✆Review for hunyul_4ever
Heart Attack Graphic Shop ft.Chanyeol [CLOSED]♚ Review ♚
Note: Hello, this is Ashiba. This is my first review, so I apologise in advance if I screwed up on anything. I also apologise if this review was too harsh or anything. I'll stop rambling now. Please proceed to your review.
hunyul_4ever
One Week Affair
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❦Title : (6/7)
Unlike a lot of stories, the title actually has a lot to do with the story. However, these kinds of titles are somewhat over used (from what I've seen, anyway), so you get a point off for that.
❦Foreword / Description : (7/7)
I really like how poetic the description is. It draws the attention of the reader and makes them wonder about the things mentioned.
❦ Vocabulary (12/15)
For someone whose first language isn't English, you have a pretty extensive vocabulary. Your tenses need some work, though. Some were subtle, but others were kind of obvious.
An example of an obvious one: "He was smiling like an angel, somewhat mesmerized me.", should have been "He was smiling like an angel, it somewhat mesmerized me."
An example of a not-so-obvious one: "I just enjoyed the time he's with me." The 'enjoyed' and 'he's' don't match up - 'enjoyed' is past, and 'he's' is present, so it should be either: " I'll just enjoy the time he's with me." or "I just enjoyed the rest of the time he'd be with me."
Also, I think you meant 'stuttered' instead of 'uttered' in some places, but maybe that's just me.
❦ Characters (11/15)
Well, I don't know much about the EXO members' personalities, so I can't tell you whether Suho is in character in this story. Sorry.
But in the story itself, I really like the interactions between the characters. I like how Choi Minah acts differently towards her husband and originally had a similar sort of attitude towards Suho before warming up to him.
Although, I wish that you had fleshed the characters out a little more. Minah's husband, for example. He seems like a pretty caring guy, so is there a reason as to why she hates him, other than the fact that she was forced to marry him? And it would be nice to have some more insight on Sumin's thoughts. Like, explaining why she's so upset about her mother falling for another guy. And stuff...
Sorry, I'm running out of juice here.
❦ Flow (2/3)
For something that is set in just one week, the pacing is actually very good. I think a confession on the second day was kind of pushing it, though. People need time to fall in love, confirm their feelings, and gather up courage to confess. At earliest, I think you should have waited until the end of the third day or the fourth day.
But otherwise, you did a good job on everything else.
❦ Neatness (3/3)
The paragraphing and layout is perfect. The past and present of the story are easily distinguishable, and the different colours used is quite effective. Full marks!
❦ Total Score ( 41 / 50 ) ---> ( 82 / 100 )
Overall, it was a pleasant read. I like the concept and the twist at the end.
Keep up the good work~!
-Ashiba
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