Sometimes I wonder, why is there someone like you? Someone who is so perfect you try not to blink so that you don’t disappear as if you are an illusion. I love every bit of you. I love it when you brush my hair and how you braid it after the shower. I love it when you smile, especially when my niece comes to stay with us for a couple of days. That smile of your when you play with her is so precious. I love it when you rest your head on my lap while we watch a movie or read a book. I love it when you make me coffees in the morning. Not a bit less I love when you make me coffee in the middle of the night when I’m up to work. I love it when you let me sleep with you when it storms, because I hate thunders.

There just so many things I love about you… But there is one thing I hate about you. I hate the fact that I’m just your best friend you share a flat with. We met in the middle school when you moved into our area. Our parents were childhood friends and thus how we became inseparatable. My Brother used to joke about us being a couple. Unfortunately his jokes never turned into reality. You never saw me as a woman. Before my eyes you would bring a girl into our apartment and would ask to stay over at my brother’s place or at Luhan’s.  Both Luhan and my brother knew how I felt, but they couldn’t do anything but let me cry on their shoulder.

That’s the only thing I ever hated you for… I never hated you for ignoring my feelings, bringing the girls or that time when you punched me in the stomach so hard I had a massive bruise on my poor tummy back in middle school. I could have hated you when you came to me to talk about you girlfriend when you fought but I didn’t. I could’ve hated you when you canceled our pizza night, which we never EVER canceled, even when I fought with my mum we still had it but you canceled it because your poor girlfriend was very sad about something. I could’ve but I didn’t.

Why can’t I hate you?

My brother said that I should move out from our apartment. He is seriously worried about me. Well, I see where it’s coming from. I haven’t socialized with anyone for a week now. I’ve been ignoring most of my friends. I’ve locked myself up inside. I go to university, then go to work then go home, do more work, eat, read or watch a movie and then go to sleep. You tried to do something so that I open up and tell what’s wrong. Your super nice girlfriend also tried to help me, knowing that I’m almost a sister to you and it makes you sad to see me like that.

I think I’ve given up on me and you, I dreamt that will one day will happen. I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of seeing another girl around you. I’m tired of hearing about you and her and not you and me. Since I’ve decided that, I finally had courage of packing my things, and saying goodbye to you and our small apartment in which we lived since high school. I had so many expectations for our apartment, but they never got a chance of happening. I moved to my brother’s place, that’s where I felt like I was safe. I could’ve gone to my parents but that’s the first place you’d come and my mom wouldn’t stop you from seeing me. My brother would and will do that.  I know that I shouldn’t stay at his place longer than I already did, but he and his wife insists on me staying and they know I can’t say no.

But there is a thing that snapped something in me. You never came to find me at my brother’s place. In fact you didn’t come to find and my parents place either. I felt like my whole world fell apart. You didn’t need me…

***

Sometime later, when I finally recovered from you. I moved out my brother’s apartment and bought myself a small cozy studio in the centre of the city. My pieces were sold quickly allowing me to live without worry for the near months. My heart almost doesn’t hurt when I think of you. The world around me brightened again. Every time I look out the window I see beautiful sky, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is night or day, I breathe in some fresh air and pretend that I’m flying, pretend I’m free from everything.

“Hey” a simple, three-letter word that made my heart stop.  I don’t have to turn to see who it is. It is you again. And I wonder why haven’t I felt like my again-beautiful life turned into ashes? I guess I grew up. Even if I still love you, even if I still have feelings for you, I know how to handle them.

“Aunty!” my niece scram over the playground waving at me from the opposite side of playground, I waved back.

“Jihee. How you been?” you walked closer but remained a little behind me and I could smell your new cologne, must be your girlfriend deed. It doesn’t suit you.

“I’m good. You?” your cologne is choking and I feel that you’re staring at me.

“I’ve missed you. You left so unexpected.” You signed.

“How is Haera?” I asked not exactly wanting to know anything about your girlfriend.

“It’s been 4months and you ask me about Haera?” you sound annoyed. What did you expected me to ask you? You didn’t bother to come looking for me for 4 months and forget my feelings to you, I was your lifelong best friend. “I don’t know how is she. I haven’t heard of her for almost 3 and half months now. I hope she is doing well.”

“Okay.”

“Jihee, tell me, what happened then? You changed your number, I couldn’t get to you, your  S.N.S. accounts were deactivated.”

“You know where my parents live, you know where my brother lives. You could’ve come.” I said taking a small step forward; your cologne is very bad.

“I was out in China. My grandmother died. Didn’t Luhan tell you? Or Baekhyun? Anyone?”

“I sorry. I didn’t know. Well, no one told me.” I saw my brothers car pull to the side opposite to the small park me and my niece were in, he waved at us, “Sorry. I need to go. I’m sorry to hear about your grand mom.” Calling for my niece I hurried to my brother. I was surprisingly calm about the encounter. I was proud and surprised of myself. Relieved even.

“Who was that?”

“Yifan.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I?”

Next time we met was at our mutual friend’s party. You were alone. I was with my friend Sehun. He made jokes that made me cry from laughing, he jumped around me like crazy which made everyone laugh. Sehun is someone I met and someone who became my crazy partner in crime. If I was out for work he would go with me around the city, helping me, telling me stories, inspire me. If he needed something I could give him, he had it. My always-open-for-him fridge, old but cozy sofa or a piece of advice of how to improve his works. He was my companion, I was his favorite nuna but he is just a year younger.

I saw you again at a pizzeria. We sat across from each other. Then you moved to my table. We talked about everything ate our pizzas and then you walked me to my studio. I invited you in. I guess I shouldn’t have but what’s done is done. And you kissed me. You shouldn’t have done that but I didn’t stop you, putting my hands around your neck. From a gentle kiss it turned into a deep kiss, and then I out. Everything I kept inside burst out, every single feeling I had for you. I lost myself in your kiss and woke up only when we both lay on the bed, your hands going up and down my body. I didn’t stop you when you pulled off my tee, I didn’t stop myself when I ed your white shirt. I don’t know if I’m going to regret it tomorrow when I wake up but I know one thing I want you to touch me and kiss me, and look at me the way you look now. I want you to whisper my name. I want you to love me this exact moment. I don’t care about tomorrow; all I care is what is happening now. And now you love me.

“Why did you do this?” I asked you in the morning, still lying in your embrace, looking straight in your eyes. You remained silent looking back into my eyes. You right hand gently stoked my cheek, then tracing my face features with your thumb.

“I don’t know. I wanted to do it.” You whispered kissing my cheek and then squeezing me in your arms, burying your nose in my hair. All your actions made me slowly go insane. So many years I wanted you to hug me like that, to kiss me like that. But you said you just wanted to do this. That’s not what I expected. Well, maybe I did but I tried to hide that thought. I mean you’re not a jerk like that; you would never lay a finger on me to prank me this way. I was still your best friend, still baby Jihee.

I slowly untangled myself from your hands and sat up, revealing my to you. I was confused. For some reason I wanted it to be a dream, in a second I would wake up alone in my bed and make myself a breakfast. I didn’t want to know that you slept with me just because you wanted to. Keeping the thoughts running through my head like that I haven’t mentioned how you sat behind me, combing my hair with your fingers.

“You didn’t use me, right?” I whispered. Your fingers stopped, I could feel your gaze. Your hands fell.

“Why are you saying this?” you whispered back. For a second I thought I heard pain in your voice.

“You said you slept with me because you wanted to…”

“Because if I said, that I loved you wouldn’t believe me.” You stood off the bed picking up your clothes. I remained silent. I wasn’t sure what to say. You were right, I loved you for so long, I’ve seen you love another girl that I would not believe you that you kissed me yesterday because you loved me. “I guess..” I didn’t let you say anything, literary fly off the bed hugging you as tightly as I could, burying my face in your chest, “I loved you for so long, that I… wouldn’t believe you. I would think you decided to prank me.”

“Jihee…”

“Fan, please, don’t leave me…ever.”  My knees buckled, but you wrapped me in your arms not letting me fall.

“My baby Jihee, forgive me for everything I ever done to hurt you. I will never let go of you. Ever.”