Saudade

(n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to
Something or someone that is distant,
Or that has been loved and then lost,
“the love that remains”

 

 

Sehun met Lu Han when he was 8 years old.

It was December when Sehun was woken up by a sound of a parking vehicle. It’s still dawn and the sky is violet with a tinge of yellow and gold, signaling people that it’s a start of a new day. He peeked out of his bedroom’s window just to see a truck with boxes. Seems like someone’s moving, he said at the back of his head. He saw a man carrying a child get out of the car. Judging by the child’s figure who’s still sleeping at the man’s shoulder, Sehun thought that maybe the child is almost the same age as him with a honey colored hair and doe eyes. He smiled at himself. Maybe, Sehun will be able to make a new friend.  

He quickly grabbed his little blue parka scattered in the corner of the room with his toys. He’s ecstatic for his soon-to-be-new-friend, so Sehun is leaping while coming down the stairs. He found his mom in the kitchen cooking pancakes for breakfast.

“Good morning, mom!” Sehun smiled.

“Good morning, honey… I see that you’re early today, it’s Saturday my dear, you can still go back to sleep.” His mom replied while pouring the mixture in the pan.

“I’m going outside mom! There’s a new kid!” Sehun said while jumping in excitement. Sehun walked towards his mom and hugged her.

“I see.” His mother bent down and ruffled his hair. “Okay… be a good kid, come back for breakfast… okay?”

“Yes mom.” Sehun replied as he walked towards their door and he tripped at one of his toys. Her mother gasp and before she can react Sehun stood up, smile never leaving his face.

Sehun ran eagerly towards the house in front of them. The coldness of the air seeping through his veins was ignored. Snowflakes are already falling down. He saw the boy from earlier sitting at the stairs in the porch, his eyes obviously groggy from sleep. The boy yawned and stretched his arms. Sehun thought that it’s adorable.

“Hi!” Sehun said to the boy.

The boy was surprised to see another kid. He immediately stood up and smiled at him. The boy is a bit taller than Sehun.

“Hello…” The boy said in accentuated tone.

Sehun offered a hand and the boy shook it.

“I’m Sehun, by the way…”

“Lu Han… I’m from China.”

Sehun thought that there’s still a hint of warmth in December.

***

Sehun and Lu Han are inseparable. Sehun waits for Lu Han’s classes to end when their homeroom teacher decides to extend time. In exchange of waiting, Lu Han would invite Sehun to come over their house to play the PlayStation. Lu Han turned out to be two years ahead of Sehun but the latter isn’t a bit bothered by their gap. It’s a routine for the two of them: one comforting the other (It’s alright Sehun… there’s still another chance, stop crying, okay?), or vice versa, and one seeking for comfort. It’s as if that one will not survive if the other is not around.

***

Sehun is sixteen when Lu Han left.

Sehun is playing the computer when his phone suddenly rang. He was annoyed because he was about to finish the game when his freakin’ phone rang. He paused the game to see who’s calling. It was Lu Han. Sehun felt a chill down his spine, a phone call from Lu Han is never good. Once, Lu Han called Sehun only to find out that the older boy is crying. Another is when Lu Han called Sehun to help him get home from a clinic because he got hooked up by a fight. Sehun gulped before answering his phone.

“H-Hello?” Sehun found that his knees are shaking.

“Sehun? Hey, meet me in front of my house…” Lu Han said.

“Wh-What?” Sehun said, confused. He was expecting something scarier in Lu Han’s tone.

“You heard me.”

“Hyung, you can just knock on my door, you know.”

“Whatever, just meet me here… okay?”

Sehun smiled at himself, he can feel Lu Han rolling his eyes. “Okay.”

The two of them hung up.

Sehun saw Lu Han sitting at the stairs in the porch again. It’s a habit of Lu Han he finds adorable and endearing. He likes it when the older boy rests his head on the banister. Sehun takes his seat next to him. Lu Han heaved a sigh. The two of them sat in silence. Sehun senses that there’s something wrong, so he’s the one who initiated the conversation.

“Hyung, what’s the-“ Sehun was cut off by Lu Han.

“You know this is where I first met you, and you called out my name…” Lu Han gave him a smile that didn’t actually reach his eyes.

“Yeah… I’m 8, and you’re 10 by then. I thought you’re the same age as me, hyung. I saw you being carried by your dad.” Lu Han rolled his eyes, but the smile is never leaving his lips.

Nostalgia creeps through their hands and feet, hiding the two of them in the shell of yearning desire, bitter memories, and of course, the happy ones.

“Sehun?”

“Yes, hyung?”

Lu Han intertwined their fingers. He’s surprised when his hand fits perfectly into Sehun’s. Lu Han’s smile was washed away by the wave of guilt.

“You know I kind of like a guy… but I wouldn’t be able to love him because I’m going to another place.

Sehun froze. What? Lu Han is going to another place? It’s a joke right? The thought of loving a guy, whoever he is, left Sehun’s mind. His mind was more focused in Lu Han being away from him.

 For the first time, Sehun felt that his world crumbled. Sure he still has many friends, but Lu Han is his friend since he was eight. Lu Han is special. He’s so special that he’s the least person Sehun wanted to leave. He’s so special that when they’re having their late night hangovers, Sehun wants to kiss Lu Han’s lips. He’s so special that when Lu Han cried at one point of time, Sehun felt that his heart was shattered into pieces. Lu Han is special because Sehun knew that he felt love towards the other boy.

Sehun’s grip to Lu Han’s hand tightened.

“Hyung, you’re kidding right?” Sehun lets out a dry laugh.

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” Lu Han could already feel his tears.

Sehun sighed, trying to calm himself. “Why? When?”

“I don’t know when, but my family will start a new business in China… we’re going to go back there Sehun…”

Sehun is too shocked to speak, his words are clogged in his throat, he’s too shocked to cry, tears stuck in the corner of his eyes, too confused let out a tear fall.

“Sehun…”

Sehun looked at him, hoping to find signs that Lu Han is joking, only fooling around. But he can’t find any.

“Sehun, I love you… I don’t know when it started. It’s weird…” Lu Han sniffs, trying to compose himself. “I know this’ll hurt, but I just wanted to confess to you, spill all my feelings for you, taste the moments we’ll be together. I don’t know, but you can just go back to your hour house if you’re freaked out… Oh gosh, I’m so weird…”

He continued to cry, unable to stop himself. He felt a pair of arms envelop him into a hug. Lu Han is surprised. Sehun wiped his tears.

Sehun tries to pick Lu Han’s scattered pieces on the floor, even though it hurts him. He glues Lu Han back to normal, as if Lu Han never broke in the first place.

Lu Han blinked. Sehun smiled, his smile making its way to Lu Han’s heart, trying to fight the sadness on it. He cupped Lu Han’s face and closed the distance between them. Sehun’s lips are soft, Lu Han thought. He wanted to keep this moment and lock it to the most hidden place so that no one could ever interfere. Lu Han wants to treasure this moment and he wished he should’ve confessed sooner. For Lu Han, Sehun is his panacea when the feeling of moroseness spreads through his entire body.

Happy moments don’t last forever, though. Lu Han went to China with his family, but he promised to keep in touch with Sehun. He never ended their relationship. Lu Han said that distance is nothing. Sehun believed in it, because it’s Lu Han. It’s Lu Han who said that to him… he’s the one who promised, and Lu Han never breaks his promise, not even once.

***

Sehun is eighteen when he had the thought of giving up.

No words, no letters from Lu Han. It’s been two years and there’s no single word from him. Sehun hopes that one day he will be awoke again by a familiar sound of a truck parking on the house in front of theirs. He believed Lu Han, because he’s Lu Han, he never breaks his promise. At least that’s what Sehun tries to tell himself every time he misses Lu Han. The problem is: He misses Lu Han every single time.

Sehun became the personification of winter after Lu Han left. His eyes that turns into crescents when he smiles, are now replaced by empty dark holes and darkness of solitude, his outgoing personality, by his cold demeanor, his melodious laugh, by crescendos of crying wind. He forgot to breathe. His friends are still there for him and ask if he’s okay. Sehun wears his thick façade and tells them that everything’s all right, everything’s in the right place, except it isn’t.

 

 

 

A/N: *pukes: too much fluff* gaah, sorry for the lameness, anyway idek. Ashdkahdjksahdasjhdasjh, the idea just came in my mind… feedbacks are greatly appreciated J keep it cool, though.