeyeon too tight. She couldn’t resist it anyway.

“Kim Taeyeon. Please…,

…don’t say it again.

Don’t say that you want to die. Because you don’t. I’ve passed the times when I was your age. The world was too big for me, for us. That’s why you think you want to die.

But in reality, you just want to be saved.

 

So I’m here. You can spill all your problems to me. Get mad at me, if you want! Anything, you can do it to ME. But never to yourself.

 

We will do anything! Change school, move away, everything!

Money was never the problem and you knew that! So just…,

 

…at least stop saying that you want to die…” Her mother’s tears fell to Taeyeon’s clothes. The more she talk, the tighter she hug. And more tears fell.

Taeyeon couldn’t resist that hug, neither do her own tears.

She came back wailing like a baby, like when her mother first held her. Both of them cried together, not holding back the tears.

 

“I have always thought what my mother felt to me. How my mother actually despised me. How my mother never cared about me.

I always imagined the mother who would slap me when she knew I was committing self-harm. The mother with cynical words, sharp stare.

Someone who never paid attention to me.

Not someone like this.”

 

“Mom… why.., are you saying this now?” She tried to hold back her sobbing.

“I’m sorry.” Her mother kissed Taeyeon’s forehead while closing her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It’s all my fault. Please don’t ever do that again. Please, Taeyeon. I can change. I promise.”

This time, Taeyeon was the one who hugged her mother. She cried again until there were no more tears left. Then she fell asleep right at her mother’s arms.

Her mother laid Taeyeon back to her bed and sat back next to her. She held Taeyeon’s hands, trying not to look at her arms.

Then her father approached her.

“Since when…, was she like this?” Her father said, trying to stay calm.

“I don’t know. She started changing ever since we moved here.” Her mother answered. “But I don’t know what made her like this.”

Her father nodded. Though he kept staring with no emotions, inside his heart there was a huge breakdown. The fact that he didn’t even know Taeyeon became like this though they lived in the same roof. He was never the best dad. He probably can’t even call himself ‘dad’ in front of Taeyeon.

“Was it…,” He said briefly. “… because of me?”

Her mother snapped. She turned to him instantly.

“No! Don’t think like that! Taeyeon knew you were busy...”

“But I was never home for her. How could I know what she’s feeling for me?” Her father cut off.

Taeyeon’s mother bowed her head, not knowing what to say. Her father also bowed, feeling ashamed.

“I’m sorry, Taeyeon.” Her father said, looking up to Taeyeon’s sleeping face. “I will promise all I could promise. Everything to make sure you feel alright. Everything.”

Her mother nodded silently. Thinking the same.

But then she remembered something.

“But…, how about your work? If you really want to be with Taeyeon, how can you compromise with your director?” She asked.

He smiled back at her calmly.

“Don’t worry. I can work it out.” He said. “I won’t do the same mistake. I won’t let Taeyeon end up here again.”

Her mother shook her head, seeing the man she married.

---

After a few weeks, Taeyeon was dismissed from the hospital. She couldn’t do hard activities, but other than that, everything was fine.

Additional to that, her father started staying at home. Every time Taeyeon opened her eyes, he was always there. He was even there without her asking. She would feel desperate but suddenly, ‘puff’, and he’s there sitting next to her.

Taeyeon was happier. Her mother stopped her from school and taught her personally instead. Her father always accompanied her in breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He only went away when her mother was teaching her.

---

 

“But sometimes my parent’s efforts came to a waste. Because all those ‘happiness’ doesn’t mean I completely took control of the ‘voice’. It was still and always will be there. As it won’t disappear that easy.”

---

 

---

“Mom…,” She called suddenly. “…it’s impossible for me to stay like this, right? You have things to do and you can’t keep staying at home, teaching me.”

Her mother nodded and patted her head.

“Yes, I know. Don’t worry. That has found another place for you to stay. Another place for you to study.”

Taeyeon’s eyes glimmered immediately. She looked up happily, smiling uncontrollably.

“Really?” She said, jumping to hug her mother. Her mother smiled too, receiving the hug.

“Yes.” She said.

After a few seconds of hug, Taeyeon looked at her again.

“Where?”

 

---

I'm seriously sorry for the very longgggg delay. I didn't get the chance to continue this story but I still hope you like it!

And I guess you're all waiting for 'some people', right? 

Don't worry, cause they're going to be there in the next chapter!