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{35}

I wanted to hang out with Xiumin more often since he was aware of my secret and I had to take rain checks with Tiffany and Jessica sometimes. I said it was to study for finals, which was partly true, but I enjoyed talking to him just about that kind of stuff. I guess I misunderstood my project partner, he’s been suspecting me for weeks. “You know being in love with Tiffany isn’t a bad thing, right?” We were at the park, sitting on separate swings and eating apples that we got from his house.  The sky was bright blue with few clouds and a streaking sun. It was almost summer time and it felt like it. I chewed on the fruit and swallowed before answering him.

“I know, but, it’s just hard to say. I can’t really explain it,” I shrugged, touching my upper lip with my forefinger. I couldn’t say it, I’ve never spoken the words “I love Tiffany” or “I am biual” before and it was actually hard to voice it. I don’t know why, but it was scary.

“So, are you a lesbian or panual or…?” Xiumin raised an eyebrow at me.

“I’m…bi,” I finally confessed and I realized how strange it sounded coming from my own mouth despite the relief filling my chest. I glanced around nervously but I already knew we were the only two at the park. “But recently girls are a little bit more appealing to me than guys,” I admitted.

“That hurts, Taeyeon,” he joked and I rolled my eyes causing him to laugh. “Nah, I get it. The opposite becomes such a cliché,” he finished off his apple and tossed it in a trash can. Nice shot.

“That…and I just feel like protecting someone in my relationship. Guys like to think that they’re automatically the protectors, but with Tiffany, I know she always needs my help,” I explained and he nodded, seeming to get my way of thinking.

“If I was into guys I’d probably think the same,” he said jokingly and I chuckled a bit, playing with the metal chains on my swing.

“I’m actually, glad I can talk to you like this,” I admitted, tossing my apple core into a nearby trash can while Xiumin clapped briefly.

“I can tell that not a lot of people know, if anyone,” he noted and I nodded at the second option. “If you ever need to just talk about it, just come to me. We both have hardcore parents; stress comes by easily from anything else.” I had learned that Xiumin’s grandparents were like mine, constantly expecting more and comparing to other, smarter children. We really understood each other, I knew him on a whole different level.

“You don’t know how much that helps,” I sighed and he smiled a bit, nodding. It really felt great.

“Hey, you’re a good person, you deserve a break from that hard love life of yours,” he said and I scoffed, adjusting in my seat.

“If you could call it that, it’s more one-sided,” I mumbled and he turned so that we faced each other.

“I don’t know, she looks really drawn to you,” he insisted and I thought back to the looks she would still give me, the smile she always showed, the things that made my heart melt in an instant. I smiled a bit just thinking about it. Oh boy, my heart can’t take it. “I see normal best friends, but I look at you guys and I just see rainbows frigging everywhere!” he smirked and I scoffed, feeling my face heat up.

“Whatever, stop with the rainbows,” I sighed and he chuckled, jumping from his swing and I followed in suit. We grabbed our backpacks and walked along the pathway.

“Didn’t…Tiffany used to like that Nichkhun guy?” he whispered and I nodded, but felt no pain at his name. He was old news.

“She doesn’t care for him anymore, he hurt her,” I muttered and I felt Xiumin’s hand on my shoulder, patting my chest like it didn’t matter we were different.

“You could treat her so much better,” he insisted and I smiled. I already do. I hung my arm over his shoulder and we continued walking around the park like that. It was so great to have such support and encouragement from someone about something so important to me. I was so grateful. “Hey, isn’t that Tiffany and Jessica up there?” I looked up and did in fact see the two of them talking…rather seriously too. At first I wanted to tell Xiumin to avoid them but then Jessica caught notice of us and nudged Tiffany which halted their conversation. I wonder what they were talking about.

“I thought you were studying, Taeng?” Jessica glared at me and I smiled nervously.

“Can’t two people just walk in the park after studying for finals?” Xiumin asked, saving me from anymore lies. I realized our arms were still around each other and we let go simultaneously.

“You better not corrupt her, Xiumin,” Tiffany stared at him and he held up his hands innocently, winking at me quickly.

“Come on, Taeyeon’s practically like the other guys,” he said but she still stared at him, and then turned to Jessica.

“I’ll talk to you later,” Tiffany said stiffly and the blonde nodded once.

“Later Xiumin, bye Taeng,” the singer gave me a soft smile making me smile back and she left with a little bounce in her step.

“I gotta run too, grandparents are visiting,” Xiumin let out a deep exhale and I gently patted his back. “I’ll see you tomorrow Taeyeon, Tiffany,” he waved and ran off before I had anything to say about it. Damn that little matchmaker.

“Wanna go to my house, TaeTae?” Tiffany asked, breaking my insulting thoughts, and I nodded.

“Sure,” I agreed and we began on our way. The park actually wasn’t that far from Tiffany’s house, within walking distance. “Why were you here with Jessica?” The question just slipped out my mouth, I couldn’t control it!

“We were talking about something,” she simply stated.

“What about?” I asked, again, without a thought.

“About why you decided to hide the fact you and Jessica slept in the same bed together,” she spat and I stopped mid step on the sidewalk. ing , Sica. I felt my heart shaking as much as my hands were. “You better keep following me or else things are gonna get worse for you.” So I kept walking, but this time, at a distance.

My mind was racing in all kinds of crazy. The guilt she made me feel with just the way she said a single sentence hit me hard. I was scared, but I knew I shouldn’t be scared because we weren’t even in any kind of relationship. Then again I had broken a promise and I knew it had hurt her in a way. But why did she make me promise that in the first place? I slapped myself in the head. Don’t get distracted! I felt uncomfortable on Tiffany’s bed and closed my eyes to imagine myself elsewhere. I’ve tried avoiding it ever since the drunken incident, but with Tiffany in a mood today it was inevitable. I still remember that kiss…I touched my lips for a brief second and leaned back against the wall. “When were you going to tell me?” I opened my eyes and noticed the beer in Tiffany’s hand. My heart sunk.

“Fany-ah—," I began.

“Nope, you don’t have liberty to talk about this right now,” she shook her finger at me, took a long swig, and set the glass on her desk. I felt a pain in my stomach when I saw her drink. Dammit Taeyeon.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” I said and took a breath to calm myself when she looked at me. “It was just for two nights though and do you think I meant for it to happen? The seniors took both beds and she insisted I sleep on the futon with her,” I explained and Tiffany shook her head, gulping down some more beer, torturing me further. She waited for a moment before opening . I was afraid of what would come out of .

“I understand, Jessica already explained it to me,” she grinned a little as I narrowed my eyes at her. Wow, thanks Tiffany, I nearly died from fear.

“Oh, so you scared me for nothing?” I asked and she nodded once, making me frown even more.

“Know your place, Babe,” she winked and handed me the bottle of beer. I stared at it for a second and then back at her. She’s giving me alcohol after that night? Doesn’t she even remember what happened?! And then the thought caused a thrill to run up my spine: does she want to get me drunk? I shook my head. It’s only a sip of beer; this one won’t get you drunk. I took a tentative sip and handed it back to her. She finished it off and then placed the bottle in the trash, the other girl then rolled onto bed with me and into my arms. Easily, I held my hands at the small of her back and Tiffany smiled against my neck. “This is your place,” she mumbled softly and I melted. Oh my God, don’t do this to me right now. I felt warm throughout my body and I held her a little tighter.

“I understand.” And yet I don’t. Who am I to you? What are we together? Why do you do and say these things? How can you act the way you do around me? Where do we stand? Questions filled my head, making it throb, but I simply laid it on Tiffany’s shoulder. Somehow that eased the pain.

It was late at night when Michelle and Tiffany dropped me off; I walked into my house after Tiffany kissed my cheek goodbye. Something felt wrong, something felt different. I realized I didn’t like hiding from so many people. Xiumin was the only one who knew both of my secrets, but I wanted to expand my circle of trust. I felt like I was suffocating inside of my tight circle. I saw Jiwoong and Hayeon in the living room. “Where’s everyone else?” I mumbled and my brother looked up.

“Sleeping, we’re the only two awake,” he responded and I gulped. I want to tell them.

“Hey Taeng, when you get a boyfriend—.” I was so sick and tired of hearing the word “boyfriend”. With Tiffany on my mind, I didn’t have time to deal with the stress my hidden uality gave me. This was the last straw.

“I’m bi.” Holy what did you just do?! I widened my eyes slightly as they both looked at me with similar eyes. The seconds ticked by as if time slowed down, I couldn’t breathe. I wasn’t sure if I should feel regretful, but their reactions would determine that.

“What?” Hayeon asked and I took a seat on the couch they weren’t sitting on. I collected myself again.

“I’m bi,” I repeated, shakier and less confident this time, but I tried to make sure I didn’t sound worried. It was like my heart was being held in nervous hands. Hayeon and Jiwoong exchanged looks with each other.  

“I suspected it,” Jiwoong shrugged and I breathed deeply, smiling a little. He’s okay with it.

“I thought you might, but I wanted to tell you guys anyway.” I knew that a part of me wasn’t so discreet in being interested in girls, I said if girls were cute or attractive when I thought so.

“Well, you’re bi. We’re okay with that, if that’s what you want to hear,” Hayeon nodded and I smiled, feeling it was really easy to breathe. They’re both okay with it. A little weight disappeared from my shoulders.

“I don’t know if I’m biual or not,” Jiwoong confessed and I looked up.

“Fan-boying over G-Dragon doesn’t count,” I noted and he laughed a bit, lightening up the atmosphere.

“Honestly that was most of the part,” he chuckled and I was left wondering what the other part of it was.

“Wait…being bi means you like guys and girls right?”

“Oh my God, Hayeon, right now is not the time to act stupid!”