Dear Jessica,

I remember when I first saw you. You were sickly and dirty and smelly. I remember you lying on the side of the road, half dead. You had wounds all over your body. You’re clothes wreak havoc with red stains. I didn’t want to go near you then but my conscience wouldn’t allow me to leave a dying person.

I remember taking you to the hospital. After a week, I took care of you, helped you clean up, dress you up in my own clothes.

I didn’t like you very much. You never talked. You never even thanked me for what I did. What kind of person doesn’t thank someone who saved her life? Were you mute? Or were you just rude and stupid?

Even though I wanted to get rid of you, I can’t, because you didn’t have any place to stay. I had no choice but to take care of you. Remember when I always tell you to stay off the pool? But somehow, everytime you do otherwise, you would slip and fall. Which wouldn’t have been so bad except...you couldn’t swim. And how come you would always find yourself at the deepest part of the pool?

I remember saving your for the nth time. I wonder now if you would have a better chance of survival on the streets instead of staying in my house. Everytime I leave you at home alone, you would find your way to the kitchen and somehow mess with the stove. Remember how you almost burned your whole hand one time? If only I hadn’t come home on time, you would have lost a whole arm. And remember the time when I found you unconscious when I went home from the party? Turns out you were trying to fork out the electric socket, trying to see how it works.

You have always been so annoying and troublesome. I decided to take you to an orphanage. Even though you’re a bit old for the children. I don’t know, maybe 18? 20? You never told me your age. All you said to me about yourself was your name. Jessica. You have a pretty name, I have to admit. Kind of my fault too because I never bothered to ask anything. I’ve been too busy trying to find a way to get rid of you without ripping my conscience apart.

When I left you with the sisters in the orphanage, I had this weird feeling. Like part of my life had been taken away from me. I mean, everyday, I used to see you. Even though I didn’t want to, I had no choice but to take care of you. But after that day, I…well, I kinda missed you. Everytime I go home, I expect a disaster inside the house. I expect either a broken glass or a new rip on my favourite curtain. Except…there was none. I remember you weren’t there anymore. You…were now at the orphanage. Everything in the house was eerie and quiet. Just plain boring.

I came to visit a few times. I would find my smile when my eyes meet your face, but visiting you wasn’t a priority. I mean, I got busy. I grew up and stuff. I had a job. It’s not like you were gonna disappear or go anywhere. I’d come back some other time. It’s not like you would miss me. After all, you got your own friends in the orphanage. And it’s not like I didn’t know how you were. The sisters promised to keep you safe. So I go through my day with that thought.

They told me how you would stare blankly out of the window all day. They told me how you would sleep really late at night. They told me how you finally became talkative. Funny, back at home you wouldn’t say as much as a sentence to me. I feel happy for you. They told me how you would rarely eat. Back at home, you were always hungry. I even assigned half of the fridge for you. Of course you didn’t follow that rule. You would always go for my chocolates and I would always get pissed at you. They told me how sad you always are. What’s happening? Don’t you like your life at the orphanage?

And they told me…You passed away last week.

I remember the first day you were in my house.  You looked like a total idiot looking at every direction like it was a mansion. I found your behaviour amusing. I treated you like a kid, although we were about the same age. I remember when you broke my favourite mug and spilled coffee all over the floor. Since when did you learn how to make coffee? Then I realized that all this time, you were only trying to make an effort of trying to thank me. A simple thank you would have been fine though.

I remember you would meet me at the bus stop after school. And we would always take the longest route home. We didn’t talk much but we enjoyed each other’s presence. We would always be late for dinner. And during then, you would empty out all the plates on the table and leave out a slice of bread for me.

And I remember I talked to you about all the problems a nine year old can possibly have. Like that one time during PE, when I tripped and fell and my face went directly into the mud. Everyone laughed at me. You were the only one that didn’t. I only had you. And even though I’m a colossal loser, you listened to me. I didn’t even know if you understand my stories. You would nod from time to time but you always seemed entertained by my stories.

Despite my insecurities, my stupid ing decisions, you never judged me even once. So I told you it all. How my friends and I once promised each other that we will never drink, smoke or ever do drugs. How I was picked last everytime in PE. How I at dancing so much my teacher let me sit the whole class while I watch everybody do the daily routines. How the school bully would always manage to bump into me after school. Sometimes I would go home with a purple mark under my eye.

You stayed with me for a month. But I feel like that month has had more meaning to me that the rest of the 18 years of my stupid life.

Why did you have to leave? I have so much to tell you.

I never told you how I finally got to my senses and decided to sing and not dance. Guess what? I got first place in my first contest. I have to tell you how my knees almost gave up on me when I was on stage. I need to tell you how I thought of you, of how strong you were back then. When I was on stage, you were my inspiration. I mean, where else would I get that from? My whole life, you were the only one I could truly depend on. You were that beautiful, mysterious girl that never left my side. I need to tell you how happy I got when they announced my name for first place, how I shouted your name when they did. I wanted to tell you that I did it. I finally, for once, didn’t feel like I’m such a loser. I wanted to thank you. I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me.

I realized something Jessica. Everytime, I would visit you in the orphanage, your eyes would glare at me. “Where the have you been?” you seem to send me a message through your stare. But after a minute, you’d no longer care. As if you were sulking as to why I never visit anymore.

But in spite of my absence, your heart remained true. You never forgot me. But I forgot about you.

Why do I always do everything wrong? Why did I become such a horrible friend? And why did I only miss you, when I learned I’d never see you again?

-Taeyeon