As I said, this is a dedication to AlexisLight. Thank you for always being there for me. I know that you are not in the happiest place right now, so please know that I am here for you whenever you need me. I think you'll figure out why this is dedicated to you, except the chosen pair. At least I hope you will. xoxo

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Whenever Jongin felt sad, instead of crying, he’d dance. Swift movements across a dark room, trembling hands, quiet sobs; instead of just breaking down and start crying until the sun sent his rays through dusty windows, Jongin would express his feelings by moving along to a certain beat that made his heart melt, yet embrace his sorrowful state.

Today, he felt like that. However, it was different now; his pain was not caused by a bad grade or a simple fight with his parents -  no, his heart was all broken into tiny little pieces creating a puzzle which had yet to be solved.

Kyungsoo tore his world apart, and yes, it sounds dramatic, but Jongin was sensitive – everything had a huge impact on him. The way the wind made the leaves dance on a late afternoon in April could make his heart jump in excitement.

The same way, Kyungsoo deciding to leave Jongin in order to go to college was like the fragile colorful wings of a butterfly were ripped apart, therefore giving it no choice but to stop living.

Walking across an empty dance studio, he looked at his reflection in the clear mirror. His face was swollen – his soul seemed troubled, imprinting every worry, every tear on his pale figure. It was late at night, as Jongin felt safer like that. During the day, someone could find him, and then they’ll figure out that something’s wrong, that he’s not the same.

That was troublesome, hence the silver light of the full moon was everything he needed right then. Connecting his phone to the black speakers placed in one of the lonely corners, he sighed. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s done that – must’ve been a while. Kyungsoo gave his life sense; moreover, Kyungsoo brought light into Jongin’s life. He cracked the walls in Jongin’s heart and tattooed himself in his soul, forever.  Or at least that was what Jongin thought.

The first seconds of the song he’d chosen, he just stared at the mirror, too afraid to move – too afraid to acknowledge how hurt he was. After feeling exhilarated for such a long time, accepting that he was in a bad place, made him inhale deeply.

Elegantly sliding on the wooden floor, he began his dance. A hand stretched in the front, a smooth wave, left leg stretched to the side – all his movements seemed to represent a fallen bird’s dance. Trying it’s best to stop falling, the bird will desperately move its wings, but in the end it will end on an unknown ground, feeling helpless.

Jongin was aware that he was selfish. Kyungsoo was not tied to Jongin, nor was Jongin to Kyungsoo. They shared amazing moments, but now it was over.

Jongin just kept dancing, but he already felt his feet numb and his head started throbbing in that kind of pain that won’t leave you even if you take medicine. However, Jongin just continued moving. Song after song. Beat following another beat. Lastly, before literally falling on the floor due to exhaustion, Jongin punched the mirror – the clear object that showed the painful reality.

Punch after punch, Jongin did not stop until the glass was broken into a thousand tiny pieces – just like his heart. His hands were covered in blood, but he did not care. Maybe the pain will make him forget. Maybe tomorrow he’ll wake up and none of this would be real. Maybe…

“Jongin-ah! Jongin-ah! Yaah, Kim Jongin!”

A deep voice woke Jongin up. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked around. The sun was already up.  His body was stiff and his hands hurt like hell. Looking down, he saw the blood and the broken mirror and everything came back to him. Before he could start crying, a cold hand touched his injured ones.

“Jongin, what the hell have you done?”

“Jongin! Bloody hell, answer me!”

“I-”

Jongin looked up at the familiar – now worried – face.

“Sehun…He-”

“Jongin, I want to help you, but I won’t be able to if you don’t start using that voice of yours.”

“Kyungsoo left.” Jongin tried to stand up.

Sehun swallowed.

“What do you mean he left?”

“, Sehun! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I MEAN? HE ING LEFT. AND HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE THE COURAGE TO TELL ME IN PERSON. HE SENT ME A MESSAGE. A MESSAGE.”

Sehun took a few steps back. He hasn’t seen Jongin that angry since he broke one of his action figurines.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you. More than you are. I’ll just leave. Be careful not to harm yourself even more.” Sehun looked down and his heels. Jongin caught his slender wrist, almost falling in the process.

“Please stay. I apologize. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. It’s not your fault.” Sehun sighed. Jongin would always get worked up about something, upset Sehun, and then apologize.

“So, you want to tell me what happened to our studio?”

“Well, I was dancing and the mirror came in contact with my fists. Nothing major.” Jongin chuckled and scratched the back of his neck.

“It just came in contact with your fists? Idiot.”

“Yaaah, who you calling an idiot?”

“You, idiot.” Sehun stuck out his tongue. They both laughed at each other, acting like little kids. Just like they used to.

After a moment of silence, Sehun walked towards the door.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“To grab a broom. See, I also want to dance here. I don’t want my feet to be hurt by your stupidity.”

Jongin just rolled his eyes. Waiting for Sehun to come back, he could not help but wonder, how could Sehun be there for him whenever he needed it.

After a couple of minutes, Sehun was back with two brooms and napkins. Lots of them.

“Why two brooms?”

“Did you hurt your head? It’s not like I’m gonna clean this up by myself.”

“And the napkins?”

“Well, for the blood and in case you decide to break down in tears and create a little pond.” Jongin lightly punched Sehun in his shoulder.

“I am not a crybaby.”

“I’m not saying that you are. It’s just…Jongin, Kyungsoo left. I know how much you loved him.

“Please don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Stop talking about K- about that guy. Okay, clearly what we had- what I thought we had- wasn’t enough. I mean he didn’t even bother to say something to me until yesterday when he left. Do I feel sad? Of course I do. But maybe this is the universe’s sign that he was not the one for me.”

Sehun was staring at Jongin, jaw dropped. Jongin was not the one to be that deep. He was always that guy that’d be the soul of a party, always telling funny jokes, always surrounded by people, never planning beforehand, never analyzing to this level something that happened to him.

Over the years, Sehun has seen all sides of Jongin. Or at least so he thought. Because of that and also because they used to spend all the time together, Sehun started developing feelings for Jongin. However he never actually paid attention to them. He was just happy being around Jongin.

That until Jongin met Kyungsoo. Nice lad at first. One year older than Jongin. Kind of socially weird. Jongin was so hyped about Kyungsoo. They’ve been together for a year and they seemed in love and stuff. At least Jongin was radiating like the sun.

From Sehun’s view, tha tyear was one of the worst of his life. Merely because he did not get the chance to spend time with Jongin like he used to. And it hurt. But Sehun knew  Jongin was happy.

Now, on the other hand, seeing his life-long friend all tore apart - even if he didn’t want to show it, Sehun knew how Jongin must feel – he started building up some sort of hate for Kyungsoo and all he wanted to do was hug Jongin and never let him go.

Maybe like that, he could protect him from everything painful, be it physical or emotional.

“Jongin..”

“Hmm?”

Sehun was not sure whether it was the time or not.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Oh? Do te- WOW, SEHUN, LOOK LOOK.”

“What? What?”

“This drop of blood is almost in the shape of a heart.”

Sehun mentally face palmed himself. Jongin was such a kid. He had feelings for that kid. Cruel life.

“Sorry, you wanted to say something.”

“Yeah..”

Jongin stopped cleaning the floor and looked curiously at Sehun.

“Sehun, what is it? You’re scaring me.”

Sehun chuckled. He did not want to scary Jongin. All he wanted was to make him feel better.

“Over these past years, we’ve been good friends, right?”

“Riiiight. Where are you getting at?” Jongin raised one eyebrow, curiosity killing him. For Sehun to talk this much was the happening of the century. In addition, Sehun seemed really serious.

“I have to tell you something. About me. Uhm…I-I have feel- What I mean is, whenever I feel sad there is something that always raises my mood.” In the end, Sehun chickened out.

“Really? What is it?”

Smiling shyly, Sehun quietly answered,

“Dancing.”

“Dancing?”

“Well, we both dance right? We both love it. Anyways, sometimes when life is too much to handle, I come here at night and just dance my sorrows away.”

Jongin was now laughing on the floor. Literally.

“Idiot, I am telling you something like this and you laugh!”

“I’m sorry, it’s just..wow. We are so alike. I do that everytime.”

“Excuse me?”

“I always come here and dance whenever I feel down. Last night was one of those nights. But for me, dancing is not just dancing. I don’t know how to say this.”

“Whenever you dance you feel that somehow everything is going to work out?”

“And when you swiftly move across this cold dance floor, you can feel the weights lifting off your soul?”

“It is refreshing and-”

“Magical.”

“Yeah. It just makes my heart jump out of my chest. It makes me feel free.”

“Free of every burden.”

Looking at each other, Sehun was waiting for Jongin to say something. To break the silence. However, Jongin didn’t feel like it. It was not an awkward silence. No, it was something else. He enjoyed just observing Sehun. The way his eyes sparkle, the way his tongue brushes over his pink lips, how his apple bobs up and down when he swallows.

That atmosphere right there was what Jongin needed. All this time it was one thing – one person his heart and mind were in desperate need of. However, maybe Jongin has realized this too late.

“So, do you want to do it now?”

“Do what?”

“Dance, Sehun-ah.”

Sehun didn’t need a second invitation. He quickly got up and went to the main speaker. He connected his phone and searched for the song he wanted.

And they danced. Of course, they have danced together before. This time was different. Maybe because Jongin realized that he has feelings for Sehun. Maybe because Sehun finally accepted his own. Maybe because Kyungsoo was out of the picture. Maybe because they were alone in the room where they’ve shared so many memories.

Their heartbeats were synchronized; their movements seemed to complete each other. Sehun could not take his eyes off Jongin, while Jongin was intensely looking at Sehun reflection in one of the unbroken mirrors.

The two boys were gone in their own world, forgetting about everything and anything. Nothing mattered more than dancing. Some people consider dancing a sport, but how could they say that? For Jongin it was a form of art and recreation. For Sehun it was a way to express himself, as he was not that good with words.

 Without even realizing it, night was back. After dancing for two hours without stop, Jongin’s stomach growled, reminding him that he has not left the dance studio since the other day. Therefore, Sehun proposed to Jongin to come over to his place, as it was closer to the studio. Jongin was so hungry, he didn’t even think about refusing Sehun’s offer.

“God, I’m starving.”

“Jongin, I think I got that from the other 100 similar statements you’ve made on our way here.”

“Sowwie, Sehun-ah. I AM REALLY HUNGRY.” Jongin was acting like a kid again. Not that it bothered Sehun.

“Look, I am going to prepare something for you. Why don’t you go take a shower? You stink.”

“Tschk. You are so straight forward.”

“What, don’t tell me little Jongin is embarrassed. Adorable.”

“Idiot. I am not embarrassed. Or little. Or adorable.”

Suddenly on Sehun’s head landed Jongin’s shirt.

“I will go take that shower, thank you.”

Sehun was frozen in his place. His hand held tightly the shirt, while his eyes were trailing off a bare tanned back. Sehun has always acknowledged that Jongin is good-looking, but seeing him half at that moment in his life made his heart skip a beat.

 

While Jongin was taking his long awaited shower, Sehun was in the kitchen “cooking” instant ramen, trying to figure out how to actually confess his feelings.

The previous attempt was a total bust, as Sehun backed out at the last second, too afraid to tell his best friend that he is in love with him.

This problem was an even harder one for him. He has never been one to speak out his feelings, especially stuff like love. This is why he has never been as social as Jongin.

Trying to get his head around the issue, Sehun thought back to the years spent together aside Jongin. The realization that they were completing each other so well made Sehun almost drop the hot pot of water. Jongin was the one to initiate conversations, to take initiative, to be a social butterfly.

 Sehun was the rational one, the quiet type, the wallflower.

When Jongin finished his shower, the boys went out on the balcony to have a so called dinner. It was a chilly night, thousands of stars shining on a black velvet sky.

The intimidating full moon was highly up in the sky, sending its silver rays over the bustling city. Light breezes of cold air made the boys shudder, forcing them to move a little closer to each other.

They finished their meal in less than 10 minutes, both being fast-eaters. Sehun could not take his eyes off Jongin. At the same time, Jongin was feeling Sehun’s intense gaze and it made his heart pump faster. He was just hoping that Sehun could not hear the drum -beats his heart was playing.

“Jongin..”

“Hmm?”

“I know you said I should stop, but are you really okay?”

Suddenly, Jongin’s mood changed. Sehun was hitting on his nerves and he had no clue why his best friend kept on asking about Kyungsoo.

“, Sehun. I told you to ing stop.”

“Why? I seriously don’t understand why you won’t talk about it. About him. You must be dead hurt, yet you keep on putting up this façade.”

“I know I’m just pretending. But you know what? I just wanted to be with you, to talk about stupid , to play around, to just be ourselves without caring about anything else. Like we used to . I don’t want to break down. Not now. ”

Sehun sighed. He knew that Jongin was feeling bad; opening up and talking about it would make him feel so much better. Instead he said that he wanted to spend time with him. But whose fault was that they hadn’t spent so much time together? Jongin was being irrational. Again.

“Look, I am not trying to upset you, more than you already are. I just want you to be the Jongin I know. Knew.”

“Knew? Are you implying that I have changed?”

“Oh, be serious. You have changed.”

“Sehun..What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Sehun scoffed, not believing that Jongin was actually asking him that.

“Ha, well I don’t know, like in the past year. You say that you just wanted to spend time with me, but not even a month ago, when I’d want to hang out, you’d always say that you don’t have time. You hadn’t talked to me as much, we haven’t done anything together. Not even dancing.”

Jongin was literally speechless and that did not happen so often. He tried to remember the last time he spent time with Sehun in order to prove him wrong. However, his mind played tricks on him. He could not remember. All that he knew was that something really has changed between them.

“Sehun..I-I don’t know what to say…”

“An apologize would be a good start.”

“I’m sorry. I truly am. It’s just, being with Kyungsoo almost all the time, di-”

“Woah, wait a damn second. Don’t try blaming him for that. Indeed I believe that what he did to you was merciless, but you cannot blame him for something you did. I am sure that he didn’t forbid you to see me, right? You just didn’t feel the need to.  ”

“No, it’s not like that. I-I…”

“Exactly. You cannot come up with a good excuse. Not for this Jongin. Do you have any idea how I’ve felt during these past months? Every time I wanted to hang out or just see you for at least more than one minute, you’d always disappear. Like the puff created by hot breath in a freezing winter night. Just puff.”

Ending his statement, Sehun got up and entered his apartment. Jongin was confused; and he could not stop blaming himself for ruining the moment they were having. One minute it was fine, the next Sehun had to open his mouth and care about him. He had to try to open Jongin up.

The dancer quickly stood up and ran after Sehun. Looking around the apartment, he could see no sign of him. Desperate to find Sehun, to explain, to apologize, Jongin left the apartment and went down the stairs with such a speed that he had to skip a few steps.

The cold air embraced his body, as Jongin was running around. If he knew Sehun as good as he thought he knew him, there was only one place the other would go to.

 Near Sehun’s apartment complex was a small park, with a few wooden benches and some trees. In the middle of it, there was a pond and that was Sehun’s favourite spot since he was a child.

And Jongin was right. He arrived to his destination gasping for air and in need for a place to sit down, however he could not care less about his own state.

All he wanted was to make up with Sehun. If he learned something during the years of their friendship, it was that communication works best for them when it comes to fixing problems.

Sehun did not even flinch when Jongin sat next to him on the bench in front of the pond. He knew that Jongin would find him. Maybe he actually wanted to be found.

“I don’t want to talk to you. Or see you. Or breathe the same air as you.”

“Sehun…Just let me explain.”

“I don’t ing want, Jongin. Do you even know how angry I am right now?”

“Tell me why. I mean I understand why, but it seems there’s so much more to this. ”

“You are unbelievable. Do you remember the promise we made? Right here?”

“What promise?”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Nope. I am not laughing, am I?”

Sehun could feel the hot tears that were about to fall down his face. Jongin said that he did not remember their promise. And there was Sehun, just a few hours before, wanting to confess to Jongin.

“Dammit, Jongin. How can you not remember, huh? Our very own pact that involved us always being there for each other. If either of us had a problem, we’d both be working on how to fix it.

We promised to learn as much as we can about each other. I don’t want to say that this is Kyungsoo’s fault, because it really isn’t. It’s just, the moment you met him, our bond weakened and weakened until this day, when I look at you and honestly I feel like we’ve wasted so much time.

You are so selfish, Kim Jongin. All you cared was for you to be happy! Then about me what? Have you also forgotten that I’ve known you since you were walking around in diapers?

 Or does the fact that we’ve known each other for so long is actually the problem here?...I haven’t realized that until now. You are bored with me, right? And Kyungsoo came in at the perfect time.”

Jongin did something that Sehun was not expecting to see. He looked at him with his warm hazel eyes and smiled. He just stared at Sehun, without saying a word.

“Actually, there was one more thing to our promise. We’ve sworn that if there is something important going on in our lives we’d share the happiness and also…the sadness. We weren’t supposed to mope around and wait for the other to see. I guess we both violated that clause.”

“Wait, so-”

“Shut up, Oh Sehun. It’s my turn to speak now. First of all, thinking back to the last year, yes, we basically lost precious time. Seconds, minutes, hours when we could’ve found out stuff about each other and do crazy things. I know it sounds illogical, but the less I know about someone the easier it is to let go.

But we’re way past that. I already know you too well and I am scared to think about the moment when you won’t be there for me. I just want to believe that it will always be the two of us, against the world; but I know too well that that ain’t gonna happen forever.

 At some point in our lives, be it next year or 20 years from now, we are going to go our separate ways and I really don’t want us to. I cannot believe how much I hurt you without even realizing.

The worst part is that, a couple of months before Kyungsoo’s sudden leave, we started to get into fights. All I wanted to do then was to talk to you. I wanted to be comforted by you. But I realized that we hadn’t talked in so long that I got scared. Afraid that you didn’t want to see me or talk to me. I don’t know what was in my head.

Secondly, I am so sorry for what I did this past year.Also, I am sorry in general. Nothing specific for, to be honest.

I'm sorry for shouting a bit too loudly, I'm sorry for the occassional hitting, I'm sorry for not being able to be there for you when you needed me.

I’m sorry for that time when we got drunk and you got sick and your mom almost found out and sent you to military school.

I’m sorry for the stuffed bear I lost when we were 7. I’m sorry that because of me you got a 5 in maths, while trying to tell me the answers. I’m sorry for breaking the mirror in our dance studio.

I’m sorry for so many things it would take me the same amount of time we’ve known each other to apologize for.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being a little too annoying, for having an awfully strong pride, for sometimes being jealous of you, for getting angry way too often and easily, for being too clingy, for always wanting to get attention.

I really need you to see I want nothing more but to be better and I tend to believe I have failed miserably at it until now. But maybe I just still don't know you that well, which is a pity, isn't it?”

The moment Jongin finished the last sentence, Sehun broke down in tears. Jongin just stood in his place, frozen. He wanted to hug Sehun, to whisper to him that everything will be alright. But Jongin himself was not sure that everything was going to go back to how it was.

Through hiccups and loud sobs, Sehun managed to whisper,

“You are so selfish. I just cannot understand you. Why haven’t you talked to me before? Before we ended up like this. ”

“I was so scared, Sehun.”

“Scared, right? Let me tell something about being scared. You said that you dance your emotions away and so do I. The past months, I’ve felt like I was into a black hole of dark feelings, of emptiness.

 I thought that at least I would get to see you at the studio. But you didn’t come. And I kept feeling even more scared. Scared that I was losing you. Scared that you’d go away and leave me alone.

Hence, I danced and danced and fell on that cold floor due to exhaustion and sore muscles. And when I saw you yesterday on that floor looking exactly like me, I couldn’t help but hope that maybe…maybe you’ve been feeling the same as I have.

 I guess we are both selfish.”

In the moonlight, all there was to be seen were two boys finally speaking their hearts out. The truth hurt like hell, but at least the ties of their long friendship began to reconnect.

Things were getting in place again, as tears were streaming down pale cheeks. Red eyes were colouring their frozen faces.

Even if he was scared and could feel his heart jump out of his chest, Jongin took a step towards Sehun and held out his hand. Sehun was dumbfounded, his brain having stopped working minutes before. His heart took over, as he held out his hand.

Jongin squeezed Sehun’s cold hand like it was the most precious thing he’s ever held.

“Jongin…What are you doing?”

“I think we need a restart. What happened between us…I can say that it was just my fault. But you now it wasn’t. So, here and now, I am starting us over. Hi, my name is Kim Jongin, I love dancing, ice cream and I have found a new passion. ”

“Idiot…I am Oh Sehun. I also love dancing, ramen and quite recently I have accepted the feelings that have tormented me for a while.”

“Oh, what feelings?”

“I believe they call it love. Although it hurts like a .”

“Love does hurt, doesn’t it?”

“Your recently developed passion is?”

“What?”

“You said you have a new passion.”

Jongin blushed, looked up at the dazzling night sky and then confidently said,

“My new passion is this guy I’ve known since he couldn’t even walk. You?”

“What about me?”

“The feelings. For whom?”

“Just this guy who used to eat dirt.”

“Sounds like a keeper.”

“He may be.”

The tension between them was killing Sehun. All he wanted was for Jongin to say it out loud. Right then, something in his mind clicked and an unknown force pushed him towards Jongin.

Cupping the other’s startled face, Sehun leaned down and brushed his lips against Jongin’s. He sweetly whispered,

“Hey, idiot. It took me this much, but I like you, Jongin. Too much for my own good.”

With that, Sehun pressed his lips against the other’s plump ones. They emerged in a passionate kiss, never wanting to break it off, never wanting to be apart again.

“Hey, idiot. My new passion is you. I guess I needed a heart break in order to realize it. I want to believe that when my heart broke, throught the cracks, you managed to invade it.“

“Don’t get all emotional now!”

“Says the one whose buggers are coming out of their nose.”

“You , Jongin.”

Like that, Jongin and Sehun’s friendship transformed into something pure - love. Imitating a Phoenix bird, which rebirths from its own ashes, the feelings they had for each other were strong enough to salvage their invisible bond.

 

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

 

 

A/N: I apologize for any mistakes ^^ Enjoy, comment and subscribe for more! :D