He was the one who wanted it. Who asked of Luhan for his attention, to be noticed, be acknowledged. To have the older see him behind the camera lens and screaming fans. Be that someone Luhan turns around in instinct for a second time around.

Jongin wanted this.

Has been wanting those rough palm caress his equally calloused ones. Has been waiting for his time to be grazed by Luhan’s smile. He was the one who sits beside him not because of their line-up but because of the lack of attention from the older. Jongin was always the one moving in places just to reach Luhan’s phase.

The disappearance of Sehun’s presence by his side leaves a void, but Jongin cannot bring himself to pull the younger off from Tao. Because like him, Sehun had also been wanting it, to have Huang Zitao’s attention on him, and all on him.

He said yes, Jongin! Sehun had told him with a smile he hasn’t seen of since knowing the younger.

The only difference was that, Tao actually agreed while Luhan doesn’t and Sehun doesn’t know that Tao’s actually clinging on a string to keep Kris by his side. But Kris doesn’t want Tao and Sehun doesn’t need to know that it was Jongin that the older actually wanted. And Jongin only wanted Luhan.

Don’t cry, Jongin.

Jongin wasn’t crying, perhaps Luhan thought he was when he pleaded the older to at least give him the chance of staying by his side even with Minseok’s hand in his palm when he said that. He was never selfish, but Luhan was in a different case and Sehun deserves a better best friend. Someone worthy, any person aside from Kim Jongin. Some other guy that will be willing to listen to the variety of his endless stories and not be tempted to break his happiness by the ugly truth.

Because while Sehun doesn’t know of Kris confessing everything to Jongin, Luhan had told Jongin of a person named Kim Minseok.

How convenient that the fans actually loved them both and the company saw the potential of increasing money from their fanservices. Jongin doesn’t even stand a chance no matter how much he tried to fit himself in what little spaces Luhan gives him. Still, he tries so hard, stubbornly hard, because maybe, just maybe, Luhan would actually see him.

That Luhan would eventually fall like how Jongin saw Tao crack in Sehun’s arm. He tried harder, to be the one in Minseok’s place. To feel the warmth he’s been deprived of. To have Luhan clinging in his side even after the cameras has been shut off and the fans shooed out of their way. Told himself that he will not be the same Kim Jongin who always stands behind, waiting for Minseok to disappear and Luhan to seek for replacement.

But nothing has changed.

And Jongin is just tired of it all. The excitement and happiness he had felt when their management broke the news of them promoting as twelve has been worn out a long time ago. The amount of hard work he put in his dancing just to have Luhan’s attention never paid off. Minseok was still the better dancer in the elder’s eye. Luhan still sees Sehun as the baby no matter how much the latter grew in height.

Jongin will be forever in the peripheral view of Luhan’s eye.

Never in front and always in line.

Don’t cry, Jongin. He tells himself as he falls on the floorboards, closing his eyes and waiting for everything to just cease and disappear. Kris was the first to react, he stops midstep and rushes over to him, asking him if he was in any kind of pain. Jongin wonders which pain Kris was talking about but even before he can come with an answer, Sehun’s already hauling him up and out of the room.

Don’t cry, Jongin. He reminds himself again as he tugs his snapback a little lower. It hurts even to walk, but it hurts a lot more to watch Luhan look away when he tries to hold his gaze. Fans were waiting outside the building, taking pictures of him. They probably knew already and within a minute, everyone who knows them would know of the news. Would see Sehun’s arm around him, and will be saddened by his pathetic injury that just wouldn’t leave no matter how much he tries to better himself. Much like his admiration to Luhan, who would probably see the picture when they go home, or maybe he already did, but Jongin doubts that he feels anything for him, what more to check updates of him online.

It was never hard to miss, the way Luhan treats him.

Everyone can tell how Luhan tenses up whenever Jongin tries to be near him. But it wasn’t unfair even if the other members believe it was. Luhan did tell him straightly and if anyone is being unfair in the game, it was Jongin himself.

Don’t cry, Jongin. Sehun whispers as they step foot inside their dorm, fresh from their little trip to the hospital. Jongin tries to smile at him because Sehun knew. Luhan and Jongin, this, Sehun knew of this.

All other ten members were waiting for them, bodies scattered around the living room. Joonmyun has worry written all over his face as he asks him questions, even Jongdae looked worried. Jongin tries his best to accommodate them with a smile, but when they slowly leave to their own business, he feels his heart void once again.

No one really stays.

Don’t cry, Jongin. He thinks he hears Luhan’s voice, because the memory of the older pulling Minseok aside right after he’d lied that he was fine was the reason behind the sting in his eyes. He tries to fight them back, he never cried for all of it and he will not, not today or any other day. Especially not with Sehun inside his room and looking all sorry at him as he lies in his bed, defeated and just, so lost.

“Don’t cry, Jongin.” Sehun sounds so hurt, Jongin hates it.

“What are you doing here, Sehun? Shouldn’t–”

“Stop it.” Jongin hates that Sehun has to see him like this.

“–you be with Tao? He–”

“Don’t cry, Jongin.” He hates that Sehun has Tao now.

“–will be worried, if you’re not there after he show–”

“Please. Stop crying.” But still remembers his duty when he needs him most.

“–ers. I think he h–”

“Don’t cry, Jongin.” Sehun deserves someone better than Jongin.

“I’m not crying Sehun!” He shouts angrily and Sehun only looks at him with compassion. But it was at that moment that Jongin dejectedly acknowledges the overflowing heaviness in his cheeks. Because even after Luhan and Minseok had disappeared from his sight, Jongin still wants Luhan.

Don’t cry, Jongin. He tells himself.

“Don’t cry, Jongin,” Sehun tells him again and Jongin looks up at the younger behind the thick layer of tears in his eyes.

“How?”