Sipping on my hot chocolate, I stared at the table on my right. It was vacant like before, only occupied when we had been there. We. Is that word even suitable for us? Were we even considered a “we?” Was it just me from the beginning? Was it all a lie? And even if it wasn't, will you come hurrying over to cheer me up and state it was all a joke? I exhaled, slowly placing the mug down on the table while my eyes examined the whole café. This was the place I regularly used to visit alone, or with him. Packed as usual, the tables were filled up with not only families and businessmen/women, but also with young, and even elderly couples. Every single table was occupied- except one. The table we used to sit at. Our table.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm the only one reminiscing about the old times, moments when I experienced ecstatic and blissful feelings. But you wouldn't know, would you? All my most gleeful memories are bits and pieces of the time we passed together, side-by-side. Everything, every little detailed feeling dramatically changed after I met you. From me who was aloof and hot-tempered with trust issues, I transformed into a whole new me, adjusting little by little for the better, because of you.

I let out a deep sigh once again, letting all the memories sink in as I placed my elbows on the table and rested my face on my palms.

---

Do you remember the very first time we met? Apart from me who gave off a negative vibe, you were extremely enthusiastic, optimistic and genuine in everything you accomplished. Although my brain presented a warning sign in block red letters to my heart saying never to trust anyone ever again, your sudden entrance into my life flipped it upside-down. You glanced at me and flashed me your vibrant smile. Just smiled, nothing else. And from that day on, you held my attention towards you captive, like a bird in a cage. No matter what you were doing, my eyes were consistently sneaking glimpses of you. The way you smiled, the way you laughed, the way you spoke, and everything you did had a certain sincerity to it.

Remember when you charged into this cafe on a rainy afternoon, dripping wet? Dashing over to me who was drinking the exact hot chocolate drink, I can recall the precise words you softly mumbled out to me, "Eunji-ah, can I sit here?" That was our first official encounter, the first we spent together. From that day on, I began to fall in love with your goofy grin that lit up the whole room, derpy habits, and sudden laughter; in general, what actually happened was I started falling head over heels for you. I can always look back on the times when I secretly cried at night because I had started to trust you, and all that would bring would be pain and misery upon myself. So I started distancing myself away from you, slowly; your best friend isolating herself away from the person she cared about the most.

I'm sorry if I had upset you, because during that time, I didn't want to keep falling for you as your best friend. Ironically now, the most joyous memories then are the most painful of all. I remember when you returned to this café after several weeks of me ignoring you, dripping wet like you were during our first official encounter. The vivid mental image of you rushing over to my seat and leaning in to brush your lips gently against mine remains, haunting me all the time. After what seemed like a cheery forever, you eventually pulled back, both of us trying catching our breaths. I remember how you took the seat right beside me,  confessing your love and promising you would never let me go. I can recall the feeling of sitting there, mesmerized by your words and feeling as if my heart would leap out of my chest.

All those words, did you lie? Was it just to make me feel less like a loner? Was I too pitiful?

Hence, I recollect all the hours that passed with us hand-in-hand not only in this very café, but at other locations our hearts took us to. We spent almost all our free time together, every single day.

Remember when we fought? All the frustration I felt was unbearable, and before we made up, all I could think about day and night was you. Eventually, we swore we would create our own little happy ending, together forever. And that one day, we’ll create our own future, with nothing or no one to interfere.

But out of all the hours and days we spent with each other, the last time we ever saw or contacted each other had lingered in my mind the longest. Every single detail comes crashing into my thoughts, like enormous waves onto shore during high tides.  

I remember the exact rhythm you used to knock on my front door. Besides the fact that I didn't pay much attention to those little details at the time, it all comes flooding into my memories as soon as you left. I can still clearly see your genuine, fun-loving expression wiped away as I soon as I opened the door. All I could make out was the blank, lifeless expression on your face. I think about it all the time these days, how your gleaming orbs had turned into gray, cloudy and foggy ones. I remember the way you pulled me into an embrace, but looking back now, there were no feelings with it. No longer sincere or passionate, it was just an empty, hollow embrace. I remember you slowly letting me out from your arms, with nothing more than the same poker face you had taped on.

I should have known. I should have acted and slammed the door in your face, but I didn't. Even if I knew, I couldn't. You told me you were sorry, you were sorry because we couldn't go on anymore. Then you walked away. Even though there was an enormous lump forming in my throat, you were calm, as you walked past my door, out of my lawn, my gates, then disappeared ever since.

From that day on, I started drinking, going out into clubs as an 18-year-old, meeting and dating guys I had no interest in, even if they had fallen in love with me for real. My face held the same expression you did that night, blank and expressionless, with no emotion whatsoever. I would spend time in the café every single day, always seated beside where we sat, continuing on to reminisce the old times.

We loved each other so much; I used to think we could never part. For once, I had hope, hope that after everything else that had happened, this was the one thing that was worth it. And nothing was going to change that. That we would always be together, forever. But I guess forever is just an empty promise. Because here I am, 11 years later at 29, still seated in the spot right next to ours, Chanyeol. Still waiting for you to just walk into my life again. Still caught up in the past. And still in love with you.