“Hey, I saw your Chanyeol in MAMA last night, wow! He is a hottie now. No doubt!” Eun Ji chirped happily when we met in the library. She placed her bag and sat in front of me while I, yeah, just glued my gaze to my book.
“Hey, are you even listening?” Eun Ji frowned as she took out her book.
“Hmm?” I mumbled nonchalantly.
“I said.... I saw your Chanyeol in...” she couldn’t even finish her sentence because I cut it off.
“Let fix it first, first, He isn’t MY Chanyeol, got it?” I curtly said. “And second, I don’t even care you watch him in MAMA or PAPA or anything!” I blurted out.
Eun Ji stared at me blankly. “If he isn’t your Chanyeol, so who’s?” she dumbly asked.
I rolled my eyes. Great, I had a stupid friend. Great. How could I keep called her as my friend?
“I don’t know, Eun Ji-ah...” I quietly claimed. “And not like I want to.”
Eun Ji pouted. “But... but... You and Chanyeol... you...” she managed to say.
I looked at her deeply in dislike, “Eun Ji-ah, can’t you stop? You really tested me, aren’t you know?” I seriously told her.
“But, Youngie...”
“End of discussion. I am going.” I grabbed my book and harshly put it inside my bag before leaving the library.
***
I opened my locker just to find a letter and a rose inside it. Again. These past 3 months, someone was playing a trick on me. Whatever he or she was, they frequently sent me a love letter and a red rose every Friday.
You even look beautiful when you sleep. How long since I saw you fall asleep?
I sighed. I thought don’t know him. Or her. Whatever. But I just felt like I knew it. I knew someone who had watched me fall asleep million times. I... I just didn’t want to believe.
***
I walked to my house as fast as I could while tighten my coat. The weather these days was a mess. I could barely breathe because it was so damn cold. I hated winter, as so you know.
I passed to the bakery which smelled so attempting and warm and decided to buy some breads for my family.
“Welcome!” the salesperson greeted me kindly. I smiled at her sweetly as I took the tray.
I picked the breads as slow as I could because I like the smell of the bread and I like the warm atmosphere inside the shop. Hmm... Coffee flavour... and hmm? Oh yeah, the opera would be nice.
After picking some bread, I went to the cashier. “Would you like to drink? Coffee?” the girl with a cute uniform of the bakery offered me.
“Hmm? Cappuccino would be nice I think....” I kindly answered.
“Cappuccino, then!” and she off to make the coffee. I rested my hand in the cashier table while waited for my coffee. Fortunately, I am the only costumer here.
Tto dareun neugdae deuri bol saera............
Neomuna wanbyeoghan nae yeojara...........
I surprised when I heard the television that suddenly by the waiter who greeted me previously showed MAMA concert that was held yesterday. I looked up and saw a guy was zoomed and his face filled the screen. Chanyeol’s face.
I held my breath subconsciously, but couldn’t let go my stare to the screen no matter the view hurt me in the most torturous way. I saw all his movement, all his smiled he spread to his fans. I saw it. I saw it and realized that my eyes became teary and misty.
“Miss? Your coffee?” the girl suddenly showed up with a cup of coffee for her.
“Ah? Yeah!” I stuttered and forced a smile.
“Yeah, 4,500 won.” She smiled and I handed her a 5,000 won and stared at the television again.
“Miss? Ah... you like EXO too, right?” she asked but before I could reply she stated again, “Yeah, stupid question, who isn’t, right?” she laughed while I just laughed dryly.
“Yeah, kind of.” I mumbled quietly.
“Who’s you bias, anyway? I like Baekhyun the most but Kai is really nice in dancing... and Suho? I like him too, he seems kind and D.O is just like an angel while Kris... Am I talking too much?” she shyly asked.
I couldn’t say anything and just forced myself to laugh. “Yeah, you are really a talkative person...” I smiled at her, a lil bit more relaxed.
“But... who’s your bias?” she still glued with the question.
I thought for a while. “Ng.... Cha...Chanyeol? I hardly said.
“WAH! You are like my sister! She is really into Chanyeol. I actually like his deep voice, yeah? And his height! Wow! He must be a basketball player back then...”
“Or drink milk.” I unconsciously cut her.
“Eh? Milk?” she confusingly asked me.
I stuttered. “Eh... ng... calcium?”
“Oh, right! By the way, this is the change!” she handed me the change. I thanked her sincerely.
“It’s nice to talk to you, Miss. I wish you can meet your Chanyeol...” she kindly wished which made my smile faded away.
“How I wished he is mine...”
And I left.
***
“I’m home!” I mumbled when I saw my mother came from the kitchen.
“Hello, sunshine, have a good day?” she pecked me on the cheek while I just sighed deeply.
“Not really, Mr. Kwon, the English lecturer just gave us an essay to do. But I got the latter and rose again” I told her and grabbed a mineral water.
“Oh, mom! I bought some breads, it smells good so I bought it” I smirked at her after drinking.
She took a look to the plastic bag and put the breads on the plate, “Thank you, sunshine.” She hugged me lightly.
“Mom... don’t be too cheesy, I am 22!” I pouted again.
My mom laughed sweetly, “Talking about cheese, I found a cheesecake in your drawer... how could you possibly sleep in your room happily while all of the things just.... a mess.” She looked at me seriously.
“I treasure everything in my room, Mom!” I claimed defensively, “Including the cheesecake. I need it to... to...” my brain worked so hard to find the reason. A reasonable one.
“Tidy it up.” She sternly said. “Now.”
I sighed and grabbed my bag. “Okay, Mom. But maybe I am not going to be able to have dinner, then.” I gave her a –looked like- hurt look.
“Oh, you will do it fast, sunshine.” She rolled her eyes. “And you can’t stand for kimchi spaghetti, right?”
“I’ll do it fast, Mom. I promise.” And I was off to my treasure room.
***
I was just put the sheet on my bed when I found my old pen that I treasure the most behind it. I quickly took the Minnie mouse pen and put it on the table before continuing to sheeting my bed.
I took the pen and decided to put it to my treasure box that was inside the drawer. I opened the box and found my favourite things. All of them were the things I love and treasure the most. My treasure.
I smiled when I saw my first letter from abroad, my first A+ mathematic exam paper, my first piano sheets, my music box from England, and... my diary.
I hesitantly opened the small book. And smiled when saw my picture with...
Chanyeol.
4-10-07
Dear diary.
Hey, you know what? I have an A+ for math exam! Boo yeah! Park Chanyeol, I win! You owe me the pizza, woo hoo!
19-10-07
Dear diary.
Me and Chanyeol went to the movie today, yeah, actually I should treat him since I owed him one, but you know Chanyeol, right? He ended up treat me. Again.
I felt my eyes got teary but I continued.
25-11-07
Dear diary.
2 DAYS!!! Chanyeol will be an old man in 2 days! Haha! He always coded me that he wants a new pair of shoes, but I will give him a sock. Hahaha! Kidding. I’ve saved a lot to buy him the shoes, hope he will like it!
p.s : I bought him a guitar pick too, but it is a secret.
27-11-07
Dear diary.
CHANYEOL LIKE IT! BOO YAH! And I swear that I looked he wiped his eyes! Don’t cry, dude!
Chanyeol hugged me, but... let’s pretend that it never happen, okay?
My tears fell but I smiled at the same time. I remembered that day. When Chanyeol hugged me when I gave him his birthday present. It’s not the first time actually, but it was the first time I looked at him. Not as a best friend. But as Chanyeol.
That night, the first time I realized that I had fallen for him.
31-12-07
Chanyeol made me made a wish for the next year. He said it maybe come true. So I did.
I wish... you, Chanyeol.
13-02-08
Tomorrow is valentine’s day. I’ve bought a chocolate for him, actually. But I don’t feel to give it to him. I possibly ruin our friendship, right?
What should I do? L
14-02-08
I gave it! But my chocolate is no name. As usual, Chanyeol got many chocolates and we ate it together. As if I can tell him.
04-03-08
MY BIRTHDAY!! YEAH, finally I am 18! Chanyeol gave me a Minnie mouse pen and a pizza coupon. I already frowned and wanted to cry when he finally revealed the true present!
IT’S A HUGE TEDDY BEAR!
Thank you, Chanyeol.
And I love you
I kept read the diary until it was the day when Chanyeol said that he accepted in SM entertainment as a trainee.
28-07-08
Chanyeol said he is a trainee of SM now. He is very happy, so do I. But, Chanyeol, if you are really an artist, when your dream comes true, will you remember about me? About us?
27-11-08
I asked him to visit the park today. But he didn’t make it. He said he will go to his friends from SM. He said he should more have interaction with the other trainee. Yeah, right.
Because I cannot say it in front of him, let me just write it.
Happy birthday, Chanyeol. Hope the joy always beside you.
I love you.
I wiped my cheek again. The stupid tears weren’t willing to stop as I read another page of my diary.
11-12-08
I hate to say that but I feel like no longer know Chanyeol. He barely comes out from his house or he just leaves the house early in the morning. He barely talk to me and when we together he just busy with his phone.
I hate to say this but I miss my old Chanyeol.
I miss how he wrapped my hand when I forgot my gloves. I miss how he patiently waited me for my extra class. I just miss how he stood beside me whenever it was.
I miss him.
Chanyeol, would you come back?
31-12-08
I waited him in the park again. But he didn’t come. Yeah, I know he wouldn’t actually, but I... you know, trying.
I hope you have a great year ahead, Chanyeol.
04-03-09
He didn’t come again.
Happy birthday to me.
27-11-09
He didn’t come again.
Happy birthday Chanyeol. Have all that you want.
I love you.
My tears were falling down because I felt the sudden pang in my heart again. I felt the pain again. I tried all these past years to get over this but when it hit me, I just couldn’t.
31-12-09
He didn’t come again.
I wish you will be a good singer and artist, Chanyeol.
I love you.
04-03-10
Happy birthday to me.
11-08-10
I saw him in Genie mv. You are handsome as usual. Wow, you must be very busy lately.
Eat and sleep well, Chanyeol!
27-11-10
I met you today! Oh my god! You are so handsome. We had some talk and I can sing happy birthday to you with your family and mine. Like the old time.
But we can’t go to the park like usual, you should go to the party your trainee friend made for you right? Have fun!
31-11-10
I love you, Chanyeol. Happy new year.
I skipped the pages about how desperate I was for missing him. I missed him so much. So much until I felt that I could die.
23-02-12
You were revealed to be the last EXO members. Glad your dream comes true, Chanyeol.
31-03-12
I watched you. I watched you in the showcase and I felt so delight to see you smile like that.
By the way, I know from your mom that you are going to live in the dorm and your parents would move to the nearest apartment. I Hope everyone treat you well, Chanyeol.
I miss you.
17-07-12
EXO is getting famous lately. I am glad. But I miss you so much.
End. There were no more things I could read. I know the rest of the pages will revealed the same desperation of me because Chanyeol just neglected me just like that.
He said he would never forget me. That I was still his number one fan. That he was still my number one fan. That we still could look at the stars every night together. That I could still relied on him whenever I needed someone. That he could still picked me up after my extra class.
But no.
There was no more Chanyeol like that. We barely met. We barely talked. I just felt like I didn’t know him anymore.
I looked at the pictures of us. The sweet time when Chanyeol would wrap my shoulders tightly and the tears fell again.
“Sunshine? Let’s eat.” My mom showed up suddenly.
I wiped my tears away then forced a smile. “I’ll be going in second!”
“Okay, then.” And I heard the step further.
I sighed.
How I missed you so much, Chanyeol.
***
I walked to the park all by myself. Today was November 27th and I still went to the park even the weather was just as cold as the northpole. No kidding.
I sat in the usual bench and opened the cake box. It was Chanyeol’s favourite. Strawberry cheesecake. I put on the candle and turned it on. I took out my present too. It was a skullcap.
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday... Chanyeol...
Happy... birthday to you...
I sang the song with a shaky voice. How many times I did it, I always ended up crying. How pathetic I am, right?
I was about to blowing out the candles when I heard a deep voice I missed the most suddenly.
“Shouldn’t we sing the Happy birtdhay’s song first?”
A turned around and found Chanyeol, my Chanyeol was standing behind me. Smiled at me with the way he used to.
“I... I already sang the song...” I managed to say.
Chanyeol leaned closer to me and sat beside me. “Not with that shaky voice. You crept me out, you know?” he pouted.
My eyes got misty but I laughed anyway. “Let’s sing together...” he said.
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday... Chanyeol...
Happy... birthday to you...
We sang it out loud and he seemed so happy. I stared at him again. Chanyeol... how I miss you...
“Nah, now, blow the candle!” I said hurriedly.
Chanyeol pouted. “No... I have to make a wish, first.” He claimed and I sighed.
“Yeah, do it, fast. It will melt anyway.”
He closed his eyes and bowed his head for more than ten seconds. What did actually that he wish? He already had everything, you know....
Finally he blew the candles outs and we beamed in happiness. Like the old time. We didn’t bother to cut the cake because we just eat it all the way. Yeah, like the old times.
When finally, we were too full to eat anymore, we just sat at the bench and looked at the sky. They were no stars today. But that wasn’t the problem.
“Hmm... Chanyeol?” I broke the silent.
“Hm?” he mumbled.
“Why are you here?”
He looked at me and I looked at him. His eyes spoke all the tiredness as I just wanted to sweep it away.
“Celebrate my birthday?” he shrugged his shoulders doubtfully.
“Oh.” That was all I could say.
“Why are you here, Youngie?” he asked me.
“I am always here.”
Then the silent that wrapped us was painfully awkward...
“Youngie...”
“Chanyeol...”
We spoke in the same time.
“You first.” Chanyeol said.
“Ng... Happy birthday, Chanyeol. I... I wish you will have a great year. I wish the joy will always beside you... I...”
I love you.
“That’s all?”
“Yeah, that’s all.”
Chanyeol nodded and looked at me. He cleared his throat. “Youngie... I... want to apologize.”
“You..”
“Dont cut it off, Youngie, let me finish it first.” He sternly said so I shut my mouth.
“I... wasn’t here for you. I am sorry. I wasn’t here for my birthday, for your birthday... I am sorry for every moment I wasn’t able to hug you... to tell you how much... how much... I love you.” he paused while I gasped.
Was that even real?
“I am sorry for the tears that came from your eyes for me... for the sorrow and the pain I gave you... for the sleepless night you spent for suffering... I am sorry...” I closed my mouth as he wrapped me with his warm arms. And I saw a single tear fell down from his eye.
“But I want to thank you...” he smiled. “Thank you for every gift you gave. Thank you for every time you spent. Thank you for every pray you uttered. Thank you for not giving up on me....” he hugged me tightly as I sobbed in his neck.
“I know it probably so much to you... but I love you.” Chanyeol said in his deep voice.
I looked at him. “You what?” I whispered.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” he mumbled.
I smiled. “Are you even serious?” I asked.
“How could I not be serious, huh? Do you want me to proof it?” he teasingly asked me.
“But how...?” I asked him again.
“I already proof it, sweetheart, because I am all the love letters and roses.” He proudly said.
“You are...” I breathlessly said. “The one who gave me all the letters?”
Chanyeol nodded. “Satisfy?”
But I couldn’t say anything due to the sudden shock.
You are my angel, and your smile brightened me.
She remembered the letters that only she received every Friday.
You are my dream comes true, that’s why it is so hard to get you.
You smile like sunshine, just don’t smile too often, it might burns me off.
And the last....
You even look beautiful when you sleep. How long since I saw you fall asleep?
That’s why I felt like I knew it. It was Chanyeol. It was him who watched me fall asleep million times. It was really him.
“Youngie?” he called out.
“Yeah?” I hesitantly replied.
“Is it not enough for you?”
“Ng... I just....” I managed to say.
“Let mo convince you one more time...”
“But h-..”
I held my breath at the sudden attack. His lips pressed mine gently. Sweetly. I felt something sparkled inside my body; I don’t know what that was but it felt so good and warm.
The kissing didn’t last long. But it was enough to say that I love him too.
“Do you believe me, now?”
“I never doubt you.”
And he kissed me again.
End.
Chanyeol was felt agitated and frustrated. He didn’t know why but everything he did seem wrong and never be good. His dancing. His voice. Everything went wrong. He knew something was missing because he just felt like... loss. But the worst thing was that he didn’t know what exactly was missing.
He decided to tidy up his room since the EXO didn’t have any schedule that day. And then he found it. A video cassette that laid neglectedly inside the drawer. He took it out.
Park Chanyeol and Kang Min Young. 2008.
Min Young.
The name gave Chanyeol a sudden pang in his heart. He remembered that Min Young gave him the video cassette but forbade him to watch it in front of her. The latter said to watch the video whenever he felt down. So maybe it was the time.
Hey, Chanyeol!
Min Young smiled at the camera. Chanyeol knew that she was in her room with her pyjama.
You are going to have you trainee day tomorrow, right? I am so happy!
Min Young smiled at the camera again.
You’ll do it perfect, man. Don’t worry.
And then she stopped and looked at him –camera seriously.
But Chanyeol, I make this in case you feel like you can’t go through this anymore, like you feel everything is wrong... so I hope you never watch this. hehe..
Okay, seriously, I don’t know what to say but... I just want you to believe on yourself that everything will be okay, that everything will be worth it. That your dream will be come true.
Because... because me... here... in the room inside the house in front of yours, a girl pray for you every day. Every single day. Because I am here.... always have a faith that you can make it.
That’s why you have to stay still.
She smiled at the camera and wiped a single tear that fell.
Because you are Park Chanyeol.
That was the first day of fall; Park Chanyeol realized what he had missed for these times.
Min Young.
HIS Kang Min Young.
I dont know what is it... huft!
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