[HER]

Did you ever wonder why coffee always gave us a sense of nostalgia? It was like coffee was made so that we could reminisce the days we never thought we still remembered. Or perhaps it was only because the aroma that the coffee gave off was just too strong that it made us think of times that we were together—of the times that we spent together.

Did you ever wonder why rain always reminded us that we’re no longer together? It was as if rain was made so that we could realize how lonely it was without each other. Or perhaps it was only because the cold breeze that went with the rain blew against me and no one would warm me up. And it did remind me of the times that we were together and how you had kept me warm.

Today, the sun didn’t rise and dark clouds covered the sky. It didn’t take long for the rain to fall from the sky and kiss the ground. I sat on my front porch, rocking the chair forward and backward as I held a large mug of newly brewed coffee between my hands. I didn’t drink it. With both of my eyes closed, I just smelled the coffee as it kept my hand warm. And it was as if you were with me again. A smile crept on my face, but it lasted for only a few moments because as I opened my eyes, I found myself alone.

The smile that was there was immediately replaced by a frown. I brought the mug towards my lips and took a sip of the hot bitter liquid. And just like any other rainy days, I began to remember my first love over again.

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If there was one thing I hated the most way back in pre-school, it was show-and-tell day. It wasn’t because I couldn’t bring anything to show to my classmates but it was because I was just too terrified to speak in front of them. I could say things the wrong way or maybe, they would notice that I was missing my two front teeth. Six year olds could get embarrassed too, you know.

And so, when it was my turn to stand in front and bring anything to show my classmates, I faked a stomach ache.

To my surprised, a classmate of mine named Kwon Jiyong (whom I haven’t spoken with before) came to me and started to massage my tummy. He looked at me with those brown eyes and he had a reassuring smile on his lips. It was as if he was telling me that everything was going to be alright. Because of it, I forgot to pretend any longer and so my teacher forced me to stand up in front, since I was clearly feeling better now.

I was about to run away when the very same boy took my hand and squeezed it. He gave me another smile before he walked with me to the front of the room. He never let go of my hand. And that’s how I conquered my fear. I realized that there was nothing to be afraid off. After all, he was just beside me.

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As I grew up, I realized how much I liked pre-school better than grade school. In pre-school, if you poured all the paint in one paper, it was already art. In grade school, it would be called garbage. In pre-school if you did a Hula dance with Hawaiian outfits on, it would be considered cute. In grade school, you would be laughed at because your baby fats could be seen.

But what I hated about grade school the most was that kids my age were immature. Well, being twelve wasn’t a valid reason for being immature. And who, in his proper mind, would create such social hierarchy in school? Why were there a line separating the Barbie dolls and the rag dolls? Why were Ken’s only allowed to mingle with Barbie’s and not with the rag dolls? Didn’t rag dolls have the rights to be happy and have a Ken comfort her?

Or maybe, I was just too bitter that I wasn’t a Barbie and he was a Ken.

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I couldn’t even remember the last time we had talked. I couldn’t even remember a time that we had talked at all. In fact, the only interaction we had was pre-school during show-and-tell. And that was it. I even doubted it if he remembered what he had done for me. I even doubted it if he knew I existed.

The social hierarchy was still there and I never went up the social ladder. Perhaps popularity wasn’t my thing. Or maybe, I never did conquer my fear of people. After all, he wasn’t holding my hand anymore.

We were already in middle school and even after all these years, I still carried a torch for him. But how could I not? Every time I told myself that I shouldn’t like him any longer, I would see him walking on the hallway. His brown eyes would light up and his smile would just take my breath away. And for a moment, it was like pre-school over again.

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Just when I thought that middle school was the worst possible thing that could happen in my life, high school came. My parents once told me that high school was the second best thing that happened to them (and I was the first), but maybe they were just making me feel better.

High school for me was like a battlefield—a hell in earth. Barbie’s would laugh at me while Ken’s would shove me and tease me. They would always pull juvenile pranks at me and I almost felt sorry for myself. It was as if Barbie’s were the Evil Queen while the Ken’s were the big bad wolf. I had always thought that they were all the same, until someone came and prove it wrong or at least, made me confuse.

Ken 002: Mohawk guy with big muscles. He’s also known as Ken 001: Brown eyes and killer smile’s best friend. Yes, I had made codenames for all of them as if they were Escherichia coli serotypes. But seriously, their codenames were just their popularity rank and their identifiers.

Dong Youngbae, as Ken 002 was commonly called by other people, surprised be when he talked to me. Well, he didn’t really talk to me. My backpack had been thrown up on the tree that I had climb up to get it. I had no problem with climbing a tree aside from several cuts I had acquired on my hand. And so, after I got my backpack, I planned to go to the school nurse.

I didn’t like the infirmary though. It reminded me of the day I rushed to the hospital when I heard that dad had a car accident.

And so, just imagine the surprise on my face just as my shoes touched the grassless ground when I noticed a small bottle of isopropyl alcohol and two rolls of bandage lying beside the tree. I saw Dong Youngbae walking away from me and I was positive that he was the one who left it. I wasn’t quite sure of how he had done it though. After all, he was the one who threw my bag.

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In this life, there were several mysteries we just couldn’t solve. In a woman’s case, it was the mind of a man. It was like they were suffering from a neurologic disease. One minute he wouldn’t talk to you, the next minute, he would act as if he never acted like you never existed.

I always thought that I would be seeing rainbows and butterflies on the day that Kwon Jiyong finally would talk to me. But as that day came, I saw dark clouds and moths instead. I always thought that I would be hearing fireworks on the day that Kwon Jiyong finally came to me with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. But as that day came, I heard an erupting volcano instead.

We were standing on the bleachers side by side as we were staring at the empty field. We were carrying our own umbrellas as we were both afraid to get wet. We had graduated yesterday and I was spending my last few minutes alone when he came with a bouquet of tulips and lilies—my favourites and two cups of coffee.

He handed me one cup of coffee and I remembered thanking him as I took it from his hand. I took a sip and he did the same before he started a conversation. My heart was about to explode as he began to talk to me. I had been waiting for this moment to arrive for almost all my life. But as soon as the next words came out of his mouth, my heart just dropped and broke into a million pieces.

“Someone asked me to give this too you.” He said as he handed the flowers. I only stared at it because of disappointment. But just to be polite, I took it from his hand. I even smelled the flowers and fake a smile out of politeness.

He smiled back and it was enough to make my heart skip a beat. No matter how heartbreaking this moment was, I was glad that I was spending this time with him.

We stayed silent a little while before I realized that it was getting darker. I was about to say goodbye when he told me that his friend asked him another favour. “He told me to hug you for him.” He said hesitantly. Thinking that this was my last moment with him, I nodded my head. He instantly dropped his umbrella and leaned towards me and gave me a bittersweet embrace. Though I was prepared for the hug, but I was not prepared of the warmth he had given me. I inhaled his scent and it made me dizzy. I feared that if he would let me go, my legs would betray me and shake. I dropped my umbrella and we were starting to get wet. Yet, he didn’t let me go.

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College was a blur to me. I couldn’t exactly remember anything that had happened during those times. Perhaps it was because there was nothing worth remembering. Perhaps it was because I didn’t get to see those brown eyes and the reassuring smile on the hallways anymore.

There was no more social hierarchy. There were no more bullies. There were no more childish pranks. There were no more lunches in the comfort room stalls.

Should I be happy? How could I? There was no more him.

And no matter how many times bullies tried to hurt me, no matter how much people would laugh at me after they had pulled a prank on me, no matter how many times I eat lunch in the smelly and dirty comfort room stalls, I’d rather have that again if it came with a package that have him in it.

Those days might have caused pain to me but he was always there...and his mere presence could make me bear the pain.

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Today, the sun didn’t rise and dark clouds covered the sky. It didn’t take long for the rain to fall from the sky and kiss the ground. I sat on my front porch, rocking the chair forward and backward as I held a large mug of newly brewed coffee between my hands. I didn’t drink it. With both of my eyes closed, I just smelled the coffee as it kept my hand warm. And it was as if he was with me again. A smile crept on my face, but it lasted for only a few moments because as I opened my eyes, I found myself alone.

The smile that was there was immediately replaced by a frown. I brought the mug towards my lips and took a sip of the hot bitter liquid. And just like any other rainy days, I began to remember my first love over again.

I heard that he had returned. I should be happy, right? But how could I? I heard that he was getting married. Sadly, our love story ended even before it started.

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