I opened my eyes. Everything was white. At first you could imagine being in Heaven but at second glance I noticed a beeping noise next to me. Slowly my eyes got used to the bright surrounding and I notice a window to my right. I was in an overall white room l was resting on one of these white hospital beds. I cursed mentally and tried to sit up straight. I rubbed my eyes to get a better sight. My head was aching and pounding monotonously. Aish… Just stop. I looked at the small tubes connecting my arm with a machine. I made a face and tried to remember how I got here when suddenly the door silently opened and a pretty guy with black hair peeked into the room. His eyes became wide. My friend pushed the door open and rushed to me.

“You’re awake!” Kim Heechul shouted overwhelmed with happiness.

“Of course I am. You’re acting like I would be Sleeping Beauty just waking up from her 100-years-nap.”

Heechul laughed.

“Seems like you are fine if you can already joke like this.”

“I would be better not finding myself in a hospital bed!” I responded angrily.

“Oh come on! You had a black out and did not want to wake up!” he defended himself. I sighed.

“Okay, so what the hell did happen that I fainted?” I put the conversation to a serious point. Heechul looked bewildered.

“You don’t remember?”

Time had passed. I still lay in this stupid bed, in this annoying white room in a freaking hospital. Could it be any worse? Well yes, actually. My thoughts were killing me. About what had happened yesterday night at the concert.
Heechul was with me trying to push up my mood but it did not work. I wish I could kill my thinking. Oppa talked about this and that, trying to divert me but I did not even listen. I could not concentrate on what he was telling me.
There was a knock on the door and in my mind appeared the memory that Heechul had told me that there would be some people coming to visit me. I came up from my thoughts and sat up straight again trying to look as healthy as possible –my friend had told me that I was looking like a corpse and every vampire would envy me for my skin tone. I forced a little smile on my lips while asking the person on the other side of the door to come in.
The door opened a little bit and at first a bouquet of flower appeared. The bouquet was so colourful that you at some point could not find the right description for all the diverse colours. Along with the vivid green it seemed like these were just picked up from a beautiful field. The posy was followed by a hand and an arm till the whole person appeared and stayed at the door as if he wanted to escape the other second.
I felt that my fake smile automatically fell from my face and that my posture fell from straight.

“YOU!” Heechul screamed at the man standing next to the door. “How can you dare coming here…!” With all my strength I woke up from being frozen and put my hand on my friend’s to calm him down. He immediately stopped, not saying one more word.

“Would you… give me a minute?” The man asked uncertain. I did not know if the question was meant for me or Heechul. I looked at my friend and he stood up whispering “I don’t like the idea. But as you wish I will leave. I’m staying in front of your room. Call me if you there is the need.”

“Thanks” I whispered back while watching him leaving the room.

When Heechul had left I still avoided watching at the person standing next to the door of my room. He cleared his throat. Then I heard his steps coming closer. With every single step my head started pounding heavier and my heart suffered from stiches.

“I thought you would like some flowers. I thought they might cheer you up while being here in such a unpleasant situation. ‘Cause eventually you don’t like being here.”

I heard the flowers rustling and knew that he was offering them to me. I turned to the person to accept the flowers and could not avoid looking right into his face. I did not know what I was expecting to see and what kind of reaction I would show, but my heart just stopped beating for a second before racing and aching like it never did before.

“I see you’re doing quite well.”

“Yes, kind of.”

Silence.

“Will you get released soon?”

“I will go this evening.”

Silence.

Then he sighed and ran with his hand through his hair. “Look, I am here to apologize to you. But… whatever comes to my mind that could be a good apology, I consider it to be not suitable.” A silent laugh escaped from his mouth.

“Is that so?”

He avoided looking at me. The tough appearing guy who made thousands of girls melt like ice was restless. Playing with his hands, finally putting them in the pockets of his jeans, taking a deep breath and then his eyes found mine. These brown normally with a loyal expression in them now looked more than just apologizing. Then the connection of your sights was broken because he closed this eyes, again taking a deep breath and started singing.

I would not call his voice the best or more beautiful but already his first tone make a cold run down my spine.

If you feel it’s a burden
That all my senses are focused only on you
I will leave now
If I made you suffer
Because I couldn’t control my feelings
I will go now

I knew this song. I knew it really well, because it was one of my favourites. I remembered the first time listening to it. And the first time hearing a live version when Changmin and he had sung for me personally. I knew what he was singing right now.

I was afraid that like “hooc”
You might fly away from my side
Not a day could I rest saying “hugh”
I didn’t know then that I was hurting you
With my foolish obsession

My memory casted back to the moments we had spent together, weather alone or with other friends as well. The laughter and jokes we shared. The fun we had, the pranks we enjoyed. And the moments when I had thought seeing him jealous when I fooled around with others.

Just know this before you go
That I was the only man who loved you only
So stupid was I
An idiot a scumbag who couldn’t even protect you
If you stay beside me ’till the end
You’ll be more heartbroken, you might fall
Made a very good choice
A person who will set you free
Will come to you
Will come to you

Dancing. All the lessons and advises he had for me. The choreographies we made up, Keep Your Head Down, Rising Sun, Catch Me, Before U Go… I got stuck on the last one and mentally did the choreography remembering what a great feeling to was to flow with the music; this great and unbelievable emotional song.

I won’t make any more of small excuses
So make that kind of look on your face no more (so sad)
With my mouth shut I only wanted to wish your happiness
It wasn’t that, no no no no

Then the pictures in my head changed and showed me the moment when he had been about to kiss me… when I rejected him. It felt like my heart would be breaking into millions of little pieces, impossible to be fixed again.

In the cold wind with “hoo”
I warmed up your cold hands
“Pooc” (deep) in my arms
After a year we had our first kiss
I gave myself to you, I always do

After that as if there had been nothing. Like I had wished it. He was still there for me. Making me laugh, dancing with me, buying me food when I forgot to eat, driving me home late in the night when I finally had finished practicing. He was always there. How could I be so blind. Accepting all this though I knew what he was feeling. Of course he had told me that he was fine and wanted to keep a friendship. But how could I have been such a fool believing this right away. I felt ashamed. A lump accrued in my throat and tears were filling my eyes. I wanted to apologize.

Just know this before you go
That I was the only man who loved you only
So stupid was I
An idiot a scumbag who couldn’t even protect you
If you stay beside me ’till the end
You’ll be more heartbroken, you might fall
Made a very good choice
A person who will set you free
Will come to you
Will come to you

He still loved me. He always did.

Thank you for giving me happy memories
You go on and don’t remember, forget anything
Don’t look at me with worried eyes, I’m okay

Someday all my heart’s wounds will be cured
Someday I will meet a nice person
Forget, yeah, forget everything and hurry up and go
Before I change my mind and hold onto you

And he was saying me his final good-bye. He would leave me. He would give up on his feelings so that I could care for my career. I felt so bad.

Out of habit, I might call you without knowing
Hello hello hello hello
Missing you like crazy, if I’m at your door, be cold

Just know this before you go
That I was the only man who loved you only
So stupid was I
An idiot a scumbag who couldn’t even protect you
If you stay beside me ’till the end
You’ll be more heartbroken, you might fall
Made a very good choice
A person who will set you free
Will come to you
Will come to you

He ended the song. My favourite by TVXQ. And now it even had a special meaning for me. I forced back my tears and wanted to apolozige to him but before I could really voice my apology he started “I know that I did wrong. And I am really sorry for that. ‘Cause I can’t express in words what I feel… you know, this songs says it all.” He made a little break and then looked right into my eyes. “I hope you can forgive me. And please don’t feel sorry for anything, because everything is my fault.”

“But…”

“No ‘but’”, he said quickly and leaned forward only being merely away from my face. “You are the most beautiful and astonishing person I ever met” he whispered. “Before you go, there is just one thing left to say for me.” A break again. “I will watch you from afar to be able to protect you. I won’t get away though you won’t notice me. I will always love you. That is the only point in which the song does not match…” He smiled shyly, then placed a sweet kiss on my forehead and left without turning around again. Tears rolled down my cheeks and dropped from my chin on the blanket.

He was gone.