He remembered getting the phone call. He had been lounging around the hostel, exhausted from the constant stream of activities they had been doing in Japan. Though that was where most of their focus lay, they would occasionally return back to Korea to work on something or just to see their families. And while many of his band mates had chosen to go their own way-Jiyong taking the youngest Seunghyun shopping with him one scouting for clothes and the other scouting for noonas, Young Bae to church or the dance hall and Daesung to visit his parents, he had chosen to stay behind and catch some much needed R&R.

He had been resting in his room, head face down in pillows and the covers pulled over his head, when he heard his cell phone ring. At first he thought it to be a dream, but after the third ring he realized it was his reality. Barely catching his phone on the last ring, he drowsily answered.

”Seunghyun.” He bolted upright at the sound of his manager, Yang Hyun Suk.

”Hyung,” He breathed out, trying to shake the sleepiness out of him. “I’m sorry, I just woke up.” He said sheepishly, rubbing his eyes as he hobbled to the bathroom. YG kindly gave him a minute to be at full attention before asking him if he would like to act again. “I’m sorry, what?” He was stunned. Acting? On top of everything else he was doing?

”I said if you want to try acting again. Your last attempts have been successful and the director and I feel that you’ll be able to handle something like this.” The eldest Seunghyun blinked his eyes, staring at his phone.

”Of course I would like to try again.” He felt happy that he was being sought out for a movie. After getting the information on who to see and where to go, he hung up and smiled. After much happy dancing (in his head of course) he went back to his room and lied back down, a smile on his face as he went back to dream land.

When the day rolled around for Seunghyun to meet the director and the other actors, he could hardly control his excitement. He arrived on set which bustled with directors, actors and make-up artists. The set resembled something from back in the olden days and that had Seunghyun wondering exactly what kind of movie this was going to be. All he knew was that it was based on the Korean War that was more than 40 years ago. What he didn’t know was that he had taken on a roll that he wasn’t prepared for.

 __________________________

As the time went on and the movie production advanced, Seunghyun felt himself slowly slipping away. The first day had been easy. The director had explained what exactly it was they were doing and the schedule. They wanted to be done in June, sometime in the middle or the end as long as it was over by June they were good. The second day they began filming. In the hot heat, dressed in a military uniform, Seunghyun sat with his sunbaes in the shade. It was hot, humid and flies buzzed around lazily in the heat. Nothing shielded them from the sun’s harmful rays. And even though his sunbaes had come to him and said they were there for him, Seunghyun was a bit awkward at being the youngest now. He wasn’t a hyung anymore he was a maknae. And he briefly wondered if this was what Seungri felt like every now and then, weird, awkward and self-conscious. He shook his head, chasing the thought and a fly away. No, not Seungri, his whole aura just oozed confidence and arrogance. He smiled at his maknae. He had bugged Seunghyun about his movie until Jiyong had grabbed him by his ear and dragged him to their room. Him and the others laughed as sounds of maknae’s anguished cries of horror filled their home.

”Hyung, are you hungry?” Seunghyun looked up from staring at the bare wall of the bathroom to Daesung who stood in the doorway with a look of worry. Seunghyun knew that he should eat something, anything, but his stomach and his body just ached at the thought. Not trusting himself to speak he shook his head. Pressing his lips together, the younger man simply nodded and walked out. Seunghyun sighed and turned to stare back at the wall. He could hear talking, clatter of silverware and finally footsteps.

”Get up.” Seunghyun didn’t bother acknowledging Jiyong, instead he shifted his gaze to the shower curtain. “Get. Up.” He was growling, a deep, scratchy sound in the back of his throat.

”Why?” His voice didn’t even sound like his anymore. It was cracked, hoarse and edged with frustration, fatigue and depression.

”Because you isolating yourself isn’t fixing anything, its just putting a strain on the band. So get up.” Seunghyun finally turned toward Jiyong. He could hear the gasps of Daesung and Seungri, the startled footsteps of Young Bae and the sharp intake of breath from Jiyong. He was puzzled at their reactions but didn’t show it. He just stared at them.

”Leave me alone Jiyong. All of you.” Whatever had stunned Jiyong snapped him back to the matter at hand. His face turned red and Seunghyun swore he could see flames in the younger man’s eyes.

”Fine, we’ll leave you alone.” Ignoring the protests of the other members, he his heels and marched off. Young Bae stared at him and then at Jiyong before disappearing after him. Seunghyun let confusion take over his body. Jiyong wasn’t one to give up so easily and he vaguely wondered if he had given up on him. But the two members returned. Young Bae slipped into the bathroom and leaned up against the wall across from Seunghyun.

”I’m sorry hyung.” Was all he whispered before Seunghyun was yanked up by his collared roughly. Jiyong was mere inches from his face.

”You want to be left alone, fine.” He felt himself being dragged out of the bathroom, past his shocked members. His eyes widened as he realized what was going on. Three suitcases and a duffle bag sat at the door. Jiyong opened the door and tossed him out of it along with the bags. “Now, you’re alone just like you wanted.” And with that the door slammed in his face. Seunghyun felt his emotions spiking. He was frustrated at his manager, the director for seeking him. He was furious at himself for thinking this was going to be a walk in the park. But more importantly he was depressed as he realized his worst dreams had come true-Jiyong had given up on him.

During the time he was filming Into the Fire, he had to take a break to head back to Japan for Iris promotions. He went alone and came back alone. After Jiyong had thrown him out of their hostel, he went to hotel. If he wasn’t filming for the drama, he was cooped up in his room staring at nothing. He never felt so alone in his life. The look Jiyong gave him when he threw him out, a look of surrender and disappointment haunted him night and day. His depression worsened and soon insomnia became another problem. He began spending all his time reading various war books and journals from some of the survivors. One of the men talked about how he had to leave behind a wife and his four kids when he went to fight in the war. Seunghyun imagined himself as one of the soldiers leaving for war. Would he have the courage to leave Jiyong and his other members behind? Seunghyun didn’t get a chance to dwell on that thought as he rushed to the bathroom to bring up his breakfast.

Days, maybe weeks later (he wasn’t sure, time escaped him), Seunghyun was standing in the freezing cold in the presence of s. They were filming a music video for their new Japanese single Tell Me Goodbye, which was actually a song for the Japanese version of one of the dramas he starred in. He didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be in his hotel reading. But for the sake of the cameras that filmed them, they had to pretend that nothing was wrong, that everything was a-okay when it wasn’t. On camera he joked and fooled around with the members who laughed heartily for the camera, but when the cameras weren’t on them he drifted away as Jiyong stormed off somewhere. Young Bae would give him a sympathetic look before drifting after the leader. Daesung and Seungri seemed confused about whose side to take, their leaders or their big brother’s. The two eventually followed Jiyong leaving him alone. And despite telling himself that it was fine, that he liked being alone, Seunghyun felt tears spill over.

The last scene they had to film, a scene where he rapped as he drove. It was in English and even he had to admit the words sound somewhat slurred as he rapped them. He wasn’t even singing but the take took several tries. After the fifth try, they were all given a break. Seunghyun sat in the car, forehead pressed against the steering wheel. He turned his head briefly at the sound of laughter. He felt his throat tighten, his heart shatter and his body slump. Young Bae and Jiyong, together and so close, their hands intertwined with each other. They were laughing about something privately, their heads together as if they were kissing. The director called for them to take their places. Jiyong and Young Bae separated and moved to where they were supposed to be. Jiyong met his eyes briefly before Seunghyun turned, his heart breaking and his vision clouding.

He didn’t know what took over him, but the emotion he felt from the filming and the past couple of days just unexpectedly clouded him. Replaying in his head what he had seen over and over as they began filming didn’t help. As he mouthed his part, the emotions he had kept blockaded by a dam slither through. And for the second time since they had started the damn music video, Seunghyun cried.

He sat, huddled up against a wall. He was soaked but he didn’t care. Nothing mattered any more. He felt dark, felt like there was no reason to carry anymore. Seunghyun was ready to die. At 10:30 he had began packing. By 11:44 pm he had had his bags packed, letters written and his mind made up. He left everything behind, telling the bellhop he would be back when, in reality, he wasn’t sure if he would wake up tomorrow. He had walked around in the rain and finally made it to his destination. He walked up stairs, to the level which he used to reside on with s. The letters felt heavy in his hand as he knocked. It didn’t take long for someone to answer.

”Hyung.” Seungri breathed; surprised to see his soaking wet hyung at their door.

“Hey maknae, are the others home?” He was surprised at how calm and cheery his voice sounded when he felt like an empty, soulless shell.

”Ah, no they went out to get something to eat.” Seungri explained. Seunghyun could feel his penetrating gaze as he stepped in.

”I just needed to get something. It’s valuable.” Just as he thought, the youngest Seunghyun made no attempts to question him. He just nodded, smiled and went back to the couch and television. Seunghyun almost smiled at how easy that was. He walked down the hall, slipping into each member’s bedroom and leaving the notes behind. He specifically did Jiyong’s room last. After placing the letter on the computer desk, he proceeded to go through the leader’s things. He searched high and low and was satisfied when he grabbed what he wanted.

”Are you leaving hyung?” Seungri jumped from the couch and was next to him in one stride. Seunghyun nodded mournfully. “Don’t go hyung.” Seungri whispered tearfully. Seunghyun didn’t say anything, he just left. Sticking around any longer would’ve caused him to break down. He couldn’t afford that, he had made plans. Before he left he stopped by the main office and stole a pair of keys for a ride. After that everything was a blur. All he remembered was speeding down the highway, in what direction he didn’t know, and then he was pressed up against the wall, shaking as his life escaped him.

“Seunghyun! Seunghyun!” He shook himself awake. Was someone calling him? “Seunghyun! Choi Seunghyun!” Someone was calling his name. Was that his name, Choi Seunghyun? “Choi Seunghyun where are you?!”

”Here.” He croaked. He heard footsteps, quickly approaching him.

”Seunghyun!” Whoever it was seemed awfully glad to see him. He felt himself being embraced.

”Don’t leave me. Please, oh god don’t leave me.” He croaked sadly.

”I’m here. I won’t leave you.” Darkness consumed him.

The sounds and smell alerted him of his current whereabouts before he could open his eyes. A heart monitor was placed beside his bed as well as an IV. But what made his heart leap was the sight of his sleeping leader. He was slumped in a chair, head thrown back against the wall, his left arm thrown over his eyes and his right resting on the arm rest. His legs were crossed and he was dressed in white tank top and blue jeans. His hair was unruly from not being combed in what Seunghyun guessed was days. His shoes were piled neatly next to him and a red hoodie was draped over the other chair.  

Images rushed at him. Him driving away with a stolen car, staring at a picture they had taken when they went to an amusement park. Driving the car off the road and somehow ending up under a bridge. Someone had been calling his name and he had begged them not to leave him before falling into the darkness. Jiyong must’ve been the one to find him and brought him here.

Seunghyun shook his head. He couldn’t stay here. He had to leave.

”Don’t even think about it.” Seunghyun froze, staring at the unmoving leader. He made a move to get out of bed again. In a flash he was lying back down on his back, with a fist pressed against his chest. “Don’t. You. Even. Think about it.” Jiyong hovered over him. His hair covered his eyes but he could feel them. Neither one of them moved for awhile. Something wet hit his hand. Followed by more wetness. It took him a moment to realize Jiyong was crying.

”Jiyong-“

”How dare you scare me like that? You think you can just waltz into the home and leave a ed up letter like that? You think you can just take your own life? Did you even take into account how the others will feel? Or even how I might feel?!” Jiyong wasn’t shouting but Seunghyun could tell he wanted to.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered hoarsely. Jiyong didn’t say anything more, just pulled the cover over his hyung and went back to his ‘bed’.

No one even knew he had been in the hospital or had attempted to kill himself but the people who worked at YG Entertainment and a few close friends. The media wasn’t alerted and doctors who were trusted to keep their mouth shut provided the care for Seunghyun. Seunghyun had heard how he had ended up in the hospital. Apparently he had driven himself off a small hill and the car had rolled into the water. No one knew how he managed to get out and crawl to safety with injuries as bad as his. But he’d managed. Jiyong and the others had arrived home ten minutes after he had left. Seungri had told them he’d dropped by and then left. Jiyong knew something was wrong when he found the envelope on his desk and his picture missing. When the other three members had rushed in with letters and Jiyong had read his, he left immediately. He drove, frantic, looking for him. Daesung and Young Bae took left to look for him while Seungri stayed at home waiting for a call. Daesung checked his favorite bars and Young Bae went to the hotel. No one had seen him. Jiyong wasn’t sure how he found Seunghyun but when he did he immediately called 119.

Seunghyun suffered from fractured ribs, broken arm and a sprained ankle. He had deep cuts on his arms and legs as well on his face. Thankfully his skull had cracked and he had only suffered a mild case of hypothermia. He did have a slight cough for the next few weeks.

Yang made him move back into the apartment so that they could watch him.

”Just in case your cough becomes worse.” He had said. But Seunghyun knew he was making sure the rapper wouldn’t try and off his self again. No one would say it, but they all thought Seunghyun was crazy. Into the Fire cast members had been given a few weeks off. They only had a few more scenes to shoot so it was no big deal. Even though Seunghyun was back at home, his depression worsened. Everyone treated him differently. Yang would stop by to check on him every couple hours, Teddy brought over flowers and chocolates with 2NE1 members, Sean even brought him a health tape on the mind. But what really made Seunghyun hurt was the way his dongsaengs acted around him. Daesung no longer joked with him, Young Bae stopped coming into his room to chat late at night and Seungri seemed hesitant to complain or say anything around him (although that was a blessing).

But Jiyong was acting the most withdrawn. He wouldn’t look him in the eye. If Seunghyun entered the room, Jiyong jumped up a made some excuse to leave. Eventually he started spending more and more time with 2NE1 in the recording studio. Seunghyun found him asleep there one night.

By doing the things they were doing, the other YG artists thought they were helping him. When, in reality, it was just killing him softly. One day he just decided he needed time away from everything. So he decided to slip out and into the dance studio. He smiled as he remembered the first time he had stepped foot in the studio. He was amazed that he was getting a chance to fulfill his dream. Now it just seemed like his dream was something more short of a fantasy.

He decided to spend some of his time in the studio doing something useful. He began with warming up his aching muscles. He had spent the last two weeks in bed and it wasn’t exactly the rest he was looking for. He started with simple exercises to loosen up his muscles. Eventually he popped in a CD from one of their older albums and began the routine.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been dancing but eventually he collapsed on the floor, his chest heaving and his head pounding. His limbs ached and he felt like the world was spinning. He hadn’t even heard the door open to the studio. He looked up, his breath catching in his throat.

”Oh, I didn’t think anyone was here. Sorry.” Seunghyun just nodded unable to take his eyes off of Jiyong. The younger man was wearing loose basketball and a wife beater. His hair covered his eyes again. Again he refused to look at the older man. “I’ll just leave.” Seunghyun caught his ankle before he could escape again.

”Don’t leave. Please don’t leave.” His voice sounded weak and distant, soulless probably, but the younger man decided to stay. He sat on the ground, eyeing Seunghyun as he tried to get his breathing together.

”Why?” Seunghyun took a swig of his water and swallowed.

”Why what?” He asked clueless.

”Why did you decide to kill yourself?” The older man winced. No one had ever put it like that but that was Jiyong’s charm. He was blunt and to the point.

”I don’t know why.” He said shrugging.

”Don’t give me that bull.” Seunghyun winced and stared at the floor.

“I don’t…I can’t…I…” He bit his lip. His voice was breaking, his dam was breaking. “Why do you even care?”

”Maybe I don’t.” Jiyong got up and made his way to the door. “You’re just a lost cause Seunghyun. Where’s the hyung who brightened my smile while I was recording my album? Where’s the hyung who helped me through that nasty breakup two years go? Where is my hyung who helped me when all the pressure of being leader? Where is he?” Seunghyun couldn’t say anything. “I thought so. You’re a lost cause.” Seunghyun wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear it or not, but that last comment tore him.

Seunghyun eventually went back to filming. He tried to act normal, like there was nothing wrong, but inside he was ready for the filming to be over so he could get on with his life. Eventually they finished and he was free to lounge around the house. The premier was weeks away but Seunghyun was dreading that day. Spending time alone in the hostel wasn’t any better than being around his hyungs or dongsaengs.

‘You’re a lost cause.’ Jiyong’s words haunted him. His insomnia had returned and he was becoming a bit paranoid. His depression was getting to him. He walked around his room at night, mumbling to himself in Korean and English. Often times he would black out and wake up in a different setting. One time he’d been on his way to the bathroom after a good workout and then the next thing he knew, he was inside of the big bang van. Jiyong began avoiding him even more and things were becoming tense between the members. Though the others were happy to have Seunghyun home, they were still on their leader’s side. Jiyong refused to even breathe the same air as Seunghyun. He wanted so badly tell them it hurt but it was painful to look at him and see disappointment on his face.

His life wasn’t getting any easier now that the movie was done filming. His insomnia was getting worse. Every time he closed his eyes, disturbing images danced in his mind. He out more and more, his body was always tired and his depression was ever more present. Seunghyun stayed in his room, hurdled in a corner, whispering raps. He would pick up a notebook and all he could put in it were disturbing things. Eventually he stopped eating, sleeping and spent all his time dancing or working out. At nights, when everyone was asleep, he walked around his room, always careful of his toys. Seungri had walked in on him during one of his episodes. The poor boy paled and whimpered. Seunghyun didn’t even acknowledge his presence, just went about muttering. He was falling apart.

Seunghyun finally decided to end it. After being caught in an episode by Seungri, the youngest member had gone to Young Bae who went to Teddy for help. He was able to supply Seunghyun some pills for sleeping and depression. He also got something to help with the episodes. He had started sleeping better. But it changed after attending the Into the Fire movie premier and several press conferences after that. Yes he appeared happy just like all the other members, but it was just for the cameras. Inside they were all torn at their big brother’s actions. After attending another press conference and doing some recording, Seunghyun announced he was going to turn in early. Nothing out of the ordinary so far. Seunghyun closed the door and made sure to lock it. No way was he letting one of them gets in the way of ending his pain once and for all. He had contemplated many ways to kill himself. He thought about cutting himself, but just in case it failed he didn’t want people asking about his cuts. Then he thought about hanging but he decided that would be obvious. He settled on popping pills. Easy and simple. Besides it would quick and easy. Painless. He would fall asleep and never wake up. Simple.

”Here goes.” He mumbled. He jumped realizing that he didn’t even sound like himself anymore. He dumped all three bottles of pills in his hand and threw back. And then…

”Seunghyun, wake up please! Please, please, dear God please wake up!” Someone was calling his name again. “Seunghyun, damn it, wake up you ing idiot!” He could feel something moist falling on him. “Seunghyun, please…please don’t leave me. I can’t…I can’t live without you. Dear God, Seunghyun wake up!” Darkness engulfed him.

”Why?” That was becoming a life threatening question, Seunghyun thought. Every time Jiyong asked him that, he ended up falling. Just because he couldn’t open up and risk having his dam break. He was a role model but lately he felt like a soulless shell that no one understood or cared for.

After pumping his stomach and putting him on an IV and under supervision, Seunghyun was told that if he ever tried something stupid like that again, Yang would personally lock him up in an asylum. For now, Seunghyun was forced to lie in the hospital. Seunghyun strictly forbade anyone from visiting him. He didn’t want to see the disappointed faces of his hyungs, noonas or his dongsaengs. He couldn’t bare it. But of course one person had to defy him.

”Damn it, I told the nurse cherry not grape.” Jiyong scowled as he pushed Seunghyun’s Jell-O into the trash. Seunghyun watched as he picked his plate apart, discarding the dried turkey, the greasy potatoes and the burnet chicken. “Hospital food .” He could only nod as Jiyong dumped everything in the trash. “You know, you still haven’t answered my question yet.”

”Why do you even care Jiyong?” Jiyong sighed and twirled the plastic container of apple juice. The two sat in silence.

”I hurt.” Jiyong glanced at Seunghyun.

”Of course you are. You just swallowed 14 pills at once. I’m surprised you’re not withering in pain.”

”No, I felt empty inside.” He swallowed thickly under Jiyong’s gaze. “I felt like life wasn’t worth living any more, like there was no point in waking up or going to sleep. I began having horrible dreams, dreams that made me bolt out of bed. Sometimes…they were so powerful that I would vomit. It was horrible Ji, I felt like all the light in me had disappeared.” Jiyong looked and listened, never once interrupting.

”Seunghyun,” He whispered. “What happened? What would make you feel that way?” Seunghyun felt close to breaking. Jiyong could see him about to make up some lame excuse. “Tell me the truth Choi Seunghyun. What. Happened?” Jiyong rubbed small circles on his hand. And Seunghyun let it all out. It must’ve been the circles or the look of love and pleading in Jiyong’s eyes that caused his dam to break. Whatever it may be, Seunghyun broke down and told Jiyong the real reason behind his mental breakdowns.

He had been perfectly fine with filming Into the Fire. He had been excited about acting again. His excitement died down after he was told about the movie. The director gave them a rundown on the characters. Seunghyun doesn’t know what triggered it but every time he closed his eyes all he could see where women and children dying around him, men as young as Minzi and younger dropping dead around him. Everyone around him would just drop dead until he was the last one standing. Then Jiyong would appear along with Seungri, Daesung and Young Bae. He felt glad seeing them and would run towards them. But before he could reach them they would be fall dead. When Jiyong fell to the ground, his head rolling to rest beside him with his eyes open Seunghyun would wake up, shaking violently and muffling his own screams.

He figured that it was just the stress but after a week, the dreams were worse. He always dreamed about Jiyong being sent out on the battle field with him, or staying behind or something. It didn’t matter he would always die a horrible, gruesome death at the end before Seunghyun woke up. One time he had literally thrown up all over his bed after a dream. Seunghyun just stopped sleeping. He figured that if he didn’t sleep he didn’t dream. It worked until one night he had accidentally fallen asleep at his desk. This was one of his worst dreams. All his fears molded into one never ending nightmare. Seunghyun jolted awake, barely making it to the toilet before he painfully wrenched up the contents from the day before.

Seunghyun had eventually just turned to drinking to help cope with his problem. He hated being sober when he filmed but he had to. When Jiyong had kicked him out of their apartment, Seunghyun had felt as if his life no longer mattered.

”Why not?” Jiyong asked breathless.

”Because you had given up on me.” Jiyong said nothing, just nodded at him to continue. Seunghyun continued saying that after that he got lost in his own world. He couldn’t remember what day it was after awhile, he stopped eating as much and he read a lot. He laughed a hollow laugh.

”Reading all those damn war books didn’t help. I though…” He paused. “I thought it would help me cope.” Jiyong nodded in understanding, tracing different patterns on the other’s bony hand.

Seunghyun still felt lost and scared. When he was called back to record their latest single and music video he felt some kind of hope. But the others were acting strange around him and his depression worsened and his hope disappeared. And then his dam began to form. When Jiyong asked why, Seunghyun swallowed the lump in his throat.

”I saw you and Young Bae together. Holding hands and standing close really close.” He swallowed looking at the steel gaze in Jiyong’s eyes. He had lost all hope and faith and his darkness grew. He finally decided enough was enough. He was sick of darkness tempting him and teasing him. He decided to just end it all and embracing the darkness forever. He packed everything he had, left them in his room and wrote letters. He went to the hostel, delivered the letters and took the picture of him and Jiyong at the amusement park.

”That was our first year as Big Bang.” Seunghyun nodded. He furthered explained stealing keys and taking a car, any car. He didn’t care where he went. As long as he got to embrace the darkness he didn’t really care. He didn’t even remember driving off the hill and into the ocean. He hadn’t even known he was near water. That was his first black out episode. And when he felt his life slipping away he felt relieved that everything would be over.

”And then you came along and rescued me.” The patterns were moving up his forearm now. During his recovery months he felt that everyone’s behavior was a bit disappointing. His darkness was still there but it was smaller. And when Jiyong had said those words in the Dance studio he felt it grow larger than before. Everything became crazy and a blur. He would have blackouts, his insomnia returned, he became anorexic and he could be found pacing his room a lot. After the movie was finished being filmed he began to see disturbing images when he blinked and then he would just see them. They would dance in his line of vision. His raps became dark and his notebook was filled with raps and pictures that would disturb a criminal mastermind. He felt even more depressed when Jiyong began disappearing.

”You don’t understand how it felt. To have the one thing in your life, the only light in your life, just disappear. It tore me up inside.” Jiyong glance at him.

”I’m sorry.” Seunghyun broke down. He sobbed heart wrenching sobs. “Seunghyun.” Jiyong moved to wrap his arms around him.

”You don’t understand what it felt like. I-I didn’t…oh God I’m sorry.” Jiyong didn’t say anything but he pulled away, feeling…he didn’t know what he felt.

”Ji? Ji please don’t leave me. Ji don’t leave, I-I won’t try and kill myself. Just don’t leave. Please, dear God Ji don’t leave me.”

”Why?” That question again.

”Because Ji…I love you.”

“AHH! Not again! Hyung how could you?!” The whining of a certain maknae woke Seunghyun up on a beautiful Sunday morning.

”I think its time to get up.” Seunghyun’s lips twitched in annoyance. He didn’t feel like getting up, not right now. He had been up late last night working on some raps with Ji. Of course they didn’t actually finish the raps like they were supposed to.

”Come on you two, up and at them.”

”Young Bae if you don’t get out of my room I’ll personally neuter you myself.” He could almost feel his smile as the younger man opened the curtains, letting in the rays of the malicious sun.

”I’ll take my chance hyung. Now let’s go, we have a day of fun planed ahead of us.” Seunghyun heard the door close.

”Do we have to get up?” He smiled as he felt Jiyong scout closer to him.

”I’m going to say yes.” The older man groaned and squirmed a bit before rolling out of bed. “I hate Young Bae at the moment.”

”Love you too hyung!” Came from the other side of the door causing Seunghyun to shake his head and laugh. He could see Jiyong wince but he was slowly getting used to him. He himself was healing and although a few good months had passed since then, the wounds were still fresh. It had taken him months to gain back the weight he’d lost and he was told he had to go to therapy. Not that he minded because Jiyong was with him every step of the way.

”Oppa, hurry up so we can go!” Seunghyun finished dressing and opened the door. A new trainee of their, Park Ae Cha, was standing at the door. Her hands rested on her hips and was working overtime on chewing a piece of gum in . “Are you two idiots ready yet?” Ae Cha wasn’t like most people he had met. She was African American and Korean but that wasn’t made her unique. No it was the way she talked to people. She had lived in America her whole life and when she talked she used informal language with everyone. She spoke perfect Korean and English as well as Japanese and Spanish.

Ae Cha was a little too much for Seunghyun. Her face was rounded and puffed like baby’s, giving her the appearance of a young school girl. But when you got a good look at her you saw a child with an adult’s body. She was well endowed and a guy attraction. Guys flocked around her, lust fully clear in their eyes. But Ae Cha would always give them a nice stern, African American warning. Seunghyun always laughed at the men who approached Ae Cha, knowing that they would get one of her infamous warnings.

“Yah, that’s no way for a female to talk to her hyungs.” Jiyong mocked.

” you Kwon.” Jiyong grinned.

”Ah, I love you too.” Seunghyun looked at them and shook his head. One day he hoped to be as happy as Jiyong. First he had to chase away the darkness, and then maybe he could be happy. He walked past the two who were bickering about something. Well Ae Cha was cursing at Jiyong and the other was smiling.

”Yah we don’t have all day! Let’s go!” Ae Cha stopped her yelling before smiling.

”Coming oppa!” She skipped and grabbed a hold of Seungri’s hand, her eyes twinkling.

”Ready?” She nodded and stuck her tongue out at Jiyong.

”Still love ya babe.” He blew her a kiss and winked at Seunghyun before going to catch up.

One day, Seunghyun would find happiness. But, for now, he was content on where he was now. Out of the darkness.

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