In the middle of heavy promotions and late night practices, Kris fell in love. It was rather unexpected. All his time being a trainee he never looked at the younger the way he’s seeing him now. Barriers aside, Kris rarely spend time conversing with him even before. Although awkward would be a perfect name to their relationship at that time, Kris never thought that the younger would be the subject of his affection. If he were to look at the whole group from the outside, he believes the person should be Tao.

Not Kim Jongin but Huang Zitao.

Tao, who had been the one he looks for and asks for help with dance. It was the younger he goes bicycling with in the middle of the night, goes shopping if they have time. He never did any of those with Jongin. Kris didn’t think he will, until their first full album came and everything changed.

Jongin basically pirouetted his way into Kris’ life. No warnings, just waking up with the sudden realization that Kris couldn’t keep his eyes elsewhere rather than watch the sweat trickle from Jongin’s sideburns to his jaw. Or keep his mind occupied with other things aside from Jongin’s laughter and smile. There was no start, but the ending was already finalized.

Because even before he can approach the younger, Kris already saw the gaping distance between them two.

Jongin is always moving, towards him. Yet, not settling next to him. Luhan will always be ahead of Kris, in dance, in singing, and in Jongin’s heart. Always. But it’s not right, because it should be Kyungsoo and not Luhan. Jongin should be looking at Kyungsoo the way he’s looking at Luhan, and Kris knows he should look at Tao the way he’s looking at Jongin.

He did.

He tried.

But he ran away the moment he realized that Tao’s been looking at him the same way, all this time. The harmony and balance within the group has been shaken up and he kept on standing behind Luhan, just in case. Because lately, Jongin’s been sending him smiles. The sad ones, the same one he gave to a certain Huang Zitao before he turn back around and never came back.

Perhaps it was karma, the pain and longing looming inside him whenever Jongin was near. Tao had been good to him; Kris knows he deserves the consequence. But he also knew that Jongin doesn’t deserve Luhan, or the pain in his eyes. And Luhan doesn’t deserve the effort Jongin’s putting in his everything.

Don’t force yourself, Jongin. He wants to say when Jongin pushed the play button again during their break. But Kris doesn’t say anything, instead he just watched him dance. Marvel at the sleek movements made by the younger; indulges himself at the beauty Jongin possesses whenever he dances his heart. Luhan doesn’t deserve this Jongin, but Kris couldn’t prevent Jongin from wanting what he wants.

And Kris couldn’t stop pretending that Jongin was showing off for him rather than for the one beside him, who doesn’t even spare him a glance.

Sehun was the one who stops the tan, and what came after was a sight Kris has been becoming familiar with. When the dancer turns back around, expectation written in his face, Kris was proudly smiling at him but Jongin didn’t see. Kris understands, because next to him, Luhan was talking with Minseok.

Don’t force yourself, Jongin. He tries to communicate with his eyes the first time he sat beside Jongin. The younger was too focused watching a re-run of some drama Kris doesn’t know of but Jongin seems to, to notice the presence next to him. Kris watched him, rather. The different expression, no matter how small they were, speaks a lot for himself. Jongin is too attached.

Too attached to Luhan that he’d even went as far as forcing himself to do things he’s never done before, watch dramas when he doesn’t even like them in the first place.

Kris wishes that Luhan knew of this, maybe then he’d spare Jongin a glance. However, at the same time, Kris prays that he doesn’t, for if it were the case, maybe then Jongin would be tired and will look pass Luhan.

But it seems like Jongin never gets tired and Kris could only watch him as he move to places, climbing mountains after mountains of distance between the close gap of him and Luhan in every group shot.

Don’t force him, Yifan. He reprimands himself, slowly getting tired of seeing the same old scene every waking day. Jongin had sat upon next to Luhan in the living room, silently watching with everyone. Kris saw everything from where he is, how Luhan had stood up after minutes of Jongin sitting next to him, how the younger fought with himself but choose to sit down and look far away from the movie being played. Kris has half the mind to yank Jongin and lock him in a room. Tell him everything and knock some sense inside that thick skull of him.

But Jongin surprises him when Kris couldn’t hold everything inside anymore.

You like me, I like him, and he likes Minseok hyung. Jongin makes a perfect sense. So perfect it left Kris questioning why does it have to be Jongin. Why can’t anyone make him feel helpless aside from the tan, why Tao didn’t stop him from turning around, why Jongin kept on giving despite not having anything back, why Kris?

Why Luhan, why not Kris?

So many other questions that Jongin managed to answer with just a sad smile, turning back around the same way Kris did to Huang Zitao.

Don’t force him, Yifan. After experiencing what he caused Tao, Kris kept on reminding himself. He stayed away, made himself busy with other things. Slowly, Kris went back on his track, stood his ground and stood beside Joonmyun. Be the good leader he once was to s. But Jongin still has the same effect on him.

One, two, three, four months, even after almost half a year of mending himself back, it wasn’t that easy. Kris still falls down for Jongin, still looks for him whenever he’s not near, still follows Jongin in his dreams. But now, Jongin falters whenever Kris holds his gaze.

And it hurts more than the reality Jongin slapped in his face.

Don’t force him, Yifan. He kept on telling himself but he also kept on trying winning the old Jongin back. The one that doesn’t mind his presence next to him, the one who sends him sad smiles when Luhan walks away from him, Kris wanted them back no matter how hard it was to be himself. He tries, starts by holding Jongin down in his sit at mornings as he takes the chair next to him. He stays late at the dance studio, demanding their manager and choreographer to let Jongin teach him the hard points.

Kris knows it will work. Jongin will forget about Luhan even for just a moment and Kris will have Jongin in that time. But the younger surprises him yet again when he stops fighting back and smiles at Kris like never before.

Don’t push it hyung. I hate seeing how desperate I am, in you. Don’t be like me. It was the first time Jongin had actually smiled at him, genuinely. And it was so beautiful it hurts to let the beauty turn back around for the second time around.

Don’t force him, Yifan. But Jongin’s already too late. Kris had invested too much to just sit around the corner and watch the younger get hurt again and again. When Jongin loses his balance and falls bad during their practice, Kris gets to his side right away. He asks him but Jongin just stares at him, allows Sehun to drag his body out of that room.

Everyone saw Jongin turning back around briefly, but what Kris saw, was Jongin searching for Luhan for some comfort.

Kris searches for him too when the door closes, see him talking with Minseok at the back. It must’ve hurt Jongin, seeing this. But it was more painful for Kris to see this. See how Luhan easily disposes of Jongin, like the younger couldn’t feel anything. As if Jongin didn’t just injure himself to be able to present Luhan a perfect dance. For Luhan and not for Kris, nor for himself. Jongin always does things for Luhan. Sacrifices so much for Luhan, but Luhan doesn’t even have the heart to spare him even a glance in that moment while Kris gets stared at but never with longing in them.

He sees anger flashing before his eyes and before he knows it, Kris got Luhan pushed up against the mirrors.

Don’t push it hyung. I hate seeing how desperate I am, in you. Don’t be like me. Jongin whispers in his ear and it was unfair. Kris has never wanted to be Luhan so much but for one day, just one day he hopes he wakes up in the other’s body. Feel how it was like to be the subject of Kim Jongin’s attention, the one being chased and not be the one chasing. To have Jongin a constant in his side, see his face whenever he turns on whatever side of the earth. Just one day.

The hand holding Luhan’s collar trembles, everyone’s watching, he tries to breathe, closes his eyes, inhale, and exhale.

One, two, three.

Don’t push it hyung. I hate seeing how desperate I am, in you. Don’t be like me.

When he opens his eyes, Luhan’s looking at him quizzically. He wants to laugh, because Kris doesn’t know how more messed up it can turn. How long Jongin will do this to himself, how Kris can wake up in Luhan’s body.

He raises his fist. At the mirror’s reflection, Tao’s looking at him, bewildered, and it was enough for Kris to put down his fist and uncurl the ones in Luhan’s collar. He walks out of the room and smiles at no one in particular. Jongin’s in pain but Kris cannot do anything about it, Jongin wouldn’t let him. Cannot bring himself to inflict any physical pain against Luhan, to at least have Luhan a taste of his own venom, for Kris knew how much the other meant to Jongin.

And Kris still wishes he can wake up in Luhan’s body. Because maybe, just maybe, after a day with Jongin, Kris can finally let go.