I've known the Kim-Jong brothers since I was five. Back then, the two were nothing but early morning cartoons and LEGO fortresses. According to my mother, I had befriended them instantly as soon as I met them. I especially got along well with the older one, Kim Jongdae, who is five years my senior. She said he was fascinated with me, how my hands and feet were so small, my high pitched giggles, my fragile build. He was very protective and enthusiastic about going down to my five year old level to play with me. 

The younger one, Kim Jongin, who is the same age as I am, was a little more distant. We didn't hate each other, we were just competitive. Five minutes into meeting each other, we were seeing who could sing more nursery rhymes than the other. And a little while later during mealtime, we were competing in who could eat more. My mother said I won every time. Though I'm not sure that should be something a girl should be proud of.

Jongdae and I had surprisingly a lot of things in common. We hated the same food and perspiring; we loved fictions and Peter Pan was our all time favourite movie. But those were also what made us extremely different. Because whenever our families went out for dinner together and the food contained his hated broccoli, Jongdae would still eat them, whereas I'd put it aside on my plate. When I came over while Jongdae was still receiving extra lessons from a tutor and was tasked to read a non-fiction book, he would spend the rest of the day reading it while I waited for him to come play with me. 

But even then, I spent more time with Jongdae than I did with Jongin, because the former was always the one more willing to accompany me on slides and push me on the swings. Jongin would join us sometimes, but would leave not long later because he felt excluded. I didn't notice this until I turned eight. 

The Kims were very close to my family, Jongin and I went to the same nursery, and at some point, all three of us were in the same elementary school. That only lasted for a year though, because Jongdae went on to middle school as soon as Jongin and I made it to second grade. 

When I got a little bit older, say about eight years old, Jongdae and I stopped going to the playground and instead just took evening walks around our neighbourhood. Jongdae would tell me about his day at school, what he learned, what type of sports he played during gym class, or just simply what the school served for lunch that day. He would wrinkle his nose and pull the corners of lips down whenever he mentioned there was broccoli or carrots included in the lunch. The most adorable thing was, his frown was lopsided. If you just saw it once, you wouldn't notice it. But I spent enough evenings with him to tell the difference; his left corner was always lower than the right. 

Whenever we made our rounds—turn right from my front gate, walk down straight for five minutes, turn left when you see a convenience, the old stationary store, the supermarket and the fourth left turn at Jongdae's house—I never wanted to go home. He would say that dinner was waiting, then I'd reply I wasn't hungry. We'd sit by the curb of his house in silence until the sun set, then he would ask if I was hungry and if I wanted to go home now. It was only then that I said yes. Sometimes I refused to leave, but Jongdae never got mad at me, he'd just continue keeping me company, and there were a few occasions when he sang for me.

I asked him where that song came from, he said it came from us; our friendship. He called it Our Song. There were times where no matter how hungry I was, I'd keep insisting I wasn't just so I could sit a while longer with him and hear him sing. 

Those moments with him weren't very special, but to me they were intimate. I could listen to him talk all day and not get sick of it. Even if he told the silliest jokes I would still laugh because I wanted to hear him laugh too. 

As we grew up, the reverse started happening. Jongdae was getting more mature and was more involved with friends his own age such that he rarely had time or patience for me. And because Jongin and I were practically glued by the hips throughout the six years of elementary school (we were in the same class for six years straight), we got closer. 

I've attended every single one of Jongdae's birthdays ever since I got to know him. His sixteenth was the most memorable. I was eleven then, on my second last year of elementary school. There were a lot of fellow sixteen year olds at his party; Jongin whispered to me over a glass of sparkling juice that those were his classmates. I figured as much, but I wondered if his class comprised of three quarter girls. They were all very pretty and feminine; I liked their dresses and wished I were old enough to wear them. I looked down at my own outfit and felt childish amongst them. Out of all the girls, there was one very pretty one. She greeted Jongin along with a few other friends while I was beside him, introducing herself as Hyejoo. I had thought that even her name was pretty. I particularly remembered her face because she was the girl Jongdae spent most of the night talking to. I wasn't upset about that; I was upset because he hadn't come to acknowledge me yet. He could talk to her all he wanted, I just wished for him to look at me, to smile at me like the old days. 

I began losing track of Jongdae's life. From seeing him almost everyday since I was five, I began only seeing him once every few months during company functions either one of our families held every now and then. I didn't like that change, and I couldn't get used to it. I felt angry and betrayed that Jongdae left me behind like that. Jongin wasn't that bothered, because he still saw his brother at home once school was over at one o' clock. 

I wondered if Jongdae remembered our evening walks and the time we spent laying next to each other on the carpet reading books for the entire day. If he did remember then I wondered if those times meant anything to him. If it did mean something to him then I wondered why he seemed to be forgetting me and everything we shared. 

When I turned fourteen, I stopped seeing Jongdae completely. He didn't turn up when it was Jongin's birthday, nor was he there when his own company held its annual year-end function. When I asked my mother, she said he'd gone abroad since the beginning of the year. The first thing that came to my mind was that he didn't even bother saying goodbye. 

So to organize things, ever since I turned ten, Jongdae became more and more like one of those cartoons I used to watch as a child—fragmented. I could only remember bits and pieces of us, but I held onto those tightly. I became more eager to grow up, so I could understand and be included in the world Jongdae had moved on to. 

Somewhere during the time of my adolescence, Jongin became different. I was so focused on catching up with Jongdae and growing up quickly that I didn't notice Jongin was growing up too. When we were in elementary school, I was taller than him. If anyone crossed us, I was the one who spoke up and did something about it. But in middle school, Jongin was suddenly a whole head taller than me. He got tanner from playing baseball, and the baby fats became toned muscles. His face changed a lot too, his jaw got sharper, eyes deeper and lips fuller. Jongin became a very beautiful being, not beautiful in a feminine sense, but more like the prized statues from the Ancient Greek era kind of beautiful. 

Apart from appearance, Jongin also changed character-wise. There wasn't a change when it came to us, but on his own, Jongin definitely seemed different. Perhaps it was the new friend he had made, named Sehun, who influenced him. Jongin's grades which had always been average started going down, he went out on days he wasn't hanging out with me, he came to school hours late smelling like a cigarette lit at 3AM in an empty Monday morning alley. When I called him out on it, he apologized saying he had left me out. I had furrowed my brows when he said it, but didn't have time to brood over it when he formally introduced me to that friend of his, Sehun. 

I didn't know what exactly happened from then on, but Sehun and I got along well. Although we were same age and had the same family background (filthy rich), Sehun felt like he was on a whole other level. He felt like a big brother—experienced and mature. His opinions and views on the same things were very different from Jongin’s and mine. I really admired him. Sehun seemed so brave. 

Soon we began hanging out so regularly that the entire school called us the golden trio. I felt good about myself. I felt like exactly like what a fifteen year old would define as "cool". But even then, Sehun was still different from us, and I was determined to change that. 

Before Sehun came into the picture, what Jongin and I would consider fun was going to the arcade and blowing our money there. What Jongin and I would consider rebellious was not turning in homework on time, or skipping one or two classes. But with Sehun, it was a whole other ball game. We started skipping school altogether, arcades were still part of our plans, but one day Sehun took us somewhere he said we'd have more fun at. 

I didn't see what was so fun about hanging around in a dirty alley where the back doors of clubs, bars and pubs led to, but Sehun assured us it'd be fine. On our first visit, I remember waiting close to an hour without knowing what or whom exactly I was waiting for. Just as I was about to tell Jongin we should leave, an older looking man stepped out from one of the back doors. He looked scary and just gave a negative feeling overall, but Sehun was totally at ease. 

He greeted the man coolly, while the elder eyed Jongin and I up and down and cracked an amused smirk. The man handed Sehun a black plastic bag. From the thin material, I could make out the edges of multiple small boxes. In exchange, Sehun gave the man a couple of 10, 000 won bills. After counting, the man went back in through the door he came out from, and Sehun led us deeper into the alley. I didn't have a good feeling, neither did Jongin but it was obvious he was trying to be cool with it. 

As I had expected, Sehun pulled out a box of cigarettes as well as a lighter. "Try it," he said, handing Jongin and I a stick to share while he smoked one all on his own. I shared a glance with Jongin, until he reached out unsurely and took the cigarette. I wanted to knock that thing out of his hand, but I was afraid Sehun might scoff at us for being cowards, and then break off contact with us. I hated that outcome more than the consequences of underage smoking, so I let Jongin bring the cigarette between his lips. He inhaled a little bit, then proceeded to cough until his face turned a light shade of pink. 

Sehun just chuckled and patted his back like it was normal. But I was getting annoyed because Jongin was hurting. I wanted to tell Sehun we were leaving, until he snatched the cigarette out of Jongin's fingers and pointed it at me. 

"Now you try."

Jongin recovered from his fit and leaned back against the cement wall, smiling. He said if felt good, and that he liked the burn. Sehun looked proud. Feeling curious myself, I gave it a try. I ended up like Jongin, and despite my discomfort, I did in fact enjoy the burn. While Jongin and I finished the stick we shared, Sehun stubbed out his first and started on his second. He was ahead of us, and I felt irritated. Sehun to me was my pass to the adult world. 

With him, I would finally be able to stand beside Jongdae as an equal. 

When we received our results for our year-end exam in final year of middle school, Sehun had flunked horribly while Jongin and I very barely made it to high school. The both of us—Jongin and I—were expecting him to repeat the last year of middle school. So when Sehun sauntered up to us during our first day as high schoolers, we were beyond surprised. He said his father paid his way through, but not without a huge scolding and a beating. I was a bit worried about the beating part, because over the years I've noticed a couple of faint bruises on his face. 

I hadn't realised back then, but now that I look back and think about it, I was what you'd call a delinquent. I barely attended school in my first year, just enough to keep me from getting expelled. My parents didn't really bother, because they were too busy with work. Honestly, I didn't care either, it worked out perfectly for me that way, and I wasn't really dying for their attention. 

Over time, our little clique expanded. From just the three of us, we became six, a nice number of three girls and three guys. The two girls' were Jung Yura and Han Hyesung, whereas the third boy was a fella from China named Huang Zitao. For the first time in our lives, Jongin and I weren't classmates when we came into high school. Instead, Sehun was the only one in my class out of our group. I didn't mind much, I felt an attraction towards him, and to top it all, we were seat partners. 

I met Sehun when I was fourteen. By my first year of high school, I would've known him for three years. In the beginning, I didn't think much of him apart from a friend, but as I grew older and so did my hormones, my heart would do a little flip whenever I was near him. 

I'd say Sehun was a crush, because it was nothing like what I felt when it came to Jongdae. I couldn't put what I felt with the latter to words, so I just let those feelings be. But with Sehun, I could describe it. It was hot, fiery, underlying lust and curiosity all in one. I honestly couldn't help it, which normal girl could resist Sehun? He was tall, pale, handsome, charismatic, and a bad boy. Bad boys were in style back then. 

Because we were classmates, we naturally had to spend a lot of time together, be it during school trips, class bonding or group work. Eventually a day came when Sehun made his first advancement on me in three years. 

Sehun had come to school drunk that day. I didn’t know how he managed to do it, but he did. His drunkenness wasn't that obvious, but when he talked, he slurred, and his gaze seemed far off. But that was when I saw through him. He couldn’t fool me; I’d spent more nights seeing him drunk than I have actually getting proper sleep. I was determined to remain nonchalant about it, wanting to see where he’d take his act. When he still didn’t give up, I got slightly annoyed, because we agreed to work on a project that day. We had to do it because it took up fifty percent of our grade for that semester, and failing it meant repeating first year. Nobody repeats first year.

When I reminded him of our agreement he said he could do it, but it wasn't like Sehun was any more of a help even if he was “sober”. He'd just lie around and watch me do the work like all the other projects we've done. We walked to the library together after school. Sehun was still keeping his act up. 

I sat down and stared blankly at the textbook; Sehun dozed off into a nap. I really had no idea what to do, so looked around and waved over an intelligent looking student. I didn't know why he appeared so afraid because I wasn't being particularly intimidating when I asked him if he had time to help me with my work. Honestly, I just wanted some help, but he sat down and literally did everything for me. 

"You're good at this."

The tiny boy just smiled bashfully. He was pretty cute, although a little too short for my liking. I felt a bit bad letting him do everything, but more importantly I knew the teacher would be able to tell immediately that I didn't do the project myself, which spelled even greater disaster than not even doing the project at all. So I tried to do things myself whenever I could, phrase the information in a way such that it would sound like it came from someone of my intelligence. 

I found out his name to be Kyungsoo, for that short moment, I sincerely enjoyed talking to him. It'd been a while since I held an innocent conversation. At some point, Sehun woke up from his nap, because I heard him grunt. With his head still on the desk, he peered at me through heavy lidded eyes looking mildly amused. I literally could feel Kyungsoo tensing up at the sight of the resident troublemaker.

"You look like you're flirting with a twelve year old," Sehun said sleepily. He straightened up and took a sip from the bottle of apple I purchased for Kyungsoo as a thank you gift. 

"I wouldn't have to flirt if either of us were smart enough to-"

I didn't see it coming. One second he was moving towards me, and the next I could feel his lips on mine. They were prickly, because Sehun’s lips chapped easily. But my heart did that jump again and a tingle in my body sped southwards. Behind him, I saw Kyungsoo scurrying away from us with his backpack still ped. It was the first time Sehun ever kissed me—no, it was the first time I'd ever been kissed at all. 

At first I was angry, because I intended on saving that for Jongdae, but when I thought about it, I didn't actually mind. I wanted to see how jealous Jongdae would get if he found out he wasn’t my first kiss.

I was getting breathless, so I pushed Sehun away and straightened myself before we got caught. His eyes were blazing with lust, and I was truthfully a little afraid of him. I always had been, I didn't know why. He looked away and visibly composed himself.

"Your collar's half up half down, idiot," I commented, reaching over to smooth the material.

Sehun grinned. "Can't help it, I'm drunk."

I rolled my eyes and tried to remember where Kyungsoo had left off with our work. 

"You knew?" He asked, leaning in. "That I wasn't actually drunk?"

"Oh please, I've seen you drunk more than your own parents, I can tell when you are and when you're not. Although, you did have me fooled for a while."

"Then how'd you realise?"

"You don't take naps when you're drunk, Sehun, you smoke like you want to die, and you don't stop talking." I twirl my pen, pausing to contemplate if I should proceed with my question. “So why'd you do that?"

“Because I’m a coward,” he answered in a quiet voice.

"You could kiss me even if you aren't drunk. Does this mean you’re too much of a loser to kiss me without having the excuse of being intoxicated to fall back on afterwards?"

"I can always kiss you again."

I looked him in the eye. "I dare you."

Sehun remained still for a good few seconds. And then he leaned in, taking my face in his hands. This time was different, like he was a whole other person. And he might as well have been.

Sehun pulled away first, but only distancing himself enough so he can speak against my lips. "I want to tell you something."

"We have a project to do.” I jabbed his forehead with my finger to push him away. "Now that you're done assuring yourself you still have your testosterone-induced ego intact, let me go seduce some other innocent first year into doing the project for us."

I started to get up, but he pulled me back into my seat. I didn't like being handled that way, and throughout our friendship I'd made that very clear to Sehun as well as the guys in our clique. Seeing as how he wasn't saying anything, I picked up a marker and wrote our names at the top left corner of the paper. It was the only thing I could do at that point in time, with regards to both the situation and the project. 

"Ari."

I kept myself focused on the of my name. 

“Song Ari.”

The way Sehun called me made me shudder in fear. He didn't raise his voice or say it between gritted teeth; his voice was steady and deep, deep enough to plant seeds of anxiety between my ribs. 

I put down the marker and looked at him. 

Sehun spoke slowly. "Honestly, I… have no idea what I’m doing. All I know is that now that I've kissed you, I don't think I can stop."

It was weird how quickly Sehun had changed in his behavior towards me. As if the kiss had triggered something in him, like a lever had been pulled and something was unleashed. It would be a lie to say I felt nothing about his consequent advances, but those feelings weren't down to earth. It wasn't what I was looking for. 

I assumed Sehun was just going through a phase, or he was just lusting over me. But when he continued for the next three months, even seriously courting me with flowers and all, I knew he wasn't joking around. 

His actions got so intimate that the whole school thought we were dating. The girls were the first to ask me about it, and I had flat-out denied. Zitao was as disinterested as always, but he seemed amused over Sehun's behavior. Jongin, on the other hand, seemed to be suppressing anger. I'd always known he had a little crush on me. It was so obvious how he kept sticking to me when he could easily make friends with people who were much more desirable than I was. I thought the crush would've faded by now, but the thing with Sehun only served to prove me wrong. I began feeling sorry. To both Sehun and Jongin, because I had long chosen someone else. 

Jongin only seemed to get even angrier when he found out Sehun and I were dating. I couldn't do anything because he didn't want to talk about it, and he even acted like he wasn't. But I'd known him since we were five; I know when he's upset and when he's not. Jongin was beyond upset at that point in time. Jongin was broken. I couldn't tell him I was sorry because then I'd be lying, and he would just stubbornly ask me "what for?" So I just let him be, although I never stopped worrying when exactly he would end his crush on me. I hoped it was before it got too late. 

I didn't love Sehun, but I liked him. I liked him enough to make it clear to him that we were just trying things out, and nothing was serious or definite. He understood, or rather, he didn't really care. He was just glad I had accepted him, that he now had something to boast about and further inflate his ego. Sehun was nice to me, he always was even when we were just friends, although he gave me bad chills sometimes. But now that we had titles, he seemed to make it a point to show that I was his, and that he was mine, which only infuriated Jongin even more. 

One month into our relationship, Sehun bought us rings. It was inexpensive, he said, got them off a roadside stall and had our names engraved while I was looking at clothes with Hyesung. I didn't see why I shouldn't put it on, so I did. 

At our third month mark, I was surprised Sehun still hadn't tried to have with me. We'd always make it to a point whereby we knew what the most obvious next step was, but then he'd stop and just hold me in his arms, even though I knew how painful it was for him to hold back. I wasn't eager for us to do it, neither did I express my reluctance, so whatever was holding him back, the problem lied with him. One thing I noticed, though, was that he always kept his shirt on. Whenever I tried to take it off he'd stop me, and over time I just left it at that. 

Winter holidays commenced and school ceased, but that didn't mean I saw the people in our clique any less often. 

We were at our usual club one Saturday night, all six of us. Still underage, we had to pay a little extra for Sehun's 'acquaintance' to let us in and guarantee a safe way out for us should there be a police check. I remember Sehun and Zitao were smoking by the side, Hyesung and Yura were on the dance floor, while Jongin stayed by my side while I drank. As usual. 

I didn't realise I was drinking more than I usually did, but it was enough for Jongin to stop me, and he never did. I knew I was drunk, I was aware of what I was doing, I just didn't take the consequences of my actions into consideration. I wasn't one to keep still while drinking, I always had to hold something in my hands, have something or someone to look at, and much like Sehun, I was more talkative. 

Jongin entertained my nonsense, though I could tell he was annoyed. 

"Sehun should be the one keeping you at bay," he said bitterly. 

"Why? You finally starting to get sick of me after, what, twelve years?" I asked, then raised my voice loud enough to slightly overpower the booming music and turn a few heads, "well too late!"

"I never said anything," Jongin muttered wearily. 

"If you wanted to leave you should've left earlier. You missed your chance! You're stuck with me! Not going anywhere, nope, nope, nope. Stuck with me. With me, until the end."

"Okay," Jongin said calmly. "Until the end."

I quieted down after that. I knew he was aware just how insecure I've gotten after being left behind by his brother. I never talked to him about it. In fact, I never talk to Jongin about my feelings. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I just never felt compelled to. But somehow, Jongin just knew. 

Sehun slid himself onto the empty bar stool to my left, while Zitao took the one beside him. Zitao offered him a shot, but he declined. "Who's going to keep that stupid girl from walking into oncoming traffic if I drink too."

"Jongin?" Zitao stated. 

"Jongin isn't her boyfriend." Sehun grabbed my elbow and gently tugged me towards him. 

"Whatever, you two can go kill yourselves together."

Sehun chuckled at the comment and I slumped against his shoulder, forehead knocking painfully against the groove of his bone under the almost non-existent fat on his body. He tilted my head up by my chin with his index finger and peered into my eyes. "Who's your boyfriend?"

"You," I answered automatically, kissing the corner of his lips. 

"That's right."

"Argh," Zitao grumbled and left us. 

"You've had enough," Sehun said, pulling away my glass. Jongin brought the alcohol over to his side and guarded it for good measure. 

"No, it's only enough once I stop hearing myself think," I replied, pulling away and resting my cheek flat on the cool marble of the bar top. 

Sehun simply watched me with faint fondness in his eyes. "Do you have bad thoughts?"

"Sometimes. I don't know. I'm so stupid, do I even have thoughts?"

"You're not stupid," Jongin said behind me. Without turning to look, I stretched my arm and waved it around until I managed to locate his shoulder and patted it to thank him for being loyal. But not without smacking the side of his face in the process. Jongin hissed in pain while Sehun laughed, stubbing out his cigarette. The ashtray was empty until then, but who knows how many he's smoked before joining Jongin and I at the bar. 

I sat up as abruptly as I could for someone who was drunk. I'd been feeling queasy for some time, and if I didn't leave the club to retch any time soon, I was going to throw up all over the bar top, and that would get all six of us permanently banned from this place. I wobbled a little when my feet hit the ground. It'd been so many years since I started wearing heels, but I just couldn't get used to them, and I didn't have the heart to tell Sehun to stop buying me a new pair every week. During the two seconds I lost my balance, the boys reached out to steady me. I could sense them share a glance, until Jongin let go and Sehun stood up to usher me out. 

I felt... bad. 

It wasn't the nausea, the feeling that overcame me was different, it was more sickening than that. I didn't know how else to describe it, bad seemed like the most appropriate word for it, but it was still inadequate. If I studied harder maybe I could find the right way to phrase those feelings, but at that moment I just wanted to get the other kind of 'bad' out of my system. 

When we stepped into the alley from the back door, I shivered from the chilly early-November wind that swept through my hair. Sehun rubbed my bare shoulders soothingly. He pulled off the lid of the black trashcan I always throw up in and patted my back while I felt like I was vomiting out my organs. He disappeared for a while and came back with a box of tissues. 

If I were sober I would never for the life of me ever wipe my lips with the back of my hand. Sehun clucked his tongue and slapped my hand away, then properly cleaned me up with tissues. 

"Stupid girl. Don't use your hands, it's dirty."

"I am dirty. Inside out."

"Don't say things like that," he said quietly. 

"What else do I have to say about myself?"

"Don't say anything at all. Don't say things you don't mean."

"But I mean it. I am a disgusting person."

"You're drunk, Ari. Just shut up and stop spouting nonsense."

"Didn't you know?" I hiccupped. "The words of a drunken man are the words of a sober heart."

"And what is your sober heart saying right now?" Sehun asked, pulling me flush against his body. It felt good, his warmth felt good. There was never once I touched his skin and it felt cold. 

Of all things, I couldn't remember what my answer to that question was. I could remember the stupidest things I've said while I was drunk but not that. After that night, something was off about us. About Sehun and I. Nothing changed in how he treated me. Everything was the same yet different. I couldn't explain it. Then again, when was I ever able to explain things the way I thought of it in my head?

Something wasn't right, and I knew it just had to do with my answer to his question. And maybe it was best that I remained ignorant about it.

The year came and went; soon, I was a second year. I didn't have the guts to ask him about it until school reopened. He just rolled his eye and knocked my forehead (a habit of his when it came to me), saying I didn't even reply him and just threw up again, almost getting my 'gunk' all over him. To most people he'd sound rude or like a jackass boyfriend. But to me, that was just Sehun. Blunt as ever. I socked his stomach when he said that, and ignored him for the rest of the day. 

He regretted immediately, trailing behind me every time we moved to a different class, mumbling 'okay, okay, I'm sorry please stop ignoring me'. On our way to Literature, we passed by Yura who just shook her head at Sehun. She gave me a jokingly sympathetic look. When we got closer to where she was standing, I saw her stick out her foot the moment I passed by. Obviously it was meant for Sehun, but that boy was still unaware. Expectedly, he tripped, knocked me over, and ended up knocking us both to the ground. 

Yura laughed hard before she apologized and came to help us up, together with Zitao who had chanced upon the disastrous scene and appeared thoroughly embarrassed to be associated with us. If I was mad at Sehun before I didn't know how to describe what I felt after he practically shoved me to the ground and crushed me under his weight.

", , , I'm so ing sorry," he said, poking at the bruise that was already beginning to darken on my knee. 

"If this doesn't warrant a break up then I don't know what else does," I replied, walking away from him. I barely took a few steps before he overtook me and blocked my path with his tall build. 

"Don't kid about stuff like that," he muttered in a low voice. 

I shoved past him. "Just off."

Sehun was mad for the rest of the week. I wasn't angry anymore, just annoyed at his childishness. We didn't talk or even look at each other, which was difficult because we were deskmates. The rest of of the group grew so uncomfortable with the tension between us that they just avoided Sehun and I altogether until we, as how Zitao had phrased it, 'made the up.'

Eventually I got tired of the cold war and tried talking to him. I started off with slight nudges to his arm during classes. Sehun would click his tongue, then scoot away from me. I resorted to poking his ribs with my pen. The first time he had jolted violently, feeling ticklish. He glared me down and bumped my shoulder sideways, making me almost fall out of my chair. I let out a loud yelp when he did that, disrupting the class. 

"Sorry," I said in the general direction of our Biology teacher. When the heads turned back to face the front I lifted my door and stomped on Sehun's shoes as revenge. His leg jerked upwards in both pain and surprise, banging the underside of the table in the process. Once again the irritated gazes were directed back at us, and the teacher finally sent us both out of class where we kneeled with our arms raised.

"This is all your fault," Sehun muttered bitterly. 

"How is this my fault?!"

"If you didn't start pestering me-"

"Pestering you? Oh, sorry if me trying to patch things up is me pestering you. If that's the case then fine, I'll quit pestering you for good!"

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Oh Sehun, Song Ari," demanded our teacher. "Would you two like to take your lovers' quarrel to the principal's office?"

"Is he going to help us make up?" Sehun asked in a mock innocent voice. The elder woman seemed to turn red from the fury. She was so angry she couldn't even speak and just resorted to making wild agitated gestures that Sehun and I both easily understood to be detention. 

"Thanks a lot, dickface." I grumbled. 

"Dickface? What, are you in middle school?"

I huffed and gave him the iciest glower I could muster. I could already hear the laughter Sehun was trying to suppress, but he managed to keep it down in the end. 

"So," he began, "are you going to come kiss me or what?"

"Why should I kiss you? You were the one that shoved me to the ground!"

"Hey, I fell too, okay," he retorted. The stubborn glint in his eyes then took a sharp turn towards concern. "Does it still hurt though?"

"I won't die," I replied. "You?"

"Nah, I fell on you, so I didn't really get hurt."

I wanted to strangle him. 

"Okay fine, I'll kiss you then." Sehun rolled his eyes playfully. "Come here."

I didn't really move, Sehun was the one who leaned in and placed a light kiss on the corner of my lips. It was our thing, the corners, I didn't know which one of us started it, but I liked it. 

Apart from that incident Sehun and I never really fought seriously. We just didn't see the reason to. We got along well (for the most part), we practically had no disagreements whatsoever. Even if we did we just let it slide, and the next day we'd be fine again. It sounded unrealistic, but that was us. 

Jongin's birthday was round the corner, and the six of us celebrated together. We didn't do anything particularly special apart from paying for all of Jongin's drinks. Out of all the others I've known him the longest, and before anyone of them even came into the picture, we had a birthday ritual only the both of us knew of. 

When we parted ways in the wee hours of the morning the day after his birthday, I was supposed to go home with Sehun (I did this every time we drank) because even though my parents were disinterested in what I did, letting them see me drunk would be troublesome. If they asked or noticed that I wasn't home when I came back, I would be sober enough to tell them I slept over at Jongin's. He was the safe pass when it came to my parents. 

Sehun questioned the change in our routine quite irritatedly, because he was out of it as well. I just told him as best as I could without slurring that my parents weren't in the country and I could go back. He was reluctant and asked if I could just go with him anyways, but I said I was too lazy. His place was further than mine from where we were. Sehun was upset, but didn't insist any further and just went his own way.  

Staggering, Jongin and I made it to our neighbourhood. We didn't go to our respective houses, and instead went to the playground. At that hour, there were surely no children around. We discovered the playground because of Jongdae, and we played there frequently as three until he grew up and left us. 

When we were twelve, I chanced upon Jongin at the playground by himself. He was crying under the slide and didn't even notice me until I tapped his shoulder. He hadn't come to school that day, and I went looking for him after school, somehow getting the feeling that he was at the playground. I didn't know why he chose that place to cry, because there were neighbourhood kids playing while he was there. Jongin shunned me and told me to "get lost", but I wouldn't leave him on his own. He wasn't angry, just embarrassed. 

I never knew the reason behind his tears, he wouldn't tell me. But whatever it was, I just didn't want to ever see Jongin cry again. It just gave me bad feelings, similar to what I felt at the club when Jongin had let go of me. I wanted to reach out and cup his face, to comfort him and tell him I was sorry. I just didn't know what I was sorry for. 

Ever since then that playground had become our hiding place. Whenever either of us had a bad day, we'd go there to vent, sit on the swing for hours or just cry. Every birthday we would go and sit on the swing, actually, I was the one who sat on the swing. There was only one, Jongin and I would fight over it but I would win and he always ended up sitting at the base of the slide. No matter how old we got, our argument over who deserved the swing always consisted of the same thing. 

"You sat on it last time!"

"Then why can't I sit on it again his time?"

Even while drunk, we argued. But this time, the both of us just settled for sprawling ourselves on the floor. We didn't do anything at the playground, we never did. The both of us just sat, or rather, laid around in silence, enjoying each other's company. 

We stayed until sunrise. I don’t remember ever staying up to watch it, but when I did see it for myself, there was nothing special about it. The sun rose and the sun set, birthdays came and birthdays went, the Earth continued in its orb around the sun. Everything was the same, but when I looked back everything was so different. 

It was the same playground, same swing, same purple slide, yet it felt foreign. Perhaps it was the absence of Jongdae, but I knew it was more than that. Things have changed yet I didn't know what. Jongin was still Jongin, he was just taller and had a deeper voice. I was the same too, just with longer hair and bigger s than when I was twelve. Our friendship was the same, just that we've accumulated more arguments, memories and laughter over the years. 

When I look at myself today and look at myself tomorrow, nothing is different. But when I looked myself in the mirror ten years ago when Jongdae was still part of my life and took a good look at myself again that day, I couldn't even recognize who I was. How did I come to this? How did I end up not even recognizing myself? This was why I hated classroom activities like writing down your flaws and qualities. I didn’t even know what the hell I was, how could I tell you what I was good and bad at? Using words to define myself seemed impossible, but I could do it for others. 

Yura is hot-tempered.

Hyesung is easy going.

Zitao is self-absorbed.

Sehun is wild.

Jongin is loyal. 

Jongdae is gone. 

And me? I was neither this nor that. I existed in the spaces between my fingers and the pauses in my speech when I try to put my feelings into words. I was an in-between and I wanted nothing more than to stand on stable ground. Because at least then, I knew I hadn't lost myself completely. 

If I looked my name up in the dictionary what would be my definition? 

Song Ari. That is my name. Apart from that I could not define myself, and a name was too lightweight to serve as a description of my existence. What did others think of when they say my name? What did they talk about when they brought me up? Even if something negative came to mind, I wanted to hear it. I wanted to be something. I've merely existed; I lacked both the will to live and the courage to die. 

And in that moment, I was dying to feel alive. 

September came around and so did our one-year anniversary on Septmber 21st. I didn't even think Sehun remembered, and I didn't mind because I wasn't one who celebrated these kinds of things; I just took notice because it was Jongdae's birthday as well. When Sehun asked me to be his girlfriend the same day last year, Jongdae still wasn't in town and there'd been no celebration ever since he left the country. 

So when I received an invitation to Kim Jongdae's twenty-third birthday celebration, I broke down into tears and ran straight to the Kim household. 

Jongin greeted me at the door and immediately asked why I was crying. 

"Where's... Where's Jongdae?"

"Hyung? He's not in, I thought you knew he was studying abroad?"

"But- But the invitation... Birthday party..."

"Oh, yeah he's coming back, but not today."

I breathed out a sigh of relief and hugged him. Jongin was still for a moment, until I felt his large and warm hands on my back. It was unfair to him how I openly expressed my joy over Jongdae's return when I knew about his feelings towards me. But I couldn't help it. 

"Hey, stop crying. You're a big girl now."

Pulling away, I sniffed and wiped my tears. "You're right. I'm a big girl now."

Big enough for Jongdae. 

"Though you're still a kid in my eyes."

I smiled. "We're same age, don't act like you're older." 

Jongin remained silent, and just returned my grin.

"Sorry for coming so abruptly. I'll get going. Can you..." I hesitated, unable to meet his eyes. 

"What?"

"Can you call me? When he comes? Please?"

Jongin subtly bit on his lower lip. I stared at him in silence. "Okay."

Giving him an apologetic smile, I turned and went back home. I had walked a good distance down the pavement when I turned around and saw the door just close. 

I realised I was always sorry towards Jongin. And I was sorry for always putting us both in situations whereby I had to be sorry. Because it meant I had hurt him. Jongin was the last person on Earth I wanted to hurt. He was too precious, too beautiful and too innocent. I wanted to keep him in a little glass bottle, and put him on the highest shelf, where not just anyone could reach him, so he would be safe with the one person who sincerely cared and bothered to climb up. 

The three days before Jongdae's birthday were spent in agony. I almost spent my time counting the seconds I had left until I could meet the man I'd seen less and less of since I was ten; that was eight years ago. 

Jongin called me at four in the morning on the day of Jongdae's birthday. He said his brother had just arrived home, but that it was best I just saw him later at the event itself because he was so tired. I was disappointed, but didn't protest because it was four in the morning and it would be weird if I showed up at their residence no matter how close I was to their family. 

The fact that he was back still didn't sink in yet. Jongdae had been gone for so long, he had become a lucid dream to me during the years I've waited for him. And now that I knew he was coming back, my head was filled with things to talk to him about. I wanted to tell him how much I'd missed him, and ask if he'd missed me too. I wanted to hear about what he learned and the things he did while abroad, Jongdae was always very good with stories. 

I was dying to know how much taller he had grown, if his face had changed, or if he stopped frowning in a lopsided manner. I wanted to know if he could still sing Our Song. But more importantly, I wanted to know if he remembered me. That little five-year-old girl that he met thirteen years ago. 

I wanted to show him just how much I've grown. I was no longer the child that needed to be pushed on swings because her legs were too short. I was no longer the girl that wore childish pink dresses with Barbie on it at events. I could now wear what those girls he mixed with wore. And I could wear it better than them. I wanted to show Kim Jongdae so many things. 

School that day was more hellish than ever and I would have chose to skip if it weren't for the fact that staying at home would be just as agonizing. In school, I at least had Sehun to be distracted by. 

When the last bell rang, I practically jumped up and started packing even without the teacher's dismissal. I knew Sehun was eyeing me. He had playfully asked why I hadn't slept in a single class, to which I could only respond with a shrug. The clique didn't know that Jongin and I had an event to attend that day, and we didn't find a need to tell them. Jongdae was none of their business, anyway. 

I left the classroom with the teacher glaring holes into the back of my head when I exited the room. I heard rushed footsteps behind me and knew it was Sehun. 

"What's up with you? Why are you so eager to leave?"

"Today was especially a drag." I wasn't lying, but I felt bad for some reason.

"That's cool too. Let's go eat, my treat."

I looked at the time on my phone, it was three in the afternoon and Jongdae's party didn't start until eight. 

"Okay," I replied. It was for the better anyway, I would just waste my time at home and let my thoughts run about. Sehun was a good distraction. 

I halted abruptly, causing Sehun to eye me again. 

I was... using him. 

"What's wrong? Did you forget anything?"

I was attracted to Sehun, yes, but dating him never once crossed my mind. At the time when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought he just wanted my body, which was very possible for someone like Sehun. I never thought he'd be serious about this, and all this time I had felt nothing because I told him this relationship wasn't something that led to marriage and he understood. But that was just me making excuses for myself. I was using Sehun and I knew myself goddamn well.

"No, nothing." I took my time to study his mildly concerned face and I felt nothing but a horrible wrench in my chest. "Let's go."

Sehun had obtained his driver's license a few months after his eighteenth birthday, so now he could drive us around in his car. After eating, we drove to his place. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. I'd spend almost all my weekday afternoons in Sehun's room. Sometimes we'd take long naps, sometimes things got heated, sometimes we watched movies until we fell asleep and I'd end up spending the night there. I knew his room as well as I knew my own.

I was over so often that I even had my own clothes in his drawer. Stripping off my uniform into something more comfortable, I sat at Sehun's desk and began using his laptop while he showered. I was scrolling through some webpage when he came out with a towel over his head. 

"Hey, get your feet off my table," Sehun scolded. In response, I wriggled my toes and he pinched them, laughing. 

"I can't stay long today. I have something on later and I have to leave here by five."

"What's on?"

"Just a birthday party of a family friend."

"Oh," Sehun replied, losing interest. He returned to the sheets and continued fiddling with his phone. After some time, I joined him on the bed, and we laid in each other's arms in silence. I could hear his soft breathing, and his occasional sniffs. 

"Do you have a cold?"

"I think so."

"Is it serious?" I looked up at him.

"Nah, just a runny nose. Why? Afraid of catching my germs?"

I rolled my eyes. "What a silly thing to say."

"If you're not scared then I'll kiss you."

I tangled my fingers with his and looked into his eyes. "Kiss me, then."

No matter how many times Sehun captured my lips, I could never not be amazed at how soft his touch was. It conflicted with his entire personality. He was a fierce boy but a gentle lover.  

Something was off about his kiss. Like he was trying to tell me something. But before I could figure out what, the alarm I set at five to remind myself of the event went off. I pulled away slowly and touched his cheek.

"Gotta go," I said softly. 

Sehun took a while to reply. "Okay, go. I'll drive you."

I shook my head. "You have a cold. Just take a nap, I can call my chauffeur."

Sehun took my hand away from his cheek and put it around his waist. He closed his eyes and buried himself in my embrace, as if trying to shrink away. I laughed and called him a baby. I held him until I knew if I delayed any longer, I would be late. And I didn't want to waste any unnecessary second to see Jongdae. 

He sent me to the doorstep and watched me get into my family car. I've left in the same manner a few times before, but for some reason, Sehun looked so sad through the window at the back of the car. 

I practically locked myself in my wardrobe when I got home. Jongin dropped by at around seven, all dressed up in his suit and tie while I was still trying to decide between two dresses. He sat on the couch, watching me fret with an amused smirk on his face. 

"Just wear the pink one, you've loved pink since we were kids."

I chose black. I wasn't a kid anymore, and I was going to show everyone that. 

"Is your brother home?"

"He should be on his way to the venue by now. Said he would meet up with a few old friends and left while I was still at school, I suppose. I didn't see him when I got back."

"Okay."

Jongin and I didn't take our parents' cars, instead, he drove us there on his own. On our way, I received a call from Sehun. I found it odd because it wasn't often that Sehun called, so all the more I picked it up. 

"Hello?"

"Ari? I just... wanted to ask if, you know, that birthday celebration is really that important? If it wasn't... could you- could you come over? Please?"

"I'm sorry, it really is important. I'll come over tomorrow, okay? I'll even stay over, so just for today..."

"Okay. I understand." Sehun chuckled a little. "Have fun tonight. Don't drink too much, and don't talk to strange people. But I'm sure Jongin will do a good job in preventing that."

"You're actually worrying over me." I almost snorted.

"Yeah. I'll see you soon."

"Mhm, soon meaning tomorrow. I'm sure you can live without me until then, right?" I teased. 

"Ari?" 

I paused. "Yeah?"

There was some shuffling over the phone, and a sigh before he said, "I love you."

I froze. 

Sehun had never told me loved me, not even once. He didn't even utter it in his drunken state. I was truly afraid then, because Sehun couldn't love me. He knew we weren't serious about this relationship, at least, he knew I wasn't. I was never sure whether he was serious or not because what I thought was going to be a ual relationship turned out to be mostly innocent. 

I ended the call without saying anything. 

"Sehun?"

My grip on my phone was so tight I thought the gadget would break; either that or my bones might shatter. 

"Y- Yeah."

"What'd he say?"

"Nothing much."

I sank into my seat, a heavy feeling in my chest. 

When we arrived at the venue, I was more than determined to take my mind off the nuclear bomb Sehun had dropped on me. I met up with my parents and went in separately from the Kims. I recognized a few of my father's acquaintances and business partners, along with their own family. I talked to a few of them when I was younger, but now the only people I kept in touch with regularly was my high school clique. Everyone else simply faded away. And Jongdae was the first. 

I stood around in the dimly lit ballroom sipping a non-alcoholic cocktail for a while before Jongin joined me. He said he was in the back room talking to the star of the night and just catching up as they didn't have a chance to earlier, what with Jongdae's untimely arrival and school a few hours after that. He said his brother had changed a lot over the years, both appearance and personality wise. For some reason I was just so sure he didn't change for the worse. Jongdae always carried himself well, and even as children I remembered him to be extremely mature for his age. 

Soon, the birthday boy made his entrance. It wasn't until he stood on a makeshift stage to address his guests did I finally see his face properly. Jongin was right. He did change a lot. I couldn't describe him at that time, I just stood there, stupidly, too stunned to move or even think. I was completely enraptured by him. And I felt proud that he was the man I gave my heart to. I couldn't imagine it to be anyone else. 

"Hello everyone, thank you for taking time off to attend my twenty third birthday celebration. Honestly, I stopped throwing birthday parties ever since I got to Sydney, but since it's the first time I've come back to Korea in... four years? Yes, four years. So you could say this was partly organized for me to reunite and catch up with family and friends that I've dearly missed. 

"Many things have changed since then. The streets, the sudden lack of old school stationary stores." The audience chuckled. "My friends have grown up and many of them are now married. My own neighbourhood has changed a lot too, my parents have aged, and my brother matured." He cast a fond glance at Jongin, who had temporarily left my side to be with his parents at the front of the crowd. "You grew up well, Jongin. Good looks run in our family, I see."

Yes, good looks indeed ran in his family. 

"But above all there is one girl who hasn't changed." My heart stopped. "Yes, she did grow up into a beautiful young woman, but she hasn't changed inside. Still so stubborn, still so childish, and still so in love with me even though I've left her behind here for so long. She still looks at me with the same sparkle in her eyes, and I am so thankful to have someone like her in my life. I'm not running away anymore, you won't have to wait for my return, I'm here for good and I'm going to stay by your side."

I didn't realise I was clutching the sides of my dress until my mother chastisingly slapped the back of my hand. 

"I suppose this is a good time to introduce you all my girlfriend of seven years and new fiancé, Lee Hyejoo."

There were no words for what I felt when I heard those words. I tried to think back, to see if I had heard of this girl before. And I did. At Jongdae's sixteenth birthday party, she introduced herself to me. I should've strangled her when she did. I should've chased her away from Jongdae's side when I saw them talking. I should've clung onto him more persistently if I knew he was just going to throw me away like a used action figured he played with as child but now outgrew. 

That was exactly what I was to him. 

A childhood toy. 

I briefly caught Jongin's alarmed gazed from the front. I suppose he had no idea either because if did he would've told me before we got to this point. Before I started crying in the middle of that damned ballroom, wearing this uncomfortable dress and shoes that I could barely walk in if it weren't for the fact I started wearing heels since I was fifteen. 

I left the ballroom abruptly, just as Jongdae pulled his fiancé on stage to officially give her the ring. If I stayed I would have thrown up. My skin felt prickly and there was a very physical ache in my chest. It all felt like a dream. A nightmare that I couldn't wake up from because I was already awake and living it. I felt betrayed, beaten and broken. 

I didn't even get the chance to show just how much I've grown and how much I've altered myself just to be better for him. 

There were urgent clicks against marble tiles coming from behind me. I stopped abruptly and so did the footsteps. 

"Please don't follow me, Jongin," I said, voice cracking. "Please, please just don't follow me." 

I ran after saying that. And I didn't hear him chasing after me. I took refuge in an empty bathroom cubicle and bawled my eyes out. There were a few locked doors when I came in, meaning other people could hear my cries. But I had already been so humiliated that it was remotely possible to feel more embarrassed than that. 

Jongdae made a joke out of me, and I couldn't even blame him because he didn't do it on purpose. It was just me. It was just me being stupid and obsessed. I couldn't blame anyone else apart from the five year old girl from thirteen years ago that so willingly gave her heart away, without even knowing for sure he would give his back.

I cried until the ache in my chest went away and came to my head instead. I supposed that was my brain blaming itself for destroying my heart, so I let that headache be and stepped out. I washed my face and checked that my make up didn't run before stepping out and wandering about the hotel. There was a sign that said there was a rooftop pool, and I had really wanted some fresh air, so I went. 

The lift ride up was so quiet, and I hated it because I could hear myself think, I could hear my heart trying to regain its bearings after receiving such a shock. On the eighteenth floor, the elevator stopped to let a young man in. He flinched visibly when he saw my face, and I guess he must've been startled by my eyes. I quickly lowered my head as he stepped in. He had a duffel bag with him, so he must've been intending to go swimming, whereas I had nothing but a tight black dress and a purse in hand. 

We reached the pool and I stepped out first. Even at night there were quite a lot of people, but surely less than the crowd in the afternoon. There was a bar by the right end that served drinks, so I went ahead and sat myself down. The bartender looked at me strangely, seeing as how I was the only one not in a swimsuit. 

I asked for a daiquiri and he asked for my identification card. I should've known he would, because this was a well-known establishment after all, and just because I paid him a little extra didn't mean he would overlook me. But perhaps he had seen the traces of tears on my face and pitied me, because he served me my drink anyway, along with a warm smile on the side. 

If I were in any other situation I would've smiled back, but the corners of my lips were so heavy I didn't even want to try pulling them up. I drank quietly, until the bikini girls beside me left and the pool was slowly emptied. Already more than just light-headed, I left my credit card on the counter and staggered off to the side.

The weather in September was the best. It was long past the heat of June and July, but had yet to descend into the winters of October and its following months. The hotel was located in the heart of Seoul and easily established itself as one of the tallest buildings in the area. The night view was breathtaking, and I would love to go back and appreciate it better. I glanced to my right, where there were two doors that led to the bathroom. There were wallflowers on the wall around it, and the place could easily become a quiet garden concealed away from the life at the pool.

I took refuge in the dimness, staring out at the city lights.

"I loved a man more than I have loved myself," I shouted into the sky. "I wasted thirteen years of my life waiting for him." My voice drifted off, "Thirteen years... Thirteen years."

I crouched by the railings, fingers wrapped tightly around the bars. 

"I never knew that." I turned around slowly, heart pounding because it could already recognize its owner's voice without even needing my eyes to look. 

"Hey, Ari."

"Don't 'hey Ari' me," I spat, collapsing onto the cement floor. I would have never dared to be so bold if I was sober. But I figured what I needed most at that time was courage. And courage only came to me when I lost the rationality to think twice. 

"You're right," Jongdae said, approaching me. "I'm sorry."

"For what? For saying 'hey Ari' or for leaving me behind? For breaking me or for dropping a fiancé onto my shoulders?"

He looked at me with an unreadable expression. "For everything."

I scoffed lightly, turning away from him. 

"You're too late."

I felt his warm hand touch my elbow. "Stand up, Ari. Don't sit on the floor like that."

"Please leave me alone. You're good at that aren't you? Are you sure you’re not actually a magician? Your best act would be the disappearing act. Don’t just disappear from my sight; disappear from my life. Like you did before. Please. Please just go away."

"I can't just leave you like that. You might do something silly."

"The silliest thing I've done, Jongdae," I said, voice high, “is loving you so fiercely that I could go ahead and defy my own logic and conscience. Nothing can beat that."

"Ari, don't be like this."

"Then what do you want me to be? Tell me what you want me to be and I'll become it."

"Be yourself. I like you as yourself."

"No! You like me as that five-year-old girl that clung to your side like a leech! But I'm not a kid anymore, Jongdae! I'm not five years old anymore." I began sobbing. "I'm a big girl now. Why... Why can't you see that?"

Jongdae knelt beside me and took my face in his hands. He was so warm and comforting that I felt myself leaning into his touch despite everything. "Then why are you crying? Big girls don't cry."

"Don't say my name like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you never want to see me again. Like I'm some stranger you saw crying on the roadside; don't say my name like that! Please..."

"Okay, okay, I won't." He gently rested my cheek against his shoulder and patted my back, like a mother putting a child to sleep. Jongdae still didn't understand what I wanted most from him. 

When his food contained the broccoli he hated, he would still eat it. When he was asked to read a boring textbook over his fictions, he would still read it. When he saw a broken girl on the floor he would try to fix her, even if it wasn't his business. 

What I wanted most from Jongdae was acknowledgement. Not responsibility, not pity, not anything else. Just, acknowledgement. 

"I want to ask you one thing."

"What is it?" He replied softly. 

"Do you remember our song?"

Jongdae was silent for a while; all I could hear was the faint whispers of the wind that blew against us. A shiver ran down my spine, but stopped at the part where his hand rested against my skin. Jongdae was the shield and the sword that killed me. I could only blame my armor for not being strong enough when everything else failed me. 

"Being born in the same country, speaking the same language. We're so lucky, it's such a relief, because nothing is for certain in this world. I put on nice clothes and meet you, I'm so lucky. It's because I did good in the past."

"I'm able to call your name and hold your hand. Is it just me or is the sun shining on me alone? Is it okay to be this happy? You call my name and lean on my shoulder. It it okay for you to be this dazzling?"

Jongdae interrupted me. "So lucky, my love. I'm so lucky to have you. So lucky to be your love, I am."

I took a shaky breath and continued. "We like the same colours, we like the same movies." I choked on a sob. "It's a love that's meant to be."

It was horribly weird to be crying on the shoulder of a man who just broke your heart. But Jongdae offered a type of comfort that I couldn't find anywhere else, and no matter what the situation was, as long as he comforted me, things would be okay. It may have seemed unlikely at that point in time, for things to be alright, but it did get okay, although I took years to get there. 

Jongdae and I sat with our backs against the railings. Whoever passed by to access the bathroom, which were few, gave us weird looks. I had stopped crying and was reduced to occasional sniffles. Jongdae was silent all the while, just turning to look at me from time to time. I eventually persuaded him to go, because he had guests, family, a fiancé and an anxious Jongin to report back to. And when he left, I knew that would be the last I would ever want to see of him. 

From where I was sitting, I could see the pool lights dim and the surrounding overhead lights go out as well. It must be time for the pool to close. It got dark, but at least there were lights from the small bar just in front of me. But I could tell from the sounds that they were closing too. The bathroom door swung open to my left, letting out a ray of light. The man who stepped out was the man from the lift. I didn't see him walk past to enter the washroom; he probably came when Jongdae was still around. 

He eyed me, as if unsure whether or not talking to me was a good idea. I ignored him and drank from the cans of beer I had around me. I purchased them not long after Jongdae left and took back my card. 

"Are you... feeling better?" He finally asked.

I looked at him through heavy lidded eyes. "At least I don't feel like throwing myself over the railing anymore."

"That would be terrible," he replied, looking genuinely horrified. "Is there anyone that will come for you? Do you need me to call someone to pick you up or do you have a room here?"

"I'll be okay."

"Alright, if you say so. But if you really need to call someone, I can-"

"It's fine."

He pursed his lips. "Okay. But please don't throw yourself over." He actually looked sincere. "You're too young to be this sad."

The bartender finally turned off the lights and locked up. He told me the door to go back down would be automatically locked soon, and that I should go back to wherever I came from if I didn't want to be stuck here all night, or get accused of trespassing. I nodded and thanked him for the information. Frankly, I didn't care if I got myself into a mess. I was a mess myself, what more could happen? 

I had crushed my last can of beer when there were loud banging noises in the distance. I heard muffled voices, I couldn't make out words but I sensed the urgency. Eventually there were footsteps against the wooden floorboards. I wanted to crawl under the bench and hide but I had not the energy nor will to move a muscle. Jongin found me first, then my parents. They took one look at the beer cans around me and sighed, whether it was in relief or disappointment, I didn't know. 

Jongin took me in his arms and brought us to the elevator, where I saw a mildly irritated hotel manager waiting for us with keys in his hand. My parents were right behind us, barely restraining their anger from seeping through the pores of their skins. 

After safely returning me to my parents' car, Jongin bid us goodbye and went off on his own. My parents were probably dying to lash out at me, but held themselves back because even if they did, I was not clear-headed enough to feel ashamed or sorry. What they didn't know was that even if I were sober, I would feel none of those. 

I did not attend school the next day, partly because I could not wake up on my own, and my parents just let me be. Not long after I washed up, I was called into my father's study. He asked me if my underage drinking was a one time thing, and I told him no. He asked me how long, I said since I was fifteen. He looked like he was about to combust from rage and embarrassment. 

"I never really pressured you into taking over the company, nor have I ever scolded you for the grades you bring home. So tell me why you would be like this, Ari? Is it because your mother and I aren't giving you enough attention? Is that it?"

"No. I am like this because of my own self. It has nothing to do with anybody."

"Although I've never said much, I did hope that one day you might take over the company. It made me feel more at ease when I know my own kin is protecting what I spent my life building up. But now that is hardly possible."

He gave a disappointed sigh, and sent me out. I did not feel much from his words. I did not feel guilt or shame, or any form of repentance. I didn't know why I should. I never harmed anybody from the way I have conducted myself. 

Jongin came over to visit me in the evening, asking if I was feeling better. I couldn't give him a direct answer, and he did not probe any further. All he asked was if I resented Jongdae. Frankly, it would be a lie to say I did not blame him at all, but I knew all this had just been because of my own wishful thinking. Jongdae did not lead me on, he merely acted out what a close friend and brother would have been towards me. I had just naïvely chased after him and scraped my knee in the process. It had nothing to do with him. But I needed someone to blame, so that was the only reason behind the bitter aftertaste I had when it came to Kim Jongdae. 

I returned to school as per normal the next day, but Sehun's seat was left empty. When Jongin and I reunited with the rest of the group, they asked what was up with Sehun, as he had not shown up the previous day either. They also said they were unable to contact him. All the text messages they sent and calls they made were left unanswered. I tried calling him on the spot, but it went straight to voicemail. Jongin reasoned it must just be some family matters, because it wasn't the first time Sehun had disappeared for a few days without an explanation. 

On the third day of Sehun's absence, the nagging feeling in me got stronger. At first I suspected he was angry with me, but that made no sense after a while because Sehun wasn't that childish. If he was really angry with me he would come to school, yell at me, ignore me for the rest of the day and forgive me when I pleaded him to. Besides, he didn't sound angry when I last spoke to him on the phone either. He just sounded... weird.

I could not let him go on. So I dropped by his residence after school on my own. I rang the bell from their front gate, and the housekeeper I've seen enough times before to be able to recognize her voice, answered me. She too, could recognize me as Sehun's girlfriend, and let me in after confirming that. When I met with her at the front door, she looked pale. 

"Sehun hasn't come to school for three days, I was wondering what's wrong, because he isn't picking up his phone."

She let out a long sigh and reached into her apron pocket to pull out a white handkerchief.

"Sehun... has passed on."

I blinked fervently and involuntarily took a few steps back. "W- What?"

"On Tuesday evening when I brought him dinner, he declined. He looked sick so I left some medicine and let him rest. But when I returned to rouse him for school the next day... I- I..."

"You what? You what?!"

"I found him in the bathroom, in the tub... full of- full of blood. I fainted after the discovery, and when I came to, the master of the house told me that he had bled to death. A- a deep cut on his wrist was what ended his life. At about this time..." She sobbed quietly into her handkerchief and looked at her wristwatch. "His father should have left the cemetery."

"You're joking. You're joking, this is some kind of sick prank isn't it?" I pushed past her and climbed up the stairs to his bedroom. But with each step I climbed up, a part of me felt less and less willing to reach his door. Ignoring those feelings, I twisted the knob but it was locked, so I banged loudly on the door. "Oh Sehun! Oh Sehun, stop whatever prank you're pulling on me now. I know you're in there, so you better come out and explain. Sehun!"

The housekeeper pulled me away, saying I should go home. 

"Open this door now." I demanded. "Open it!"

She fumbled for the keys and unlocked the door for me. When I barged in, the room was exactly how I remembered it. His bed was messy, clothes strewn all over. The blazer of his school uniform hung shabbily over the coat rack. His laptop was still left open, probably by me. I could see the basketball he used to dribble occasionally under the bed. Even his scent still lingered. He wasn't gone. Sehun couldn't be dead. 

When I tried to open the bathroom door, the housekeeper held me back. I screamed at her to let me go, but she told me gently that it was better I didn't go in. There was nothing to see anyway, she said, and I should only go in when I was ready. I was crying hysterically by then, collapsed on the floor because my knees couldn't hold me up. 

"You have been with Sehun for some time," the housekeeper said through her own tears. "I'm sure you know... that his father isn't too kind on him. Sehun that boy, he's been a victim of abuse even before he met you."

"What are you saying?"

"Whenever you come over, Sehun is able to escape. When there are guests over his father acts appropriately. That's why Sehun is always convincing you to stay over. On the evening before he died, it happened again. Not long after you left, he came home drunk as usual. And I don't think you need me to tell you what happens next to know."

That's why he called me. That's why he asked if I could come back. 

"Sehun has been suffering from depression for as along as I can remember. For six years, I saw a fresh wound to replace the fading scar every single day. But ever since he started bringing you here, he's been doing it less and less. Ari… you have been protecting him all this while. And it's not your fault you couldn't protect him to the end."

"How can I-"

"This house will be evacuated soon. The master wants to move houses." She dropped the bundle of keys in my hand. "Sehun is at Dosan cemetery. Go and see him. Please."

The housekeeper helped me up onto my feet and even hailed me a cab. I still couldn't believe all that was real. It was so sudden. Everything spiraled down too suddenly. Just three days ago Sehun was beside me during class, he was still holding my hand, I could still feel the warmth of his lips on mine. I could still smell his usual scent of cigarette and deodorant mixed together. Sehun had been alive, at one point in time, and it terrified me to realise how quickly a life could end.

And how easy it was for him to give up on everything. 

How tired he must have been. How scared, lonely and desperate he must have been to resort to such a method of escape. Why didn't he just speak out about it? If the housekeeper knew what his father was doing to him, why didn't she speak out about it?

There were so many hints and signals for me to turn around that day. My intuition, his clinginess, his kiss, his first and last confession. Why didn't I just stay? Why didn't I just listen to what my brain was saying for once and just stayed? I gave Sehun up for someone I'd been longing to possess since young, but I ended up with nothing in the end. 

I was left with absolutely nothing. 

I had let Sehun die in vain. 

"Miss, we're here." I looked out of the window to meet with a small path between thick layers of trees. Shakily, I handed the driver a wad of bills and stepped out. I could hear him calling me back to collect my change, but I ignored him, starting my long way uphill. 

The cemetery was not vast; perhaps only a hundred tombstones were housed. It was easy to narrow down the ones that could belong to Sehun, because only five graves had fresh flowers laid over them. I found Sehun easily. The soil that covered him was freshly dug out and patched back. I knelt down and picked up the flowers that lay at the foot of his tombstone and flung it as far as I could. What a hypocrite, I thought, what a monster of a father. 

I stared long and hard at the words engraved on the surface of the stone. 

In memory of Oh Sehun, filial son, 1985-2003. 

How filial he must have been, to simply remain still when his father beat him every night. How filial he must have been, to keep his mouth sealed for God knows how long, just to protect the name of the monster that fathered him. But what Sehun didn't realise was that because he was so filial, his father was now a criminal. 

"Of all days to give up," I said quietly, burying my fingers in the soil. "Why did you have to choose that day? Are you punishing me? Did you already know that there was someone I loved more than you? Is this what you think I deserved? To live the rest of my life in guilt because I chose someone else over you? Of all days to die why did it have to be that day?!"

My voice was loud in the silence of the cemetery. 

"You couldn't wait for me? You couldn't wait one more day? If you waited one more day I could've saved you! I could've stayed however long you wanted me to! I could've protected you, Sehun, why didn't you just wait for me? There are so many things I have to find out from you," I cried. "What was my answer when you asked me what my stupid sober heart was saying? What kind of answer did I give you? Did I hurt you? Get up and tell me if I hurt you!"

I began clawing at the dirt, with the crazy intention of digging out his coffin and opening the lid, shaking him by his cold shoulders to wake him up. 

I froze. "If you loved me why would you do this to me? The least you could've done was to take me with you. I have nothing to lose now! I have nothing to hold on to, so if you just waited one more day and asked me to leave this place with you, I would've said yes.

"Why did you have to leave behind such ambiguity? Exactly why did you choose to die? Is it because of your father? Is it because you could no longer stand him? Why did you choose that time to give up? Why didn't you just end your misery earlier? Or is it because I chose someone else over you and you were angry? You didn't have to go as far as die, did you? You could scold me, shout at me, break up with me, cut off all ties with me. Anything but leaving me behind without a ing explanation!

"You're so cruel."

I stayed until nightfall, and I would've kept staying until daybreak if the cemetery caretaker didn't find me. No matter what the man threatened me with to make me go home, I wouldn't, because the last thing Sehun asked of me was to stay. The rational part of me knew it was too late, but I just wanted to make it up to him somehow. Eventually I was forcibly dragged out. The man even went as far as calling a cab down for me. He said he'd dealt with these cases many times before, and he felt sorry that he had to meet someone so young.

I didn't go home that night; instead I traveled to Sehun's now empty residence. I assumed the housekeeper must've gone home for the night, or maybe she was just gone for good. I showered in the bathroom downstairs and changed into one of my spare sets of clothes I had in Sehun's drawer. 

Leaving the table light on, I curled up under Sehun's duvets. It was comforting yet cold at the same time. I could almost feel him beside me, I was wrapped in his scent and his warmth, but when my fingers touched the empty sheets beside me, every fiber in my body shivered.

I couldn't sleep at all that night, because every now and then I would hear his soft cries resonating from the bathroom. Scared was the last thing I felt. Getting out of bed, I approached the bathroom door and sat with my back against it. 

"Are you in there, Sehun?" I asked softly. "Can you hear me? I can hear you. I hear you now, loud and clear, but it's too late isn't it? I'm sorry. You know, if I met you before I met him, I would've loved you more than I loved anyone else on this planet. Even my parents. If I had met you first, I would have never let you go. Even if you broke up with me and never wanted to see me again, I would never let you go. Heaven has a way with us, huh? The two of us could have been perfectly happy if we just met each other earlier.

"Were you scared? When you lay in that tub all by yourself, feeling your life and the opportunities that lay ahead of you bleed out of your veins, bit by bit, did you feel scared then? You never really put your emotions on display for the world to see. It was hard to gauge your mood, but after spending some time with you, just us two, I could understand you a little bit more. But it wasn't enough, was it? The others are still oblivious to this. They just think you're sick, or settling some family matters like you always said you were after coming back from your sudden disappearances. How would they react when they find out that this time, you're gone for good?"

My phone buzzed with a call from my parents. I let it vibrate beside me until the screen went black. What would I say if I answered the phone? "I'm at the house of the boy who led me astray, but he's dead now so whatever you have to say doesn't matter any more."

Yes. Sehun was dead. Whatever I had left to say… didn't matter anymore.

I continued to live in his house for the next few days. The housekeeper never came back. My phone went flat after the first night, and I was able to charge it using Sehun's charger as we had the same phone, but I didn't feel like answering to anybody.

It was a Saturday. I was passing my time on Sehun's laptop, wrapped in his blanket as usual, when his doorbell rang. The residence was empty now, surely his relatives would've known, so the only person, or people, who could be ringing it was Jongin and the others. I had no intention of letting anyone in—this place was a safe haven for only Sehun and I—but I answered the speaker at least. 

I wish I didn't. 

"Ari? I know you're in there. And I know what happened too. We all do. The school received a call."

The last thing Sehun would have wanted was for the entire school to know about his passing. If his spirit were beside me then, he surely would have had a hand over his pale face, muttering, "how embarrassing."

"It's okay. Nobody's mad at you. Your parents understand. It's okay to come out Ari. Please just come out."

Without saying a word, I turned off the speaker and ran back to Sehun's bedroom. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you even after death, Sehun. I'm so sorry."

Now that everyone knew Sehun was gone, there was surely ridiculous stories about how and why he died being spun up. And I knew I had to go back and put an end to it. I would do everything in my power to protect his name if not his body. No one could ever hurt that poor boy any further. 

He'd been broken and beat enough already.

When I returned to school, everyone I had spoken at least once to came to console me. I was so sick of them that I eventually yelled at one girl to shut up and stay away. After that, nobody dared approached me. I sat in my seat with my eyes fixed on the front. Because if I wavered and glanced at the empty seat beside me, I wouldn't be able to take it. 

The first period commenced, and consequently every teacher that came in gave me a sympathetic look. I hated it. It was a reminder of what I had lost. I didn't care if they meant well, everything was reminding me that Sehun was no longer by my side. I regretted coming. I didn't learn anything new nor did it take my mind off him. If anything, I was more reminded of him than if I just stayed in his room. 

Every corner I turned, I would see him. At some times he would be leaning against a random locker with a cigarette between his fingers. At others, he would be drinking from the fountain and when he noticed me, he would look up, flash a smile that only I was entitled to receive, and run towards me.

But when I opened my arms to welcome him, he vanished, and all I could see were the sympathetic stares of the students around me. 

During Biology, I suddenly felt a weight on my left shoulder. I glanced down and he was there, resting his cheek on me with his eyes closed and a contented look on his face. Then he cracked one eye open, chuckled, and leaned into me, wrapping his arms around mine. The light front the classroom windows shone on his face in such an ethereal manner, Sehun looked like a fairy, and my chest was filled with warmth. I reached my hand out to touch his face, but my fingers passed right through him, and he dissolved. 

"Sehun?" I said quietly. The students sitting closest to me glanced in my direction. 

"Ari... Y- You okay?" Asked the girl sitting behind me. 

"Sehun?" I called louder, not caring that the teacher had halted lesson and all eyes were on me. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I was sure I could make it through the day without shedding a tear, but I was wrong. 

Nobody knew what to do when I started crying, and eventually someone had to bring in Jongin to calm me down. Even when he held me and soothed me, I wouldn't stop. He was there, taking a nap on my shoulder like he would every time it was Biology lesson. He was living in me, in my shadow. There was no way I could chase him away. 

And that, was Sehun's punishment for me for not loving him like I should have. 

The school let me leave early, because I was clearly in no condition to learn. Jongin was insistent on going with me, but the security guards held him back, as he didn't have a permission slip. I left him behind without even turning back, and hailed a cab for Sehun's home. 

I cried even more within the four walls of his room. Crying solved nothing, but it was the only thing I was capable of doing. It didn't make me feel better; it didn't lift a weight off my chest. All it did was enable me to sleep, something which I couldn't get much of the past few days. 

I dreamt of us. We were on his bed, as like how we would spend most of our afternoons together. None of us spoke. He would trace his thumb over my cheek, I'd look up at him and he'd smile at me ever so slightly. In my dream, I fell asleep, but when I woke up he wasn't there anymore. I grew frantic and yelled his name. For some time, there was no response. And when I opened the door to look for him, he was standing there, looking confused at first, until he put on a radiant smile. 

Then I woke up to a dark bedroom. I scrambled to turn on the table lamp, and a warm orange glow filled the room. I got out of bed and approached the door, fingers wrapped tightly around the cold brass doorknob. Twisting and pulling, I opened the door and stared out at the dark hallway. 

There was no Sehun, no beautiful smile. 

Just darkness. Darkness that Sehun had been permanently shrouded in since young. Nobody could take him out; no spotlight was strong enough to reclaim him. 

I never returned to school for the next few days. On one afternoon, I noticed some people gathered at the front gate. At first I thought it was Jongin and the others, but after a closer look, I realised it wasn't them. I raced down to the front door to block whoever was intruding. As I had expected, he had the keys to enter. When he and his companions saw me, they looked horrified, and the woman even let out a shriek. 

"Who the hell are you?" Asked the man in a suit.

"I should be asking you that."

"I'm the property agent, these people are my clients. From what I know, this lot is put up for sale, and unless you have proof that you already purchased this house, you can be arrested for trespassing."

"Arrested?" I murmured incredulously. "Get out."

"Excuse me-"

"Get out!" I screamed at them. "Get out of this house! You're not allowed to enter! Nobody is allowed to be here except me!"

They only scrammed when I picked up a nearby vase to chase them away. The day after that, I went back home to plead my father to buy the house. 

"Why on Earth will I buy a house?" He said exasperatedly. "Ari, you've not come home in a week since we found you drunk at the rooftop pool. I decided to let that matter be but you're really pushing things! If it wasn't for Jongin who came all the way here to assure me that you were safe and not dead in some ditch, and that you just needed time alone, I would've sent a search party after you. And just this afternoon, your school called and said that if you don't turn up tomorrow, you'll be expelled. Now you come back all of a sudden, without even a greeting for your mother or myself, and you demand for me to buy a house?! Where is the logic in all this!"

"Please just buy it, dad, please... I'll go to school tomorrow, I'll study hard, I'll do everything you want me to, just please buy the house. I can't let anyone else stay there."

My father sighed deeply. "Tell me why you want that house. If I'm going to make an investment I should at least now what I'm getting myself into."

"I let someone down. And now he’s dead. I want to—no—I have to protect him. I have to protect the house. Please, dad, please, I'll do everything you want me to. You have to buy it, please."

The house was bought, along with whatever furniture that was left in it. I finally ventured to places other than Sehun's room. When I looked through the drawers of what appeared to be his father's study room, there was nothing. Even the bookshelves were bare, and the house was stripped of its owner's personal items. How quickly his father ran away. On the same day, I decided I was ready to enter the bathroom. I half-expected it, but it was clean. No blood, no remnants of death. 

I shut the door behind me and slowly climbed into the tub. I leaned against the back of it and took a deep breath to calm my quivering heart. Bled to death. What a cruelly slow and painful way to die. As he lay in that tub, during the time his blood flowed freely, did he not have second thoughts? Did he not feel like turning things around, did he not worry about what the people he left behind would feel?

I wondered how long Sehun had been wishing to die. I wondered exactly what triggered him to do it that night. Even before I left and before he asked me if I could come back, something was very wrong. I could feel it, yet I stubbornly chose to ignore it. Had he already planned to die that evening beforehand? 

If I had stayed, what would he have to tell me? If I had stayed, would he have changed his mind?

My own cries frightened me more than the ones I heard from Sehun in the middle of the night. Through my tears, I noticed some carvings at the side of the tub. The were jagged and messy, but I could still make out the words. 

It'll be okay.

I felt my heart take a plunge so deep it was nearly impossible to bring it back up again. When did Sehun carve it? Did he carve it as he lay in the tub and bled to death? Or did he carve it way back, on one of those sorrowful nights, to remind himself whenever he wanted to die, that there was a previous occasion whereby he withstood that temptation to give up, and instead carried on forward. 

If he had left a letter to explain things, it would've made things so much easier. I had too many questions for a dead man, and knowing these questions could never be answered by someone that was not him made it clear to me that this was an emotional baggage that I could never let go of until the day I died. 

But I held onto the three words he carved into his catharsis haven. It'll be okay.

Things didn't look like it would be okay at that time, but eventually it did. I just had to believe in that and keep going. 

I spoke to my father on the phone the next afternoon, on a Saturday. I told him I would live in that house from now on, and I told him of my plans for what was to come next. He was obviously going easy on me because he had learned that a boy, who was and still is special to me, had passed on, and he didn't want to make things harder for either of us. 

My plan was that I would return to school as promised, and to simply, live life as normally as I could. My mother spoke to me next, saying she had heard everything from my father. She said she had asked Jongin if he could accompany me in the house as she didn't feel assured leaving me there alone, but I fiercely rejected it. Nobody could step into our house. Not even Jongin, whom I trust more than I trusted myself. 

That place was a place for just the two of us. And it would stay that way until the end. Nobody was allowed to go in. 

And nobody was allowed to step out. 

People stopped talking when I got back to school. The news of Sehun was dying down, and everyone started going back to their normal lives. The clique still remained a little somber, but I could tell they were trying their best to lighten the atmosphere, be it for my sake, or their own. To us, Sehun was a leader figure. We basically revolved around him. But it wasn't in the sense that we did everything he told us to. 

Sehun was like our core. Everyone was just attracted to him.

With Sehun gone, the remaining five of us were thrown off balance. I didn't know who or how the others lived as before Sehun came into their lives. Perhaps they had been exemplary students; perhaps they had been average ones like Jongin and myself. Or maybe, they were just like Sehun since the beginning. Whatever it is, we were lost. Was it okay to do things we usually did? Was there supposed to be some sort of change in us?

I for one had not planned to suddenly turn over a new leaf. Clubbing, drinking, smoking, those things didn't exactly sit well with me in the beginning. But after doing it for so long, I kind of just went with it. And if I suddenly stopped all those activities, I would be completely and utterly bare.

When I first chose to start this path with Sehun and Jongin, I had one goal in mind: to grow up for Jongdae. But after his birthday and the bitter discovery of his fiancé, I did not know what path I had to walk on.

My situation was like this. I had, at one point, a map, a destination, and a compass. I had everything I needed to embark on a journey. But suddenly, my destination was erased from my mind. I had circled it out on the map but there was suddenly a cross over it, and there was no newly circled destination either. So now I had a map and a compass, but no destination. And before I could pick a new place to go, my compass was destroyed overnight. I had no place to go and way to get there even if I did. 

All I had left was a crumpled piece of paper with mapped out mountains to climb and rivers to cross, and I did not know how. 

As September came to a close and October drew in, the year-end examinations did as well. If I sat for the exam with my current standard, I would surely have to repeat the year. 

In the silence of the house, I began to flip through the textbooks I had brought over from my own home. What started out as merely skimming through turned into highlighting and note taking. I got more and more immersed in studying, which I had previously hated. In fact, I still hated it then. But there was nothing else to do in the house. If I let my mind remain unoccupied, it would wander off to negative things. 

I still hung out with the clique regularly. With passing time, they began to come to terms with Sehun's permanent absence and dealt with it in their own ways. I began seeing less and less of Yura as she spent more time with her boyfriend. Hyesung became wilder than she had been before, changing her male companions almost every week. Zitao was surprising, as he had become soft spoken. He barely threw out snarky remarks anymore, and instead kept to himself. 

When I called him out on it one day, he told me through glassy eyes that it scared him. I asked him what, and he said Sehun. He said he was afraid of the vulnerability of human life. He was so shaken up by it, as he said it was the first time he had anyone close to him commit suicide. It seemed so unbelievable yet painfully real. He was forced to come to terms with it because he felt it every day. 

"Feel what?" I asked him. 

"The absence. It's like a gaping hole and it's only getting wider and wider each day."

Zitao and I shared the same feelings. Which was why I had never once let myself stay sober whenever the five of us gathered together. I didn't want to be reminded. 

Jongin remained the most stable throughout the ordeal. But he had always been a child that could hide emotions well. And the only reason why he could hide it is because Jongin was simply running away from it. He was the type of person that while trapped in a burning house, would close his eyes and pretend everything was fine. That method of dealing with loss worked until nightfall. When you laid in bed in the quiet, listening to yourself think, listening to the voices that you've been suppressing all day, come back all at once.

It was a method that guaranteed self-destruction. 

It had been a month since I discovered the news. I was fully settled into the house, so familiar with it that felt like my own. No, it felt like ours, mine and Sehun's. I planned to visit my parents every weekend starting Saturday, to assure them that I was still breathing. 

Soon one month became two months, and two became three. The next thing I knew, it was the January of a new year, a new year welcomed with the absence of Sehun for the first time in three years. The class seating arrangement was changed, but I had refused to let the seat beside me be occupied, and my homeroom teacher was understanding. Much like the house I started living in, the seat beside me was reserved for Sehun, and the two adjoined desks reserved for us alone. 

I never stopped thinking about Sehun. But I was getting used to going through daily life without him. I still saw him in random corridors, still saw him hunched over the same drinking fountain and sitting idly on the bleachers while the rest of the class ran laps around the school track. It hurt whenever he suddenly disappeared, but I was now able to sigh, walk away, and look forward to the next time I saw him in school again. 

Jongin and I had grown a little distant during the vulnerable days after learning of Sehun's death. But soon we were going back to the way we were before. Jongin smiled less often, drank more and ran out of cigarettes faster, but he was still pretty much the same. 

One night we met at our neighbourhood playground. It was Saturday, the day I visited my parents and stayed the night. I was taking a stroll, but I never thought I'd see him there. Jongin was equally surprised, but he smiled, then automatically stood up from the swing to let me have it. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, rocking back and forth gently as I stared out at the neat row of houses ahead, divided by a wide road occasionally lined with parked cars. Jongin was slightly behind me, sitting at the base of the slide. 

"The same reason why you're here."

"Oh."

"It's been getting harder to see you nowadays. At school, we're in different classes and can only meet for half an hour during lunch. After school, you're at Sehun's house in a neighbourhood that's on the other side of the Han River. And when we hang out with the others, your sense of being is not with your body. I see you every day but I feel like I haven't met you in ages. I miss you."

"Well I'm here now," I said.

"How long are you going to stay there? Don't make a home out of your sorrow."

My skin prickled.

"Are you ever going to come back?"

I wasn't sure what Jongin was referring to. Was it me returning to my original home? Was it me returning to my original self or whatever 'self' I might have been before?

"Some day I will. But I don't see that day in the near future. I'm comfortable there."

"Will you let anyone in, then?"

"Never."

Jongin was silent after that. "You know that I like you, right?"

"I know," I replied. "And you know that I don't like you in the same way, don't you?"

"I... know that too."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"I thought if I didn't say it any time soon, I might not get a chance to anymore."

"How long?"

"Since we first met." I nearly flinched. "But at that time it was more of puppy love, you know? We were so competitive and stuff, I couldn't really get close to you or get your attention because of my brother. So when he was out of the picture, I was... glad. But that happiness only lasted for so long. You were always trying to live for him. All you saw was him, even when he was gone. The only difference was that you barely smiled anymore. Not like when he was around. So I started wishing he'd come back, that way you could smile again."

"Well, you never thought you'd be so wrong about that."

"Yeah." Jongin chuckled quietly. "Then Sehun happened and I got so angry, obviously. He and I are friends but he wasn't good for you. There's someone who could've loved you better-"

"No one could love me better than Sehun, Jongin. Not you, not your brother, not anyone else. Sehun loved me like he knew he would die the next minute. I just wish I realised earlier."

"It's not your fault, Ari."

"Doesn't matter what anyone says. I feel that it's my fault, and it's going to stay with me for life." I took a deep breath and Jongin remained quiet after that. "Don't you miss him?"

"Of course I do. Every day, every second. I found him first, after all."

"Perhaps he was the one who found you. Perhaps he was the one that found all of us."

"Perhaps. And we found him in return."

"Did we really?" A car appeared at the end of the road, it slowly got closer, headlights blindingly bright during the night, then it parked and the lights went out. "I don't think we really found him, Jongin. Maybe we've only found bits and pieces of him.

"We found the piece of him that was always cool and easygoing. We found the piece of him that always had on a stiff face, but a fiercely loyal heart. But what we didn't find was the piece that would help save him, until it was too late. What if we searched harder, Jongin? Would we have found all of him in time?"

"I suppose we would have."

"But it's too late now, isn't it? Sehun has disappeared along with the remaining pieces of himself. We can never find them, all we can do is hold on dearly to what we have; those useless yet precious pieces." I exhaled shakily. "So do you miss him, Jongin?"

"I do. I miss him so much I think I could die any moment."

"Me too." I smiled, wiping away a teardrop that had escaped the walls of my mental dam. "But we only wish we did."

"I'm so afraid."

"Of what?"

"Afraid of forgetting. Everything we did together, now they replay in my mind in a blink of an eye. But say years later, I would start needing ten, then twenty seconds before Sehun's face forms in my mind. Years later, I will only be able to remember certain chapters from our little storybook, and from chapters I would deteriorate to paragraphs, then single sentences."

"Drives you crazy just thinking about it, right?"

"Yeah."

"Remember the time we were on our way to your brother's birthday? And I received a call from Sehun?" Jongin's silence meant for me to continue. "He said some things, and the last thing he told me was I love you. And the thing is, even after losing him and everything, I still can't confidently say that I love him back. It didn't make me realise I had feelings for him because I didn't, and the ugly fact was that I still loved Jongdae.

"Even while dating him I was practically head over heels for your brother. And frankly? The reason why I even befriended Sehun was so that I could use him to propel myself into the world your brother had moved on to. Everything I've done up until now was so that your brother could love me back. When I found out that it was impossible, I even shamelessly thought that I could go back to Sehun as if nothing happened, and try to see if I can love him instead."

I shut my eyes, fingers tightening around the metal chains of the swing. "The person who died should've been me."

The talk with Jongin was the first emotional one we've had in the fourteen years of knowing each other. I would say it felt like a new door was opened, or like our little house had expanded and there was more room to move about. 

I hated to admit it but as time passed, everything became back to the way it was. Sehun was no longer a topic at school. I studied, I spent time with friends and family, I visited Sehun every once in a while, I slept and I ate like a normal person. The year was coming to a close, I had an important exam to prepare for, which, for the first time in years, I felt I might be able to pass. 

When Sehun's first death anniversary came, I visited him again. I didn't prepare anything special, just the usual flowers and short stories about how life had been without him. But on that day, I didn't go alone. Yura, Hyesung and Zitao went too. Jongin wanted to come but I told him it wasn't good to visit a dead person on the day someone was born. He called me superstitious, but I made sure to leave him out of the plans.

Yura began tearing up when we laid down our flowers. It was surprising because she and Sehun never really seemed that close on the surface even thought we were always together as a group. Each of us had spent time with another person in the clique alone at least once, just two people. But I didn't recall Yura and Sehun ever doing that. She told us that Sehun had saved her once. When she first came into high school, some things happened and she wasn't able to fit in very well. By the time June came she got so sick of the loneliness, and went up to the roof during lunchtime. 

Just as she was about to throw herself over, Sehun, who had come up to take a smoke, pulled her back. He even scolded her like how a father would when she sat on the ground crying.

"If you kill yourself so young, you're going to regret it! Things might get better when you grow up but you chose to end yourself too early. Wouldn't that be a waste?"

I smiled at her story. But after thinking about it, I wondered if Sehun had scolded himself with those exact same words during the moments before his last breath. And it pained me to know that even if he did scold himself in the same way, his final answer was still evident. 

"It wouldn't be waste. Things will never get better."

We sat around his grave, all four of us, and just shared little stories with one another. We arrived around noon, and left early evening. I returned to our home right after and slept the rest of the day.

The exams came and I took it with whatever I had in me. While we waited for our results during October, my parents called me up on a Friday night to tell me that we had been invited to Jongdae's wedding. I said I would go. 

"Why did you agree to come?" Jongin questioned me as I approached his car in a light pink dress. 

"I came to take my heart back."

Seeing Jongdae bind his life with another girl was not any less painful for me as it was when he introduced his fiancé to everyone one year ago. But I needed to have some form of closure. I needed to read the chapter right until the end before I could move on to the next. I was sick of re-reading us and what we had back then. 

When I left the wedding, I left holding my heart in hand. All that was left to do was wait for someone new to come along that I could give it to.

November came and our results were given back. I did well enough to get into college, while the others might have had to pay their way through. Jongin and Yura went for arts but were in different schools, while I took business studies in another no-name college. Zitao's grades were effortlessly average most of the time, if he just put in a little effort he'd be able to do so much better. He and I managed to stay together in the same college, but had different majors. Hyesung wasn't able to get into anywhere with her grades but with her family's money, landed a spot in a private school.

Although we all went separate ways, I was glad no one was left behind. We weren't fans of studying, but I managed to pull myself up the ranks a little while trying to distract myself from Sehun. On graduation day we made promises to still meet up often, but I was sure we all knew that promise wasn't going to last very long. Eventually we'd get too busy for one another, be it because of new friends or new responsibilities. One day we would all just become parts of the stories we'd tell our own children ten years down the road. It was all part of growing up, and I was ready to go.

On graduation day, the only thing that weighed my heart down was that I could no longer see Sehun in the corridors any more. I hated to admit it, but life indeed went on, no matter how dear that someone was. But at least I had our home, which I was still living in even until then. I could see him drinking milk directly from the carton every now and then; sometimes he would dribble his basketball by the side while I surfed the net. I still caught little moments of him, and they no longer changed my mood for the worse, I felt happy and relieved whenever I saw him. To me, Sehun was and will continue to be alive. 

Between graduating and starting in a new school, there was a four-month vacation. During that time, the five of us traveled to Hawaii for a two-week long holiday. When I came back, I approached my parents and began asking about the company. Hanging out with the clique was one thing, but I didn't want to be wasting the rest of my time doing nothing, so it was best that I started learning about the kind of business my family ran. 

My father was surprised but mostly welcoming. He got his trusty secretary to give me lessons once a week. It was boring for the most part, but I didn't hate it. I kept thinking about my father's words when he caught me drunk on Jongdae's birthday. It made me feel more at ease when I know my own kin is protecting what I spent my life building up. 

I began working part-time to get a feel of things. My responsibilities weren't much, just enter data, print and photocopy it, punch holes, stapler stuff, then file it. 

Once in a while Jongin and I would go to watch movies and then shop in the college districts. I heard from him that his brother was now acting CEO of their family company. I didn't feel much when I heard that piece of information. Jongdae was living well without me, and so was I. He would forever remain a special person to me, but just because he was special didn't mean he was first place in my heart.

Over time I realised that I wasn't always thinking of him. Sure, he would come into my mind every now and then, but it was sort of like 'ah, I was thinking of something else before I thought of him' kind of thing. 

College life was extremely dull compared to my three years in high school. Zitao was the most convenient to meet, so we met up almost every time our schedules allowed us to. I didn't make close friends; I supposed that was because my personality changed a bit. I was more reserved and cautious with my speech, and unless someone talked to me first, I almost never spoke up unless necessary. 

One tradition of mine was that while Jongin remained at arts school, I would always receive an invitation to his school's annual showcases. I went every single time to see him dance, and also to hear Yura sing. That was basically the only thing I looked forward to while in college apart from meeting up with Jongin. Those showcases were also what reunited the five of us every year. 

There were times where I would stay up all night perfecting an assignment down to the period; there were times where I spent all my time watching movies on Sehun's laptop while in bed. And on some nights, I would curl up in the white porcelain tub in his bathroom and cry so hard until I felt sick in the stomach. 

I visited Sehun every year on September 21st, no matter what. Sometimes I was alone; sometimes I had company. I would pull away the weeds growing around him and lay down fresh flowers. Then I would sit there the entire day and fill him in on what was happening with the others and myself. When it rained I would simply lay out a raincoat on the grass and hold an umbrella over my head and his tombstone. On some visits I just cried because the longing and guilt overwhelmed me to point whereby if I didn't let those tears out of my system, I would drown inside out.

There was once I wondered what Sehun would major in if he was alive long enough to graduate high school. I couldn't find an answer, because Sehun never showed interest in anything. And also because that was another piece of him that I didn't manage to find. I wondered what kind of job he would get, the kind of woman he would marry and how many children he would have. Sehun once told me he wanted to have two daughters and one son, preferably an older son. And he told me he would love and spoil them so much that he didn't care even if they turned out to be arrogant brats. 

If I had one wish, I would wish for Sehun to be alive. That boy had so much in store for him. If only I had loved him like I should have, if only I had found all of him in time, would his fate be different then?

I went out on a few dates during my four-year course period, but never got into a serious relationship. For one, I wasn't entirely ready. And for two, nobody really pulled me in completely. I still couldn't help but compare those boys to Jongdae, it wasn't a habit anymore, it was more like instinct to me. And none of them were ever as good as him. 

After graduating, I worked at my family's company as planned. I was put in the Public Relations department to learn from one of the long-time workers in the company. My father trusted the head of department a lot, and said that I should learn as much as I could from him before he retired. It was there that I met the man from the hotel elevator after almost six years. It was six years too long, and he wasn't someone that I put effort into remembering, but for some reason, seeing his face again just struck something within me. 

I met him for the first time when I was eighteen and heartbroken, I met him again when I was twenty-four and grown up. Seeing his face made me remember the time I cried like a mad woman at the rooftop pool of some classy hotel. I even remembered our conversation. It was extremely strange because I never thought of him at all during the six years. He was a like a passerby of some sorts, a passerby that my brain just decided to take note of without my knowledge. 

I was formally introduced to the team, and on that night we went out for dinner and a few drinks to commemorate it. I took the chance then to talk to him, to ask if he remembered me. He looked extremely amused when he told me yes. 

"You were that drunk girl that wanted to throw herself over the railings."

"Yes, I was."

"I can't believe it. We must have been really fated to ever see each other again."

"I suppose so. But may I ask what were you doing there? Like, did you have a room there?"

"Yeah, at that time my friends and I were having a party or something. I wanted to go for a swim but the others were too lazy, so I went alone and met you on the way up. You really freaked me out what with your red eyes and make-up and long hair."

"I guessed as much. So, um, my name is Ari."

"I know, everybody knows, to be honest. The big boss' only daughter. I'm Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun."

"Your surname is really unique."

"Yeah, but it's subjected to a lot of puns and embarrassing nicknames."

I took a while to understand what he was referring to. "Oh, now that you mention it, it really is."

"How old are you, by the way?"

"I'm twenty four. You?"

"Twenty seven. And since we met six years ago, you were eighteen, right?"

"Yes."

Baekhyun twisted his lips in thought, which I found to be extremely endearing. "Huh, then you were too young to drink. And you even got drunk!"

"Yeah. I, uh, wasn't really the model student back then."

"Damn. Your parents never said anything? Weren't you afraid something might happen to you?"

"My parents didn't say anything because they didn't know until that night. As for being afraid, I wasn't at all. Back then I always had someone by my side to watch over me." I smiled to myself when I recalled the feeling of Sehun's warm hands on my back. 

"Boyfriend?" I nodded with a small smile. "Are you two still together then?"

"Oh, no, he... passed away six years ago." I absentmindedly swirled the alcohol in my glass. "On the same night we met each other. But I didn't know until a few days later."

Baekhyun's expression reminded me of a kicked puppy. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I took a shot of soju. "So what about you?"

"Me? As in girlfriend?" I nodded. "Oh, none of that. I've been single for the past two years."

"Now that's surprising. How could no one want to date someone like you?"

"It's actually more of me not wanting to date anyone." Baekhyun smiled sheepishly. "But I can already feel that it'll be different now." 

My skin prickled in excitement. "And why's that?"

He just gave me a look and one of his effortlessly charming grins. 

Our private conversation was interrupted by one of the senior employees. "If Ari doesn't get drunk tonight, nobody's going home!"

"Well then all of you best be making calls to your spouses because it'll take a while to get me knocked out."

What I had said was true. I only lost my clarity when it was past two in the morning, after five bottles of soju emptied all on my own. Most of us went home drunk. Only those who were driving abstained from the drinks, Baekhyun was one of those. After bidding goodbye to my seniors, I called the chauffeur to come pick me up. Baekhyun offered to wait with me, but I said it was okay. But maybe because he assumed that I would wake up the next day with no recollections of the previous night, he was suddenly a lot bolder with his words. 

"Don't do this to someone who wants to spend more time with you," he said with a warm smile. "It's not good to be out here alone. Besides, I have no one waiting for me at home, so I can stay with you until your driver comes."

I just smiled and let him stay. He made up for the loss since Sehun wasn't there to keep me safe. 

During my two years in the department, I realised Baekhyun and I never ran out of things to talk about. It was adorable how he always tried to avoid the topic of Sehun even though he didn't know much of it at that time. There was something about Baekhyun that pulled me towards him. I just felt like I wouldn't mind listening to him blabber on like he always did for the rest of my life. So in those two years, I gave my heart to him. 

When he asked me to date him with marriage in mind, he was so shy that his face went red up to his ears. I learned that Baekhyun could be bright, cheerful and make situations funny without even trying. And I learned Baekhyun could be moody for no reason, which would make him extremely quiet, and he could be vulnerable and insecure and scared of things most people overlooked.

While things went smoothly, I tried to make time for Jongin and the others on top of work and my new relationship. Hyesung had become a kindergarten teacher; Yura was a coach at a vocal training school despite being able to get a better job at her family company. Jongin helped his brother out in the company, and Zitao was very naturally working in his family company too.  

When we talked about what had changed most, it was unanimously our lifestyle. We no longer had time to idle nights away at random clubs, and because Hyesung had a job whereby smoking wasn't smiled upon, she naturally had to cut down a lot. Most of them were dating now, even Jongin, who had finally gotten over his crush on me, though, it would be injustice to call it a mere crush since it lasted for years. 

Still being able to keep in touch with everyone surprised me. I had expected us to just slowly fade away from each other's lives. Though we definitely weren't as tight-knitted as before, we still had plenty of things to talk about. And whenever we had one of our little gatherings, none of us wanted to leave. Being with them reminded me of Sehun, who still brought a wrench to my heart. 

There was a period of time that I felt guiltier than ever because I was living such a good life without him. The peak of that time was on a day I was over at Baekhyun's on a lazy Sunday. I was suddenly so overwhelmed while I was lying on the couch watching the rerun of some drama serial that I started to outright sob. Baekhyun was so frightened and bewildered at the same time because he had been cooking peacefully until then. 

He came over to hold me while asking what was wrong, or if the drama was a sad one and that was why I was crying. When I had calmed down, I fully opened up to him about Sehun. 

I felt like I had betrayed him or something. That I shouldn't have the right to be so contented with what I had. I've blamed myself since the day I found out he died. He left me in an open-ended situation, and if I had loved him faithfully, I wouldn't have felt the need to be guilty at all. But that wasn't the case. While Sehun treated me with nothing but sincerity, my heart was off chasing another man, and the remorse never left me alone. It was always there, underneath a blanket of forced ignorance. And there were days where that ignorance wore thin, and I fell prey to those emotions.

Those days came often even as the years went by. 

After four years of dating, Baekhyun and I got engaged and married shortly after. It was only when we bought ourselves an apartment and got all the furniture set up that I finally moved out of Sehun's home. I could never bring myself to live somewhere else, and the move to my new home scared me so much.

Jongin was right when he said I had made a home out of my sorrow. Counting back from the year I got married, it had been a decade since we had that conversation. And it had been a decade since I have kept myself locked up in that sorrow-turned-home. I cried as I set my foot past the front door. During the few days we first moved in, I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to move back to the old home. But if I told Baekhyun that he would get insecure and ask if we had progressed too quickly, and if I realised that he wasn't the one for me. It wasn't the case, and I didn't want Baekhyun to torment himself with those questions because I truly loved him. 

Two months after moving in, I managed to rid myself of the urge to run back home. But on some nights I would wake up crying because I would dream that Sehun was upset that I left him behind like that. And I also felt so bad for Baekhyun because he had to wake up to soothe my cries. I was afraid that he might get tired of my sudden breakdowns and outbursts, but during the numerous times those things happened, he never once complained and just held me in his arms.

My condition started deteriorating so much that I couldn't sleep at night and because of the intangible ache in my chest. I ended up trying to distract myself with physical pain. And it was on the first night of my attempt did I see Sehun, still an eighteen year old dressed in our old high school uniform, standing across the twenty eight year old me in the bathroom. He stared at me with an expressionless look while I suppressed my cries and the blade in my grasp trembled. Why did he follow me to my new home? Why did he choose to appear only during those times? Was he trying to dissuade me or encourage me?

The distraction worked. My mind was focused on the burning pain on my skin than the ache in my chest. If Baekhyun saw it he would freak out, so I always made it a point to hide them. Eventually he managed to find out while we were out shopping together. He unknowingly tugged me by my wrist to lead me into a store, but I had yelped in pain when he did so. I suppose he had some sort of suspicions because of my breakdowns, so he pulled up my sleeve immediately after that.

I was afraid he'd find me disgusting or he'd think there was no hope and give up on me. That was part of the reason why I wanted so badly to hide it from him. Baekhyun drove us home afterwards, then sat me down on the bed to talk things through. He told me how much it hurt him that I had resorted to a method of relief rather than opening up to him. I had let Baekhyun talk me into seeing a psychiatrist. I felt so ashamed when I stepped into the office; a grown woman unable to deal with her own problems.

Baekhyun was very supportive throughout my "recovery" period. I was prescribed sleeping pills so I would be less tempted to sneak into the bathroom to harm myself. I barely took them, because I didn't want to be over-reliant on them. My insomnia didn't go away, but at least I had stopped going to the bathroom for that kind of relief. Baekhyun held me tightly in his arms every night, and he would pat my back to lull me to sleep, but he always ended up the one sleeping first.

I felt so sorry towards him. I didn't marry him so he could shoulder my burden. I didn't agree to spend the rest of my life to him so he could stand with me in the rain until I died. Baekhyun deserved someone better, someone who didn't require so much time and attention, I felt like I was tying him down. But Baekhyun could read me like an open book. And he said this to me:

"I love you. I love all of you. And I will hold every piece of you in my hand as long as you hold mine."

Half a year later, a baby came along. I figured that was the best distraction that I could have from those negative thoughts. Thinking of ways to break the news to Baekhyun and how he would react kept me awake for a whole night, but for once, I was glad to be up and not thinking about Sehun. He had noticed that and asked if was because I missed Sehun. I just remained silent and wrapped my arms around his waist. When I finally told him the next morning, Baekhyun couldn't stop smiling and breaking out into delighted laughter during random moments. 

On the same day, I visited Sehun and our home. I told him I was expecting, and that I was probably four weeks into my pregnancy. As usual, I spent the entire day there and left in the evening for his house. It had been a while since I went back, so there was a bit of cleaning up to do. Apart from vacuuming, I left Sehun's room the way it was; laptop open on the table, bed unmade, a basketball underneath, parts of his school uniform hung haphazardly on the coat rack. And before I left, I visited his bathroom. I the faucet for the showerhead and gave the tub a good rinse. I even traced my finger over his carvings to make sure it was still there. 

Until today that house remained my property. I never once considered selling it off. The house will forever be my and Sehun's haven. Nobody is allowed to enter except the two of us. No exceptions. 

During my nine-month pregnancy, the remaining four of our clique had gotten married. We were all saying that the baby boy I was carrying was little cupid. It was so bizarre how they all planned their weddings within those nine months.

Jongin's was the first. As expected, the wedding was extremely grand. I attended with my family and Baekhyun. Jongdae was there with his wife and two daughters, one seven and one five, so my mother had told me. I caught his eye once in a while, but I avoided conversing with him and just glued myself to Baekhyun.

Hyesung was second; I attended when I was four months pregnant. Baekhyun couldn't come with me because of a meeting, so Jongin watched over me like he always did when we were young. I met a lot of our old classmates. Yura was third at my sixth month mark. I almost couldn't attend Zitao's because I was so heavily pregnant that my mother really discouraged me from going. Baekhyun was reluctant as well, but didn't try to stop me and just said to be careful and avoid standing for too long. 

The five of us had really grown. It still shocked me that we had made it so far together, and our high school days felt like it was ages ago. We've all changed in many different ways, yet things still felt the same. 

My son was born on the Christmas morning of 2013 at 10:32AM. Hyunjae was perfectly healthy baby, clocked in at 6.8 pounds and a length of 20 inches. None of us had preference for the gender; we just wanted a healthy baby above everything, although sometimes what Sehun said about having a boy first then two girls did come to my mind.

At his baby shower, I finally mustered enough courage to let myself be talked to by Jongdae. He said I grew up so fast, and that it seemed like just yesterday we were children, now I was a mother. We just engaged in small talk, and it was then that I realised I really missed how close we were back then. I couldn't believe how much time had passed. I was now a mother and a wife, and just like Jongdae had said, it felt like just yesterday I had graduated high school. 

Jongdae continued to occupy a special place in my heart. Sehun continued to live in me. I am now a twenty nine year old woman, but in my memories he remains a fragile eighteen-year-old boy.  

There are still nights where I wake up crying. And like I told myself in the past, Sehun is an emotional baggage that I have to carry for the rest of my life. But at least now there's Baekhyun to share the weight with. At some point I stopped feeling like I burdened him because I was just so sure that he’d love me no matter what. 

Growing up, I have learned many things. And it was all those lessons and nights spent questioning my existence and picking apart my flaws that I stand where I am today. Things could've gone better, and I could have been a better friend, girlfriend and daughter. 

I have many regrets. I have many moments I wish to return to if I was given a second chance. But all I can do is feel bad whenever I think of those moments, and all I can do is cry when I miss someone. If I were younger, I would’ve jumped at any opportunity to go back and fix my mistakes. But now I have more reasons to stay. People now depend on me. My three month old son needs me to raise him well, Baekhyun depends on me as much as I depend on him to rub my back when I cry, my parents depend on me to be a daughter they can be proud of, my employees and even their families depend on the money I pay them to put food on the table.

When your life takes a plunge and you feel like you can never get back up, you're wrong. You will climb up, slowly and painfully, it will seem like forever but you will get up. You will spend nights crying in bed and asking yourself where you went wrong, you will spend days living while wishing you were dead. But it only ends when you die. So as long as you keep breathing, things will get better, even though it takes a while for you to live normally, it will go back to normal. Nobody waits for you; the world doesn't stop spinning on its axis just because you're sad. It's hard to forget someone you love, and to me, it's outright impossible. But you don't have to forget, you just get used to the absence. You're going to have to it up and keep walking, or crawl if you have to. 

It'll be okay. 

Even if at that time you think it won't, it will. You can't go back to the way things exactly used to be, but you'll find that after some time, you don't really want things to be exactly the way it used to be anymore. 

And that, is what I learnt.