If you want to have a relationship, I will tell you to not having a relationship based on texts or chats. Because a relationship based on texts or chats will only hurt you eventually. No matter how hard you try to stabilize your relationship, it will always get shaken. It happened to me once and I don’t even want to remember it anymore. That was one of the worst relationships I ever had. There were a lot of uncertainties and hesitations happened in my relationship. It ended just right before I went crazy because what happened between us.

Here’s my story…..

 

It supposed to be a lovely day. It was Sunday and I was dreaming for a picnic or a date or any outdoor activities. It would be a wonderful day to wonder around with your boyfriend. And the idea of having a date with Junhyung outside on the daylight excited me.

I was in a café near my dorm, gazing silently outside the window. The image of me and Junhyung walking side by side and holding hands on the sidewalk was just too beautiful for me. So I grabbed my handbag in a fast move and within a second I already held my cell phone.

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Hey, are you free? (09.45 am)

 

Yong Junhyung:

I don’t know yet. Why? (09.47 am)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Can we have a date? It’s sunny outside. (09.47 am)

 

Yong Junhyung:

I’ll just see later whether we can go or not. (09.50 am)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

You don’t want to go? (09.55 am)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Forget it. We’re not going anywhere. (09.55 am)

 

I sighed. It had been like this lately. He would always take a long time to reply my texts before and I could accept it but what frustrated me lately was how he short his texts were. Sometimes I even wondered if he was always tired or that he just wanted to get rid of me.

The chats made my mood to drop to the lowest level that morning. It bothered me how he easily told me that he would think of my invitation and not just accepted it right away.

“What’s wrong with us?” I mumbled, massaging my temple as I let out a desperate sigh.

 

Yong Junhyung:

I’m sorry, Hyosungie. We can always go next time okay? (10.01 am)

 

I didn’t even bother to read his chat and stormed out from the café. I somehow felt uneasy about out relationship. Was I wrong when I decided that we should date each other?

I cursed under breath as I hurriedly went back to my dorm. I couldn’t even think why we dated in the first place. Maybe it was wrong for me to like him; maybe I should just run away when I started having feelings toward him; maybe I needed to think about my feelings more before I took the decision.

I looked up to my dorm, my mind was blank. I just didn’t want to get inside. I wanted to spend the day outside, enjoying the sunlight all day. I tried to remember if I had any schedules and when I couldn’t think of any, I grinned widely and turned my heels to the other direction.

It was alright to enjoy to the day alone, right? Maybe I should just do this since the beginning.

 

***

 

I knew I was being selfish by wandering around without telling anyone where I was going. But the idea of telling people that I was wandering around in a place that I barely knew where exactly just bothered me. So instead of turning on my phone, I kept it off and enjoyed as the warm sunlight poured on me and focused on the warm breeze. It was going to be spring soon and the change of weather was relaxing.

I told myself to focus to where I was heading but it seemed like my legs knew it better than me. Before I even realized it, my legs brought me to near the river. I was alone there, watching the bridge from a far and listening to the small waves of water. Before, I didn’t really have time to visit the river because of the schedule. I had always had interests on the river. I usually imagined how it would be if I came here alone, watching as the city wakes up. It was kind of a surprise that I was standing on the edge of the river, being so proud of myself because I finally able to make one of my dreams came true.

It wasn’t exactly like my dream but I was cool enough to watch the morning changing to the afternoon. The sun was warm on my skin as it was getting higher on the sky. 

I wanted to scream out so loud because I just wanted to let go of the stress I had. Especially about how Junhyung and I had been these days. I wanted to scream it out, to actually pour it down and free myself from his image. But I just didn’t know why it would be so hard for me. It was like something being stuck in my throat. So instead of copying those movies where they scream out loud on the edge of the rivers, I just watched silently as cars crawled on the road.

I let out a sigh as I forced myself to look away from the river. It felt hard as I turned away and with a slight hope I my cell phone. I got disappointed as I scrolled down every notification. Everyone was asking where I was but Junhyung just became his usual cold self. I scrolled up and down the chat room but nothing was coming. It hurt me although I had whispered to myself to stop and forget it.

As I walked back to my dorm, I couldn’t tear my eyes from the cell phone’s screen. It was just too attractive for me than anything else. But instead of giving me what I wanted, the screen gave no new notifications beside the chats and texts from my nervous manager.

For the first time of the day and for the nth times since us dating, I scoffed as I suddenly pictured how Junhyung would look a like now.

 

***

 

“Hyosung!” My manager was quick to greet me when I stepped inside the dorm. The frown had vanished into fine lines of eyebrows after he watched me entered into the room.

“Hi, Junseo Oppa. Am I late for any schedules?” I asked. I tried to sound worry but just by the blurry words I heard when I opened my mouth, I knew very well that I just said the line flatly.

Since Junseo was a new manager our company got for us- and not to mention that we were his first group he had to handle- he was still awkward with me. Which made me a little bit confused. It wasn’t like I didn’t try to be friendly but the problem was him, not me.

Junseo followed me as I went to get some water. I waited for him to talk but he only looked at me intensely that I started feeling that he was going to tell me something that I wouldn’t like to hear.

“Hyosung-ah, is it okay for you to get put into the same show with Junhyung?”

I startled but I tried so hard to control my face so that I wouldn’t show any expressions.

“So?” I said.

Junseo looked at me for a few seconds before smiled a little and hushed me to get ready for my schedule. I just stared blankly on him for a second before running to the bathroom. Instead of getting ready as fast as I could, I blankly stared on the white wall of our bathroom. Soon enough I was going to sit in the same room with Junhyung, laughing and acting like we didn’t know each other.

Of course, it was possible but my heart knew it better. I told myself to start washing and getting ready. When I was done, I rushed to Junseo and smiled to him, letting him know that I was fine.

“Hey oppa, how did you know about me and Junhyung?” I almost whispered the question as we two were heading to the basement, standing side by side inside the elevator.

“I read your chats with him.” He said back almost quietly too.

I said nothing to reply him and just faced the elevator door. Something uneasy was going inside of me. There was this tickling sensation and also uneasy one as I suddenly felt awaken. I was going to be in the same room as Junhyung. And we had to act like we didn’t know each other. The sudden realization of what was happening made me nervous.

I was holding tightly on my phone as we drove to the broadcast building. I bit my lower lips, questioning of how I should act later. Half an hour later I already sent a chat to Junhyung and to make it not so obvious, I looked outside. My fingers were playing on the screen, silently hoping that I would swipe the screen to read his chat.

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Are you heading to KBS now? (03.52 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

I’m already in KBS. Why? (03.59 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Nothing. I’m heading there too. (04.10 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

We’re in the same show? (04.14 pm)

 

It was only because it had been my habit; I scoffed as I read his chat. He was such a turn off for me. I repeatedly swore that I would never say anything to him. I would be a girl of a few words in front of him today.

Maybe it would be hard to do but I had to. The way he acted was becoming too much for me. I just wanted him to disappear from my life now. The idea of breaking up with him suddenly sounded great. But then, it would cause a lot of regrets from me in the future.

When we arrived in front of the KBS’ building, I stared on the building for a few seconds as I tried to think, how to act normal when he was there? We wouldn’t say anything of course, but I would go crazy if I had to seal my mouth for all day long.

My manager nudged me slightly, telling me to move. I obediently did what he wanted me to do and walked straight to the building. I was wishing that my face showed no expressions because my heart was being noisy inside. I could hear the sound of my heart thumping against my chest.

“Relax.” I whispered to myself.

I didn’t really surprise when I didn’t bump into anyone I knew in our track to the waiting room. I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone anyway.  What I was afraid of would welcome me in the broadcasting room. I was going to meet him there and it didn’t make me happy.

When I finally got into my dressing room and met one or two idols I knew on my way, I tried very hard to push his image from my head. It wasn’t too hard as what I expected it to be. I got rid of him as soon as my staffs worked their magic on me.

I sat there silently as my reflection stared back on me. I said nothing too much. And right then, someone barged into the room. I silently hoped that was him but I wasn’t lucky enough. A man with tanned skin and sharp face was staring to my reflection. 

“DooJoon oppa.” His name rolled out from my tongue softly and somehow I felt like someone had charged my energy again.

He grinned, showing his white teeth to me. “Hey, Hyosungie~” The way he called my name and how he spelled the last words of my name in high pitch voice was something that I missed from him.

“It’s been a while!” I exclaimed excitedly. My make up artist snickered on me when I moved too much so instead of giving my full attention to DooJoon, I had to sit tight and talked to his reflection in the mirror.

He laughed a lot when I told him about what happened lately to my live. Sometimes he would just nod and listen carefully to my story. It felt great. When I was done with my make up, I wasted no time to hurriedly turn the chair to face DooJoon. I didn’t expect my heart to suddenly thumping noisily now. But which girl wouldn’t when they look at DooJoon? The way he dressed was enough to make me bit my lips and groaned inside. He was handsome.

When we were called to get outside and be ready because the show was going to start, I didn’t bother to tell DooJoon to follow me. We naturally went side by side as we kept exchanging stories. I laughed on his stories and he did the same. When we were going to sit, I caught Junhyung’s figure by the corner of my eyes. His eyes followed us. If he was jealous, he hid it perfectly because he just looked at us for a second and turned his head away. I was mad.

“Hey, DooJoon oppa. Do you think that Junhyung’s having girlfriend now?” I whispered.

I was planning to flirt, or what seemed like flirting, with DooJoon. It was to make Junhyung knew that he shouldn’t underestimate what I could do.

DooJoon glanced to Junhyung for one second before he leaned in and whispered to my ear, “You think he is? He has acted different for some times now.”

I glanced to Junhyung and for my surprise, our eyes met. It was like in drama when our eyes locked to each other. For me, it felt like it lasted for a long time. The way he looked at me wasn’t friendly either. Somehow, I felt happy. I was assuming that he was jealous. I leaned into DooJoon a little bit more; making a scene like DooJoon was kissing my cheek.

“You should check him.” I said lowly.

“But I thought he hadn’t moved on from Hara?” DooJoon said. There was a hint of confusion in his voice.

I froze for a moment. I reminded myself that it wouldn’t look good if I pulled myself from our position and pleased Junhyung. So, I giggled a little to DooJoon’s statement and once again sweetly whispered to him.

“Why would you think so?”

“He wrote songs about her. Remember Flower? It was for her.” He said. His eyes were looking at me as if he was saying a big secret and I should be thankful that I got told.

I nodded my head, acting as if I was thinking hard when all I did was cursing Junhyung inside my head. Before DooJoon could talk anymore, a staff clapped her hands.

“We’re going to start in a minute, please sit on your order!”

I followed some clueless colleague of mine to check my seat position and I wasn’t lucky enough that day when I got to sit next to Junhyung. I held my breath, waiting for him to snicker or at least did something towards my presence. But nothing came.

The show went smoothly. I had prevented myself from checking him out. As I did my job, all I could think and do was telling myself that I was being crazy. I sighed in relief when the break time came. I was so happy that I could get away from Junhyung for a while.

In the dressing room, I tried to reach my cell phone. I checked the notification. A notification from Junhyung, that was something unexpected.  

 

Yong Junhyung:

What do you think you were doing? (08.01 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

What did I do? (08.10 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Flirting with DooJoon. What were you thinking? (08.12 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Was it called flirting? (08.14 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Don’t act stupid! (08.18 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

I was asking nicely, if you don’t mind. (08.19 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Don’t do that anymore. (08.25 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

What? I was just talking to a friend, mind you. (08.26 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Ya, Jeon Hyosung! I warn you. (08.27 pm)

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Go ahead. It’s not like you’re going to do something to me in real anyway. (08. 30 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

We have to talk later. (08.31 pm)

 

I said nothing as I turned off my phone. I was upset for some unknown reasons. It felt like I should have something in my hands to throw to him. He was being too annoying for my liking.

I went out from my dressing room, totally ignoring how my manager had tried to talk to me. Some of my colleagues called for me on my way. I had no choice besides bowing my head to them and said hi. It was short, I could swear. I had to check the dressing room’s door for a few times before I was assured enough it was what I was looking for.

“BEAST” That was what the white paper had on it. My fingers hesitantly played with the door. I wanted to just open the door, flashing my smile and asked for DooJoon. But how wrong would it sound like? He wasn’t alone. I was quite sure Junhyung was inside.

I was burnt by the curiosity. I gathered my courage and pushed open the door. Three heads turned to look at me. I smiled shyly to them. I didn’t even know why I chose to smile. There were DooJoon with his manager and someone I didn’t even know who. I looked at the last man, tried to remember who he was. DooJoon helped me to get through the situation by smiled friendly to me.

“Hey Hyosungie! It’s Min Jung from The Star. I hope you recognize him?”

“Ah! It’s you! I’m sorry for not recognizing you instantly.” I bowed to him. He nodded, almost coldly to me. I frowned.  “I’m sorry to disturb you. I thought you were alone.” I said, directing my words to DooJoon who kept his smile to me.

“Urm… Then I think I should go now. See you later oppa!” I was stuttering and in a flash I had closed the door. I was too afraid to lean on the door so I leaned on the wall.

As if what happened inside wasn’t enough, Junhyung suddenly appeared from nowhere. He still looked perfect for some reasons. His half closed eyes, his thick lips, and his chubby cheeks stole my attention in no time. I sighed. He could be so perfect sometimes in my eyes but of course, even if he knew it, he said nothing to me.

I had totally forgotten how strange I must look when he sharply turned his eyes to me. I gasped for air when he did that. He did something I didn’t expect he would do. I didn’t need him to open his mouth to know what he was going to ask.

I giggled unsurely. “Hey, Junhyung-ah.” My voice made me cringed.

He said nothing to me but his eyes were still on me. As if waiting for me to say something. It felt weird when I opened my mouth again, letting the words to burst out.

“I was looking for DooJoon oppa. But he’s being interviewed so I have to leave.” For a nanosecond, his expression changed. “I am going to leave though! Byeeeeee.” I stuttered. I flashed him a nervous smile before I rushed away from him.

I was too naïve to think that I could get away from him so easily.

“Where are you going?” Was what he said. His voice was cold. It was like wanted to say that to make me freezing.

I turned, still giggling and grinning in a stupid way. “I… I was going to go back to my room.”

”Didn’t I tell you to behave yourself?”

I said nothing to reply him. I only grinned as my fingers made their way to my hair, playing with it. My nervousness had reached its peak.

“You rarely talk to me so I thought you’d do nothing.” I knew I was being too honest.

He moved closer to me. I was panic for a moment. But when he reached for my shoulders and held me still, I only needed some air. I could look at his face from a short distant!

“If I told you no, you shouldn’t do it. Behave yourself.”

Suddenly I got this angry feeling as he kept holding me tight. His eyes were staring into me as if he wanted to look at my deepest soul and took out my lies.

“Listen, you don’t have to do this okay? I know what I should and shouldn’t do!” I whispered. I was angry and wanted to make him hurt. I had no idea why I was only able to whisper.

He smirked. I had dared myself to lift my face and looked back at him. Those brown eyes I had adored lately melted me in a way I didn’t know when he started speaking. “Don’t you ever underestimate me.”

 

***

 

I flipped through every page and every time I opened a new page, I would sigh. I was in the practice room, filliping through every page of a book that didn’t even interest me. Everyone else had gone to do their business. I was left there alone because I kept rejecting their offer to join with them.

I had this strong urge to sit alone. To be alone. It had been five days since what happened with me and Junhyung. For five days, we didn’t contact each other.  He left me there after rubbing my hands with his fingers. I had no idea what he was doing. Heck, I didn’t even want to know why he did that.

But the feeling when he rubbed the back of my hands? It stayed in my mind. It became like something I wanted to remember. I wished we could do things like that more. I really wished so.

My phone buzzed. I sighed as the image of our hands being so close scattered into pieces. I only remembered how it felt. That was it. I even had forgotten how he looked at me when he did that. My phone buzzed again for the second time. I had to reach for it now that the buzz became more urgent.

“Hello?” I hoped my voice was still able to be heard. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. It felt sad when I realized how lonely my reflection was.

“Hey, are you busy?” It took me a moment to fully recognize the voice.

“No.” I replied. I didn’t know why but the moment I knew it was him, I didn’t think I could be the cheerful girl like I usually did.

“Where are you now?” I thought he was having the same thought with me.

“The practice room.” My voice came out low. I didn’t even care anymore what he was thinking of me and vice versa.

Silence came between us as none of us tried to break the sudden awkward situation. He faked a cough on the other line while I was still staring to my reflection in the mirror. Still feeling and looking lonely. I did nothing to break the silence; I didn’t even want to do it.  I had never liked silence but for this once, I was thankful that silence came to save me from answering his obvious questions.

“Can we go outside then?” The question awakened me from my day dreaming.

“Huh?”

“I was asking if we should go outside and enjoy some time together.” He sounded unsure and hesitant. I didn’t blame him. I knew he didn’t really like to go public with our relationship.

“Don’t push yourself too hard.” I said. I only could wish my voice wouldn’t sound like I was being harsh. Well, there was sarcasm in the words I said to him. But it was better for both of us to hide what we knew.

“Don’t worry. I will pick you up in twenty minutes. Be ready.”

I said nothing as I put my phone away. I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t even want to leave the room. I was too lazy to do something that involved me doing fake things like laughing and things that showed how happy I was. I was tired and to show people, let alone Junhyung, my happy expressions, I didn’t have any energy left. I wasted.

Suddenly, the wooden floor felt so comfortable. I couldn’t resist it so I lay on my back and sighed in relief when the cold surface of the floor touched my back. It felt awesome. I didn’t know for how long I was there when the door was opened. I knew because at the time, I was having my eyes glued on the mirror.

Junhyung peeked in and when he noticed me lying on the floor, he walked in. He closed the door behind him. Maybe it was just my imagination but I could smell the faint smell of his perfume. It was his favorite perfume and I knew it because once or twice he had successfully made me gave it to him.

“You’re here.” Stating the obvious thing. Maybe it was just me but he did sound tired.

I moved my body so I could look at him from my position. He was standing beside my head. ‘He is tall’ was what came to my mind when I looked at him. He had to bend down his head to look at me. He gave me a smile before he sat.

“Didn’t I tell you to get ready?” He didn’t sound like Junhyung I met a few days ago. This time around, he sounded normal, not so emotional.

“I’m too lazy to even get up from here.” I said as I giggled. Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid that I couldn’t fake my happiness when I was with him. I was simply happy when we were together.

He chuckled and silence fell between us. I didn’t know why but it always felt awkward whenever we met. I always wondered if it was because we didn’t know each other well or either it was because we were too tired to do anything. I didn’t know and I had no intentions to know. I actually had the answer for my question but I was too afraid to admit it. I wanted to avoid the reality.

“Where are we going to go?” I asked. My question seemed to surprise him. Without I realized it, he already played with his cell phone and leaving me day dreaming alone. It tickled something in me.

He observed my face for a moment, making me to have weird expressions, before he answered me. “Do you want to go to an amusement park?”  There was something that I couldn’t really tell about what happened between us tonight. I silently prayed it wouldn’t be a fight.

“I’m hungry actually. But if you really want to go to the amusement park…”

 I didn’t get the chance to say the rest when Junhyung butted in, leaving me dumbfounded inside.

 “We can just find something to eat then!” Maybe it was just me or did I hear he sighed in relief when I said that I wanted to eat? I ditched the thought.

He stood up in a second and when I was going to stand up, I saw his hand reached out for me to grab. I smiled as I grabbed his hand. It felt great when I held his hand like this. Somehow, the feeling of having his hand holding mine was just too perfect. If I had to describe it, I would say that was how he successfully made me erasing all of my hesitations on him. Just by helping me to stand up and letting me to reach for his hand.

He said nothing as he led us to his car. I couldn’t hide my smile as I followed him from behind. I wished I could see how stupid I was for letting one moment to blind me from what happened. People always told me that when you were in a relationship, your guy would let you to walk in front of him or even better walking side by side. They said it was to show you that he wanted to protect you. I had no idea. Or maybe I was just too blind.

We didn’t hold hands but I was okay with that at the time. As I trailed behind him, I started imagining a lot of stuffs that would happen between us. I couldn’t stop myself from imagining how we would end our date. When he the engine, we were still in silent.

I let out a giggle to break the silence. He only glanced on me. “What?”

“Nothing.” I said with a smile on my face. I just couldn’t resist it. He frowned but I kept shaking my head, telling him that nothing was important enough for him to know.

“You know, I’m feeling like having junk foods for our dinner. Is that okay?” I asked as I looked at him with my begging eyes.

“Huh?” He mumbled, obviously not sure about what I was trying to say.

“I want to disobey my diet program!” I said it excitedly. It was just a joke. But if it made us to start talking, I wouldn’t mind.

He scoffed. I didn’t see it coming but his hand slapped the back of my head softly. “You can’t do that. You’ve already done the diet for a while now; don’t waste your effort by eating something you’d regret later.”

“Yah! That hurts!” I whined. “It’s just for this time! I promise!” I tried to convince him. He laughed and shook his head, signaling that he didn’t agree with me.

 “No. We’re going to eat something that fits with your diet.”

“Are you always like this?” I huffed.

“What do you mean?”

“When you’re with your girls, are you always like this? Ignoring their pleas to get the real food? Or did they tell you to not giving them food that will make them fat? Because if you care enough about me, you will know that I’m not like any of them.” I wanted to make it as a joke but as the words rolled out from my mouth, I realized I had it made worse. It wasn’t a joke anymore and instead was a rant that cornered him.

The remaining smile I saw on his face had already gone. He didn’t show any expressions again and it scared me.

“I’m telling this for your sake. It’s okay if you don’t want to obey me.” There was no emotion in his voice but I knew he must be feeling upset to me.

I said nothing afterwards, feeling disappointed on myself for destroying the mood I tried to build. Well, I didn’t do it right since the beginning though so I shouldn’t be disappointed. As I thought of that, I quickly realized the tension between the two of us and somehow, it just hit me hard that I just hurt someone I loved.

 

***

 

We sat facing each other in the restaurant. Nothing came up from our mouths after we ordered our food. Junhyung had taken me to eat grilled meats. I didn’t know if it was because what I said in the car or if he was just in mood or even better, planned it since the beginning.

But the silence killed me. I couldn’t lie and tell you that it was okay for me to sit there in silence for what seemed like years. I wanted him to start talking, to start telling me what happened in his life lately, to tell me about his job or whatever he wanted to talk about. Not this uncomfortable silence that choked me slightly. I wanted him to speak, to rant about things.

“Junhyung-ah.” I whispered. I didn’t know why I did that but it was the only solution I could think of.

He glanced on me but then he busied himself with his cell phone and ignored me who was desperate to call him- again. I spent the next minutes to call him and got nothing in response. It hurt my pride and I stopped calling for his name.

I wanted to just run away, to hide from him. I hated it when he acted like a spoiled boy like now. I always wondered whether he only did this to me or he acted this way to people around him too. I had a strong belief that he only did this to me and the thought irritated me. I pushed the thought and focused on my food. We said nothing to each other for the rest of the night. I didn’t mind. My anger was building inside, like a bomb. It only needed something to make it exploded.

When we went to his car, he didn’t open the door for me and letting me to get inside by myself. Not that I dreamt he would do that to me, but  was it wrong if I had this slight hope that he would do that for me? It was our first date after in a while. We rarely had a date outside out agency building or outside his apartment just in case we got caught or something and tonight, it was tough for me to be sane inside the same room with him. I didn’t even want to know where we did it wrong.

On our way back, he the radio. I was forced to listen to some radio broadcasts when all I expected to hear was his voice. I didn’t know how clueless or how un-romantic this guy could be. I was on my way to speak when I closed tight my mouth when the broadcaster started talking. It stabbed me right on the heart.

“If you love someone, you will do anything for them. It’s not wrong of course. But don’t forget about yourself. Because relationship is not only for one person, a relationship needs two persons to participate. And meanwhile, let’s listen to ‘Flower’! A song which is written by our Yong Junhyung!”

 The tension rose up inside the car. None of us tried to turn off or change the channel. We stoned and acted as if we both were deaf. It was the best way, I supposed. As Flower started playing, I chuckled. It was a sarcastic chuckle but Junhyung faked a cough along with me. I frowned; confused with the way he acted.

 He dropped me in front of my dorm. I hurriedly got off from the car. I didn’t want to expect anything as I rushed toward the doors. As I walked directly to the elevator, I tilted my head a little, to see if Junhyung came after me. Of course I knew it was impossible. I sighed as I saw no one was behind me.

 

***

 

Wouldn’t you feel weird if you were only able to watch your boyfriend from a far? I mean, when you didn’t contact him or knew what was happening to your relationship but you kept watching him because you felt guilty and responsible for your relationship? Was I wrong to want him to make the first move after what happened that night?

Was I the guilty one?

I had told myself for thousand of times, counting bad things he had done to me but it didn’t work out. I missed him. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted him to talk in front of me and we would joke around. Only the two of us. But I bet it would never happen. I started thinking that he regretted what he had with me. Maybe he had left me a long time ago but I was just too blind to see it coming. Maybe because his swinging moods that made me sure that he wouldn’t leave me alone. Maybe I was just too overconfident by myself.

I was still on my bed, staring on the ceiling. It was a silent day inside my dorm as each member was having individual schedule. Even Hana got a call to model in a magazine. It was my day off again. A lot of thoughts running inside my head. They weren’t good thoughts and I knew I had to get rid of them. After all, if my relationship with Junhyung meant nothing to him, I was ready to face what would happen next. I let my body to take action by searching for my phone. When I found it, I went right to our chat room.

My fingers hesitated. But something inside me made me to tap the screen twice. I knew it would take some time for him to reply so I went to wash up. I wanted to wash the bad thoughts inside my head, I wanted them to gone. I want to be brave enough to text him and tell him that I was over him. It sounded dramatic right? Well, life is a drama after all.

When I finished and checked on my phone, I found no reply. I knew it would happen. I tossed my cell phone aside. I knew what I was going to do and no one should stop me. I packed my bag quickly and changed to casual wardrobe. It was nine in the morning and for some reasons, I had this feeling that I would meet him alone in his practice room. I didn’t waste time to wear heavy make up and tried to get ride to his place. His place was near my agency building so if something bad happened, I could always save myself to my agency.

On my way to Cube, I tried hard to arrange what I was going to do and say to him. It suddenly felt complicated. I started to think that I was selfish. Maybe I didn’t know him well enough and it made us to become like this. Maybe I was hoping too much from the beginning and I became hurt by my expectations.

Or maybe it was just the situation. I had no idea who I could blame on about the mistakes in my relationship. But one thing was sure, our relationship was falling apart and I only had to watch it scattered into pieces in no time. I was afraid of course. I didn’t want this relationship to end. It was hard to find someone like Junhyung. Someone who would listen to my story and let me to finish my story naturally and then changed to other topics. The serious topics would just fade away and we forgot that we had talked about it. It was what I needed the most and he was the only one who could give me that.

As I walked inside the CUBE building, I could tell there was something dying inside me. My heart was beating crazily but I ignored it as I kept walking to one of the practice rooms for dancing. It was still too early for people to come but inside the practice room were three members of BEAST. They didn’t practice though. From what I saw, I could tell that they just arrived, like me.

They were talking and joking around. They slowly peeled off their thick outfits and now dressed in more comfortable outfits for dancing. They didn’t even once realize my presence, not that I wanted to though.

I was hesitant. It felt weird when I put my hand on the knob. I wanted to run away, to vanish. But unfortunately I already came this far. I turned the knob and pushed it open. I didn’t breathe for a moment.  

Three pairs of eyes looked at me. They looked at me as if I was weird or something like that, probably just my thought. I couldn’t breathe properly because the way Junhyung looked at me was giving me anxiousness. I wanted to run away, please God. He was looking at me flatly but I knew he was mad and curious on me for standing there and ruining his morning practice.

DooJoon was the one who recovered from the shock. “Hyosung-ah! What a pleasure!” He approached with his wide smile. I smiled back with my eyes glanced on Junhyung. He said nothing as he made himself busy.

Kikwang was there too as he waved to me. I smiled and waved back to him. Junhyung as usual, ignored me to the point I wanted to throw a bottle to him and made him to look at me. I wanted his attention to me. It was impossible for the moment and I knew I couldn’t do anything but became straightforward.

“Hey, DooJoon oppa. Can I bring Junhyung for a while? It won’t take long, I promise.” I gave my assuring smile to DooJoon as he narrowed her eyes as I spoke. “What’s going on?” He asked, almost in a whisper.

I shook my head and flashed him a smile. “Nothing, really. I just need to talk about something to Junhyung.”

Junhyung had his attention on me now. He watched us from the corner of my eyes; I could see that he was approaching us. DooJoon still stood up in front of me, frowning. “Come on, DooJoon oppa. I only need him for less than one hour. Please?”

“What is it?” Before DooJoon could give me his permission, Junhyung had already stood there, looking at us. His eyes were asking to DooJoon but DooJoon shook his head.

 DooJoon ruffled his hair as he nodded to me. “Don’t take too long, okay?” I grinned to him, nodding.

I didn’t know how I could stand there without fainting. I had already lost a lot of energy just by talking to DooJoon. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if Junhyung and I talked.

“Thanks, DooJoon oppa!”

 I instantly grabbed Junhyung’s hand and dragged him away. It didn’t take too long for Junhyung to break free from my grip. He stopped in the midway and turned me around. I knew very well he wouldn’t just obey me and followed me without arguing.

“What is it? What are you doing?!” Even when his voice was low, I could tell he was furious. I had to say that he hid it well.

“I need to talk to you.” I was trying really hard to make my voice sounded strong but instead it came in whisper. I hated my weak side. I really did.

He stared on me, I could see the anger in his eyes. “Please?” That magical word came last from my mouth. He sighed as he nodded. He took the lead and led me to Cube’s cafeteria. There were one or two trainees having breakfast there. They looked at us as we entered the cafeteria. Junhyung seemed uncomfortable by the stares but I said nothing as we picked our seats.

“So?” He started. I leaned closer to him as I was sitting in front of him. I could see how his face was a little bit oily and how he smelled from this distance. It would be the last time for me to be able to see him from this close distance.

 “I want to break up.” It shocked me how natural and how the words easily rolled out from my mouth. I was too scared to look up at his eyes so I looked to everywhere but him. There was no tension between us. It was just the suddenly dropping mood that could be noticed.

When he didn’t say anything, I looked up and found him looking at me with his smirk on his face. “Answer me!” I said in frustration. The smirk hurt me. He shook his head and I didn’t see it coming when he suddenly said, “I know it will come like this.”

I wanted to ruffle my hair, screaming to him how he made me crazy with the way he acted like a spoiled child. So instead of firing back to him, I was able to control my voice although I wasn’t sure if I did it well. “I think that’s a yes?” I threw a smile to him which he replied by a flat expression.

“I never said so. I just said I know this time will come and it’s now.” There was no hesitancy in his voice. I wondered as he talked, did he ever think of our relationship like I did?

“Look, Hyosung. I know how you act like you’re the victim here. I know you want to say that you’re hurt and more and more. But, have you ever thought about me? Have you thought what I would possibly feel over you?” The sudden questions made me dizzy. I didn’t know he would have those questions inside his head.

“Don’t corner me.” I mumbled.

He chuckled upon hearing me. “You don’t want me to corner you but you’re just too afraid to say that you’re losing right? I know our relationship will never work.” He chuckled as he took out his cigarette pack out from his pocket. I snapped it from him. It made him to look at me with a frown.

 “Don’t act like you own me.” His voice was dangerous but I didn’t care.

“Listen Junhyung, I know there’s a possibility that I’m the wrong one here. But you can’t say you have no role in it! You know very well a relationship needs two people to make it work!” I was almost shouting. My hands were squeezing the pack hard.

“And that’s why you wanted us to talk right? But what’s the use of talking when we two have already known what is wrong?” He gave me a mocking smile as he gestured me to give him his cigarette back.

I didn’t give it to him and instead save it inside my bag that I had brought along. He looked at me in disagreement. “Tell me, Junhyung.” I started and for the first time looked at him straight into his eyes. He raised an eyebrow. “Have you ever loved me when we were together? I don’t need any other excuses. I just want to know.” He seemed like freezing when I asked it. I waited and waited, a second felt so long for me. And he had wasted too much time of mine.

I smirked and silently wished inside that he wouldn’t see my trembling lips. I rose up from my seat. Before I left him I reached into my bag and threw the pack to him. “Thank you.” I said before I stormed out from the room, leaving him and my relationship behind.

It suddenly felt hurt. I didn’t sense it before but my tears were already falling. I thought I had done something that I should never do because I couldn’t even handle it. I bumped into DooJoon who looked at me confusedly. He opened his mouth but I shook my head and he understood me very well by led me to a room I had never visited.

I was already sobbing by the time DooJoon let me to sit. DooJoon sat beside me in silent as he rubbed my back. It took sometime for me to realize that I was inside the studio room where the CUBE members usually practiced. A room I didn’t usually visit because it wasn’t my theoretic.

“Were you dating?” He asked it directly when I had calmed down and letting my head to rest on his shoulder. “Yes.” I mumbled. A stream of tears had appeared again.

He sighed. “I didn’t expect this to happen.”

I chuckled upon his statement, “Nor did me, you know.”

“What happened between you two?” I didn’t know why he asked. Whether it was because he wanted to know what had happened between me and Junhyung or it was just a concern expression, I couldn’t figure it out.

I gripped on his shirt when the wave of sadness came on me again. It was stronger than before and it made me unable to breathe for a second. I lost it as I started crying again. DooJoon patted my head as he whispered things to me, asking me to calm down.

Nothing could be worse than this. I didn’t know if I could be more broken than this.

 

***

 

My eyes were already swollen by the end of the day. I hadn’t gone back to the dorm or visited the practice room. Everything that happened was lingering in my head. I couldn’t erase them. It was as if I had a tape recorder inside my head. It made me angry.

I was wandering to nowhere in mind. I felt stupid as I stumbled upon my feet when I rushed to follow a group of High School students crossing the road. I felt stupid not because of my silly act but instead, it was because I looked like a fool who had swollen eyes and streams of tears on her face.

I only walked for a few minutes when I decided to turn back to the direction I was coming from. I soon knew where I was when I had crossed the road looked around me. I was just a few miles away from my dorm. I asked myself as I took hesitant steps to my dorm direction. I asked whether I really wanted to go back or I should just stay and go somewhere to calm myself.

Although I didn’t really decide it nor I wanted it, my legs had walked to the opposite direction of my dorm. I once again had avoided the place I should go to. I bit my lips as I knew I was wrong but I didn’t want to meet anyone. Not yet.

I looked around before stopping a cab and got into it. I quickly told the driver to go to a place in the centre of the city. I was heading to my friend’s place. He was a friend of Junhyung’s and mine. He lived alone and he was rarely in his flat so I decided to just visit him. He was the best choice I got for now.

 

 

Hyosung~Jeon :

Are you at home? I’m on my way to your place. (10.30 am)

 

Kim Sunggyu:

Glad you decided to tell me first you’re going to visit. I will be back soon; you know how to unlock the door. (10.33 am)

 

I relieved. I knew Sunggyu would never refuse my plea. Well, I didn’t plea to him but he seemed to understand the tone I used in my text. Maybe I just imagined things.

I watched as we strolled past the busy places and heading to a quitter place. The cab was driving down to a lower region of the city. It was my cue to stop the cab because we were already so close. It was like my habit to stop a few feet away from Sunggyu’s place and continued by walking to reach his place. I looked around but found almost no one. I only saw one or two boys going into a store across the street. There were only few cars but no one seemed to take interest to show up in front of me.

I looked at Sunggyu’s building. It was nothing special. It was small and located between two other buildings. The one on the right was a barber shop and the one on the left was another flat building. I scolded myself for standing too long in front of the building. I took baby steps to the building. When I was already inside the building, I prepared myself to climb until the third floor. I silently relieved Sunggyu didn’t pick a higher floor or I would break my bones again.

I climbed the floor as I thought of how Junhyung and I usually came here when we wanted to have a quiet place to go. Of course, sometimes we went with friends and Sunggyu had never complained. “As long you keep the place clean.” He told us.

I took out the key to the room as I was getting closer to the third floor. Sweats had already run on the sides of my face. I wiped it, somehow feeling good. I wasted no time when I had been in front of the door. I was hit my blinding light when I walked to the living room. Sunggyu had left the curtain open and outside, the sun was shining brightly. I didn’t realize it earlier but it seemed so hot outside. Amazed by how I didn’t feel the heat outside, I reached for my handphone and called for Sunggyu.

“Hey Gyu-ah!” I cheerfully said once he picked up.

“Hey Sung-ah. You’re in the room already?” He replied from the other line, giving me no space to say anything else besides the greeting.

“Yeah. I’m hungry. Is there any food here?” I asked as I walked to the kitchen. The kitchen looked terribly clean and I had a feeling that nothing was there, not even a pack of ramyun.

“I don’t think so.” Sunggyu said slowly as if he was thinking hard on the other line. “I will buy some then! I’m going back now.” Sunggyu later explained.

“Buy some ice cream too. It looks hot outside.” I said hurriedly before he got the chance to hang up.

“It looks? Weren’t you outside? You should say it’s hot. I can even feel the heat from here and you can’t?!” Sunggyu nagged from the other line. I cringed on Sunggyu’s nag.

“Just hurry. I’m starving.” I said hurriedly and hung up.

I thought of what Sunggyu said. Did I forget to take a notice of what was happening outside because I was too busy with my thoughts? Did I become that helpless about myself?

***

Sunggyu came almost half an hour later. He didn’t forget about me starving, I guess. I watched as he went to approach me before gave me a plastic full of foods and some packs of instant foods. He said nothing as he threw himself to the nearest couch. He sighed in happiness once his got in contact with the couch.

“Thanks.” I said heartedly and in a second, I already took out all of the foods. I put them on the floor as I took my time to decide which one I should eat first.

“I own some of them too.” Sunggyu spoke from behind me. I turned to him with a frown.

“Are you sure?” I .

He growled as he knew I was teasing him. He climbed off from the couch and took a sit in front of me. He didn’t even ask for my permission when he grabbed a plate of tteokboki and jjangmyun. He wasted no time to start  eating.

“Hey! You should ask me first!” I protested.

“You take too long. I’m hungry.” He said back before stuffed his mouth with a spoonful of tteokboki.

I murmured bad things about him as I took another plate. We took a few minutes to enjoy our food and when Sunggyu had got the energy; his questions came out without I was able to stop it.

“So, what actually happened in that brain of yours until you asked for a break up?” Sunggyu’s eyes were on me.

I took two bites of my foods and when Sunggyu was still looking at me, I couldn’t avoid it anymore. “He doesn’t like me. It’s useless to be with him.”

The confession tasted bitter on my tongue as the words rolled on it. I my lips but the tasted remain. I tried to give Sunggyu a grin but I couldn’t make sure if it came out nice. Sunggyu face confirmed it later when he shrugged his shoulders with my answer.

“Did you try to look strong?” Sunggyu’s unexpected question made me blushing.

I looked at him for a moment; this time was my turn to shrug my shoulders off. “I didn’t know, honestly.” I paused, unsure of what I should say next but the words came out easier than I thought. “I think I pretty messed his mood for today.”

Sunggyu chuckled. “You made him upset, huh? So you probably tried to be a to annoy him.”

I threw a weak smile to him. He just nodded in return. I continued to focus on my foods as I thought of what had been happening to me for the last twelve hours. Everything seemed to be in a blur. Everything seemed to be a lie except for the fact that lay in front of me. I had broken up with Junhyung and totally made him gone mad.

I would need to take a responsible act later, I guess. But for now, I wanted to enjoy the pain inside me. I didn’t tell this to Sunggyu but he seemed to understand me better when he told me that he still got some jobs to do. He left the flat an hour later after making sure I would contact Junhyung to apologize.

“You need to have a clean relationship with him; not a bad one like this.” He said to me with his fierceness.

I only nodded as I didn’t want him to keep nagging me. It was quite tempting for me. I meant, I didn’t want Junhyung to come any closer to me; but the idea of having a bad relationship when we had broken up didn’t sound pleasing to me.

I stayed for the night. I gathered my courage to scroll down every notification on my phone. I didn’t surprise by tons of worried texts and calls coming from my manager and even six calls from the president. I was amazed for a second. But what came next even better than I expected. No, correct that. It was weirder. I saw Junhyung’s name on my phone.

He tried to call me more than once and there were even some texts, containing his nags, coming. I read it over and over again but they were still there. I looked outside the window; the night sky had covered Seoul. It was time for me to rest and to prepare for what would happen tomorrow.

 

Yong Junhyung:

Where are you?  (04.33 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Where are you, Hyosung-ah?   (05.00 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Where are you? Do you need me to pick you up?  (05.33 pm)

 

Yong Junhyung:

Everyone is worried about you. Come on. Tell me where you are. (05.45 pm)

I stared the texts for a moment before I decided that I better left it.

 

***

 

It had been a week since the break up. Everything seemed to be a blur to me. Everything was in a rush. Whatever I did was like a dream, they all seemed unreal. Sometimes when I took a moment to stop and looked around me, I realized that everyone was moving on. I needed to pull myself to be on tier with everyone.

I was blinded by my feelings. They all whispered to me, telling me to move on and forget Junhyung by being busy. I tried. I tried really hard to be busy. I tried to focus on my work. I tried everything I could. But sometimes, when I got the time to stop and take a breath; I realized I only hurt myself.

I wanted to rip the feelings out of my chest, I seriously did. Sometimes, the feelings hurt me more than I expected it to be. I wondered if the pain would fade soon. Of course I knew that was impossible. The pain he caused would never fade easily. I just fooled myself.

“Hyosung!” I heard my name was called. I turned and caught a glimpse of my manager waving his hands to me.

He was excited as usual. I didn’t know if he was pretending to be excited or it was just so him to act that way. He got scolded a week ago by president for letting me disappear for the whole day. I waited for him to scold me after that but he never did that. He only grinned to me and told me; “Well, love is complicated. Isn’t it so, Hyosung-ah?”

I gained respect for him ever since that. It’s not easy to have someone who believes fully in love. Not even looking at love itself by positive attitude like he did. I was fully impressed.

“Yo, Hyosung!” He stopped in front of me, his eyes were sparkling. “We’re going to Japan later. Did you hear about it?” From his tone alone, I knew he was excited with the trip.

We had been going back and forth to Japan lately and he had always been excited about the trips. I wondered if he had something he didn’t tell me about Japan. I meant, how could someone be excited about a trip that rarely even had something to remember?

I shook my head as reply to my manager. He looked at me as if I was a weird girl or something. I looked back at him, frowning. He sighed, acting as if he lost.

“Okay! You will need to prepare!” He stated. He started turning his head left and right.

“You probably realize that it’s not in my schedule right?” I told him carefully.

We were in the middle of set to film a variety show. They had been in my schedule since the beginning. It would cause a lot of troubles if we canceled it now and just went away. I glanced on my manager. He seemed to think hard. I knew he was being dilemma. On one side, he wanted to go to Japan as soon as possible but on the other side he knew we had responsibility to the show.

“Okay! I got it!” He exclaimed loudly, making a group of people looked to our direction. “Let’s go after the filming finished! We’ll just take the last flight to Japan. I’m so smart right?” He laughed when he told me his idea. I just looked at him, amazed by how positive he could be sometimes.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course!”

 

***

 

I didn’t really understand why my manager wanted us to go to Japan- especially when we had no days off. I had never really enjoyed Japan. I had always visited Japan for my schedule and it made me unable to enjoy Japan in its glory.

“We’re here!” My manager whispered excitedly as he pushed the trolley toward the exit door.

I watched in amazement. He was the only who got excited about the trip. Well, there were only two of us and I was too confused with the sudden trip that I didn’t really know how to react. Whenever I tried to ask him, he only shrugged his shoulders as if I should just keep silent.

“We’re going to be here for a day only so…. Enjoy everything!” He whispered again as we finally found a cab to take us to the hotel he had booked.

“What do you want me to do here?” I asked helplessly when we had been inside the cab.

“I want you to heal from your break up!” He replied calmly.

“I’m fine! We don’t have to do this!” I threw my hands in the air and looked at him, frustrated.

“I wish.” He scoffed.

It was the end of our conversation as he refused to talk with me and chose to look out the window with an overexcited face. I even wondered if he only acted to make me excited about the trip.

I decided that I better stopped guessing. It was a few hours going to midnight and I chose to stay in my room meanwhile my manager quickly chose to have a drink with his ‘old friends’. I didn’t understand him at all. Nor I could understand how he suddenly had his own schedule arranged.

However his rooms and hotel choice were pretty good. We were on the highest floor and I could look around the city without too much effort. It was fascinating I sat behind the glass window in silence. It wasn’t a complete silence as my head had a lot of conversations going on inside. They made me dizzy at some points.

I stayed still on my seat for another fifteen minutes. The next second, I had already jumped to grab my phone and earphone. I hadn’t checked my phone for today and I wanted some music to accompany me. I went through my playlist first and looked through all of them, wondering which song I should listen to first.

I chose Yoseob’s Caffeine. It had been a while since I listened to the song. The song was my addiction back then. I paid attention to the song very carefully as I looked outside. The lyrics went inside my head and I suddenly realized I was listening to Junhyung’s voice. I tried not to think of it but it kept stinging me. The thought of Junhyung wouldn’t go away easily. I shook my head, trying to throw the thoughts away.

I glanced on the shiny city outside. My mind was going to wander around when suddenly my phone vibrated. I looked down and saw his name was on the screen. I frowned and confused at the same time.

I wondered whether yes or no I should pick up his call. My fingers tapped the screen for time but it never swiped the green icon on the screen. I took a deep breathe when the phone didn’t quite down. I picked it up after once again focusing my eyes on the city below me.

“Hello?” It was the first word that greeted me once I picked it up.

I bit my lips. It had been really a while since I got to hear his casual voice. I usually avoided him and I had never actually tried to listen to his voice when he talked. I was amazed by how deep it sounded and how helpless his voice was.

“Hey.” I forced myself to greet him.

I should be nice to him, after all. He was calling from Korea and I was in Japan so I should make sure his phone was worth everything. Wait, did I just give out an excuse to talk to him? Dang, I was so stupid.

There was silence between us for a moment. I had no idea what I should say and I doubted if he had too. Hr broke the silence first. He tried giving a joke and I listened carefully. I was absorbing both of his joke and his voice. I didn’t know I still missed this.

“It’s nice to hear you laugh.” He said lowly.

I nervously giggled upon his statement. I tried to brush the shy feeling but it kept going through me. I had to inhale a lot of air to make me less nervous. My voice and mouth destroyed everything.

“It’s even better to hear your voice.” I swore as soon I realized what I just said.

Junhyung seemed to take a deep breathe on the other line. I waited patiently as I listened to him to wrap up his thoughts.

“Hyosung-ah… It’s very unfortunate that we had a bad relationship.”

“It’s not that bad.” I cut him quietly.

“Well, I didn’t do anything that makes you happy.” I could hear his sarcastic chuckle. “I want to let you know that I care for you. I did love you.”

“It’s a thing in the past now. We need to move on.” I said back as my brain stored what he said earlier.

“I want you to know that. I don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

I couldn’t hold myself anymore when he said the last thing. I burst into laughter. I didn’t really understand why I just burst out. But I understood that my laughter was indeed an insult to him.

“Junhyung-ah, since the start, we have never been in a good friendship.” I tried to stop my laughter although I failed and I chuckled once or twice.

“You know very well that we have just ruined everything between us right?” I asked him as I wiped off the tears formed on the corner of my eyes.

“I’m sorry.” It was the last thing I heard before I hang up.

I decided that I would never believe in Junhyung anymore. Not even his memories inside my head. I decided since that time that he only wasted my time and my feelings. Everything had been ugly between us and I couldn’t stop that. The love I once felt when I was with him had gone completely. It vanished.

---

 

Hi there readers! Thank you so much for waiting this fic and I know this fic doesn't fulfill your expectation.

I just want to let you know that I wanted you all to imagine the ending by your own imagination.

I leave it to you guys.

Last but not least, thanks a lot for sticking with me in this fic!

Luv ya <3