Plot: 12/20

The plot, once again, is the love triangle.

I like the fact that it was not Lay who saved the girl though. Also, it’s different that the girl left Luhan, and not the other way round. Some slight twists make all the difference!

Okay. Time for the loopholes.

First, I’m pretty sure no girl, no matter how good at martial arts/muay thai, will not go into a dark alley and fight six boys. She won’t even go into the alley to check things out; she would call the police.

Also, in chapter 6.5, Tao looks so un-serious while saving the OC. And they’re even joking when the danger’s not over yet.

Let’s just say you have many loopholes to look on, and some dialogues and feelings are not appropriate for the situation.

Characters: 12/20

Your OC is both slightly emotionless and unbelievably brave.

For one, when she broke up with Luhan, she wasn’t sad or anything. Actually, I wouldn’t say that is a problem with her character; it’s more a problem with the lack of description.

Also, your OC seems to be immune to fear or nerves.

Probably it’s just the fact that there’s too little description her and loopholes that makes you OC seem a little…inhuman.

As for Luhan, he is a pretty good character, though I can’t seem to discern anything about him, as you don’t really write many dialogues with him. I just know that he’s a really sweet guy. However, shouldn’t he be hurt when your OC rejected his kiss?

Lay-he’s also really sweet, but the fact that he got into a gang fight makes him badass. I think he has badass potential, and that’s a side of him you could bring out J! Other than that, I don’t think there are many problems with him except for the slightly sudden appearance of Krystal- don’t think Lay should have brought her out if he liked Celeste already.

Flow: 10/15

A lot of trouble with paragraphing here. You tend to make a new paragraph halfway through your sentence. It heavily disrupts our reading.

Also, your sentences don’t fit well with each other. It seems like you are just in a rush to get it finished, rather than writing. Do what comes naturally, don’t mash.

(InvisiNinja’s motto for life: DON’T MASH.)

As for the pace of the story, I feel that the lack of description makes the story go too fast. You introduced characters and sub-plots very quickly. Too quickly. Take time to build the suspense up.

Writing Skill: 19/30

I won’t be too harsh here because, as you said, English isn’t your first language.

However, I find it kind of disturbing that there are still grammar, spelling and other phrasing mistakes even with the presence of a beta reader. And for some people, reading stories with lots of mistakes can be really harsh on the eyes.

I’m glad though, that you know that your grammar isn’t fantastic. That’s the right attitude!

It’s good that you tried to put in good phrases and all that, but it didn’t go well together, and once again, it looks like you’re just randomly mashing good phrases together. Let it come naturally to you, and that is when it’ll sound the best.

You need to describe things in more detail, especially your feelings in the story. That will make your chapters longer, and add more ‘value’ to the story.

As for your grammar, the tense is always changing, especially in the first paragraph. I am assuming you are trying to write in past tense.

Here are some examples…

Grammar:

[001.]

You were humming BTS's song 'I Like It' and walked peacefully.

Correction: You hummed BTS’s song ‘I Like It’ while walking peacefully.

(And by peacefully, you mean…? Peaceful is usually for scenery. You should use ‘calmly’.)

Phrasing:

[002.]

You looked around the room () still half-awake () and saw 6 boys who just appeared in your eyes.

Correction: You looked around the room, still half-awake, and saw 6 boys who seemed like they had appeared right in front of your eyes.

(Example of phrasing gone wrong. I think this is what you meantJ)

[006.]

"He borrowed money from us and never repaid us back, so when it hit his deadline, we decided to give him a good beating at a dark alley, and then you showed up and showed us how beautifully () danced (fight) at night () trying to save him,”

Correction: “He borrowed money from us and never paid us back, so when it came to the deadline, we decided to give him a good beating in a dark alley. But then you showed up and demonstrated how beautifully you could dance while trying to save him.”

(In this case, there is no need to put (fight) there. It is already understood. Also, the word ‘Show’ is repeated twice.)

Description/Forward: 3/5

Your forward is apt and to the point, but perhaps too direct. You shouldn’t just tell everyone outright that she’s going to fall in love with both of them. Also, maybe you shouldn’t just state Luhan’s relationship with Celeste because I think if you had not stated it in the forward, it would have made an interesting plot twist. Maybe you could have dropped little hints here and there in the forward.

Title: 4/5

Nice title! I can see how it relates to the story: ‘heroine’ is referring to Lay’s thoughts about Celeste while ‘first love’ is referring to Luhan.

A bit cliché, but nicely done!

First Impression: 2/5

The very first paragraph was good.

But the second one. The killer.

First of all, the part ‘making the bell ring behind your ears’ sounds awkward.

Also, for the next three-six paragraphs, you used the word ‘you’ almost at the start of every sentence, making it sound extremely weird.

Work on the first chapter, that’s usually the determining factor for stories.

Overall: 62/100

I think your writing skill pulled you down tremendously here. However, I’m glad that you really tried to put in some descriptions here and there. A for effort, remember?

Also, I can see improvement from the first to the thirteenth chapter. Keep it up! As long as you keep trying, I’m sure you’ll gradually improve as well.

-InvisiNinja

Story link:

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/610765/my-heroine-my-first-love-fluff-krystal-romance-exo-luhan-tao-lay