“Fear cuts deeper than swords.” – Arya Stark

She did not know why, but she just had the urge to visit her best friend.  Her apartment building was not very far from hers and so in 15 minutes she was already in front of the door.  She knocked, hoping that the girl was not asleep.

“Taeyeon?”  She waited for a good minute before she tried again.  This time she heard footsteps approaching then the door clicked open.  “Hi Fany” Taeyeon grinned.  She was still wearing her work clothes; but Tiffany barely noticed that.  What did not escape her though were Taeyeon’s scent and the look on her face.  “You’re drunk.”  She had to sigh to help calm her.  “A bit... our department had a party.”  Taeyeon scratched her head, the grin was unfading.  “Come on in, it’s warmer here.”  Tiffany warily followed the smaller girl.

“Would you like anything?  Coffee?”  Taeyeon headed to the kitchen without even waiting for Tiffany to answer.

“I would like you to come here and talk to me.”  The words were calmly said but were sharp nonetheless.  It took Taeyeon some seconds before she complied.  Slowly, she made her way towards the couch where Tiffany was seated.  She sat on the floor in front of Tiffany but dared not to look.

“I heard about the party.  But I didn’t hear the one that was thrown at your unit.”  Taeyeon’s head jerked up and she saw Tiffany looking at the half-empty bottle of Bourbon.  Tiffany looked back at her, “Shouldn’t you be drinking water and heading to bed?”  She was expressionless; that scared Taeyeon the most.  She was trapped.  THE question would come next- she thought as she stared at Tiffany’s face.

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”  This time, Tiffany was full of warmth.  Taeyeon looked down, embarrassed.  She had to answer or else her best friend would go cold again.  “I just feel lonely, I guess.”  She kept it short; she did not want too much emotion pouring out.  She kept her gaze to the floor until she heard Tiffany sigh.  The girl got up and fetched the Bourbon and the glass.  She set it on the coffee table in front of them and poured some.  In one gulp, she downed it and her face cringed.  Again, she poured some.  “Your turn” her hand was holding out the glass to Taeyeon who hesitantly took it.  When she took the shot, Tiffany spoke again, “Let’s order pizza?”  Taeyeon was puzzled.  ‘Where is she going with this?’

“I’m craving for cheese.”  Tiffany took out her phone and made the order.  As they waited for the delivery, Tiffany took another glass of whiskey and handed the next to Taeyeon again.  “It’s good to drink from time to time... but it is better when you have company.”  She smiled and Taeyeon could feel heat rushing through her cheeks.  It’s the whiskey- she reasoned to herself.  Before she could reply though, a knock came.  “Ooh~ pizza’s here!”  Tiffany jumped from her seat and skipped to the door.  She took the pizza then turned to Taeyeon, “Where’s your wallet?”

Taeyeon eyed her incredulously but in the end sighed defeated.  She took her wallet out of her pocket and paid the delivery guy and shut the door.  When she headed back to her seat, Tiffany was already helping herself with a slice.  She could only chuckle at the sight of the girl.

And so they ate and drank until both items were finished.  At the time, the magic of the alcohol was working its way to the both of them.  And Taeyeon could not keep herself from talking.

“I saw my psychiatrist earlier.  Before the party, I went to her.”  Taeyeon said and Tiffany listened, both of them looking at the blazing fire on the fireplace.  “She asked me how I was, and I told her I was feeling lonely and stressed.  I was afraid I would get depressed again, you see.”  Taeyeon gave out a chuckle but Tiffany kept her face straight as if she was not listening at all.  “She told me I was brave for seeing her; but I was still scared.  And I still am.”  She smiled weakly, Tiffany saw that.

Silence filled the room.  And when Tiffany felt that Taeyeon would not speak again, she took the opportunity.  ‘Why were you feeling lonely?’ but somehow, the words would just not come out.  And Tiffany lost her chance as Taeyeon continued telling the story.  “But do you know what I told her?”  Taeyeon looked at her and Tiffany shook her head.  “I told her what real courage was.  It’s admitting that you’re not over something you’re forcing yourself to get over with.  That was courage.  And now that I’ve admitted it, I guess I’m really courageous now, I said.  Then she smiled at me and told me she was proud of me.  And with that, our session was over.”

“You’re still not over him, huh?”

‘No’

“But, admitting that is start.  And from what I can see – well, taking this night out of the equation – you’re getting better.  I know you’ll be fine in time; I’m sure.  And besides,” Tiffany held Taeyeon’s arm, “I’ll always be here for you.  I’m your best friend, after all.” then she rested her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder.

“Yeah~ we’re best friends after all.”  Taeyeon took a deep breath.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot”

“What happened to us?”

“What do you mean?”  Tiffany tried to sound as clueless as she could.  But her face was saying everything.  It was a good thing they were not face to face anymore.

“Don’t play that card with me, Fany.  You know exactly what I mean.”  Taeyeon’s voice was cold and unflinching.  But what came next was colder... coldest even.  “We were more than best friends!”

‘Yes, we were more than that.’  Tiffany thought as the memories came rushing back.

They were the best of friends ever since they were little.  They grew up together and did everything together.  They went to the same school up until college.  And that was when things got different.  There were too many expectations from the both of them and so whatever they had and had been building for the past years got shattered to pieces.

“We got scared.”  Tiffany said plainly but her heart was clenching and tears were starting to form on her eyes.  Taeyeon was still, but she felt the same emotions as Tiffany.

Yes, they got scared.  They were both girls, and in college they were supposed to be both ladies.  And so without even saying a word to each other, they forced themselves to be who they were expected to be.  They dated guys who they thought could straighten them up, but at the end of the day, when they lie on their respective beds in their shared room, the feelings would come rushing.  Repressing those did not come easily.  And so, the both of them decided individually to be busier and they engaged in studying and club activities until it came somehow easy for them to sleep at night.  But it was still just repression to the unconscious.

“When I told my shrink that I was not over something yet, I wasn’t thinking of him... I was thinking of you.”  And that did it for Tiffany.  The tears she held back flowed uncontrollably.  So she had to move away.  She left Taeyeon’s apartment and hurried to the elevator crying her heart out.  But the elevator would not move... because Taeyeon was holding the door back from closing.  She took Tiffany’s arm and dragged her out.  She wiped the tears away, but they did not stop from coming out.  “Please... stop crying.”  Taeyeon said as tried to catch Tiffany’s eyes.  When their eyes met, Taeyeon put her lips on Tiffany’s.

“No” Tiffany pushed her away.  But Taeyeon kissed her again.  It was bittersweet.  “No, Taeyeon please” this time, Taeyeon seemed to listen; but she had something else in mind.

“Let me have you, even for just a night.  Just this night, be mine.  And I’ll never bother you again.  Just let me show you how much I love you.  One night is all I’m asking.  One night for the feelings I, we held back forever.”

Tiffany was out of words.  She wanted Taeyeon, but again, she was getting scared.  Then she remembered Taeyeon’s story earlier.  Can she do that?  Can she admit what she really is?  If she gave herself to Taeyeon, she was not sure she could go away anymore.  Can she throw away everything she has worked hard for just for this night?  If she could, can she get everything back as if nothing ever happened?  Uncertainty enveloped her.  It was Taeyeon after all... the love of her life.  Surely, she was worth everything.  But still, she was afraid.

Tiffany was so confused that she did not notice herself crying out loud.  Taeyeon held her tightly and tried to calm her.  A shout of her name was what took her back.  “Tiffany!” almost instantly, she searched for the voice.  “What’s wrong?  What happened to her Taeyeon?”  It was her boyfriend, Nichkhun.

Nichkhun got no answer so he decided to respect and trust the two and not snoop around anymore.  He carried Tiffany and took her home.  Taeyeon just stood there with a blank expression on her face as the elevator door closed.  But Tiffany saw the pain on her eyes; and that made her cry more.  “Amor da minha vida...” she said weakly.  “What?”  Khun heard her speak the words but she did not repeat them.  “Put me down oppa.”  Khun did as he was bid.

The ride home was spent in total silence which made Khun uneasy.  When Khun pulled over in front of her house, she immediately unfastened her seatbelt, “I can take it from here, oppa.  Goodnight.”  And she left him without even listening to what he said in return.

She crept on her bed recalling the entire event.  Her heart tightened.  It made her wonder how much pain Taeyeon was bearing at the moment.  ‘More than mine... so much more.”  She felt guilty for what she did, but she could not bring herself to go back there.  Or can she?  ‘I said the words.  In the end, I did.’  She rushed out of her house at the realization; not even hearing her mother calling after her.  She ran as fast as she could, almost stumbling at times but that did not bother her.  Nothing could stop her now.

Finally, she reached Taeyeon’s apartment.  She was panting heavily as she knocked wildly on the door.  “Taeyeon!  Taeyeon, open up!”  She called loudly, not stopping her knocking.

Taeyeon opened the door slightly, her eyes were swollen.  “Fany, what are you-

Tiffany flung the door open hardly and came rushing inside causing Taeyeon to step back.  She caught Taeyeon by the shoulders and then crushed her lips on the latter’s.  It was the sweetest kiss.  She broke the kiss when she tasted Taeyeon’s tears.  She wiped the tears off the girl’s face and stared at it.  “Amor da minha vida...” she said again.  Taeyeon’s confusion showed more at the remark.  “What-

“Oh, won’t you just kiss me back!?”  Tiffany has always been demanding... and what could Taeyeon do but obey her queen?