01
ComplicatedThe breeze of the night air filled my lungs like a puff of a cigarette. I despised myself when I smoked but the feeling of all the stress on my shoulders diminishing was too tempting to refuse. Just one could contain me intact and allow my mind to properly compute.
"Min, you alright?" My boyfriend spoke, catching me off guard. It took six years of tormenting, punches, laughing, crying, and other painful memories for us to be the beings we were now. We forgave each other and ourselves, we could have never been so open and nonjudgmental as we were today. We barely spoke of our troubles back then, having ourselves to come up with a solution.
"Fine, why? Worried I'll get cancer?" I scoffed and took another huff of the cigarette perched between my fingers.
"Don't say that," he sternly stated, lightly scolding me from my snappiness. He was tense, something else was on his mind besides my health. I zapped him with the heat of the bud, his attention now on me.
"What's wrong? You can tell me, unless if you still don't trust me." He playfully rammed his shoulder into mine, a smile of pure bliss tugging at the corners of his mouth; I adored it more than anything.
"I was just wondering when we can run off and be free.." He trailed off, his head lowering.
I shot down his hope, "Mason, now you know we can't just leave." I reminded him but it was more for me, I had to refresh my mind from the temptations of just the two of us dominating the miniature world in our minds. I couldn't bare the thought of abandoning my family especially my younger brother, Ben. Even though we were in World War III with each other, I still cared for them and found it rather difficult to travel outside the premises of this city.
"Are you kidding me?" He rolled his dark eyes and turned around to lay his injured back against the railing.
"What?"
"They hate you. Look at yourself, I would shun you if I had the energy. You destroyed yourself and your innocent family. You should've left them-"
I interrupted him, not because he was right but that he found the topic simple to discuss. "And ditch them so I could live with a man they never met? Now, look at yourself." I emphasized harshly so my point can crack through his hard head. Just because he had nothing to show but pure hatred towards his family, doesn't mean I have to follow in his footsteps. Hating my family to their guts was the rearmost thing I could do for them. When they provided me with a pampered life and the opportunity to obtain any career crossed my mind, the largest emotion I felt was gratitude.
"Just because," I wanted to continue but it was risky to place the correct words together. "That happened, doesn't mean they have to shun me away."
"But what if they already did?"
"If, then I have no choice." I exhaled a breath that deepened my chest with a plethora amount of grieve and guilt. "But that is for me to decide, not you." I flicked the shortened stick to the ground so I could stomp the life out of it. Mason intertwined our fingers together to guide me away from the rooftop, he hated the odor of cigarette smoke and carbon from the pollution, but I enjoyed it. It displayed the world's imperfections and that I was a flaw at it's best.
The familiar fragrance of Mason's chamber filled my nostrils that were burnt from the smoke. He smelled of a human being, no cologne or other chemicals but natural. He tossed me one of his sweaters since he observed the way the coldness wracked through me, starting at my curled toes; the touch of the cement floors always effected me in some way. I gladly pulled my head through it then went to preoccupy myself with brushing my teeth and combing my tangled, wind-tossed hair. I felt blameworthy, I should be apologizing for screaming at him, telling him to disappear from my sight before making my way up to the rooftop. It was the single place to vent my steam and cry my tears, feel my emotions in private.
I padded out of the bathroom and into the now dimly illuminated room. Mason stood on the far end, setting aflame the cloth in the center of the candle. "What are you doing?" I inquired from the side of his bed. I couldn't help myself nor wait for him another second without heat, crawling underneath multiple layers of blankets that hopefully will keep me safe from the autumn wind. Soon it will be winter and it was supposedly to be a .
"Relaxing," he found his answer. His strides were lengthy and it only consumed a few step to reach me. He climbed in on my right just like every night but this time his back was facing me.
"Hey," I attempted to pry his pose so he could see my trials of sincerity. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. It was just that I was wound up with emotions. You know, I always envied your hidden optimistic mind." He was listening but hadn't peeped- even after I complimented him but it wasn't for him to really acknowledge- a word. Though he was venting, he retained his ears and point of view exposed. "Like how you still believe I'm the only girl for you. How you stay with me when I spat on your face, pulled your hair, screamed, but you did nothing but allow me to vent on you. It amazes me sometimes."
"It's because I know when you say those things, it's with your mind-" I was surprised he was still awake. I finished the rest of his sentence in my mind. At the time, the anger was emitted from around me, I panicked and used my mind instead of the heart where the emotions were. Nobody can think love, at least not myself, I allow my heart to experience it, it flutters, sinks, it operated on it's own without my consent. I was in the wrong to ever dare allow the thought of Mason hitting me enter my web of thoughts. I was his only weakness and we both knew it.
"I'm sorry-"
"Enough, I understand," he interjected. He flipped himself around to confront me with his tears. It was what I said that caused him to become sensitive. Instead of making him stronger, he was crumbling to pieces.
My hand inched towards his cheeks but he jerked his head away. It was when again he allowed me to brush his tears from his skin. His fingers tangled in strands of my hair- they tend to often be there- in attempt to remove them from my face. His warm breath hovered over my face but tickled my lips specifically. He was the only man that I ever known that could have my heartbeat from zero to sixty miles per hour with the snap of fingers.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Us," I answered wholeheartedly. From now on, I didn't want to let another false statement slip in front of him.
"How is it?"
I gritted my teeth, hesitant with my answer before I confirmed it, "Perfect." His warmth embraced me through his arms, my hands planted on his chest to feel his heartbeat under my fingers. I wanted to be the only girl for him but will he still be interested with me after this blows over? If his feelings fade and melt like ice, all of our efforts, quarrels, and affection wasn't strong enough to withstand being put to the test and it will be a waste.
I opened my eyes to meet his gaze but he was already asleep.
Comments