It was a few weeks before the torrential rains would flood the streets of Seoul, when they first met.

The beginning of summer in Seoul was actually nice, with clear skies and temperature just perfect for taking walks or biking by the Hangang. Minseok did neither, but he enjoyed the weather anyway. He stopped in front of one of the residential buildings in this part of town and sighed as he thought about how he was going to be stuck in a room full of people for the next few hours, but he had promised his friend that he was definitely going this week. Of course, Luhan thought it was a brilliant idea to finally host the housewarming party he had been planning for months now, because Minseok rarely ever went to gatherings like this one, and he felt that it was his duty to make this night count.

There were more people than usual, and place was already in full swing and he felt like he should just turn around and go back to his apartment. Chanyeol found him first and after some introductions and a very awkward moment when a couple of girls tried to get his number, he found a spot near the windows, and admired the night view of the city from his seat. He was about to take another swig from his drink when he felt someone stand right next to him. The girl gave him a small smile but it wasn’t until she asked him what time it was that he realized that her eyes were probably the kindest ones he had ever seen in his life.

“Nine-thirty,” He said.

She gave him another of her smiles, a bigger one this time, and he felt like an idiot because he wanted to talk to her more, but he didn’t know what to say. He pursed his lips instead and just focused on the sweat of his hand mixing with the moisture of the bottle he was holding.

“I don’t like parties very much…do you?”

He looked at her, lips slightly parted, not quite sure if she was talking to him, if she really did say something or he was just desperate for her not to leave, and now he was imagining her talking to him.

“You don’t look like the party-goer to me. I’m Dasom.” She said.

Love, in old Korean, he thought. “Minseok.”

They talked a little bit more, and he found himself relaxing. There was something about the way she spoke, the way she didn’t laugh at him when he fumbled with his words, the way her eyes would seem to shine when something that he had said would be of particular interest to her, and crazy enough, he had a lot of those tonight. People came and went, and they sat there for hours, drinks forgotten.

“Do you want to, go out and eat with me or something?” She asked.

“Now?”

“No, next year.”

“Oh.”

She laughed, and it sounded like the tinkling of a thousand glass bells. “Yes, now. Luhan decided to go fancy and served those weird finger foods. I’m really craving for something deep fried right now.”

He swallowed and he had to give it to her for not faltering even if it probably took him a full, agonizing minute to gather about his wits and answer.

“Yeah, I’d love to.”

They ended up eating sushi at the Japanese restaurant that was open 24/7 by the subway, and stayed there until the wee hours of the morning.

“I’ve had a crush on you since my junior year in university.” She said.

He choked on his drink. “What?”

Her pinks were a little pink, but that might have been due to the copious amounts of alcohol they have both consumed for the last couple of hours. “Luhan and I were in the same classes. I’ve seen you with him but never had the courage to walk up to you and such. That and the fact that you had a girlfriend.” She added shyly.

He did the math in his head and stared at her in disbelief. “You’re joking right?”

“No…Although, I did go to a lot of Luhan’s parties mostly because I was hoping I’d bump into you.”

“But that would mean, you’ve had a crush on me for three years.”

She laughed again, and it reminded him of spring, of beautiful colors, sweet melons and clusters of cherry blossoms. It was so beautiful, so of full of life. He felt himself gravitating towards her more, he wanted to hear her laugh again. He thought about how his day would have ended up differently if he decided to just go home.

“I did go out with some guys who actually noticed my existence...but it was a nice surprise when I saw you earlier,”

“I’m really glad you talked to me.”

“Me too,” She tucked her hair behind her ears, “Although, I got discouraged a little bit, for someone who doesn’t go out a lot, you are pretty popular.”

He laughed. “I could have been going to other places you know!”

“Nah,” She gave him a sideway glance, “I kind of ask Luhan about you every now and then.”

“Wow, I have a stalker.”

“Ardent admirer, not stalker!”

“Hey it’s ok, I’m flattered, actually. If somebody’s going to be asking around about me it might as well be someone as pretty as you are.”

He tried to make it sound casual, but their gazes locked and her eyes were clear and her face had turned into a deep shade of crimson and he knew it was not the sake this time. They both laughed and a couple of other people from the far corner of the restaurant craned their heads to look at them.

“Anyway. Your…girlfriend, are you guys still together or what?”

Minseok gave her a sad smile. “She got married two months ago.”

For the first time since they started talking, she didn’t know what to say. He thought it was adorable, the way her eyes got bigger and how she bit her lip.

“It’s ok…it just didn’t work out.” He said.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He glanced at his watch. “Hey. Should I take you home? I mean, walk you to your house. Or we can take a cab if it’s too far too walk.” He covered his face with his hands and they both giggled, “You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I think it’s time to go home. I am so buzzed.” She said.

She lived a few blocks from where they were, and all too soon they were standing in front of her apartment building. Minseok asked her if she wanted a cup of coffee before they went their separate ways.

“Coffee?” She asked, “How in the world am I going to sleep later if I get my caffeine fix at 4 in the morning?”

He pulled her gently by the elbow, on to the sidewalk, away from oncoming traffic. Which at this time of the day, wasn’t really that much. Any excuse to touch her and see how he felt.

It was nice, he thought.

“I don’t know…you can give me your number. We can text each other. I’m pretty boring so I can bet you you’ll be asleep in no time.”

She looked at him, her eyes twinkling. It could have been the light from the lamp post, Minseok wasn’t sure. “What kind of bet are we talking about?” She asked.

“If you don’t fall asleep quickly enough, you’ll have to go out with me again.” He had no idea where all his courage was coming from, but he was enjoying himself and her laughter was encouragement enough.

“How is this bet supposed to be in my favor if I win?” She laughed again, and Minseok thought that he could get used to hearing that.

“If you win you get to pick where can have dinner.”

Then they felt drops of water on their faces, and they both looked up, unbelieving that the rains were starting so early this year. They found a convenience store and grabbed their cheap cups of coffee, and by the time Minseok was in bed that early Saturday morning, Dasom had already won their betting game, and they were going to see each other again next Friday night, at seven.

“Dasom, wait. What’s wrong?” He asked. They were on hike, a hike for crying out loud, Minseok thought, and here she was ignoring him, fuming as they walked.

“Nothing.”

He sighed.

The leaves of the tall, thin trees on both sides of the forest trail they were walking at was a burst of oranges, yellows, pinks and browns, and the cool, brisk wind was pleasant on his skin. There were other people walking about and enjoying the day, but she was the only one with a face like a thundercloud.

They’ve been together for a little over a year now, and he knew that when she was quiet like this, the way she walked a little faster so he was a few paces behind, that it wasn’t just nothing.

“Come on, tell me,”

She rounded on him and he was taken aback with the faint tracks of tears shining on her face.

“What am I to you?” She asked, her voice breaking.

He frowned. “What do you mean?” He reached out for her but she backed away, further from his reach.

“What are we doing?” She angrily brushed the tears that kept on falling and threw her hands in the air, “This! We see each other all the time, I have stuff in your apartment and half the clothes in your closet is in mine, you and I are one another’s plus ones to the four weddings this past year that we’ve been invited to, I’ve met your parents and my dad wants you to come to dinner again this week, but really, Minseok, what am I to you?”

She had raised her voice and he didn’t know which was worse, the people who were gawking or those who were pretending not to stare.

“Come on, let’s go somewhere where we can talk,” He said quietly.

The sorrow in her eyes struck something in his chest, and he knew he ought to say something else, but the guilt was now a big lump in his throat. Because he knew, that in spite of all the excuses he had made up in his mind, that she was right. They were a couple in everything but name. At first he argued that it was just a label, and what was important was how they felt about each other. He refused to admit that he was scared to commit, it terrified him to put a name on what they had. He felt that making it formal jinxed the whole thing. It was stupid logic, if you can call it that, but being in a relationship meant that they might one day break up.

Having a beginning meant there had to be an ending.

Seeing her so hurt like this though, made him think that maybe taking that risk might well be worth it, if only he can make her happy again.

She took a deep breath. “What am I to you?” She asked in a whisper.

“Dasom…”

She shook her head and smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. “It’s ok…I-I’ll see you around.”

He stood there and watched her walk away, and he had never felt so blue, in spite of the myriad of colors over his head.

For weeks she refused to take his calls, and avoided him when he tried to visit her at work and her flat mate never seemed to have any idea as to where she might be whenever he went to her place to maybe try and work things out.

“You’re an idiot,” Chanyeol said, “How she stayed with you for so long with the way you treated her, is still a mystery to me.”

Minseok frowned. “You make me sound like a jerk,”

“Aren’t you?”

“Luhan. You’re supposed to be helping me figure this out.”

He had reluctantly gone to one of Luhan’s weekly parties, because he was at a loss, and it had been far too long since he last saw or talk to Dasom. His friends had convinced him to come with promises that she had been invited, and most probably will come. They were standing in the kitchen, by the island, drinks in hand.

“Minseok. Women are…complex creatures. I mean, where do I begin…one minute they’re happy and the next they want to rip your head off. They can be the sweetest thing in the world but trust me when I say that you don’t want to piss them off.”

“So is that all? She’s angry? Because I don’t want to call her my girlfriend?”

“Wow, this is gold. You really are dumber than you look.”

“Chanyeol, shut up,” Luhan said, “It’s more than that. We live in a world that is obsessed with labels. My lunch gets stolen from the pantry and I put my name on it in both Hangul and Hanja! And that’s just a couple of crappy sandwiches that I slapped together.”

He stared at him, brows furrowed. “I don’t get it,”

“Obviously.”

“Chanyeol!” Both Luhan and Minseok looked livid.

“What?” Chanyeol asked with wide eyes. “Do you know how hard it is to restrain myself from physically harming you? Put yourself in her shoes. You guys walk into a party and all the girls are going crazy because let’s say theoretically, you’re good looking and stuff, and they’re asking who you are and if you guys are together and . She can’t say you’re her boyfriend, because obviously you’re an idiot and you refused to be labeled as such,” He curled his fingers to make air quotes and rolled his eyes, “Then you’re fair game. She needs to know her place in your life, man. And please don’t start about how what really matters is how you love each other blah blah blah because that may be true for the both of you, but it’s a different world now. The people outside your little love circle is the problem. She’s worried about those other girls who refuse to respect your…good grief, what do I even call whatever it is that you guys are in?”

“That was probably the longest speech that you have ever given that actually made sense,” Luhan said, almost in awe, “Wow.”

With round eyes, Chanyeol clutched his chest in mock disappointment. “I am offended that this is the first time you have paid attention to my pearls of wisdom!”

“Sorry, the manic gleam in your eyes and all that teeth in your mouth usually distracts me when you talk.”

Minseok’s laughter died in his throat when he saw Dasom walk in, arm in arm with a man that towered over her, almost as fair as she was, with dark, thick eyebrows and an aquiline nose. A little part of him died when he saw how her eyes were bright with laughter, and then anger and jealousy churned at the pit of his stomach.

“Oh, she’s here,” Luhan said, “Come on, let me introduce you-“

He didn’t hear what else his friend had to say, he had slammed his glass down on the granite counter top and was making his way to the living room.

“Minseok, wait! Don’t be an idiot, wait!”

He bumped into a couple of people, but he didn’t care. Dasom’s eyes found his and she tiptoed to whisper something to the man next to her. He didn’t know if it was because they were standing too close to one another, or the way the man sized him up as he approached, but he was ready to punch something, or someone.

“Can we talk?” He asked her.

The man raised his eyebrows at her, a small smile on his lips. Dasom frowned, and nodded. “Can it wait? We kind of just got here and my-“

“No, it can’t. Everybody here knows we’re together and you’ll waltz in with this guy here, so it can’t damn wait.” He said through clenched teeth.

Luhan and Chanyeol had caught up with him and everyone else was staring. The living room suddenly felt too crowded and too hot, and the background music too loud.

Luhan tugged at his sleeve and whispered to him. “Dude, seriously, it’s-“

“Excuse me? Everybody here asks if we’re together, so if I were you I’d think about-“

“Dasom,” The man said, Minseok saw red when he leaned down and placed a kiss on her temple, “it’s ok, you guys go ahead and talk.”

There were gasps and cries all around when his fist made contact with the guy’s face, and he crashed against the coffee table when he was punched and pushed back. It only took a second for some of the guests to recover from shock and pull them apart, and Luhan dragged him back to the kitchen.

“You’re paying for that table!” His friend half-screamed, “I told you to wait and you go in there punching my guests like a mad man!”

He wiped his mouth and pressed kitchen towel roll against the bleeding wound. “I’ll pay for the stupid table. But maybe I should punch your pretty little face first for making me come here in the first place! Why didn’t you tell me she was coming with someone?”

“You! We need to talk!”

They both turned to Dasom in surprise, her hair a little wild, set in a tight line.

“I think she meant you, Minseok,” Luhan said dryly, “I’ll be in the living room when you’re done with stupid here,” He said to her.

Minseok and Dasom both watched their disgruntled host walk out to the living room, where the party had resumed to its previous state before the scuffle.

“Let me see that,” She said.

His breath hitched a little when she came closer, her cool fingers on his lips. She was very close now and a slight whiff of her perfume just about drove him crazy. He could see the freckle under her right eye, and he didn’t care if she was seeing another man, he wanted to touch her, hold her forever and never let her go.

“I miss you,” He blurted out, “You don’t answer my calls, and I’ve been sending you flowers and your flat mate is a horrible person, I think she knows where you are when I go there to try to talk to you but she just doesn’t want to tell me. I miss you.”

Her eyes softened and her cheeks were dusted with pink under the intensity of his gaze. “Me too.” She said.

It was a constant ache in his chest. He was always thinking about her, wondering about what she was doing, if she was thinking about him, too. He stayed awake most nights, and the days went by like a blur.

 “I’m sorry, about everything. Just please, give me another chance. I’ll do anything, whatever you want,” he pleaded.

Her lips trembled and her eyes shone with tears and he panicked. “What is it? Baby, don’t cry, I’m really sorry,”

He didn’t know what else to do, so he kissed her.

The familiar warmth washed all over him, and he felt his knees getting weak. He pressed his lips softly at the corner of at first, and then harder, more eager. Her hands were tangled in his hair and his arms were around her waist and his hands were pressing against her back, pulling her closer. He gently nibbled on her lower lip and she made a soft sound that made him want to take her away from here, to a place where it would just be the two of them.

“Ahem.”

They both jumped and Chanyeol tried, but failed miserably, not to laugh.

“Jerk,” Minseok muttered.

Chanyeol raised his palms up in the air. “Don’t blame me, her brother wants to talk to her.”

“Her what?”

“Her brother, the guy you pummeled earlier.”

“Oh.”

“How long are you in town for, again?” The sound of Luhan’s rapid chatter interrupted their conversation and they all turned to look at him as he entered the kitchen, Dasom’s brother in tow.

“I’m actually leaving tonight, Dasom just insisted that I come here tonight for a while to meet someone.” At this he looked pointedly at Minseok.

The tension was so palpable and Minseok didn’t know if he either wanted to curl up and die, or for the earth to split in half and swallow him alive. There was awkward silence and Chanyeol grabbed a drink and started chugging it down and was about to leave if not for Luhan’s death grip on his arm.

“Minseok, this is my brother, Kris.” She smiled and wrapped her fingers around his. “Oppa, this is-“

“Kim Minseok,” He held out his free hand, “I’m her boyfriend. And uh, sorry about earlier.”

Chanyeol sprayed the liquid out from his mouth, Luhan made choking noises at the back of his throat and her brother might have warned him about getting all his teeth knocked out if he ever made Dasom cry again, but he was too absorbed by the smile on her face and the way she held on to him, like she never wanted to let go, either.

She moved in with him that winter, and life was good. Actually, life was perfect. They would hold each other close in the alcove by their living room window, just watching the snow cover the world in white.

It was during one of those moments when he asked her what had been on his mind for a while.

“Why me?” He ran his fingers through her hair, and she hummed in contentment. “Luhan said there were so many guys after you…why did you choose me?”

She had her back pressed against his chest, their legs tangled together as they watched the evening traffic down the street from their window.

“I didn’t, at first. It was just a crush that wouldn’t go away, I guess? But as I started to get to know you better, it wasn’t even a question anymore. You were…so easy to love.”

“Why? Tell me…” He insisted.

“Because you were the most sincere. I never had to be careful about how I felt about you, even if, you were scared about committing at first. There were just so many things that made me fall more a little bit each time.” She said.

They stayed indoors most of the time, sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows and tall dollops of whipped cream. She cooked him elaborate meals and he washed the dishes, they watched movies well into the night and stayed up talking. It was a struggle to get out of bed every morning so he can go to work, when she was right next to him, so warm and soft, and he would hurry home every evening, knowing that she might already be there waiting.

They fought and argued like most couples, and she disliked that he wasn’t an outdoorsy person like she was. It drove him crazy that she chose to be quiet and ignore him when something was bothering her. His parents always hinted about wanting grandchildren, and her dad didn’t like the idea that his precious daughter had now moved in with Minseok, and wasn’t very shy about letting his sentiments known. She wanted two kids, he wanted none, she disliked dogs and he begged for them to adopt one. He liked his things neat and organized, she struggled to sort their laundry and turned a couple of his white dress shirts pink.

But how he loved it when she sang while he played the piano. Or how she managed to find the silver lining in a sky full of dark, angry clouds. The way she talked in her sleep and how beautiful she looked in all shades of red. Or how she takes time off from her busy schedule to take his mother to afternoon tea or shopping. Like her, there so many things that made him fall a little bit harder, each time.

He wasn’t sure if it was during one of their walks under the cherry blossoms that spring or when they kissed under a sudden rain shower the following summer, when he realized that to all those people he had given his heart to, it was Dasom that held the biggest piece of all. It was the piece that made him want to be alive and not just exist, the piece that made him want to be a better person, the piece that made him see all that was beautiful in the world.

They were supposed to meet by the subway, to eat at the sushi place where they had their first meal together. Minseok had been waiting for almost an hour, when his phone rang. He knew he ought to pick up, it was probably Dasom, just running late.

He didn’t know why he suddenly felt cold all over, and it had nothing to do with the bitter December wind, when he pressed the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

His knees almost gave way at the sight of her so frail and broken in the hospital bed.

There were so many tangled tubes around her it took all that he had not to rip them off, because they seemed like they were the ones causing her pain. She had a neck brace, the right side of her head have been shaved and there was a big,red wound on it with so many stitches he had to look at something else because he was beginning to panic and hyperventilate. 

There was not a spot on her body, that did not seem bruised, broken or scratched. One of her eyes was so swollen that he doubted she would be able to open it even if she tried. She was black and blue all over, her nose looked bent and there was a huge cut on her lip.

“It was a drunk driver…” Kris said.

Hysterical laughter threatened to bubble up his throat; none of these things mattered now. There was only one thing he needed to know.

“When?” He whispered.

Kris furrowed his brows. “I’m not sure when it happened but she was on her way-“

“No, when is she going to wake up?”

Her dad and brother looked at each other and the older man placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We don’t know, son…We don’t know.”

It was her favorite piece, and it gave him the chills when for the first time, he realized that it was about saying goodbye and letting go and bravely facing the world on your own.

“Am I a bad person?”

He choked on his own tears and the sound of piano keys being mashed together echoed in the living room. Chanyeol and Luhan looked at each other, at a loss for words. Outside, the world went on, snow falling softly, every surface now coated with powdery white flakes.

“N-no,” Luhan stammered, “you’re not. Why would you say that?”

He banged the ivory keys with his fist, over and over, and notes that did not belong together resonated in the air. Chanyeol hesitated for a moment before hauling him away, and only let go when he had calmed down a little. The tears continued to fall, his face buried in his hands.

“I was going to ask her to marry me…” He said in a strangled whisper.

That was the year Minseok started to hate winter.

Some people didn’t like hospitals, the smell of antiseptic that hung in the air, the stark whiteness of the walls and floors and the dull, tired faces of every nurse and doctor in the halls were constant reminders of illnesses that claim time away from loved ones, and at extreme cases, even lives. It was a place of painful, invasive procedures and medicine that are thick and bitter and hard to swallow.

He feels the same way, but after a full day of the necessary evil called work, he would rush off to the hospital and spend the remainder of his evening there. Everyone knew him by name, nobody bothered him anymore when it was past visiting hours.

He would talk to her about mundane things like traffic, their pet dog, his boring job, music and the weather. He would eat his dinner right next to her hospital bed, a place set up for her too, just in case. He would lie down next to her sometimes, just watching the rise and fall of her chest, making sure that she really was still alive. He would touch her hair and trace her features with his eyes, and he would whisper things about forever and always and how he’ll never let her go.

Most of the time, he would just beg her to wake up.

Tonight was an especially rough night for him. Several of his projects have fallen through, the cold winter nights were harsh on a person who sleeps alone in a huge bed, their pet dog, Simba, had been sick too, and he was just feeling terribly lonely. Nothing right seemed to be going his way and he was fraying at the edges, the tears in his soul were beginning to show.

“Babe…wake up…please, wake up?” He cried softly, his tears soaking the shoulder of her hospital gown.

He knew in his heart of hearts that she was never coming back. It never hurt to hope though, or so he thought. It was mid-July when they finally laid her to rest.

Of course, it had to rain.

The minister’s voice rang in the air, but it was all so surreal, with the people in black and the quiet sobbing of her father.

For the next few years of his life, the summers would be the season that would be the hardest for him to go through.

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven,”

He didn’t understand why she had to go so early. Some days were harder than most, and when it was a particularly bad day, it felt strange, yet somewhat familiar.

Think about how you feel when you reach the last page of the final installment of a really good book series, when you refuse to read the ending, because when you were done, what else is left for you to do? Will there be another title just as good, or will the author come up with more stories to fill your curiosity and the longing in your heart? Or when the credits roll after the last airing of your favorite drama, and there is suddenly more free time than you would care to have? Or when a friend leaves and you didn’t have the chance to say goodbye, to tell this dear friend to take care, be well, and you wish that they didn’t have to go, because things will different when they’re not around, and you’re not really sure if you can cope.

Only this was much worse.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up;

Minseok tried to look for things that might fill the void in his chest, and he went about his days doing nothing and everything with all the time that he didn’t have, but he still went to bed every night feeling hollow.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance,”

Often, in the very early hours of the morning, he would walk around their apartment like a ghost, touching every piece of furniture, he would run his fingers against the walls and the curtains, and tears would run freely down his face. It was during these moments when reality would him like a ton of bricks and he would find himself crouched on the floor, trying to nurse a broken heart, but no matter what he does or doesn’t, he knew it will never heal.

He would always be broken.

It was the most beautiful time of the year, the wind was cool and the sun bright and warm. The bouquet of white lilies in his hand was bright against the colors of autumn all around. He placed it by her tombstone and Luhan, who stood next to him, sighed.

“How true,” Luhan murmured.

“What?”

“The inscription on her tombstone, who decided on that?”

            “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal”

“Her dad…he asked me if that was ok. I agreed.” Minseok answered quietly.

“I still can’t believe sometimes that she’s gone,” Luhan said softly.

Minseok nodded. He should have visited her alone, but it was too early for him to do that. His eyes started to prickle, and he choked back a sob that had been building up since his friends had picked him up from his, no, their (it will always be his and Dasom’s) apartment. He felt a heavy arm on his shoulders, and looked up at Chanyeol’s serene face.

“She’s not…She’ll always be around…” He said.

He thought about the thousands of kisses she had showered on his face, and that in the summer, every single drop of rain that would touch his skin would remind him of every single one of those kisses. The watermelons would remind him of the color of her lips, sweet and red. Summer was when they first met, when their season of love began.

She would be the lone leaf on the big tree in front of their apartment building that will cling on and on, until fall finally claims it as its own.

Dasom would be in the very air that he breathes, she will be the ray of sunshine that will warm his face and cold hands on a perfect winter’s day. She would be in every little thing that signals the coming of the season of new beginnings, her face will bloom with the flowers, come spring. He will hear her voice every morning when the birds sing, and at night, he will cry himself to sleep, just thinking about her.

When the tears won’t come anymore, he would get angry at himself for stopping to mourn his great, big, love that has gone. He would move on with his life, but Dasom would be in his heart, she would be in every season that he would go through.

“Yeah,” he said, “She’ll always be around.”