PG-15 (I think.....)

Sigh~ I let out a sigh from exhaustion as I sat on the steps in front of the door of her apartment. 

Who is 'her'? 

Ai. Her parents must have love her so much to name their child 'Ai', which means 'love' in Chinese. As her name implies, she is very loveable. A sweet girl who always wears a gentle smile on her lips, is well-versed in household chores, caring and adorable due to her height, which is her weakness as she always whines about that to me. She is very short, barely hovering at 160cm. When we first met at a friend's party, the first thing she said was "Wow....you're so tall" When we stood side my side, the top of her head is at my chest and she always has tilt her head back a lot to look to up look at me and talk. 

Despite her sweet and gentle appearance, Ai is a strong lady who is also very self-respecting. I have never seen her behave thoughtlessly. Every single of action of hers and every word she speaks hold a single meaning. She can be very bubbly too. To be honest, I really don't get her. One moment she is like a rabbit, gentle and sweet and when situation calls for it, she turns into a tigress who is fierce and ready to pounce. Nobody could ever win her at debate for she will make that final, sweeping statement to win over everyone, making them speechless. 

Frankly, I became a close friend of hers because of her qualities as a loyal friend. Back in the days when I debuted as Kris Wu, there were people, who claimed they were my friends, selling out my personal information for their short wave of fame. I am someone who values personal information since I do not want to be a burden to my family. I truly believe that if you are my friend, you should not do actions that will exploit my life.

Ai is not that type of friend. She respects my privacy and knows how to protect it from her part. Even though she works as a well-known stylist in the same city, she never spoke to me on personal level if we happen to come across each other on different projects, where I had to model for. She would either smile a little or nod at me and maybe exchange a few words relating to the work. Nobody, except a few close friends of ours, know that we are really close friends. That's probably why I am drawn towards her. 

There she is. That well-known stylist, Ai, in her own world with her headphones on, carrying her huge work bag and in each of her hand was a massive grocery bag. She didn't see me as she stepped out from the lift for she is always lost in her world when her music is on. I looked at her as she wobbled her way through the foyer. As soon as she saw me sitting at the steps, her bags dropped from her bag as she clutched her chest in fright. 

"Yi Fan!!!" she chuckled, half-amused, half-frightened, "you scared the life and soul out of me!" I laughed. She shook her head in disbelief as she bent over to pick up all the scattered groceries. "It's all right, I can pick it up. You just open the door," I instructed her. 

Once we're inside her apartment, to which I am extremely familiar with, I went straight into the kitchen to stock her refridgerator. As soon as I opened her grocery bag, I chuckled in amusement at her grocery items. Ai is what I call a health-enthusiast. She has her own meal plan and whenever I eat with her, she will always force me to eat vegetables and fish, which I hate so much. In fact, she is the only one who could force-feed me with vegetables. 

"Yi Fan, what would you like?" she called my name from the kitchen counter she is operating at, "I have tea, coffee and hot chocolate." 

"A cup of green tea would be nice," I replied as I stacked her vegetables in the fridge. 

A few minutes later, we are sitting face to face at the kitchen counter, with a cup of green tea in front of us each. As I was fiddling around with my rings on my fingers to give myself something to do, she was scanning my face. 

"What happened?" she broke the silence. 

"What do you mean what happened?" I retorted, "Do I have to come visit you only when I'm in trouble?" 

"Not exactly," she started laughing, "If you haven't realize it yet, let me enlighten you. Have you noticed that you only come to visit my house when you are overwhelmed. This place is like your secret hideout," she waved at her living room.  

Her words made me think. It's true. I hardly ever visit her house unless I am feeling overwhelmed from my life. For some reasons I cannot, her house gave me comfort and warmth that I cannot describe. I feel so much at ease when I am in her apartment than when I am at the dorm, where I have lived for many, many years. Maybe it's the yearn for the much needed privacy of mine since we hardly get privacy. Well, what do you expect when 6 guys, excluding their manager, share an apartment, right? 

Her house is, as she said, is my hideout. Manager-hyung cannot track me down here. Members cannot track me down here. Nobody and absolutely nobody can know about this place. It might be the brightly lit living room of hers decorated in white, muted gold and silver accessories or the smell of freshly washed sheet scented candle she keeps burning or it's the presence of hers. I do not know why I am attracted to this place. It's the place where I destress whenever I feel overwhelmed from the world I live in.

"Ai?" I called for her name. "Hmmm?" she responded as she re-appeared back in to the living room, changing from her work outfit into the loose lounge wear. 

"I want dinner," She gave a half-suppressed laugh after hearing me speak, "What's with that timid expression? Of course! I never let anyone leave this household without having them be fed. Just help me with the chores, I'll make crispy baked fish with rice and vegetables." 

I feigned disgust by pulling my face "You just put all of my most hated food in combo within a meal." She started giggling, "Of course, I am the only one who can make you eat them. Stop pretending, you know you like this and it's good for you," she scolded and I smiled as I turned away my face. I really do like her crispy baked fish, it doesn't have the fishy smell anymore but the perfect aroma of ginger and spring onion with a little drizzle of soy sauce over it. It's very delicious.  

As she moved around fluidly in the kitchen, I sat on the counter to help her peel ginger. 

"Yi Fan, are you on some sort of crazy diet?" she asked a question so abruptly that it caught me off guard. My hands, which were scraping of ginger's skin with a teaspoon, stopped. How did she know? Indeed, I am on a crazy diet. I am naturally skinny and lanky, especially during my promotional cycle when I have to jet-set across Asia. By habit, my appetite decreases when I am busy. I prefer sleep over food during those times. But during breaks, my appetite increases. My love for sweet things doesn't help either; sweet green tea latte, white rabbit candy and all the delicacies. Thankfully, I am not a big fan of fried food or else I will have to spend my life doing nothing but dieting and exercising. Right now when the group is gearing up for a comeback, I have to look skinny and muscly to fit the chic image. And, of course, I have to choose the path of starvation to speed up the process. 

"How'd you know?" I asked her in surprise. "Just a gut feeling, your face looks a bit hollow and I just made a wild guess." 

It surprises me about how she can pick up the details so well. She can be so observant and so detailed sometimes, like a mother.

Fifteen minutes later, she has already put in the fish in the oven, pressed the 'cook' button on the rice cooker and a pot of water was already boiling on the gas stove for the vegetables to be blanched. I was sitting on the bar stool once again, holding the green tea cup.

I was pretty lost in my own thoughts, from endless hours of dance practice exhaustion, until I heard her voice, "Eeeeeeeeeeee," 

She was trying to reach the top shelf but her height was limiting her, with her fingertips barely touching the top shelf to get to the colander she was trying to retrieve. 

"Here, let me help," I stood behind her and took out the colander from the top shelf with ease, with my upper body and arms brushing past hers. She tensed up at the touch and swiftly moved to the side, behaving as if nothing happened. I faced her to give her the colander. Her rosy cheeks turned scarlet and spreaded out. "Thanks," she replied without looking at me in the eye and continued doing her job as she is supposed to. 

Ai, being someone who is well-versed in social skills, managed to break the awkward silence from the incident before and remained bubbly throughout the dinner. As always, dinner with her is always fun and light-hearted. She never talk about life and career at meal tables. Her belief is that meal tables should be somewhere we all enjoy with a light-heart. We can all go into the lounge to discuss more serious stuff. I still remember her shooing away two of her friends for discussing about relationship drama over dinner. I had never seen her being so crossed at people like that. Since then, I try not to bring up about serious topics whenever I have dinner with her. 

"Ai," I called for her name and she looked up at me from washing the plate in the sink, "Do you mind if I stay late here?" 

"Yi Fan," she frowned and her eyes narrowed, "Please, why are you acting like a stranger? Of course you can stay here as long as you like." 

To be completely sincere, I am hiding a big secret. I like Ai. I really, really like Ai. Not as good friends but something more, a lot more. It didn't start this way but the more I get to know her, the more I like her. She had been there for me whenever I need support, she had been my therapist whenever I needed to talk to someone, she had been there as a great friend. 

Of course I thought about asking her out but considering the fact that she rejects every single guy I have ever known to ask her out, I dare not. I'd rather not make things awkward with her. Ai is not a believer of love. She thinks love is just a delusion. 

One of the reasons as to why I snuck out of my dorm to visit her unannounced is to tell her how much I like her, how much I adore her, and how much I want her to become a big part of my life, like the sun is to earth. 

Right now. That girl is sitting beside me on the sofa in her living room, with her Kuma shawl wrapped up around her and dozing off. The TV is playing a fashion program but she was oblivious about itm and slowly drifting off into her dreamland as her head leaned onto the arm of the sofa. Her long dark hair draped around her face, her long eyelashes rimmed her eyelids, which are slightly moving, and her lips, god damn, those lips. Ai has a pair of full lips, which are like rose petals, and they are the most attractive features of hers, to me at least. Whenever she spoke, they move gently as she caressed the words before she deliver it in a modulated. I remember my heart racing for the first time when I first heard her speak, I couldn't tear my eyes away from her lips. They are now parted slightly, breathing in and out slowly as she slept, since she has trouble breathing with her nose when she sleeps. 

"Ai...what should I do with you?" I muttered and moved closer to her just so that I can touch her forehead to her hair. Ai has a habit of rubbing her head whenever her hair is while she is sleeping. She moved closer to my hand and rubbed her head like a kitten that wants attention. She doesn't know that she's does it when she sleeps. 

An hour pass, then two. It's about time I go back. Seeing Ai sleeping defenselessly is making me go crazy enough that I am. If I stay here any longer, I don't know what will happen more. I should head back. 

"Ai," I shook her arm, "Ai, come on. Wake up~" I tried to wake her up gently. Her eyes fluttered opened and found mine. 

"Hmmmmmm... Yi Fan," she smiled, "you're going back? I'm so sorry I fell asleep. 

"It's alright. I'm going back. You should go into your room to sleep, you might get a stiff neck if you keep sleeping here," she nodded and rubbed her eyes sleepily, her eyes half-closed. "I'll send you to the car park." 

"No, it's fine. I'll go by myself." 

"Then, let me at least send you off to the door," she peeled off her Kuma shawl and stood up. Her lounge wear was all crinkled and messy from sleep. She pulled her sweater down to straighten it a little and rubbed her eyes again. She really must be tired, I could see her dark circles. 

"Bye, Yi Fan. I'll see you soon.." she leaned on the edge of the front door and waved her hands to send me off in her half-asleep mode. I was waiting for the elevator to arrive at the floor I'm at. The elevator arrived, time to say goodbye and go. Ai is now closing her door. It's now or never. With huge strides, I walked back to her door and stopped her from closing it. I pulled it open and there was Ai, standing in a daze. 

Without hesitation, I quickly pulled her into a hug. Her head fits into my chest nicely. She is so small, petite, and felt so fragile that I was scared of breaking her as I hugged her. But yet, she fit snugly into my hug. "I love you, Ai. I love you," were the words, that kept ringing in my head, wanting her to hear, and yet I cannot bring myself to say it out loud to her. I could only hope that she could sense it through the hug. 

Ai did not hug me back nor push me away. Her hands were still by her side. 

"Yi Fan," she whispered and patted on my back gently, "What's up with you today? All clingy and sentimental, it's so not yout.  It's getting late. You should go back," she continued patting my back. I knew she's half asleep. Self-conscious and old-fashioned Ai would never let a man lay a finger on her intimately, let alone hug her like this. After a while, she pushed me away gently and closed her front door when I stepped into the elevator. 

I kept sitting in my car in the carpark for quite a while. I don't know whether I have done the right thing or not. She's my safety hideaway, emotionally and physically. The one of the many people, who gives me strength and hope to live on as the days passes by in the life as an singer. Should I have confessed to her right then and there by not letting her go? Or should I not have done it? I don't know. I don't want to send her away by doing so and yet I want to be closer to her. I want to keep her safe and yet I want to reveal to the world about how much I like her. I want to put her in my embrace so much to tell her that I am that one guy, who will always love her forever and ever, until she gives in, and yet I'm scared that she'll shut herself away from me.

That is when my heart starts to hurt, with hope and uncertainty. 

~~~