Always By Your Side

Kris rolled over in bed, opening his eyes briefly and squinting as the morning light seeped through the window, which illuminated the long, light brown hair of his wife, Ah Chan. She was on her side, her back to him. Kris reached over from behind her to sweep away the strands of hair from her face. Even in the morning, she looks beautiful, he thought. Her face was soft, pure, angelic.

“You’re my angel,” he whispered, as he lightly kissed her cheek.

Ah Chan let out a soft moan, still asleep.

Kris gently kissed her again as he pulled her body closer to his, his arm wrapped over her. “Wake up,” he quietly said, trying to rouse her from sleep.

Ah Chan opened her eyes and smiled before closing them again. “Why do you always wake me up so sweetly?” she asked.

“Because I love you,” he said.

“What time is it?” She rolled onto her back and stretched.

“Time to…” His words trailed off as he inched atop her. “…make a baby.”

“Wha–!” Ah Chan laughed and pretended to fight him off, even though she wanted him as much as he wanted her. They had been trying since their honeymoon to get pregnant. “Wait, let me brush my teeth first,” she said.

Kris balanced his weight atop her petite frame as he dotted her collarbone with kisses. “Nope,” he said, now kissing her neck. “No time for that.” He brought his face to hers, parallel, as they stared into each other’s eyes, and then tilted his head as he leaned in to kiss her lips.

“You’re acting extra sweet this morning,” she said, after their lips had parted.

Kris winked.

“Ai, don’t give me that wink of yours!” She laughed, the love in her heart for him so overwhelming.

Kris kissed her some more, his desire for her growing. Ah Chan accepted his kisses, quickly falling into the rhythm of his tongue. But as Kris began pursuing her more passionately, she suddenly stopped him, her hand pushing against his chest.

“Wait,” she said, feeling a slight twinge of pain in her abdomen. She winced as she held her stomach.

Kris lifted his body from hers, his arms holding his weight above her. He saw that she was holding her stomach. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Just cramps, I think,” Ah Chan said.

“Oh, are you… is it your female time?” Kris bit his lip, suddenly bashful. Even after two years of marriage, he saw her body as this wondrous mystery. “Do you want me to rub it for you?” he asked. She often had deep cramps and lower back aches on the first day of her cycle. During these times, Kris would rub her stomach and back for her, or would sometimes run his hands through her hair for hours to relax her. He pulled the blanket down now, but as he did so, he noticed spots of blood staining the lap of her white nightgown.

She arched her neck to look down and then gasped. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said, covering .

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I just hope I didn’t ruin the sheets,” she said, sitting up now and pushing aside the length of her nightgown to check the sheet below.

“Who cares about sheets?” Kris said, trying to alleviate any embarrassment she might feel.

“Your mother bought us this sheet set,” she said, pouting now as she pointed to the stain that had seeped down straight to the mattress.

Kris let out a breath and smiled while shaking his head. “Don’t worry about silly sheets,” he said. “Just go take care of yourself and I’ll get them in the wash.”

Ah Chan sighed. “How did I ever get so lucky?” she asked, holding her palm against his cheek. “Never in my life did I ever think I would meet such a loving man.”

“Ai, remember when we first met at that party? All your friends thought I was cold. They told you not to look at me, remember? They said I have ‘whoever I glare at will die’ eyes.”

Ah Chan stared deeply into his eyes. “I’m glad I didn’t listen to them,” she said. But she was struck then by another cramp. She cringed, holding her abdomen.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.

Ah Chan nodded as she hurried off the bed. “Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, her voice fading as she walked out of the bedroom and down the hall to the bathroom.

Kris began pulling the sheets off the bed, thinking about that first time they had met. He had noticed her the moment she had first walked through the door of that party. Her friends were loud, distant types, as if they knew how beautiful they were and enjoyed using that to their advantage. But Ah Chan was different. She had this natural, pure beauty about her, but acted as if she was completely unaware of it. He had watched her for hours, entranced by her smile. It was a shy smile, a sort of awestruck smile, almost as if she had never been to a party before and was fascinated by the scene. He later learned that she approached everything in life that way – with complete fascination. She was curious about everything and was always happy… always. When they got married two years ago, he had vowed to keep her just as happy, to never let her smile fade.

“Kris! Oh no, Kris, please come here!”

He dropped the sheets and ran down the hall to the bathroom. When he pushed open the door, he saw her standing with blood dripping down her legs, pooling into a puddle on the floor. He slowly brought his hand to his mouth, stunned.

“I… I was going to take a shower… I…” Ah Chan felt dizzy from the sight of the blood.

Kris, seeing that she looked about to faint, ran to her side just as she passed out, falling into his arms.

It had been two hours since the doctor told her that she’d had a miscarriage. In that time, she hadn’t uttered a word. She just stared blankly and silently out the window beside her hospital bed. Kris tried to comfort her but didn’t know what to say. Not knowing what else to do, he just sat beside her on the bed, brushing his hand up and down her arm.

They sat like that for a few minutes more, but Kris, devastated by her unhappiness, soon cleared his throat and tried to say something, anything to make her feel better. He didn’t want to break that vow of his, to forever keep her happy. “The doctor says we can try again in two months,” he quietly said.

When he didn’t receive a response, he leaned in, trying to see her face to get some sense of a reaction from her. She was lying on her side, her back to him as she continued staring out the window. “Two months…” he said again. Thinking that he’d try to make her laugh, he added, “I don’t know how I’m going to make it that long without touching you. I may have to go to rehab for withdrawal symptoms.”

Still, no response. Kris shook his head, feeling stupid for making a joke. He just didn’t know what else to do. “Ah Channie, talk to me, please,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her gaze still focused on the opaque glass of the window.

“Sorry? Why do you keep apologizing? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Ah Chan rolled over now to face him. Tears fell from her eyes, drifting across her temples and disappearing into her hairline. “You should leave me. I’m no good for you.”

“What? Why would you say something like that? You think this is your fault? ‘Cause it’s not. This happens sometimes. It’s completely normal.”

Ah Chan shook her head and squeezed her eyes closed, letting loose more tears. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant,” she said. “If I had known, I would’ve… I would’ve done whatever I could to keep this baby healthy.”

“What could you have done?” Kris shook his head, not understanding her.

“I had that spicy stew on Sunday,” she said. “They say spicy foods are bad for pregnant women. I shouldn’t have eaten that.”

“Ai, yeobo, don’t be silly.” He had never seen her like this. While her sadness was understandable, he hadn’t expected her to be so doubting of herself, to put such blame on her shoulders.

“You deserve a woman who can give you children,” she said, rolling over again to face the window.

Kris reached for her, but saw her shut down again, lost in her silence. He didn’t know how to console her and felt like a failure of a husband. They hadn’t yet encountered any struggles in their marriage. This was the first test, he thought, of how they would be able to work together to overcome what was the first of many more struggles they would likely face. That was just life – they couldn’t always be happy. If there was no sadness, then happiness wouldn’t have meaning.

He pulled out his notebook from his backpack and wrote down that very line: If there was no sadness, then happiness wouldn’t have meaning.

He wasn’t a writer, but his thoughts poured out of him at that moment.

I’ve known no greater happiness than with you, Ah Chan, my love. And with you, I’d endure any sadness. Everyone else sees me as cold, but you see me as warm. You know me, the real me. Just as I know you, the real you. You’re my angel…  

He wrote and wrote, scribbling for pages. When he felt as if he had completely emptied his heart, he flipped back to the first page of his notebook and began reading it aloud. She stayed with her back turned when he first began reading, but soon she rolled over to face him again, her eyes once again filled with tears – but they were tears of happiness, not sadness.

Hoping to keep her happy, as he had vowed to do, he impulsively reached into his backpack, searching for a magic prop he had bought just yesterday. It was a small pop-out white flower. When it was collapsed, it could fit into the size of his palm. He could open it at any moment with a quick flick of his finger, making it look like it appeared out of nowhere. He did that now, first holding out his hand to her with a sneaky smile, his thumb crossed over his palm, hiding the tiny retractable flower, and then waving his hand through the air as if casting a spell before letting the flower pop out, presenting the long stem with its two tiny white buds to her.

When he did, he saw that smile of hers again, that shy awestruck smile that he had fallen in love with so long ago. She stared at the flower with wide eyes, glancing between it and his face. Kris gently pushed the long stem behind her ear so that the two white flowers peeked out of her hair.

She sat up, looking down at her lap as she smiled. “How did I ever get so lucky?” she asked. Echoing their conversation from that morning, she added, “… to find such a loving man.”

“I’m a loving man because I’m a man in love,” he said. “I’ll always love you, Ah Channie. Always.”