“A year and a half… the last time I saw her tear-stricken face -- and that time I have never been so confused in my life. When she became my girlfriend, I forced myself to believe that it was going to last, whatever it was between us.” Himchan glanced over his therapist’s grand kids playing in the yard. He continued speaking, not tearing away from the sight of kids running around. “I’ve never been so happy. All those mornings after – her wearing my favorite shirt, making coffee and smiling at me. I’m sorry I— I get carried away when I talk about her.”

“It’s okay. Carry on. That’s why I’m here, you know. Tell me everything.” The therapist smiled.

“How long have you been married to your wife, doctor?” He asked.

“Nearly 40 years now. Why?”

“Was there one moment in your life when you became exhausted?” Himchan now looks at his therapist. Patiently waiting for a reply.

“Loving her? No. You see, son, she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Then I wouldn’t be wrong in assuming that you understand me when I say that until now I still love her. Despite how long I haven’t seen her and talked to her.”

“I’m happy that after all these things we’ve talked about ,you decided to finally open up about this love of your life. Tell me, what was your favorite thing about her?”

Himchan laughed softly, a bit embarrassed by his therapist’s sudden question. “Um…” he started, “she’s… a bit odd.”

“How so?”

“In a good way, I mean. She… she doesn’t like seeing kids being hugged or kissed by their parents. She cries whenever she sees one.”

“What else?”

“She likes having my feet on hers at night. Because it’s cold. Also, she likes it very much when I make her hot cocoa on late afternoons.”

“Such fond memories…”

“I don’t know if she still has it. But she has this photograph of me sleeping. Actually, she had lots of ‘em. But my favorite was the one she took while I was sleeping on her lap and she had her fingers my hair.”

“You two seemed like you were really in love. What happened?”

“Well… there was this one time. She was at a friend’s house, there was a party…”

Himchan met Hyorin when he was still an intern at one of Korea’s entertainment companies. She was an actress and a model. And somehow, as fate would have it, they just clicked. They dated for quite some time and then finally Himchan asked Hyorin to marry him. But marriage isn’t always what a girl wants. She also had dreams, ambitions that she wanted to pursue. So she said, maybe in a few more years. Himchan agreed to wait, so long as she moves in with him. Which Hyorin did. Himchan didn’t even need to beg.

One day, Hyorin went over to a friend’s house for a birthday celebration. She didn’t know that a man from her past was going to be there as well. The past shouldn’t matter so much, right? But somehow after seeing the man again after such a long time, she became confused. She loves Himchan. But right then she felt as if she was cheating. She denied the seemingly apparent fact that old feelings were surging in but she couldn’t look away.

This was a part of Hyorin’s life that she never told Himchan. Because she thought it was no longer relevant, but now she realizes, she might haven’t told Himchan because she wasn’t over her ex yet. Not entirely. She might have hid it in her subconscious and now that it’s all back she doesn’t know what to do.

That night she came home to a man sleeping peacefully on their bed. She pulled up a blanket on his waist and kissed his cheek. She didn’t think it was possible, that he loves this man so much but she also loves someone else. She looked at his serene face and felt sorry that this is image is going to shatter the next morning.

And that’s exactly what happened. She told Himchan about the guy she saw last night. Himchan understood immediately that this wasn’t an ex that she had during high school. This was a man she loved before him. Today, he saw how Hyorin changed in that span of 12 hours. He felt how cold she was that morning when she handed him his coffee. Of course, she tried hard to conceal it. But very poorly so, since she already knew how Himchan could see through her any time.

That was when she told him to break up. She told him that she didn’t want to hurt him any longer. Himchan was terrified at the sight of the woman he loved vanishing, escaping farther and farther away from his grasp. He was angry but he tried to reason with her. But somehow it felt like it was too late. He was hurt. And was even more hurt when he saw that she had already packed her things the night before. How come he didn’t hear anything? If he woke up that time she started packing would things be different today? He thought.

Hyorin left. And he stood there, facedown, letting his tears fall on the floor and on his feet.

He fell asleep with tears stained on his pale cheeks.

He told his therapist all about this. Apparently, he’s already past his wallowing days so he can talk about it and not cry in the end. But he still feels wretched when he remembers. Also, he misses Hyorin. A lot.

--

Another day at the therapist, another day of realizing how much of a loser he had become just because Hyorin left him. No, wait. Hyorin wasn’t any ordinary person. Because if she was, she couldn’t have created this much havoc in Himchan’s life.

When he arrived home, it was late afternoon. The skies were gray and Himchan hated it. He picked up some pizza on his way and he was eating some when he heard the telephone ring. He was too lazy to pick it up thinking it was probably his mom and dad checking in on him. And so the telephone soon stopped ringing and he heard something else. He thought he heard a scraping in the background but no voice. And then he heard a sigh.

Strangely enough, he knows that sigh. It’s her.

That night he couldn’t sleep, thinking how Hyorin got his new telephone number, where she is at the moment and all that stuff. Months after she left him, he moved to a new place, where he’s living in right now. He also got an offer to work for another company, which he accepted and where he now works as an executive. Thanks to his parents’ intervention, he never strayed away from his job. He just really had his heart beaten so bad. He wonders if Hyorin also knew this.

He went to work that week thinking all about it and when he finally got to meet his therapist again, he told him about that voice mail he received and how he knew that it was Hyorin. Funny how the main reason he started seeing a therapist is the last thing he ever talked about with him.

The next days were frustrating. Everyday he would receive a voice mail with nothing but that one familiar sigh. And then one day, he was walking past the telephone table when it rang. In an instant, he froze. The telephone kept ringing and when it switched to voice mail, he counted the exact number of seconds before that familiar sigh comes again but before it even came he had picked up the phone.

“You know, you could just come here and we can talk. You know I’ll always listen.”

And with that he put down the telephone and inhaled deeply. Oh my god…

He was out in his back porch when he heard the bell ring. Once again, he froze, only this time, just for a moment. And he hurriedly went to the door and opened it, not even peering through a window to see who it was.

And there she is. The woman that broke his heart.

“Hi.” She greeted.

“Hi. Come in.”

“I’m sorry for all those voice mails. I just couldn’t…” She seemed to be struggling with words but Himchan pretended not to notice.

She took a deep breath and continued, stepping closer to Himchan like how she used to when she wants to apologize about something.

“I’m sorry… for what I’ve done. I… our friends, they… they told me everything.” Himchan could hear her voice slightly shake. “I didn’t intend to break you like that. I never thought…” Tears are now falling from her eyes and Himchan struggled to fight back the urge to wipe them away.

“What’s past is past. Things happen.” He doesn’t really know how to respond so he just spluttered nonsense.

“How have you been?” She asked, wiping away the tears that fell on her cheeks and forcing a smile.

“I’ve been… well. Some rough days in the middle but everything’s taken care of.”

Hyorin couldn’t see any emotion in Himchan’s face. It’s like he had grown so distant from her and that he couldn’t care less whether she kneels for forgiveness, his blank face won’t ever change.

Himchan cleared his throat. “So I saw you at a cover of a magazine today. How is that modelling school you’re building?”

“It’s going great. We’re just signing contracts with people but after that it’s gonna get rolling.”

Himchan smiled. “Have you been well?”

That’s what she was waiting for. She thought she’d never see it again. For a moment there she could feel her heart skip a beat.

“I guess. You?”

“Therapist every weekend. But yeah, I’m swell.”

“I heard you just got promoted.”

“Yeah I did.”

Hyorin could feel her ears turning red. She couldn’t think of anything else to say. But then she remembered the first time Himchan ever talked to her. It was at the set and she was about to go in front of the camera for the shoot but Himchan walked up to her and casually asked, “Noona, would you like to have coffee with me after your schedule?”

“Hey, um, do you wanna go out and have coffee with me? And eat some cakes maybe…”

“Now?”

“Yeah.” 

“Hold on, let me just get my coat.”

--

That afternoon was pure torture. Hyorin watched Himchan drink his coffee in silence as if waiting for her to carry on with the conversation alone. But she ran out of things to say. And she didn’t wanna apologize to him endlessly although that’s what she really wanted to do at first. Or she could just ask him to take her back. No. That’s just pathetic.

She settled to watch the cars pass by and maybe Himchan will talk to her soon.

“So have you sorted out your feelings?”

“Huh?” Himchan’s question was so sudden she nearly choked on her frappe.

He just stared at her with that blank face, awaiting an answer.

“I did.”

“Great.”

That sounded a bit sarcastic. That’s it?

“Would you like to sleep over? I got movies. And popcorn.”

Hyorin couldn’t help but look down and smile. That’s what she told him when they were just getting to know each other. Yes, she once asked Himchan to sleep over at her place. God damn I missed him so much.

“Sure!” She said.

“Let’s head home then. It’s freezing here.”

‘Let’s head home.’ He still loves me. Thank goodness.

That’s always been the way it is between the two of them. When one of them does something wrong, that person should apologize. Even once is enough. Also, actions; one’s forgiveness is based on his/her actions. If you’re sincere enough, everything will go well.

Normally, Hyorin would walk two or three steps ahead of Himchan when they walk around the neighborhood. She’d be holding Himchan’s hand the whole time and Himchan would be quietly watching her or taking pictures of their hands on his phone. But today, Hyorin is the one watching from behind. She takes a picture of Himchan walking at least seven steps ahead of him. He was wearing a navy blue sweater and a black beanie. His skin is as pale as ever.

“Don’t fall too far behind.” Himchan said. He could hear the snapping noises from Hyorin’s camera. On other circumstances he would have grabbed the phone and looked at the shot but he was too busy texting his therapist. [Doctor, I’m sorry I won’t be coming to our session tomorrow. Hyorin’s back.]

As soon as Himchan sent the text to his therapist, he turned to see how far Hyorin lagged behind only he couldn’t see any Hyorin in sight. He heard someone whimper and saw that Hyorin was patting dust off her jeans, flat on the concrete. He chuckled. Still clumsy as ever.

When they reached Himchan’s house it’s already dusk. Himchan was humming that song that she liked so much. He was fumbling with his keys while Hyorin stared.

“You stare at me too much.” He said.

“Oh. I didn’t realize.”

They went inside the house and soon as Himchan put down the keys to a shelf, he raised his hands as if in surrender.

“What’s wrong?” Hyorin asked, suddenly worried.

Himchan turned to look at her. And Hyorin was thankful that Himchan’s blank façade was finally gone. But something’s weird and it scares her.

“Himchan…”

“You know I’ve been having this weird feeling ever since you showed up on my doorstep.”

Hyorin blinked. She didn’t know how to respond. Nevertheless, Himchan continued talking.

“How dare you…” His voice shook and so did his hands. “…leave me and then come back like it’s just something you can cover up with I’m sorry?”

“Do you have any idea how many nights I had nightmares because of you?”

“Do you have any idea how much I missed you?”

It crushed her. But just as she felt her soul being torn she felt that familiar touch. Himchan. She could feel him embracing her… and kissing her neck. She felt her tears drop. She whispered “I’m sorry” and Himchan hugged her even tighter. “Don’t ever do that again.” He said.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”