Sehun takes a deep breath; the air in Japan is somehow different from South Korea’s and the last time he had been here was five years ago, durings vacations, with his best friend and ex-boyfriend Jongin.

 

It’s been four years since they broke up. Jongin had decided to fly to Japan to follow his dreams and study to become a dancer at a famous Performing Arts school in Tokyo and Sehun wasn’t one to hold him back.

 

They’re still the best of friends and Jongin called him to come watch his first performance as a professional dancer (ballet, Jongin was always so refined and classy. Once in a while, Sehun wondered what Jongin saw in him).

 

How could Sehun say no?

 

Sehun promised Jongin he would take the next flight and stay for a while after the show. The cherry blossoms will bloom in less than three months and Jongin had told him it would be a beautiful sight. When they visited Japan, it had been the beginning of winter and the trees were bare and stark against the grey sky. These days, Sehun felt the stress of college taking a toll on him and decided that a chance to witness the cherry blossoms with Jongin would do some good for him.

 

He missed Japan.

 

And he missed Jongin. Although so much time has passed, they never lost contact. Yet exchanging emails throughout the years could never be as fulfilling as meeting in person.

 

Sehun can’t ponder over the thought much longer as he exits the gates of the airport, scanning the crowd with a sharp eye for the familiar tan skin and messy hair and built frame of his best friend.

 

He feels a sense of disappointment when he can’t see anyone recognisable in plain sight. The airport is not packed; it’s not near Christmas or any holidays. The place is almost empty, aside from the men and women dressed in formal suits.

 

Strong arms suddenly wrap around Sehun’s body from behind, startling the boy, who drops his hand luggage in shock.

 

“Jongin!” he exclaims, forgetting his bag on the floor, and turns to hugs his long time friend. He sighs and takes a look at Jongin’s face, his hair is longer and he looks more handsome than before (he thought it wasn’t possible, but Jongin proved him wrong. As always.).

 

“Sehun!” the other breathes out and stares at the blond boy in front of him. “You’re so tall and you still look like a walking stick. Your hair, it’s white.”

 

Warm fingers travel through Sehun’s soft locks and he closes his eyes and takes another deep breath. The air here is indeed different.

 

Maybe it’s fresher or maybe it’s not, it depends on him. But Sehun can smell changes.

 

Sehun hopes the changes are good ones.

 

-

 

Jongin, of course, insisted that Sehun stay in his little apartment during his visit to Japan. Again, how could Sehun say no?

 

He agreed. He agreed without hesitation because he missed Jongin. He missed his friend so much, and since they spent so much time apart, he decided he should make up for all the he made Jongin go through when they were dating.

 

He was such a brat and he used to be so demanding. But when Jongin said he got an offer to join The Tokyo Ballet, he couldn’t tell Jongin to give up on his dreams.

 

Instead he did what the cowards do and broke up with Jongin. It was a selfish move, he knows. Jongin looked so dejected when he said those words to him, but he couldn’t deal well with heartbreaks and all the emotions, so he backed away.

 

He was selfish, but Jongin was selfish too. The fact that Jongin couldn't give up his dreams, made Sehun think, think that after all of his naive antics, he should give in sometimes. Everything led him to set Jongin free. His desire to study classic literature caged him; he couldn't (and didn't want to) leave the country, so in the end he chose to stay.

 

He let Jongin go and the latter was kind enough to want to remain as they were before life happened.

 

They enter Jongin’s place, it’s small, but it’s cozy and it smells like Jongin.

 

Sehun remembers how Jongin’s scent was so sweet, like apples and cinnamon. He secretly sniffs his surroundings and he’s suddenly inundated with memories of how happy he and Jongin were during high school. It’s like going back in time, he recollects those memories with such clarity that it almost feels like he’s reliving them.

 

Ah, cinnamon rolls; they used to be Jongin’s favorite. Despite the endless array of dishes to choose from at college, Sehun always found himself biting into a cinnamon roll. Now he remembers why; stupid subconscious making him question his choices (and miss Jongin even more).

 

Sehun snaps out of his daze when something cold makes contact with his silky white skin. His eyes focus on a red can in front of his face and he takes the coke, opening and taking a sip, only to choke afterwards.

 

“Slow down. I would have gotten you a glass of water instead if I knew you would attempt to die on my living room.” Jongin jokes and Sehun rolls his eyes. The remark is so typical of him.

 

“I’m not finding anything funny.” Sehun glances at what he can see of the apartment; it looks neat enough for a boy (or man, Sehun should call him now) who lives alone. “Where will I sleep?”

 

Jongin motions Sehun to follow him and he does, willingly, not complaining about how heavy his luggage is or how his feet hurt from climbing the stairs all the way from the ground floor until the 5th floor.

 

Jongin is surprised when he hears Sehun’s pants; he would have carried Sehun’s belongings if he had asked and he rushes to carry a few of the bags.

 

The place is indeed small, one bathroom at their right side and at the end of the little hall there is a bedroom.

 

“Here,” Jongin takes the luggage out of Sehun’s hands and places it beside the bed, “you can sleep here.” It’s so alive and the room is sky blue, Jongin’s favorite color. Sehun assumes that it’s his room.

 

“Where will you sleep?” he asks and he realises that it really is Jongin’s room: his favorite green lava lamp is placed at his nightstand, it’s surprising how he’s kept it for so long.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Jongin takes a seat on his comfortable mattress and Sehun supposes he’ll say the couch but he might be wrong. “I’m sleeping on the floor.”

 

And yes, Sehun was wrong; he’s out of practise reading Jongin.

 

“So how have you been?” Sehun falls backwards on the bed. He wishes they could skip the small talk. He wants to tell Jongin everything and he hopes Jongin feels the same.

 

“I missed your voice.” Jongin starts, since he sensed Sehun wouldn’t say anything more. “You never called me.”

 

“Neither did you.” Sehun huffs, indeed, both were afraid of making the first move, the atmosphere was still awkward, so they opted to exchange emails instead. It didn’t need to verbalize anything and they could think beforehand without making a fool out of themselves.

 

They fall into a dead silence.

 

“Wanna grab something to eat?” Jongin tries to break the tension and Sehun mentally thanks him.

 

“I’d love to.” he smiles and gets up.

 

-

 

It’s weird how in less than a minute everything can fall apart. A simple ‘I love you’ can change someone, but also a simple ‘I think we need to talk’ or ‘I don’t think I like you anymore’ too.

 

When Sehun asked Jongin why after all these years, he asked Sehun to come watch him. He knows it’s his first performance as a professional, but it’s not his first performance here.

 

It’s not only weird, but also horrible how a single paper can say so much and change the point of view and the surroundings. It’s like a new reality.

 

“You never told me anything.” Sehun controls his anger, he shouldn’t be like this at the moment though.

 

“I’m sorry, I thought it was gone years ago. I neglected my health and when I thought something was wrong.” Jongin chokes back a sob. He hadn’t intended to tell Sehun anything. The boy found some papers around his table, papers he should’ve guarded somewhere safe, away from the prying eyes of people he loved. “It was too late.”

 

“When did you plan on telling me this?” Sehun puts the paper down. He’s not furious or angry, just sad, sad that maybe Jongin thought he wasn’t worth knowing.

 

The brunette looks down and whispers something to himself.

 

“I didn’t plan on telling you this, ever.” Sehun remains quiet, it’s still too much information at all once. “The doctor said it was too late. He told me he needed to be realistic with me and he said ‘you have until the middle of the next year’ and I didn’t believe. I couldn’t believe the leukemia that was cured, years and years ago, would come back. But it did and I didn’t notice any difference. At first I didn’t, but when I took note of how I felt weak for the past two years and how they said I looked pale. I remembered the symptoms.”

 

Sehun holds the urge to shout at Jongin. He had leukemia before, how dare he not tell it to him? Instead, he suppresses the urge to cry.

 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Sehun voices breaks and he closes his eyes. This is not the reality he wanted, not at all, but this is the reality he’s getting.

 

“I didn’t want to worry you over something that was gone.” Jongin laughs; it’s bittersweet and not at all Jongin.

 

“So you planned on seeing me and then when I left you’d disappear?” Sehun hates the word die, he hates it so so much.

 

“The doctor said it’s one kind of a miracle that I didn’t die yet.” Sehun loses control of his tears - he doesn’t want to hear the words ‘die’ and ‘Jongin’ on the same sentence - they leave their wet path across Sehun’s rosy cheeks and hit his clothes.

 

“That’s why I didn’t want to tell you, you’re getting worried.” Jongin sobs silently, pulling his legs to his chest and hiding his face. “It’s not fair, I don’t want to see you sad.” his voice comes out muffled and Sehun’s tears fall without him noticing, how can Jongin think about him when he’s the one who needs care?

 

“Reality is not fair Jongin. I ought to believe that miracles happen, and the fact that the doctor said it was indeed a miracle, the only thing I can do is be thankful that I can be here to see you. I don’t need you worrying over me, you should’ve worried about yourself”  Sehun sits next to Jongin, he’s curled up at the corner of his room. He was afraid when he saw Sehun snooping on his belongings - he was always so curious - and it was too late to hide his medical tests.

 

Sehun hugs him.

 

The warmth that Sehun emits is something that Jongin had missed and longed for since the day he left Seoul.

 

He knew Sehun didn’t want to break up, but he let him be. It was better to not be attached to him. They’d follow different paths, but to his surprise they kept talking and exchanging messages, even if they were only ‘how are you?’ or ‘I got a new book’.

 

When the doctor told him the devastating news, the only thing he knew was that he needed to see Sehun one last time, so he could leave without regrets.

 

He didn’t want to break down in front of him or to have Sehun trembling next to him because of this.

 

“I have an idea Jongin.” Sehun is suddenly a lot brighter and Jongin smiles at himself. This is how he wants Sehun to be when he’s gone. “I want to make up to you for everything.”

 

“Everything?” he asks in confusion.

 

“Everything. From that time I threw ice cream at your face to the day I refused to go out because I wanted to watch tv. I’m sorry for being so stupid. I should have treated you better.” Sehun regrets most of his actions and he's being sincere. So sincere that Jongin doesn't know how to reply.

 

"Will you still perform?" Sehun asks. He had seen Jongin dancing and he bets that he is still as flawless as he was before. Jongin nods and leans his head against the wall.

 

"My last one." he smiles, he doesn't regret anything in his life, but maybe he regrets not being careful enough.

 

"Will you stay until the cherry blossoms bloom beautifully?" Jongin asks, wishing that they can see it together.

 

"That's why I'm staying three months." Sehun states the obvious. It was Jongin who requested for him to stay a little longer. Now he understands why.

 

-

 

“As your best friend I still remember your favorite ice cream flavor.” Sehun beams and forces Jongin to sit down. “I’m going to order and you’ll wait here.”

 

Jongin huffs (“Still so demanding.”) but follows the instructions, he knows Sehun will get it right. It’s ice cream, he likes all flavors except vanilla, even if it’s one of the most popular ones.

 

It’s funny because Sehun’s favorite is vanilla; maybe it became his favorite when he used to buy this flavor on purpose to annoy Jongin, who knows.

 

Cookies and Cream appear in front of him and Jongin smiles. He takes the cone from Sehun’s hands and tastes the cold treat. It’s been awhile; he avoided ice creams, milk-shakes or frozen yogurts, he was afraid of getting a cold and aggravating his disease.

 

“What did you get?” Jongin asks and Sehun places his own cone in front of his mouth.

 

It’s green, so it’s not vanilla. He it and Sehun grins from ear to ear when Jongin takes the ice cream cone from his hands and gives the Cookies and Cream for him to taste it too.

 

“You do know it is an indirect kiss, right?” Sehun chuckles and Jongin hands the cone back to its owner, half of it though.

 

“You talk like it’s something we have never done.” Jongin whispers and to Sehun’s surprise he sounds hurt.

 

“I think we should get back to the apartment, you need to rest for your performance.” Sehun brushes off the matter. It’s another one of his defense mechanisms, but Jongin is too used to it to be bothered.

 

-

 

The day of Jongin’s performance arrived and left before they could even bat an eyelid. Sehun had an authorization to record it and he couldn’t be more happy. Jongin didn’t tell him which piece he’d be performing but Sehun already has an idea of which one it would be:

 

A Midsummer's Night Dream.

 

It was and probably still is one of Jongin’s favorite, and what better than watch him dance with so much passion? Nothing, in Sehun’s sincerest opinion (except maybe a kiss from the same passionate dancer).

 

He recorded every single move Jongin did and he didn’t bother to record the other dancers; it was like his camera could only see Jongin.

 

Sehun managed to go backstage to congratulate Jongin and he saw someone talking to his friend.

 

“You’re really good, are you interested on joining our academy?” A suited man asks his best friend.

 

“I’m sorry, but I'm going to retire soon.” Sehun closes his eyes when he hears Jongin’s reply, nothing is fair and he wishes he could be that one who needed to retire, not Jongin.

 

He decides to go back to his seat. Jongin promised he’d meet him there when he changed and he needs to control the tears that are threatening to fall.

 

The whole walk back home is dead silent. Sehun praised Jongin for the flawless performance but he didn’t know what to say next, instead he opted to walk and look down.

 

“Is the cement really this interesting or you don’t want to talk to me?” Jongin jokes and bumps shoulders with Sehun, who stops walking and turns to stare at the wall.

 

“I always want to talk to you.” Sehun manages to say. “It’s just. This is so unfair.”

 

He breaks into low sobs. It’s been two weeks that he arrived in Japan and everything was fine, even after he discovered about Jongin’s state, but sometimes his feelings get the best of him and everything is so overwhelming. It was too much information in less than a month, not to count the years that already passed and Sehun wishes he could get them back.

 

“What’s not fair?” Jongin asks concerned, he knows Sehun is probably talking about him and he wanted him to forget about it, he got used to it after a month and right now, he wants to forget about everything that’s happening to him.

 

“You. Me. Us. This. Life. Everything.” Sehun wipes his stained cheeks and looks at Jongin with blurred vision. Jongin is still beautiful even through the wetness of his eyes.

 

“Calm down, we still have two months ahead of us.” Jongin hugs Sehun, the latter is shaking despite the warm weather. He’s probably a nervous wreck at the moment.

 

“Only two months.” Sehun repeats and hugs the boy who has his arms wrapped around him tight. He prays that this moment could last forever.

 

“No Sehun. You say we have two long months ahead of us so let’s make the best of it.” Jongin needs to be positive, if Sehun can’t, he’ll try. The younger never was the persevering type. “Now you jump around and laugh enthusiastically.”

 

“Stop being like this.” Sehun pushes Jongin away and walks ahead, he doesn’t want Jongin to try to get his mood up. It’s not happening.

 

-

 

“Please be a little more realistic.” Sehun shouts when they enter the apartment, Jongin is still trying to get Sehun to smile.

 

“And you be more positive.” Jongin snaps back and Sehun gives him a hurt look. He enters the bedroom, shutting the door with a loud slam. Another thing added to Jongin’s almost empty  regret list, because Jongin was always the one who did everything right, is screaming at a crying Sehun (since Sehun is the guilty one, not Jongin).

 

When Sehun exits the room to take a shower he looks around and finds Jongin curled up beside the couch. He enters the bathroom slowly to not wake him up.

 

He tries to wash away all the pain that was hidden inside his being.

 

He washes his face with his tears instead. The pain is still there.

 

The water was hot, steam comes out when he opens the door and Sehun finds Jongin leaning against it.

 

His hair is still wet from the shower and he drips it carelessly on the floor. Jongin’s eyes are closed and he wonders if he’s asleep or pretending.

 

“Do you feel better now?” Jongin says with his eyes still shut. Or at least that’s what Sehun assumes. The room is not well illuminated and he muses if his friend is looking at him somehow.

 

“No.” Sehun deadpans and he groans, falling back against the wall.

 

“I’m sorry for leaving you, if I stayed maybe it wouldn’t be like this.” Jongin whispers while he presses his forehead against Sehun’s shoulder.

 

“Or maybe it would be like this but you wouldn’t have fulfilled your dream.” Sehun sniffs Jongin’s hair, it used to be one of his habits and he misses it.

 

He still misses Jongin’s sweet scent filling his nose early in the morning.

 

“Can I fulfill one of my dreams right now?” Jongin asks pressing Sehun harder against the wall. “Let me rephrase it. Can I fulfill one of my dreams? Again”

 

Sehun’s breath hitches and he doesn't know how to reply (he doesn’t know if he even understood the implication behind Jongin’s words) and instead, nods.

 

Jongin doesn’t wait a moment longer to claim Sehun’s lips with his own. They’re still as soft as the last time he kissed them and Sehun willingly melts into the kiss.

 

He was surprised by Jongin’s assault at first, but then remembers how much he longs for Jongin, just as Jongin does for him. Instead of fighting it Sehun gives in.

 

It’s the first time in four years that Sehun has felt like this. But nothing lasts forever.

 

-

 

Sehun wakes up to Jongin sound asleep right beside him. The boy was right, he wants and needs to make the best out of every second they have.

 

“I know I’m handsome, you can stare as much as you want and I’ll let you even touch me.” Jongin’s lips move but his eyes are still closed and he smiles.

 

Sehun chews the inside of his cheeks and sighs.

 

“Why are you so quiet?” he asks Sehun, peeking through his right eye and facing the boy’s countenance only a few centimetres away from his own.

 

“I’m afraid.” he breathes out and Jongin hugs Sehun’s fragile frame. It’s not like he’s fragile but when the younger is like this, he might fall apart.

 

“Of what?”

 

“Afraid of tomorrow.” his voice comes out as a whisper but Jongin manages to catch it.

 

“Think about now then.” Jongin replies and Sehun nods. “So what do you want to do now?”

 

“If saying that I want to be here, right by your side, forever is not possible. I want to stay like this for the rest of the day. Can we?” Sehun snuggles closer to Jongin’s chest and rests his head against it. He can hear his heartbeat, and it’s faster than normal, just like his.

 

“Yes we can, only if you let me do what I want right now?” Jongin says proposing a deal to Sehun, and maybe Sehun wants Jongin to ask him the impossible, so they won’t be like this for the rest of the day and they won’t be attached to each other (which is quite impossible since they were already like this a long time ago).

 

Sehun nods and waits, and waits, wondering what would Jongin request.

 

“Let me love you until June comes.”

 

“Only if you let me love you too.” Sehun replies with glassy eyes. “Though, I never stopped loving you.”

 

“But you have to promise me that you won’t let it get to you when I’m gone. Please, live like you’ve done without me until now, and I’ll be looking and waiting for you with a smile on my face and when we meet again, I want to hear you say ‘I did it’.”

 

For the rest of the day, and even the week they stayed like that, side by side, relying on each others arms like nothing around them mattered anymore.

 

-

It’s when the calendar hits the beginning of March that Sehun doesn’t want to let go anymore.

 

It’s not like he got attached, he already was, but spending almost two months by Jongin’s side made him realize how much he could’ve done before and it infuriates him that he won’t be able to compensate the boy for everything.

 

The blooming of the cherry blossom trees are nearing at each day, the streets look more vivid, it’s saddening how everything is not fine. The arriving of the season, while bringing beauty and freshness, will bring bad news to both Sehun and Jongin.

 

The gloomy mood prevails, and Jongin has to bribe Sehun with skinship to make him get out of the apartment to enjoy the beautiful sunny days of spring.

 

It’s beautiful, when April arrives but causes Sehun to be even more worried about Jongin, worried about himself, worried about everything. It’s hard to fall asleep every night when he knows what awaits.

 

Everything happens so fast Sehun doesn’t even have time to blink. One minute they’re walking, hand in hand, finally appreciating the full blossoming of the flowers and the petals flying around the park and above their heads, and the next Jongin’s hand isn’t there anymore, tight and warm on his skin. Instead the one he loves looks so pale, having collapsed on the soft grass. Sehun blames himself until the last fiber of his being for not paying attention to the symptoms.

 

The hospital is not far, Sehun lifts Jongin with care and runs as fast as he can, Jongin is almost as tall as him and he tries to stay strong, is still hard to carry someone when you’re this thin, he's also being prudent to not get into a car crash. The streets are full, everybody wants to see the beauty of spring at the park. The car moves, and the city isn’t left behind, everything goes past them; it’s not like they’d stop working because of someone in the crowd.

 

The frantic lack of oxygen in Sehun’s lungs when they arrive at the emergency section of the hospital is bad, but bearable. He sits at the waiting room and does the obvious: he waits.

 

A tall figure in a white coat calls for him, he tells that the patient is doing well, for now, and that he can enter the room to meet Jongin.

 

“Hi.” Jongin says from the bed, IV plugged to the vein on his hand. It’s heartbreaking to see someone so cheerful as Jongin stuck in a bed, looking so vulnerable and weak.

 

“Why are you so reckless?” Sehun cries out, he nears the bed and eyes the boy, taking the free hand into his and he clutches it, like his life depends on Jongin’s pale and cold limb.

 

“I’m not reckless Sehun.”

 

Sehun doesn’t reply to Jongin’s words, instead, he lets them fade into silence as he lies his head on the hospital sheets.

 

-

 

“Mr. Kim, I remember telling you to take care of your health, and look where you are right now.”

 

Sehun hears the commotion inside the room and tries to listen to it from outside. He knows it’s not right to eavesdrop, but he doesn’t care anymore. “What did you do to faint in the middle of the day?”

 

“I did nothing wrong, doctor. I was just walking around the park, looking at the flowers and trees and maybe it’s my immune system being weak.” Jongin’s shaking and moving his arms, the doctor takes notes on his clipboard and sighs.

 

“Don’t do anything that may shorten your living.” Coming closer to his patient, the doctor shows him what’s written on the papers. “I saw the exams they ran on you. I know you want to live a little longer-”

 

“No, doctor.” Jongin pushes the clipboard away, and Sehun remains stoic outside. “Actually, I don’t mind anymore, my wish was granted already. I can leave in peace, really.”

 

Sehun gulps and gets up from his seat, in search of coffee he so desperately needs right now.

 

“Are you sure?” the doctor questions, Jongin nods his head, eyes closed as he smiles, wholeheartedly, and a tear kisses his face.

 

It’s not sorrow, it’s not regret, it’s not sadness.

 

It’s pure gratification.

 

-

 

Sehun eventually gets used (at least, that’s what he tries to tell himself) with the idea of Jongin not being here anymore.

 

He passes his days with him, at the hospital, waiting for the day to arrive.

 

He wishes it wouldn’t, but instead of living in misery, he does what Jongin said at the beginning.

 

They should make the best out of it.

 

Be it the way Jongin’s voice sounds always so sweet, or the way he blushes when Sehun insists to feed him, the little details are what matters.

 

Humans are mortal and there’s no point arguing about it.

 

The little details, that’s what Sehun lives for henceforth.