Jonghyun bounces on his feet, the excitement in him barely contained. He shifts his weight from leg to leg, eyes bright and wide as he stands before the elevator to their dorms, impatiently waiting for the metallic box to arrive. Hopping slightly, Jonghyun feels the lightest he has ever had in his entire life, and an irrepressible happiness bubbled out of him, onto his face.

Grinning what he knows to be a silly looking one, Jonghyun’s eyes lights up when the elevator finally dings, its doors sliding open to admit him. Jonghyun steps in; he is moving closer to his destination.

Jonghyun wants to dance, wants to sing, wants to shout out to the world about the feelings he has been treasuring within him for years. He wants to leap through the streets, singing like cheesy Singing in the Rain as he expresses himself, finally letting everyone see what Kim Jonghyun has been hiding all this while. Jonghyun wants to let live and let loose.

Jonghyun wants to tell the whole world about his love. About who he loves.

Because, Jonghyun has nothing to lose.

Oh yes, in this moment, Jonghyun truly believes he has nothing to lose. His sister has his beloved CD collection from his youth and Roo is finally developing a semblance of attachment to his dad. And his stomach is full from the best bibimbap ever and the key to his car is with his mom. His affairs are settled; all his belongings are in safe custody.

Hence, since Jonghyun owns nothing, he has nothing to lose.

So, it only seems appropriate, now that he has nothing to lose, that Jonghyun should finally let this secret feelings he has had forever see the light of the day. And it doesn’t really matter what Jinki say in response, because the goal of Jonghyun’s mission today is to simply let Jinki knows he likes him, and that’s all to it.

Yup, that’s right, people. Jonghyun likes Jinki.

Kim Jonghyun, a Korean idol, likes Jinki, another Korean idol. And they just happen to be in the same boygroup.

Jonghyun can nearly imagine the hoo-hah that will occur if the world gets wind of this, but he hurriedly brushes the stray thought away.

No, now that Jonghyun finally believes that he has nothing to lose, he will not have any burdensome ideas dragging him down. If he is about to see this through, Jonghyun needs to hold the feeling of invincibility tight to his chest and this wondrous ascetic purity firm.

Because, far from it, Jonghyun has quite a lot to lose. His career for one, his family for another, and of course the easy relationship he has with Jinki. And these are just some of the more significant things Jonghyun can possibly lose from a simple declaration of love. He can also lose the respect of the public, earn the scorn of strangers and become the whipping boy for some intolerant groups among many, many other things.

Jonghyun finds it quite unfair, frankly speaking. He doesn’t see how others have the rights to come barging into his personal affairs, but then again, he supposes, he has surrendered the right to privacy ever since he signed that dratted contract with SM.

Damn it, he should have just become the video game tester he has always wanted to be.

But then, a beaming smile, lips pulled impossible wide, flashes in Jonghyun’s mind, and Jonghyun immediately takes back what he has just said.

There is a silver lining in every cloud after all, and it is all thanks to his precious, sweet, ing awesome contract that he got to meet Jinki after all.

The feeling of buoyancy overwhelms Jonghyun again and he is reminded of that fact he has nothing to lose. Not when he is the sole recipient of that warm, beautiful smile, not when he is the sole recipient of open hugs and crinkled eyes, not when he is the sole recipient of Jinki’s affection.

Jonghyun dares to believe he is Jinki’s favourite donsaeng.

Which leads to his current situation. The elevator doors ding open, and Jonghyun skips out into the corridor. Smoothly retrieving his card key from his pockets, Jonghyun readies himself in front of the dorms.

While he is not exactly expecting much from his imminent confession, Jonghyun thinks he should at least give this the best shot he can. He smooth his hair, working his fingers through the tangled strands, patting at his buttoned downs as he disdainfully flicked off a stray piece of thread that has gathered from his shopping trip with Kibum.

Hah, thank goodness he checked. That thread was out to get him, but Jonghyun has managed to catch it in its devious ploy before anything happens.

Alright, now that Jonghyun is about as presentable as he can be, he holds the card as steady as he can in his hands. He moves it down slowly, trying to swipe it through the lock. However, his trembling hands make the simple action difficult, and Jonghyun finds himself missing the slot completely three tries in a row.

You have nothing to lose, he repeats like a mantra in his head. You have nothing to lose, he admonishes himself.

But it seems like his body is set on disobeying him tonight, just like it always has been. Remember the time when Jonghyun fell on stage? That was not cool, not cool at all. Jinki was just beside him, and his body betrayed him so badly even when his brains was shouting at it to regain its balance.

Jonghyun finds himself pissed at his body now.

Rattling the handle in frustration, Jonghyun brings the card down multiple times in quick succession, only earning himself a red streak on his hand for his efforts. Jonghyun frowns and holds his hands angrily yet forlornly to himself at the same time (because these are the hands that Jonghyun is pissed at, but are also the hands that are hurting). Briefly, he contemplates breaking down the door, but quickly rejects the idea.

That would have been ultimate uncoolness. Because Jonghyun knows that Jinki is inside the apartment now, and unless Jonghyun can make a clean break of the door, Jonghyun understands that his attempts have high potential for embarrassment.

Amendment to inner-mantra: Jonghyun has nothing to lose, except for his manly pride.

Just when Jonghyun is about to aim another frustrated slash at the annoying lock, the door swings open and Jonghyun is met with the sight of his object of adoration in the flesh. Jinki stands in the doorway, looking slightly surprised as Jonghyun pauses mid-motion, his hand outstretched before him in a ridiculous position.

Damn it. While this may not be as uncool as nursing a dislocated shoulder from failed attempts to bust down the door, it earns itself a spot on the uncool meter too, and Jonghyun is not too pleased about that.

Jonghyun has nothing to lose, except for pride which he has just lost a bit.

“Welcome back, Jonghyun?” Jinki says uncertainly, his tone lifting a bit near the end of the sentence, making it a question.

Jonghyun regains his senses and promptly drops his hands back to his sides. “I am back, Jinki-hyung,” he chirps brightly, doing his best to cover up for the moment of uncoolness before. He then proceeds to move past Jinki, shoulders briefly brushing as he squeezes into the doorway, bending down to take off his shoes.

He will pretend that Jinki did not catch him in his failed attempts to return to the dorms which they have stayed in for years.

But Jinki doesn’t seem to have caught on to Jonghyun’s plan. Because the next thing he says, as he watches Jonghyun struggle with his shoes, is, “What were you doing, Jonghyun? I thought someone trying to break into our dorms.”

“Jinki-hyung, if you think someone is trying to break in, you should never open the door like you just did,” Jonghyun conveniently neglects to answer the question. He continues with his gentle admonishment even as his shoelaces seem to be resisting his best efforts to untying them, “What if it was a group of fangirls who wants to bust into our dorms and kidnap you?”

Jinki raises an eyebrow, sufficiently detracted in his line of questioning, “I think I can manage a group of teen girls.”

“Don’t underestimate them, hyung,” Jonghyun says distractedly as he tugs at his shoelaces impatiently, “Remember how Luhan got steamrolled by fangirls at the airport?”

“I don’t think I heard a horde of fangirls just now.”

“They could have just been really, really quiet.”

“But it was just you being really, really noisy,” a hint of amusement creeps into Jinki’s voice, “What were you doing, Jonghyun?”

Jonghyun shrugs. He then stands up abruptly, proceeding to use his left foot to step onto the edge of his right shoe, deciding that the best way to get his feet out of this pair of dratted shoes is to pull them out forcefully.

Damn it, he should have just gotten Velcro shoes.

His left foot slides out of the shoe easily enough, and Jonghyun feels deeply betrayed.

He must have looked a ridiculous sight; struggling so much to untie the shoelaces when he could have just kicked off the shoes with little to no effort.

Jonghyun has nothing to lose, except for his manly pride which he just lost a substantial amount of.

Jinki is grinning at him the next second Jonghyun musters up enough courage to look at him in the eye. And even though Jonghyun knows that Jinki is grinning at his expense, Jonghyun can’t help but to smile back in return. Because that is the only thing any sane, rational, logical man can do when faced with a grin that brilliant, on a man that perfect.

Oh yes, now that Jonghyun has seen that beautiful grin, he can die content.

He has nothing to lose. Absolutely nothing. Because anything that truly mattered to him, like Jinki's smile for one, has never belonged to Jonghyun in the first place. They were all given to him by a gracious god and a good-natured Jinki. Jonghyun has never understood that before, but now he knows. He is lucky, so very, very lucky. 

And he is in this deep; Jonghyun begins to get an inkling to how much he loves Jinki and the enormity of it should have frightened him. Because it is quite a scary feeling to know that so much of yourself belong to someone else, to know that you have actually very little control over your happiness. But rather, the realisation delights Jonghyun, because who else better to love than Jinki? Who else is there to love other than Jinki?

Jonghyun is glad that he has entrusted his heart to the right person.

“Jinki, Jinki, Jinki,” he says, revelation evident in his voice, “Jinki.”

Jinki quirks his eyebrow, and something in Jonghyun melts at that action, “Yes, Jonghyun?”

“Jinki, Jinki, Jinki,” Jonghyun repeats again, his face feeling as if it is pulled impossibly apart by a wide, wide grin. He feels happy by just saying his name.

“Jonghyun, Jonghyun, Jonghyun,” Jinki laughs. His eyes are crinkled, and the laughter lines can be clearly seen, “What’s the matter with you, Jonghyun? Are you high or something?”

Jonghyun shakes his head, smile still on his face, “Oh no, Jinki. I have just been enlightened.”

“Enlightened?” Jinki seems to find that thought particularly funny. He teases, “Are you about to leave the mortal world and ascend to higher planes to watch over us, Jonghyun?”

“Something like that,” Jonghyun grins, body trembling with unbridled excitement, “I have left behind all of my worldly belongings, Jinki.”

“Oh?” Jinki tilts his head to the side, mouth quivering as he does his best to prevent laughter from spilling out, “Does that mean I can take your PS4, Jonghyun?”

Jonghyun makes an expansive gesture, “Take it, Jinki. Right now, I own nothing. Nothing at all. No worldly belongings can hamper me.”

“Ooooh,” Jinki’s mouth makes a small ‘o’ of revelation, eyes twinkling, “So you have nothing to lose now, Jonghyun?”

Jonghyun jumps back a little bit in shock. On any other days, he would have probably hidden his surprise, but now that Jonghyun has achieved a complete understanding of himself, of the person whom he has entrusted his being to, Jonghyun no longer shies away from showing his true feelings. Because hiding is a terribly, terribly tiring thing to do, and Jonghyun has nothing he can possibly lose. Not when he has surrendered anything that matters, everything that matters, to the person before him.

And this is the sentiment Jonghyun has been saying to himself since an hour ago, the sentiment which Jinki just voiced. Jonghyun feels extremely touched.

Their love has achieved telepathy.

“Jonghyun?” Jinki questions when Jonghyun remains frozen even after a few seconds have passed. He waves an uncertain hand before Jonghyun.

Jonghyun shakes himself back to reality then, his hair fluffing out like a puff of dark clouds before it settles down. Mustering all the feelings that are leaping and jumping and running riot in his heart, Jonghyun decides the time is now. Jonghyun looks up at Jinki, dark hair framing his eyes. He beams an unbelievably bright smile, and he says:

“Jinki, I need to get this off my chest, because it has been growing inside me everyday. And I just need you to know this, not that I am expecting an answer or anything like that from you, but yeah, I just need you to know that I am in love with you. I have been in love with you since pretty much forever, although that may be an exaggeration. But I think I have fallen in love with you ever since I met you, and I can’t stop myself even if I want to. Not that I really want to, of course. But I felt I should at least try you know, being a responsible adult and all, try and not to ruin our careers by confessing to you. But since you and I both know I have nothing to lose now, I just need you to know that I love you. Yea, so I love you. Very much, you know. Heads over heels, like madly, crazily in love with you.”

Jonghyun stops finally and takes in a deep breath afterwards. He nearly ran out of air in the midst of his speech but he persevered and managed to make it through without choking on his spit or gasping for air or anything equally embarrassing like that. Jonghyun regains his breath and shoots his blinding smile at Jinki again, not looking the least bit fazed he has pretty much just revealed the greatest secret in his entire life.

Jinki blinks at him, his eyes startling bright. Jonghyun locks gaze with him, happy and unexpectant.

He has done what he has set out to do. There is no longer any nasty secrets festering inside him. Jonghyun felt as if a gust of fresh air has just cleaned out the dusty cobwebs of his heart, and he is finally able to breathe.

But Jinki’s current expression is a stark contrast from his. The bright eyes have given way to a stunned look, and Jinki is staring at Jonghyun as if he has just grown an extra limb.

Jonghyun laughs, because the expression is so comically perfect that it doesn’t really matter to him that Jinki is not falling into his arms like a Disney princess he has always dreamed he would. He laughs because he feels on top of the world and right now it feels as if his heart is made of air and light. Because Jonghyun has nothing to lose, and so he will not hurt no matter what Jinki throws at him.

Jonghyun believes this is nirvana.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki says slowly, deliberately, as if he is choosing his next few words with care, “I am not sure if I heard you right.”

“I love you,” Jonghyun says without a hint of hesitation, that delirious grin still stuck on his face, “I love love you, Jinki. I love you so much that I can’t hide it in my heart any longer. I love you, Lee Jinki. So much that even when Kibum is forcing me test out the samplers to Givenchy’s newest line of perfume that I took a whiff of No. 58 and I knew it would smell good on you.”

Jinki is beginning to look a bit unsettled, as if he is uncomfortable in his own skin. But still, he asks distractedly, “You found out you love—like me when shopping for cologne with Kibum?”

“Oh no,” Jonghyun shakes his head, “I have known I love you since pretty much forever. But I figured I should at least pretend I don’t because you certainly don’t seem to feel the way and we are public figures, you know. But it’s today, when Kibum was harassing me about No. 39 and 58 that I realized all these things shouldn’t matter so much to me because you are the biggest thing that has happened to me, the only thing that I care the most for. And it seems so weird that you don’t even know about it because I have never exactly told you before, so I dumped Kibum and rushed back here.”

“To tell me you like me,” Jinki finishes the sentence faintly.

“Yup, that you pretty much have my heart in your grasp,” Jonghyun’s good mood doesn’t fall even when he notes Jinki’s persistence in using the word ‘like’.

“Jonghyun,” Jinki begins again, “I am not too sure what you are expecting from me, now.”

“Nothing,” Jonghyun answers instantly, “No pressure, Jinki. You don’t have to do anything. I am just telling you because I feel I have to tell you.”

“I don’t think I have ever felt that way before.” Jinki sounds as if he is stalling for time.

“You should. I highly recommend it. It’s like being Iron Man, but better.”

“It seems a bit dangerous.”

“Nah, it’s liberating. I feel a ton lighter, and now you know I love you. That’s all it does. That’s all there’s to it, Jinki,” Jonghyun makes a flippant hand motion.

“It’s not all there’s to it, Jonghyun,” Jinki falls silent. He raises an arm, and stops. He takes a step towards the sofa and halts. Jinki makes tiny, stuttered motions as if he isn’t quite sure where to stand and what to do and where he fits in this dorms they have been living in for years. “The fact I know now… it changes things, Jonghyun.”

“Not for the worse, I hope,” Jonghyun’s earnest energy spills over into his words. He then backpedals hurriedly when he realizes the implications of what he said, “Not that I am forcing you to say ‘Yes, I have been loving you since pretty much forever too’. You are free to do whatever you like, Jinki. Sweep me up into a kiss or throw me out on my . I won’t hold it against you.”

Jinki closes his eyes and takes in a lungful of air. Jonghyun waits patiently as he takes in the profile of the man whom he has just declared his love to.

Jonghyun has nothing to lose. His heart has never been his in the first place anyway. It has been Jinki’s, and so Jinki is free to do whatever he likes with it.

“Jonghyun, you have always been a precious friend of mine, a treasured member…” Jinki starts finally. He opens his eyes and scans Jonghyun’s face intently, touring around the planes of his brow, his cheeks and his lips before he makes contact with Jonghyun’s eyes. Jinki opens his mouth as if he is about to say more, but the words seem to be stuck in his throat and die on his lips and Jonghyun resists the urge to tiptoe, to peer down Jinki’s mouth and see the words for himself.

Because there are so many different things Jinki’s sentence can lead to.

You have always been a good friend of mine, and I hope you will remain that way.

You have always been a good friend of mine, but now I am seeing you in a new light.

Which route does Jinki intend to take? Jonghyun is on tenterhooks, not knowing what to expect.

“And I like you, just not in the same way you like me,” Jinki continues, his words steady and his eyes firm. And Jonghyun is glad that at least Jinki is taking the entire situation seriously, that he is not treating this like a joke. So what if Jonghyun hears the sound of something breaking?

Maybe he lied and his heart is not made of air and light after all. But at least Jonghyun has the courage to tell the person whom he loves his true feelings, and how many people can say the same?

“And I am not sure if I can ever like you in that way,” Jinki says and Jonghyun wonders if there’s really a need for Jinki to keep rehashing the same point over and over again. He gets it, he really does. He will pick up the bits of his heart Jinki has just returned back to him, shattered and broken, not intentionally of course, but he will pick them up and hopefully patch it back together.

But the next sentence out of Jinki's mouth has Jonghyun stuttering in his thoughts, and Jinki says “But I know that you are a really important person to me. And well… maybe I can learn to like you too.”

Jonghyun’s breath catches in his throat and something in his eyes lights up. Jinki can’t help the chuckle that escapes his throat as Jonghyun looks at him with a renewed gaze, as if he has just found the answer to life, the universe and everything.

“Does that really make you that happy?” Jinki asks.

“Are you saying there’s a chance we can be together?” Jonghyun says out reverently.

“I am saying… Yea, maybe. I don’t know,” Jinki runs a disconcerted hand through his hand, “I am not too sure myself because this is the first time I am in a situation like this. All I know is that you are a really important person to me, Jonghyun. But.”

Jinki his lips and looks at Jonghyun nervously.

“Oh,” Jonghyun nods in understanding, “You are giving us a try. Something like a trial run?”

“No, no, I am not playing around with you or anything like that,” Jinki is quick to deny as if he realized how harsh that sounded, “I just, I don’t think I like you the way you like me, and I can’t say for sure if I will. But maybe I can, and I want to give this a chance. But I don’t want you to get your hopes up either, Jonghyun—”

“Ok, Jinki, I got it,” Jonghyun cuts him off, an easy grin back on his face, “I am fine with it. Really. I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” Jinki asks hesitatingly, “Because well, if you aren’t, you don’t have to go along with it. I mean, don’t feel pressured just because I am the one who said it and you like me a lot.”

Jonghyun laughs, “Do you realize how obnoxious you sound now, Jinki?”

Jinki smiles bashfully, “Sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”

Jonghyun returns the smile, and the atmosphere changes subtly. Taking two steps forward, Jonghyun approaches Jinki. Jinki’s legs jerk a bit, as if he is about to skitter away but just managed to stop in time, and Jonghyun ignores that action. He smiles a blinding smile and reaches out a slow, tentative hand to Jinki’s, careful not to startle the other man.

Deliberately, he entwines their fingers, holding it in a firm grasp and stilling the trembles in Jinki’s hand with the strength of his. He looks up and closes the dwindling airspace between them, slow enough so as to give Jinki time to escape, to reject if he wants to. But he doesn’t, and Jonghyun brushes a chaste gentle kiss against Jinki’s lips.

“It’s ok,” Jonghyun whispers a hair’s breadth away, “We have to start somewhere.”

-----------------------

And it starts on the night when Jonghyun believes he has nothing to lose and manages to gain everything.

And it ends the night after, when Jinki realizes he has everything to lose and nothing to gain.

Ohohoho, this is a much happier fic. As long as you don't read the last 2 lines :p