It's been raining for the past few weeks making the days gloomy and depressing by the hour. The rain was battering the ground harshly, echoing in my ears, ending in deep ripples. The cold wind blew silently and a slightly heavy fog shrouded the city. I was lazily sitting on the couch watching a sappy and cliche romance movie. The lead male and female were having in my opinion, an idiotic and useless argument. I could go on and on to explain how revolting and stupid this movie was but the phone rang loudly. I sighed in irritation but slowly rised and strolled over and answered,

"Hello? Sehun-ah?" A soft and delicate voice asked quietly. My eyes widened slightly as I recognized the owner of the silk-like melodic voice. They returned back to normal as I replied back in a cold tone,

"What."

"Y-you can pick m-me up now please." Her voice shook indicating she was terribly cold. My heart softened in worry but I shook my head ignoring the thoughts of her getting sick, or getting lost or-Wait a moment Oh Sehun what are you thinking! Don't even try being nice to her you know what will happen. I mentally sighed before clearing my throat.

"Okay be there in a few." And with that simple answer I hung up, not even allowing her to reply since I knew her voice would pain my heart more than it already is. I drove to the park where I had told her days previously before where I would pick her up. She had just arrived from her flight from Busan to Seoul. Park Sa Rang was her name. She's a very attractive and beautiful girl. Her heart is very pure unlike mine that was dirty and wrecked. Her smiles were her main key feature as they warmed anyone's body and mind. Even mine. But now a days her smiles always had a some type of crooked feeling. As if she was forcing it very hard. 

I arrived at the park and began searching for her with my right hand holding my dark navy blue umbrella and left hand place coolly, I guess, inside my jean pocket. My steps faltered as my eyes spotted her feminine figure trembling all alone in the cold clutching her white umbrella tightly in her small hands. She looked fragile and weak as the rain gave no mercy and continued drenching her. 

"I missed you." Were the first 3 words that escaped her plump yet cracked lips. I tensed a bit but coldly shrugged it off. With tired sigh I said, "Come on it's getting cold. I don't want to catch the flu." Her eyes carried a sad look, as she looked down at the ground. A few seconds went by and she was still in the same position. I assumed she wanted to share my umbrella with her but I hastily opened hers and roughly pushed it in to her hands. She lifted her face up and gave me a disappointed look but still followed my steady steps as I led her to my car. We buckled our seat belts and I started the engine before pulling out of the driveway back to the busy road.

We were stuck in traffic when all of a sudden the song, M.C Mong's ft Mellow- Sick Enough to Die was on. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as the song brought back memories. Sa Rang noticed the song and lightly chuckled. 

"You remember the song too huh...." I glanced over to her,

"Yeah... Good times." She shook her head in disagreement,

"Some were hard and bad times too." 

"Yup..." I softly agreed. 

FLASHBACK 1 YEAR AGO

We were best friends ever since 6th grade, we were unseperatable. Stuck to each other like strong glue. We protected and helped each other whenever the latter was troubled. We were almost like family. I say almost because I actually over the years I fell deeper and deeper in love with my best friend. I was going to confess but one thing held me back.

My incurable rare heart disease. There was no treatment possible and the only result would be death. You would not have believed how furious and angry I was when I found out that I would die in 2 years, now only a few weeks.

Why? Why me God? How was I supposed to grow up with the girl I truly loved if I was going to die soon? Because I decided to not make Sa Rang suffer I lied to her when she confessed to me. I lied to the girl that I loved and whom loved me back that I was in love with someonelse. You don't know how much will-power it took me to not tell her the truth when she started crying.

She ran away sobbing and didn't come to school for a few days. And when she did, her eyes were always puffy, red, and swollen. My heart cracked in pieces knowing that I was the one who did that. I was the one who hurt her. You might ask, Why didn't I just tell her the truth? Because I'm a pathetic and a of  a coward who didn't have the courage to tell her.

FLASHBACK END

 After arriving to my house, Sa Rang asked if we could please take a stroll around the streets for a while. I told her no but she persisted until I finally gave up. Now here I was watching her back view as she walked diligently in front of me. We walked alongside the traffic jammed road. The rain was still pouring but neither of us minded anymore. Her  head was downwards, a frown formed in her forehead, and every step she took looked strained. I wanted to embrace her in my arms, but the pain in my heart and the cowardness of myself restrained me from doing so. She looked......lost.

I was too focused into my thoughts and accidentally bumped into her since she stifled her steps. She turned around with tears streaking down her chubby rosy pale cheeks. 

"Did you make up that story with you and the girl? Did you lie to me? Can we please start over? I'm sorry for whatever I did that annoyed you but can we please get back together? " 

I froze because of her sudden statement. I felt horrible and sour inside as I shook my head No. More tears fell from her eyes which caused a huge wave of guilt wash over me. She sighed, "Can you at least tell me why you broke it off?" I sighed also and shook my head, No, once again.

Sa Rang clenched her fists tightly causing her knuckles to turn white. 

"You can't even tell me why! I've been waiting for about 2 years now and yet you still don't tell me! Do you just hate me so much to lie to your BEST FRIEND! " She impatiently shouted. 

"Sa Ra-"

"No Sir! You are not saying anything else than the explanation of why you hate me!" 

"Look I-" 

"You what?"

"It's that-"

"It's just that what?" 

"Park Sa Rang didn't your mom tell you to not inter-" 

" I don't care just tell me now!" She shouted again, louder this time.

"Yah, don't make huge scene out of this and let it go-"

" Let it go?" She harshly asked.

I nodded, " I mean really you should let this go and move on."

She scoffed, " How the hell am I supposed to let this go you jerk!" People were now staring at us weirdly, some whispering to one another. "You are really stupid Oh a Sehun to think that I could poss-"

SLAP

" Holy ing Sa Rang could you stop acting like such a !" I yelled annoyed at her behavior.

Hesitantly she raised her shaking hands to the red hand imprint on her cheek, 

"You s-slapped me..."

I rolled my eyes, "What else was I supposed to do to make you shut up!" She looked at me with such anger that I regretted my action. " I'm done Sehun...I just wanted to know why but you couldn't have done that...I'm done." 

"Wait..." But she turned around quickly and ran away just like a year ago. I stood still for a moment before running to catch up to her. The rain made it harder as I squeezed through the crowds of people. I saw her getting into a cab as it began its way toward the streets.

   I sprinted to catch up to it, waving my arms to flag it down. All of the sorrow and twists in my heart couldn't be held back anymore. I let my hot warm tears fall, blending with the rain's cold drops. I was cold in the inside as I fell down onto my knees clutching onto the area of my cursed heart.

 She was gone, and she and I lost contact with each other ever since. She never got to see my tears and know how much I truly cared and loved her since I was a coward. I left with no regrets at all. The thing is, I'm not Sehun. I'm actually Park Sa Rang, currently age 22 but the age of 19 in his diary entries. It's been 3 years since Sehun, my dear love left this world. And here I am, Park Sa Rang, using my own memory, and his diary to write these last words. 

I love you.