BGM: Sleepless Night

* March 7, 2014 CNBlue Practice Room FNC *

- Jungshin’s POV –

Last night was hell. After we left M Countdown, we went straight to a bar. Yonghwa hyung haven’t spoken since we left. Well frankly none of spoke last night except to order more drinks.  We got wasted and Jonghyun hyung was like a chic magnet. Ladies keep appearing left and right but he ignored them. What he didn’t ignore were the men that claimed the ladies as theirs. It got physical and since we’re brothers all of us got into a brawl. Chairs smashed, tables turned, glasses broken and worst of all, blood spilt. The club management banned those men while for we were protected, probably because we were famous but I tend to disregard the fact that we’re famous.

Well to be honest, they’re famous. I’m not. Maybe that was why she didn’t fall for me.

Oh by the way I haven’t introduced myself to you readers. My name is Lee Jungshin, CNBlue’s Bassist and I permanently sit on the number 4 in terms of ranking. Yes, it’s a proven fact. I’m the least famous amongst the CNBlue members. When people think of CNBlue, they think of our charismatic leader Yonghwa, our vampire-handsome Jonghyun, our cutest eye-smile Minhyuk. Then there’s me, the ordinarily tall freak, Jungshin. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brothers to bit. But being number 4 lowered my self-esteem. Well before I didn’t mind because I was in it for the Music, but now, since she appeared in my life, I tried everything to be at least reach her level. But who was I kidding; I couldn’t even hold a candle to her status-

“Yah Jungshin, stop spacing out,” Yonghwa suddenly shouted to me. I snapped back to reality. We all have a hangover but we decided to practice for later. But we weren’t making any progress. Although we decided to practice our hearts weren’t into it. I mean our hearts weren’t there to begin with, they were broken.

“Hyung, I can’t concentrate. Can I go?” I said. I looked at him, well I pleaded with my eyes. I really don’t feel like practicing but in all honesty I don’t feel like doing anything at all. He sighed and nodded. I packed up my bass and left without saying a word to my members. They know where I’m going anyways. Wander around the city. Usually when I’m moody, I just walk aimlessly. But this time I brought my DSLR camera. I just hope this could take away my mind thinking of her. As I was getting out, I met manager hyung.

“Jungshin aren’t you guys supposed to be practicing?”

“We don’t feel like practicing anymore hyung.”

“Kure? Well you guys seemed to have covered practicing Can’t Stop anyways.”

“Then I’ll go hyung.” I bowed to him but he stopped me.

“Where are you going Jungshin?”

“Nowhere.”

“Be more specific Jungshin.” He insisted and grabbed my hand, I couldn’t go anywhere. What is happening to him, he’s not usually like this.

“Aish hyung. I don’t know, maybe the park? Yeah okay fine. I’ll go to the closest park here.”

“Arasseo. Don’t forget to take a cap and a flu mask so you don’t get caught by the media.” He warned me as he let go of my hand.

“Got it hyung.” I saw him writing a text as I hurriedly went my away, fearing he’s going to ask me another question.

I stopped to our van, got the mask and the cap, wore it and went on my way. True to my word, I went to the nearest park. Other than music, my other passion is photography. If music couldn’t take my mind off her, maybe photography will.

It was early March and the weather was still cold. But it didn’t stop me from taking pictures of the scenery. The park’s trees amidst the light blue sky with the sun towering called for a nice photo. I snapped a multiple of pictures and went to the gallery to check it. It wasn’t that bad and I deleted the unnecessary ones. As I keep pressing next, the next photo shocked me. It was our selca. I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know we had a picture together. Then it all came to me, she bought me this camera as a celebration for winning in MuBank last year. It seemed a long time ago...

- Flashback –

“Congratulations Jungshinnie! Here take this as congratulation and as a thank you present for helping me last week.” She shoved a box into my hands. I smiled widely and gasped on what the present holds. It was A DSLR Camera.

“Wah noona, I don’t know what to say,” for I lost all the words to express anything to her.

“Just say thank you to me, merong,” she stuck her tongue out at me and I laughed.

“Arasseo jinjja komawo noona, and about last week. I was happy to help. Anything good happen to that dress I picked for you?” I asked and opened the camera. I was absorbed in it that I didn’t notice she blushed at my statement.

“Yeah, my plan went great. Really great!” She said.

“Jinjja? That’s good to hear. Now spill the details about your plans.” I said.

“That’s for me to know.” She said with a smile.

“Aish noona, I help you pick a nice dress. The least you can tell me is where you used it.”

“Not going to tell you,” She again stuck her tongue out and I just laugh.

“Fine at least take a picture with me to test if this camera is working,” I said.

“Of course it’s working. I’m not going to buy some cheap camera for you, you know?” she said but she obliged and we took a selca.

 Last week I bumped into Sooyoung noona in the mall. I was surprised since she quickly dragged me inside the store and made me choose amongst the multitude of dress laid out in an unorganized pile in front of her. We weren’t close but I chose to help because she was our hyungsoonim’s sister. During that day, we played fashion statement. Her walking like a model and me commenting left and right about the dress she’s currently wearing. We had some laughs and we became close until I chose the perfect dress for her. She looked like a Goddess; it was like the dress was specifically made for her. I couldn’t stop gapping until she told me how she looks.

“You’re beautiful,” I subconsciously said.

She laughed and said, “I’ll take it then”. I think it was during that time I fell for her or started falling for her. Throughout the year, we remained close and as she said, I was her boy best friend which hurt a lot but I was okay with it. I was able to stay close to her.

There were times when I planned to confess to her but I chickened out. I was too cowardly until it was too late.

The day Sooyoung’s scandal with Jung Kyung Ho sunbaenim was released. I was just on the phone with the manager of a restaurant planning a confession until Yonghwa hyung opened the door with a devastated look on his face.

“Jungshin, you have to see this.” His demeanor and expression made me worried as he guided me to the TV. There it was, the scandal which both side confirmed to be true.

My world stopped, my knees buckled in front of the TV.  As the tears started flowing, I heard that they confirmed they started dating January last year. The sudden realization that I probably picked the dress on their very first date made my heart cracked into a thousand pieces.

- End of Flashback –

No words could describe what I felt on that day. I found tears flowing down my cheeks for the thousandth time since that day. I forced myself to sit at a nearby bench disregarding the fact that it was wet from morning dew. But I was focused on that picture. We looked so happy and I used to imagine what would happen if we got married, our children’s name, everything. I’ve lost count on how many nights I have fantasized about us getting together but all of that went down the drain during that day.  Since then, every single night was spent on crying, cursing myself for being too coward. But most of all, my mind dwell on the realization that I didn’t even had any chance to be with her to begin with. I met her at the beginning of their relationship. And also I couldn’t even be compared to Kyung Ho sunbaenim. He’s handsome, has the body most girls want, a leading actor, kind and a true namja.

I’m just the number 4 of CNBlue. What chance do I have against someone like him? I’m just a pebble to a mountain like him. What choice do I have than to give up right? I mean from what I hear they seemed happy with each other and I don’t want to in their relationship. That’s why I haven’t answered any calls or texts from her. I don’t want to lose myself in front of her.

I quickly press delete and as I was about to confirm it- “Are you really going to delete the only picture we had together Jungshinnie?” the voice I’ve dreamt of vividly every night materialized in front of me. I don’t know if I have become delirious or hallucinating but Sooyoung is standing in front of me holding two cups of coffee. She sat herself beside me and laid the coffee between us. I sat there gaping at her, still wondering if this was a dream or reality.

“Aish Jugshinnie, you could have chosen a dry bench,” she said while wiping the dew off her clothes.

“Yah are you just going to sit there looking at me with your mouth open?” She said.

That brought me out of my thoughts and I automatically turned off my camera, stood up and said, “Mianheyo Sooyoung-ssi, but I have to go.” That was the first thing that came out of my mind. I guess I wasn’t ready to meet her and I feel too cowardly to even talk to her. I turned around and was about to go but-

“Kajima jebal. Jungshinnie we have to talk,” she whispered as she held my wrist.

An internal battle fought within me, my broken heart screaming that it can’t take anymore Sooyoung doses while my rational thoughts say it’s better to let it all out.

“Please?” I turned around as I thought I heard a sob and I was right, tears were running down her eyes. That won me over and I wanted to pacify her tears but I nodded and sat down. My eyes have gotten watery and I struggled to keep the tears at bay.

“What do we have to talk with me noona?” I managed to say. Although I knew exactly what she wanted to say. Apologies.

“You love me.” She whispered. I looked at her shocked. I have never told her how I felt, how can this be?

“Ho-how di-did you kn-know?” I stammered and the tears were gone but replaced with shock.

“I have guessed it, I just needed confirmation and I did yesterday. All the times we hanged out I had these thoughts that you were trying so hard to tell me and I couldn’t even bring myself to bring out the topic because it might make us awkward and I value this friendship too much.” She whispered as she looked far away with tears running down her cheeks.

Friendship. I am just a friend to her. That turned my heart into dust. My heart screamed it can’t take it anymore and the tears started flowing.

“Then if you knew, why didn’t you tell me that you and Kyung Ho sunbaenim were together?” I asked. Another question that lingered my mind for the past 2 months.

“Oppa said that I could tell anyone I like but my management told me to tell those close to me-“ WHAT?!

I scoffed and said, “So I’m not even close to you huh.” A dry laugh escaped my lips as the realization that I was the only one who truly valued our “friendship”.

“A-Ani, it-it’s not like tha-“ she looked at me quickly and stammered but I cut her off.

“I didn’t even deserve to be called your best friend,” I said my anger rising. “So was it fun giving me hope? Was it fun to see me broken? TELL ME SOOYOUNG?! WAS IT FUN?!” I stood up and shouted at her. I’m losing it. My anger is at its peak. It was better when I was sad but this, the emotion is overflowing.

“Do you think I liked it when I chose to lie to you? Do you think I wanted to lie to you? I wanted to tell you but if I told you, you would have closed the door on my face. You would have ignored me and I don’t want to lose you!” She too stood up and was shouting.

“Lose me? LOSE ME?! If you would have told me I could have accepted the fact that you were taken and I wouldn’t have all these hope pent up inside of me! BUT YOU DIDN’T!  YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN I HEARD ABOUT IT IN THE NEWS!” I was shouting so hard that you could hear it echo around the park. Thankfully no one was wandering around. Just imagine the headlines tomorrow or even later evening, “CNBlue’s Jungshin caught arguing with SNSD’s Sooyoung.”

“When the news came out, you’re the first thing that came to my mind. I tried calling you but you didn’t answer-“

“What did you expect? You broke my heart! Why would I even want to talk to you?!”

When she heard that she cried so hard. My anger subsided and was replaced with guilt. What have I done. I stood there watching her cry, my arms screaming to hug her but they were hanging limp beside me.

“Look,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and I’m sorry for not accepting your feelings but you are probably the closest person I have other than my members ad my family. That 1 year of friendship, I would value that for the rest of my life. You there for me every time I felt down, when I was happy. I don’t deserve your feelings after how I treated you and for that I am truly sorry. If you don’t want to be my friend anymore, I’ll understand.” She looked at me with those teary eyes. Knowing that I was the cause of those tears broke me. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing from my eyes and I bowed my head.

I turned around and took a step. I knew if I take another step, what we had together would be gone by the wind. Am I ready for that? I need to think, “I’ll tell you the next time I see you noona.” Then I walked away, leaving her crying on the bench.

I just walked while crying. I didn’t realize that my feet brought me back to FNC. I don’t care if any paparazzi caught me crying but I just went in. It’s better to be somewhere safe when I broke down again. I don’t know where my feet are bringing me but I bumped into someone and I nonchalantly said, “I’m sorry” bowed and left.

“Jungshin-ah? Is that you?” a feminine voice asked me.

I turned around and looked at the person I bumped, “Oh Eunjung noona.” I bowed.

“Omo why are you crying?” She asked me worriedly.

“It’s nothing noona,” I said while I hastily wiped my tears. “What are you doing here in FNC noona?”

“Eyy don’t change the subject. What happened? Oh to answer your question I was looking for you if you wanted to hang out?” she smiled at me.

“I ca-can’t noona,” I said. I just wanted to be alone.

“Come on! It would take your mind off whatever your problem is,” she said. Maybe I could use the company. What could go wrong? It can’t get any worse than what I’m feeling now anyways.

“Arasseo noon- oh wait a minute,” My phone vibrated and I got a text from manager hyung that we were about to leave for our performance. “Oh noona we have to go perform. Mianhe.”

“How about after your performance? I’ll pick you up?”

“Arasseo noona.”

“Promise that you’re going with me later?” She held out her pinky and I laughed.

“I promise,” I took her pinky and crossed it.

“Yey! See you later Jungshin-ah!”

“Arasseo noona.”

My little encounter with Eunjung noona made me forgot what happened temporarily. But it all came flooding back when I was in front of our practice room. But this time, the tears didn’t come. It is probably because I ran out of tears.

“Jungshin-ah, are you okay?” My manger asked me when he opened the door.

“Ne hyung.  I’m fine.” I smiled at him and he seemed convinced. I grabbed my Bass case and walked out with the rest of the members.

During our performance, I felt numb. I was on the verge of tears on what Sooyoung said.

I value this Friendship…

Friendship...

I blinked away the tears that were about to spill and tried to focus on the song.

(CNBlue March 7 2014, MuBank Performance Here Look at Jungshin. He was like on the verge of tears really..)

After the song, we heard they were here but we left already, well my brothers left while I’m still waiting for Eunjung noona. As I sat in our room alone with the lights out, I feel the coldness, not from last days of Winter Season, but the coldness of my heart. I don’t know what to do. I just sat there in my loneliness repeating those few words she said.

Friendship.. Friends..

“Jungshin-ah, are you here? Oh wait the lights are closed. Has he left already? Jassik, he stood me up. Aigoo.” A feminine voice brought me out of my nightmare. I coughed to get her attention.

“Noona I’m here,” I said.

“Yah Jungshin-ah! I thought you forgot about our plans.” She walked towards my voice. “Why is it dark in here?”

“Just don’t want anyone to bother me right now noona,” I said bluntly.

“Do-does tha-that include me?” She sounded hurt of my words.

“Aniyo noona! I stayed here so that nobody would disturb me WHILE I wait for you,” I quickly denied it although a part of me just wanted to be left alone.

“Ah kure? Kaja?” She said smiling at me. I just nodded as a response. We walked to her car underground and I offered to drive. “Do you have your license with you right now?” Damnit I forgot my wallet at our practice room. Figuring my disturbed looked she said, “I guess not.”

As we took a drive, I sat shotgun. “Where are we going noona?” I asked.

“Our dorm.” She said.

“NE?!” Wait what’s going on? I’m going to T-ara’s DORM? “I-is it o-okay for a guy to enter your dorm?”

“Kwenchana, it will be just the 2 of us. I chased the members away.” She laughed lightly. That statement made me worry. What is going to happen in that dorm.

Time passed and we didn’t talk much. I didn’t realize I had slept when I felt someone shaking my shoulder. “Junghin-ah we’re here.” I blinked my eyes and struggled out of the seatbelt. I followed noona to their dorm and I said, “Sorry I fell asleep noona.”

“Don’t worry about it. You looked like you needed it.” And she was right. I haven’t, well we haven’t slept well for the past 2 months.

As we reached the door, I had doubts whether I should enter or not. “Come on in Jungshin-ah.” She said.

“Kahmsamida,” I reluctantly said.

I removed my shoes and entered their dorm. Their dorm was neat and simple, what wasn’t simple was the loads of food lying neatly on the coffee table. “What is this noona?”

“Oh this? I heard from a reliable source that CNBlue haven’t been eating properly and have lost weight.” She chuckled. “I made this- wait, T-ara made this to support CNBlue in their promotions. Seriously you guys need to take care of yourselves properly.”

“I don’t know what to say noona,” for sure I was really speechless.

“You don’t have to say anything, just eat up and take the rest to your other members,” She said. The tears started forming in my eyes. My God I have become too emotional. I’m used to being Untouchable, no one approach me but I approach them. This kindness.. it was too much.

“Yah Jungshin-ah, why are you crying? Don’t you like it?” she asked worriedly.

“Ani noona, nomu nomu joha. Kahmsamida noona. It’s just that, this is the first good thing that happened to us since this year started.” I confessed.

“Why? I thought CNBlue had everything figured out! I mean you have a world tour! A comeback! Everyth-“

“That’s all business noona, what I meant was this was the first good thing that happened to us not as CNBlue but as individual people. Nothing has worked right since the beginning of the year for each of us. We-we’re all..” I couldn’t continue as the tears were flowing.

“It’s okay if you can’t talk about it,” She pat my shoulder and smiled.

“We’re all broken noona. Me, Minhyuk, Yonghwa Hyung and mostly Jonghyun Hyung. We’re all broken.” I whispered.

“Want to tell me about it? I mean talking helps. You don’t have to tell me your other members’ problems but you can tell me yours,” she said.

We sat down on the couch I laid my elbows on my knees and gripped my hair while I talked about my problem with Sooyoung noona. Everything, all my insecurities, all my doubts, all my feelings. It just flowed continuously from my mouth. The tears couldn’t stop flowing. Eunjung noona just sat there while I talked. I couldn’t see her reaction to what I said, as I was busy looking at the floor, looking at the small puddle of my tears.

After I finished, she finally talked, “I hope you do know that you’re not the only one suffering. Sooyoung-ssi is also suffering. She’s in a tight spot; she doesn’t want to lose either both of you. It might be selfish but who in this world wants to lose someone close to them, right? If she told you in advance, you would have ignored her right? Because you need time to accept the truth and move on with or without her being your best friend again. Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship Jungshin-ah? Are you willing to completely let go?” She softly asked me. I know the answer. Deep in my heart, Sooyoung noona will always have a special place in my heart. It might not be what she wanted but she do have a place there.

“No, I don’t want to lose her,” I replied quietly.

“If you don’t want to lose her, you’re going to have to let go of her feelings. Are you okay with that?”

“If I do, will she be happy?”

“No, ask yourself would you be happy to have her as a best friend only?”

Could I let go of my feelings for her? I don’t think I can. But if I don’t I would lose her completely. I swallowed hard, “I should but I don’t think I can do it noona.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you.” She smiled. I smiled back.

“Oh and also I hope you know that even if you think as you’re the least famous amongst you guys in CNBlue, does it really matter? I mean, you have your own fans; you look handsome and cool while playing a Bass. There are people who like you more than the others just because of who you are right now.”

“Re-really?”

“You couldn’t see it because you only listen to the critics and haters out there. You chose to believe them than to see the reality. You do have your fans Jungshin-ah,” She said. “I’m here aren’t I?”

“Yo-you noona?” I asked. I finally looked away from the floor and looker at her. She was smiling with tears falling down her eyes.

“Pabo Jungshin-ah. I have been supporting you for a long time. How come you don’t notice it?” She accused me and slapped my arm.

“Cheongmal mianhe noona. I didn’t mean to be rude to you-“

She kissed me. She lightly peck my lips and she pulled back. “Stop saying sorry. Haven’t you gotten tired of saying sorry?” she smiled at me angelically. I don’t know what I’m feeling at the moment but it wasn’t pain and suffering but it felt like waking up from a bad dream.

Maybe it’s because I have felt inferior to my members that I had forgotten to be on the spotlight. Maybe it’s because I have been number 4 for a long time that I forgot how it feels to be someone’s number 1. Maybe it’s time to give myself a chance.

I smiled back.

Author's Note:

Hi guys! About the pairing of Jungshin with Eunjung, its just that it's unfair to put Sooyoung as a partner since she had a boyfriend already and i saw that theres a lot of people shipping this couple, I mean they even have a facebook page for them!

Oh Jungshin's and Sooyoung's encounter would be somewhere in Jonghyun's story.

Cheers!