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{39}

“Your poem?” Tiffany guessed as I opened up her laptop to load the file. I nodded, feeling my fingers were nervously shaking as I inserted the USB into the port and clicked on the document. Why are my fingers shaking so much? Holy , should I even show her this? The poem was insanely personal and I was practically telling my muse what I thought of her. My nerves were running themselves like crazy. I hesitated a bit before opening my mouth.

“Do you want to read it yourself or…should I read it for you?” I asked her and she rested her head on her hands, looking in my eyes as if she was looking for something. I wasn’t even breathing. I don’t think I could read it for her, so I silently hoped she chose the first option.

“I’ll read it myself,” she decided and I felt my breath exhale, but there was still a pressure riding on my chest. I handed over the laptop and stood up.

“I don’t want to be in the same room with you while you read it, I’ll be outside,” I told her and she nodded, turning her attention to the words on the screen as I left the room.

I walked into the kitchen, helping myself to a bottle of cold water and leaned my arms on the counter. A little part of me hoped the cool countertop would lessen the heat my body was creating. What will she think about my work? My heart was beating faster. “Taeyeon?” my head nearly flew off as I looked up to meet Mr. Hwang’s blazing eyes. “Were you with my daughter the day she didn’t come home?” I thought back to the times I hung out with Tiffany, and I remembered the one night she was smoking weed where I didn’t want her to go home. It suddenly occurred to me that my siblings and I had a late dinner and Tiffany told me she came straight to my house after Jessica talked to her. I felt even more nervous in the presence of her father as I realized she probably didn’t show up at her house after she left for school.

“Y-yes, Mr. Hwang, she stayed at my house that night. I apologize for not contacting you to tell you she had slept over,” I hung my head, ashamed that I had let that important note slip my mind.

“Huh, guess she wasn’t lying…” Mr. Hwang grumbled and I felt my heart relax a little bit more as I realized he wasn’t upset with me. He took a deep breath and rubbed his stubble tiredly before looking at me again. It was strange; I’ve never seen him like this before. Being a worried father seemed to be a new thing for him too. “You’re really not leaving anytime soon are you, Taeyeon?” he asked me and I smiled a little bit, shaking my head. He may be intimidating and rude but he still loved his daughters.

“No, Sir, I hope I can stay a long time in Tiffany’s life,” I replied and for a fleeting moment a slight smile appeared on his face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile.

“Good,” he simply replied, patted the counter and returned to his computer. I raised the water bottle and held the coldness against my pulsing neck. This family, why do they do this to me?! “I’ll hold you to your word, Taeyeon,” he reminded me and I nodded, even if his back was facing me at the moment.

“Yes, Sir, I give you my word,” I told him and I drained the bottle dry before wiping my lips with the back of my hand and decided on going back to Tiffany’s room. Hwangs, dear God, they scare me. I was afraid and yet excited to see her reaction. How would she take it? There were lots of possibilities running around in my head about what might happen since she’s read it. Even with Tiffany I know I hid a lot from her, and exposing myself to her was a freaky thought. You have to stay calm, Taeyeon. Every part of me was shaking; I could barely open the door. All of my muscles were out of whack! I had to slap my face before grasping the knob and walked in without another thought. I looked to the bed and noticed Tiffany’s teary eyes over a closed laptop. What.

“Fany-ah?” I stepped over to her and she looked up, immediately tossing her computer onto the bed and engulfed me in large bear hug. She didn’t even look like she cared for the computer at that moment. I furrowed my eyebrows slightly but patted her back. Okay then, what does this mean?

“God that was so good, I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled and I felt a little better.

“We had to get up in front of the class and recite our poems, but I started crying really badly at the knife part and I couldn’t finish reading it,” I confessed and she held me tighter, flush against her. She whimpered a little.

“Did Mr. An give you a good mark? He better have,” she commented and I nodded, still petting her hair.

“I got an A on it, don’t worry,” I smiled as she let go and wiped her eyes. She really liked it…

“You did a great job, God that was so good,” she continued to say and I felt more bashful than usual. “Was it about an actual person or…?” I had expected this question, but I was still a bit hesitant. Then I remembered when Jessica and I had talked that day.

“Someone else read this poem and asked me how I got it to be like that, if it was about an actual person…” I gulped and nodded once. “So I said yes.”

“Who?” she simply asked. I bit my lip. Just say it, it’s okay.

“You,” I said, looking up at her slightly dropped jaw.

“O-oh…I kind of guessed it was, but I was kind of afraid to say it,” she then wrapped her arms around me and another little weight fell from my shoulders. “Do you know how much I love you?”

“Not really, but I’d like to think a lot.” Woah that was really honest of me to say. I guess if I didn’t think anything was easier to say to Tiffany.

“Yes, a lot a lot, like, a whole lot,” she exaggerated and held me tighter. I felt our hearts beating, pulsing together in that odd rhythm that makes me question all of my emotions. I always wondered how Tiffany interpreted love. It was different than mine, but did she even care about when she used that word?

“I love you a lot too, like, I don’t think you can understand it,” I breathed and she let go of me, looking up curiously.

“So make me understand,” she responded and my heart beat right out of my chest. Don’t. That was my first thought. I couldn’t explain it to her and I couldn’t show her, at least, not yet.

“Maybe some other time,” I told her which resulted in a slight pout. I’m sorry, I thought too much about it. Maybe when I can just blurt things out I’ll tell you or show you. “I’m kind of curious about something, though…” I mentioned, partly to change the subject. We both sat down on the bed. Her reaction wasn’t what I really expected either. I spoke about her both negatively and positively; I was surprised she hadn’t asked about why I thought of her in a scarce yet bad way.

“Huh?” she hummed and I bit my lip again.

“Well I was just thinking…I said some pretty questionable stuff in my poem. I’m surprised you didn’t say anything about it and I was kind of afraid you were going to,” I mumbled and she smiled a little bit.

“I understand, nobody has just positive thoughts about me,” she shrugged and gently touched my cheek. I know that Tiffany doesn’t care about how people think of her, but I was her best friend. I felt like my insecurity and jealousy wasn’t supposed to be there and I was supposed to just be her friend and be there for her. My negative emotions, to me, were like betraying her in some sort of way.

“I still feel like I’m hiding something from you, like, I don’t know why but it just feels bad,” I sighed and she looked at me with another little smile.

“Don’t worry about it, I decided not to dwell a lot on it,” she leaned forward and kissed my cheek. Does that mean you want to think about it?

“So you’re okay with everything I said?” I asked again and she nodded.

“Mhm, I think it’s really sweet,” she told me before kissing my other cheek. I smiled.

“That’s good, I know I can mix my emotions and I don’t make a lot of sense when I talk about how I feel sometimes,” I muttered.

“Don’t worry about it,” she insisted but I had trouble believing her. I was afraid I made her a little upset, her eyes dimmed. I sighed, but I knew she would just stick to her story no matter how much I badgered her. “Like your poem said, no matter what, I’ll always love you.” It wasn’t a lot of words, but my breath was taken away with the ambiance we were in. I was just kind of enveloped in a sea of love and it was kind of painful and liberating at the same time.

“Fany-ah,” I breathed and I felt something building up inside of me. I knew, immediately, it was something I wanted to keep down.

“Mm?” she replied, not letting her hand or eyes leave me. I thought I was going to die; I was for sure I was going to pass out at that moment. Everything hurt, tingled, and burned all at once. My head felt light and all of the weight moved to my chest. Is this how Tiffany felt when she confessed?

“I…I th-think, no, I-I’m—.” I was suddenly cut off when Mrs. Hwang burst open the door and for some reason I stood up even if she knew I was in the house. I mentally scolded myself for not speaking faster and at the same time for nearly blurting my secret. Should I have spoken faster? Was it better that I didn’t get to finish my confession? How do I feel about being interrupted?

“Dinner’s ready,” she told us and I nodded, glancing at Tiffany who also focused on her mother. Does she suspect it now?

“I’ll help,” I said and turned to the latter. “You can copy the document for yourself, if you want,” I offered, watching as she gave no hesitation to open up her laptop again with a slight smile. I smiled a little to myself before leaving the room.

 Mr. Hwang had left and Michelle was at college so it was just the three of us. Mrs. Hwang talked to me about what every other parent talks about with kids: grades, school, and relationships. Even if it was summer, Asian parents never seemed to stop asking about our education. When it came to her asking about if I had a boyfriend or not I immediately said that I didn’t want a boyfriend. It was a tiring subject because adults who tried always seemed to find a reason why “people should date you” and whatnot. I usually stopped the conversation when I reveal I only want to date one person for my life.

After dinner I cleaned the dishes and decided that I should head home since I didn’t inform my parents I would be staying over. Once Tiffany was finished copying the poem onto her computer I put my USB drive away. “Did you even look at your yearbook, TaeTae?” Tiffany asked, pulling out said book and I shook my head.

“I don’t read any of it until the actual end of the school year but I was busy with you,” I smirked and she opened it up, scanning the contents. I hadn’t expected so many people would want to write in my yearbook, but I was glad people wanted to. She flipped to the back cover where more colorful writing could be found and I noticed her reading a passage written in black sharpie. She smiled suddenly, really bright too. What did she read?

“Read these when you get home, Babe, some of them are really sweet,” she told me and stuffed it back into my bag.

“I will, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I quickly kissed her hand and left the apartment. I should’ve confessed.

Where do I start with you? How can I possibly describe what we went through?

Our relationship, it’s definitely unforgettable, and we’re not even done yet.

There’s no in between us, everything’s caught up in my throat.

But for an unknown reason you’re like some sort of uncontrollable drug, frustrating in one moment and euphoric the next.

Make up your mind will you?

Don’t rip me apart and then try to put me back together; I learned from you I’ll never be the same.

I still remember, at one point, I thought you were my angel but I realize now you’re just like me.

Imperfectly human, with your good and bad moments.

There’s a little part of me that hates you, but no matter what an even bigger section knows I will miss you if I tried to let go.

You may have stabbed me in the back but you’re the only one who can decide: to take it out or to turn the knife.

You may have burned one dream but, like a phoenix, passion was born from those ashes.

You may have knocked up the heat but you gave me the moonlight to soothe my burns.

Even if you hurt me and frustrate me to no end I cannot bring myself to be upset with you.

Instead I choose to embrace your flaws, and I know many of my peers loathe your very presence, but I love you.

I’m vertically challenged yet you make me feel like I’ve grown two feet taller.

I’m trapped in a room but you show me the window to escape.

I’m stuck on the ground and you give me the wings to go up.

My little star, why am I so easy on you?

I stay up until 1AM thinking of what we’ll do when I get out of bed. The others say this isn’t it, but with you I am invincible.

No one can understand these contradicting feelings I have, sometimes I don’t either.

Tears are shed when I think of you but I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I don’t want to, I’m 200% sure.

So we may argue and we may fight but we will rise and I will always remember who held me towards the jackpot even if we separate.

There are no words to further explain how thankful I am, although you probably didn’t mean half of the things I noted in this poem, they’ve all impacted me the same way.

I promise you I will stay this way for eternity, as long as you promise to stay with me.

Guess the pattern with the underlined words? :3