Jb

My dream and my passion are always be the most important things in my life. The sorrow is still neatly hidden in my heart. The wound that cannot be cured. After my father’s death, I realized that the only thing I did was keep running, chasing down my dream because it is the thing that prevented me to be there when my father needed me. he was my biggest supporter for me to become a superstar. I cried and cried alone, but it was useless. My father was dead when I was on stage, performing my new songs on my debut stage. I still remember how he really want to see me debut. As I was crying at the stairs alone, beside me there was my girlfriend, Rian trying to comfort me while she was crying. As I lift my head,

“we… let’s break up”

My first word startled her. She was confused, but didn’t say a word. Without looking at her face, I uttered the painful word for somebody who has been together since trainee days.

“.. I promised my father that I will be the best. At least, I want to keep that promise.”

In order to become the best, I’ve become annoying, perfectionist and a jerk. Well I’m not the only one who changed entirely.

Rian, who was really gentle, comforting and soft has become a total opposite of her. Cannot deny that she became like that, was because of me. Ive ignored that fact for years in order for me to become the best.

I’ve never stop watching over Rian even though we were already broke up. I was there when she changed into a despise person.

She became the face of her idol group, called Hershe. That the only thing that she was good at, her face. The other two members of her group were known for their talent which is singing, but not for Rian. All she did was being pretty and dancing on stage. Rian that I knew has a big dream, which is to be the best. Both of us share the same dream, but it seems that im the only one who was running at my full speed to be one. Rian stopped working hard to improve herself.

After our break up, Rian and I were having a love hate relationship. We do know we care for each other, but both of us didn’t ask each other whether we feel the same way like we used to.

“ Do you still keep the 9 shoes I gave you?”

I asked her during our training camp that we have to attend. We have been to that place before. Exactly on the top of the swing that Rian sat just now, back then there was treasure, which was my worn out dancing shoes became the symbol of our relationship. I gave one of the pair of shoes to her, saying that im going to debut as a superstar by my 9^th shoes worn out.

“ why do you curious about that?” by looking at me just at the corner if her eyes, she then walked away.

“ UNTIL WHEN DO YOU WANT TO KEEP BEING LIKE THIS?” I turned and yelled at her as I can’t stand watching her being somebody different from who I used to know.

She stopped. And without turning back, she said “ you…started it first”

At school, there was a girl named Hyesung who was one of my fans, always being a low profile and a low confidence girl. I helped her by editing her composed song and spent most of my time with her. Of course, Rian knows about this as I always bumped into her when I was walking with Hyesung. I don’t know why I always feel bad when I bumped into her. Is it because I don’t want her to think anything about me and Hyesung? At the same time, I feel like Hyesung and I was closed, but I’m not sure as a friend or a lover.

One day, I entered Hyesung’s room to show something, but it turned out to be I saw Rian instead of Hyesung. Silly me, I forgot they were roommates. I saw that Rian was looking at the worn out shoes that I gave her. Seeing me, she immediately closed the box to cover that.

“you.. still keep that” my voice trembled a bit, I don’t know why.

“you..are here to meet Hyesung. It seems like you met her often. Do …you like her?”

Shocked by her question, I answered “I care and I was trying to help her to gain confidence and be happy, but I don’t know this means that I like her or not”.

Hearing my answer, she grabbed the box that filled with all my 9 worn out shoes, she poured it on the floor. All I did was watching it fell to the ground with a heavy heart.

“that is worse than saying that you like her, JB” she walked her way out of her room.

I picked it out and put it back into the box.

“Rian, why don’t you just say that you are jealous? See? You hide your feelings again and again. You didn’t cry when you want to, didn’t smile when you want to and even say that you care when you want to. It hurts me Rian, seeing you like that.” I talked to myself.