Jonghyun realizes something isn’t right very early on in his life. He’s not sure what it is, just that he’s not comfortable with himself. When he looks in the mirror every morning something just doesn’t seem to match up. He confides in his friends during a sleepover and they don’t react like he’d hoped. They poke fun at him, call him weird. He doesn’t bring it up with them again.

He’s in high school by the time he finds out why he feels the way he does. Gender Identity Disorder is what the school appointed therapist called it. He doesn’t like that name at all; it makes him think of a disease, and that’s not right. He doesn’t feel sick at all, just stuck in the wrong packaging. Girl brain, boy body. Like there was a mix up somewhere along the human assembly line. 

When he tells his parents about it they completely pass over him. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re fine.” his mother says,”What are they filling your heads with in school nowadays?” his father says, a little more cross about it. Jonghyun had hoped for acceptance, support. Instead he’s met with disdain and invalidation. He shuts up about it.

It’s not until Jonghyun moves away to college that he starts trying to be someone else. No, not someone else, just who he feels he should be. The first day of class he shows up in a skirt, swiped secretly from his sister, with his eyes lined subtly and a little clip in his hair. He gets a lot of looks for it, whispers and side glances mostly. Nobody talks to him, and he feels awkward. But somehow he feels more secure in himself.

He keeps doing it, and it feels better each time. He buys clothes from the little thrift store down the street from his apartment. He’s discovered he likes baggy sweaters a lot because of how they hide him, and sundresses with pretty floral patterns. He still gets looks and shady comments when he goes to class, or anywhere really, but they’re starting to mean less and less to him. 

Her.

The first person she talks too is the boy that sits beside her. She’s wearing her hair up today because it’s finally grown long enough to do so, and he compliments her on it. Jonghyun doesn’t believe he’s talking to her at first, until the guy leans over to catch her eye.

"I said your hair looks nice today."

"O-oh.",she stutters, "Thank you."

He smiles at her acknowledgement of him and leans back into his seat. They sit in silence until he leans over again and whispers to her.

"I’m Taemin." he says.

"I’m Jong-" Something clicks in her head then. This boy doesn’t know her at all. She can be whoever she wants to be, who she feels she should be. If she’s going to really do this, maybe she should start new. "Junghee. My name is Kim Junghee."

It feels so right to say that. So natural. And Taemin accepts it without question. When Junghee gets home that day she says it over and over to herself. She needs to get used to it, to herself, and it just feels so good on her tongue.

Six months later she’s finding out it feels even better on Taemin’s. He sighs it into as they kiss, Junghee pressed into the couch cushions with Taemin hovering over. It had all moved so fast. From casual classroom chatter, to laughing over coffee, procrastinating on their homework together. When Taemin had asked her on a real date she almost threw up. 

She wraps her arms tighter around his neck and pulls him against her. Taemin’s hands bring her legs to circle his hips as he presses down. Junghee has a tent in her skirt that she keeps trying to hide, but the other pulls her hands away each time and whispers to her,things about how lovely she is and how cute when she’s embarrassed. Taemin grinds his hips down and she whimpers at the friction. His hands slide up Junghee’s thighs under her skirt, and he has his fingers hooked into her underwear when she stops him.

"Wait, stop. I can’t. I’m not-" suddenly she’s shaking with nerves. Taemin tries his best to calm her.

"Shh Junghee, it’s okay. We don’t have to do this yet." he says, and kisses her forehead while she sniffles.

"I’m sorry." she whispers.

"Nothing to be sorry about."

Junghee still feels guilty, but Taemin’s arms make her feel a bit safer. Just his presence calms her down when she’s having bad days. She thinks sometimes maybe she shouldn’t get too attached to Taemin, that this is probably just a fleeting infatuation. But then there are times where she knows Taemin likes her, loves her maybe, despite what she’s going through. When he squeezes her hand in his and kisses the top of her head, hope blooms warm in her chest.

She’s not quite herself yet, not who she feels she should be. But Taemin doesn’t seem to mind helping her along for the trip, so she thinks maybe it would be nice to have the company.